Darcy had always had a small family.
She had Grams and May - and Tubs the teddy bear was her stand-in little brother because May said that was the closest thing to a sibling she would ever get. May was never around that much, and when she was Darcy almost always wished she weren't. Grams was great though, she would pretend to not speak any English around salesmen and bill collectors and then teach Darcy French, too. At home they would speak French together, but May would come back and yell at them and tell Darcy she couldn't have food for a week.
Grams would call her agraisse lut paresseux and give Darcy sandwiches.
When Darcy was six she made friends with a family from El Salvador that lived three doors down. Jose was a year older and didn't speak English very well, but Darcy wanted a friend so she learned how to speak Spanish for him. Grams said she had a gift. May told her that men don't like brainy girls.
Darcy liked Grams' answer better.
When Darcy was young she spent most of her time with Grams. She was old and wrinkly and said all the words that Darcy wasn't allowed to say in public. Darcy adored her and Grams let her, which was more than she ever did for her own daughter. That's what May said, anyway. Grams had a smoker's cough and a hunch in her back from her 'skills-ee-os-sass'. She almost never gave hugs, and would tell Darcy that, 'life cannot be lived in the arms of another, and we must face the world on our own.' This was never very comforting during thunderstorms or May's temper tantrums. On days when Darcy's mother was out, Darcy would put one of the couch pillows under her shirt to be like Grams, and they would make cookies and laugh every time the pillow fell out. May came home early one day and threw the cookies out and said Darcy was big enough without giving her all that extra sugar. She gave Darcy a slap on the head that made her cry and Grams gave May one across the face that made her leave for the next few days.
"Never let anyone hit you without getting one in yourself Darcy; I won't always be around to help." She looked sad as she stared down at Darcy. "And your mother won't be able to live off of me forever."
Darcy hadn't understood what that meant until she was eight. That was when Grams died.
When Darcy was eight and a half she and her mother moved into a house for the first time. Up to that point they had always lived with Grams in one or two different trailer parks a year. The moves had never been a problem for Darcy until she had started school - it was never hard to make friends, but it was exhausting to do it every few months. Darcy's grandmother would give her a pat on the head and say, "Friends come and go, family sticks with you like gum on your shoe." Grams would then shuffle off to her recliner to watch her stories.
When Darcy and her mother moved into the new house they could not bring Grams this time. Instead Darcy's mother brought her new husband, Troy. Troy was a banker in a small town, he had thinning hair and lanky arms and he looked at Darcy like the gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe - which was appropriate, Darcy thought, seeing as they kind of were now.
May didn't have to work anymore, but that didn't mean Darcy saw her any more often than before. The new house was where Darcy learned how to cook for herself and how to do her own laundry. She also learned that Troy got mean when he drank beer, and sleepy when he drank scotch. Scotch was always better than beer.
Darcy and May didn't stay in Troy's house for long because when Darcy was nine May got an upgrade. That's what she called it any way. Troy called it, "Fucking my district manager, you dirty whore!" He shouted it really.
Everything about life with Dave was bigger than life with Troy. Bigger house, bigger car, bigger ring on May's finger - even Dave himself was bigger. He had bigger hair, and a bigger belly, and a bigger smile; like the crocodile from Peter Pan- too many teeth just waiting to gobble you up. The smile made Darcy uncomfortable, but May just said to stop saying stupid things and be grateful to have a house. So Darcy stopped thinking about how big Dave was and how much he looked like a big toothy lizard. She had more important issues to deal with anyway. The kids at school had started getting mean. Calling her trailer trash and talking about her mother sleeping around. Darcy wasn't sure how they knew about that. It's not like they could see the men coming and going from May's room like Darcy could. May said it was the price of living in a small town.
The only way Darcy could think to handle the problem at school was by channeling Grams. She'd get into fist fights with the boys at school, and sass the girls. Sometimes when a teacher would say something nasty about May, Darcy would stop speaking English. French and Spanish she used most often, but Russian was fun too. The only person that would talk to her at school was a boy named Andre, he was from Belarus and didn't like speaking in English, he said it wasn't as powerful as Russian. "And you should always be powerful Darcy!" He would say, "папа says we must be powerful so people will respect us!" On the days when Darcy spoke Russian in class, Andre would too; they'd make so much noise that the principal would call their parents to take them home. Andre got grounded and Darcy got a slap on the face.
On Darcy's tenth birthday Dave got her a puffy dress with a bow on the back. She really hadn't been expecting anything this year. No one had remembered her birthday since before Grams died, so the dress was really exciting. It was also really nice; Darcy didn't think she'd ever owned anything this nice before. It was white and lacy with a wide purple ribbon around the middle, and when Darcy put it on she felt like Little Bo Peep, but without the sheep. Darcy put her arms out wide and spun real fast with her head tipped up to the ceiling, the dress flaring up around her thighs. She was giggling and dizzy when she stopped.
From the doorway of the living came a strangled grunting noise that startled Darcy and made her fall on the ground when she tried to turn. Dave walked into the room and loomed over the fallen girl, his shadow spreading across the floor.
"Do you like your dress Darcy?" He took a seat just in front of her on the low sofa. "I thought real hard about what you might like-"
His hands had started to tremble and he wiped them on his pant legs.
"-what would look good on you." He kept up the rubbing movement on his legs, pushing and pulling the fabric at his thighs. "Do you like it Darcy?"
Darcy had pulled her legs under herself, ready to get up and leave. Keeping her eyes to the ground she answered with a small yes. With her eyes cast down Darcy never saw his hands coming forward to grab at her shoulders. She tried to break free of his grip but it was like a vice on her arms. Dave sat her down on his lap and the more Darcy struggled the tighter his grip became. Eventually she was tucked up tight against his chest, his arms like steel bars across her middle; when she had tired herself out after what felt like hours of struggling Dave made a contented noise and moved one hand to her hair. He began petting her, like a dog or a cat. It made Darcy's insides clench and gave her the creepy-crawlies, she did not like this. His hands were sweaty and something was poking her back side, but she was too tired to move. Tears leaked from her eyes and she couldn't catch her breath, it felt like there wasn't enough air. Dave just kept petting her, and saying "good girl Darcy, such a good girl."
Later he told Darcy that if May ever found out that he liked to hug Darcy, he would hurt her and make her go away forever - and then it would be just him and Darcy. So Darcy never said anything. She wouldn't let May go away like Grams had.
When Darcy was ten she bit Dave. Hard. And it had been wonderful, Darcy thought it was the best thing she had ever done; Dave disagreed. The sharp pain across her temple was worth the look on his face when she took hold of his thumb though.
A few months after the biting incident she stopped going to Andre's house on the weekends, Dave said she wasn't allowed. He also said that if she tried to tell anyone about the time they spent together, he'd do the same thing to Andre, and any of her other little friends. Darcy only had Andre though, and when she stopped talking to him at school he got mad and yelled at her. It wasn't fair! She was just trying to save him, and now he wasn't even friends with her anymore. It made Darcy cry for a week.
When Darcy turned eleven she got a new dress for her birthday, exactly like the old one. One of Dave's friends from work came over too. He looked at May the same way Dave looked at Darcy when they were alone. May made him leave right after dinner. She told Dave not to let him back and that he was creepy. Darcy had never loved May as much as she had then. She figured that if May could tell if that man was wrong just by looking at him, then maybe Darcy could find a way know who was safe, and who wasn't from a distance. That way she'd never have to go near them. May must not be very good at spotting the bad people though; Darcy thought, otherwise she would have told Dave to leave too.
For months Darcy spent most of her time trying to figure out how you could tell if someone was bad just by looking at them. It wasn't easy, but people moved in a way that had patterns. It was like when Darcy tried to learn a new language, only harder.
When Darcy turned twelve, Dave tried to make her put on the new birthday dress. It was just the same as always only bigger to fit her. Darcy didn't want to do this again, not on her birthday. All the kids at school would talk about the fun things they would do on their birthdays; parties and cake and bouncy castles. Darcy wanted a bouncy castle; she did not want Dave and his sweaty hands. When he hit her across the face Darcy hit the floor. Her vision blurred and she couldn't get up. Dave walked towards her and crouched down. This was very much like the first time Darcy thought. Instead of picking her up though he started to try and change her into the dress. Still dizzy and disoriented Darcy tried to get away; this was turning out worse than the first time.
Dave had never tried to take her clothes off, and Darcy was pretty sure that if he did, something worse than normal would happen, and normal was bad enough already. With her heart beat speeding up Darcy renewed her fight, but when he pulled her shirt off Dave stopped. She could hear him backing away, and when she was finally able to get a good look at him, his eyes were fixed on her chest. But it wasn't the look Darcy was used to seeing. He was upset, staring at her training-bra clad chest.
The bra was new. Darcy's school nurse had had sent all the girls home with letters about 'growing up' and 'proper support' and May had looked at Darcy, thoughtful, for a moment before saying, "Yeah, you are looking more like my mother every day aren't you?"
Darcy was pretty sure she wasn't developing a hump, but with no more explanation May took Darcy to the mall, something that only happened once every year normally. May spent most of the trip criticizing Darcy's build, saying she would get all the wrong sort of attention, and how she'd have to start wearing bigger tops to hide her new form. Darcy left the mall hating her 'new form'.
Today however, Darcy was starting to form a very different opinion. Dave looked down at her once more before he threw the dress down at her and left, the front door slamming in the distance. A slow wide smile spread across Darcy's face. Darcy was starting to look different, curvier than what Dave wanted apparently. With a burst of excitement she hugged herself across the chest. Boobs are awesome! And hers were amazing, they could fight off bad guys like a super power or something. Super boobs! With that thought in mind, Darcy picked herself up off the floor, still dizzy and made her way back to her room, a plan forming all the while.
When Darcy was twelve she felt absolutely free. May and Dave were fighting all the time, and Darcy hoped he would soon go the way of Troy. Darcy had made up with Andre shortly before his family had moved away, the loss of her only friend hurt, but by now Darcy knew better than to expect people to stick around for too long. Still they were better friends a state away now, than they had been living in the same town for the last year. On a more intimidating note, Darcy was also starting middle school. Sure, life was still kind of sucky. Dave would hover around, but with Darcy's change of wardrobe- one that put her most valuable assets on proud display- he never tried to touch her again. And for that reason alone, there was nothing May could say about how tight her shirts were, or how low cut they were, and no, Darcy did not care if she looked cheap in that tee-shirt, because it was her armor. Of course the girls at school all agreed with May, and they made that very clear to Darcy, but she really didn't care.
When Darcy was thirteen she realized she really could have gone to the police about Dave, and that he couldn't have hurt anyone else if he was behind bars. This realization came a little too late though. By now, May had moved on to husband number three, and Darcy was too embarrassed to admit that she had ever been that weak, that stupid, that afraid. So she kept her mouth shut and decided that she needed to have a plan ready if that ever happened again. So Darcy made plans, she planned for everything and anything. She planned for power outages and home break-ins, just everything. She kept them in a journal and would work on them when she was bored, or trying not to think of May's latest criticism, or how she had to eat lunch alone at school because no one would sit with her.
One day while May was out, Darcy was working on one of her plans when husband number three came home. Tim was not like any of May's other men, and Darcy kind of felt bad for him. He had no idea how much May manipulated him. He was about May's age, with thinning red hair and an average height. In fact, everything about him was kind of average. He was a little skittish but had an honest smile. He was also a little intimidated by Darcy. It was funny really, he had no idea what to do with a teenager, and Darcy was pretty sure he thought she was afraid of him. She really wasn't, but when they first met he got a little too close and Darcy flinched away - she did that with everyone though, but Tim didn't know that. Ever since then he had been extra careful with her, making sure that he didn't get too close, like she was a shy animal. It made Darcy roll her eyes every time.
When Tim came into the kitchen and saw Darcy at the table he almost turned around to leave but he stopped mid-swivel and kept walking towards the fridge. The whole thing was really very clumsy and made Darcy smile. He was so focused on acting normal that he hadn't realized Darcy had stopped writing in the journal and was staring at him with an amused expression. By the time he did notice Tim had started to pour himself a glass of orange juice.
"Uh, want one?" he held up the glass and a little bit of juice splashed over the side. "Shit!" He made a bumbling move to put it down and get a paper towel.
Darcy took pity on him. "Sure, that'd be nice."
"Right," It took him a second to realize that Darcy was talking to him, but when he did, "Right! Ah, just let me… one sec."
"Take your time. I'm not going anywhere."
When they were both settled down at the table an awkward silence had settled around the table. Tim shifted in his chair and cleared his throat.
"So, what are you working on - homework?"
He had leaned forward, and before Darcy could close the book Tim got a good look at the plan she was working on.
"In case of worldwide drought?" he sounded a little bemused, and Darcy could feel the color start to rise in her cheeks.
"It's nothing." Darcy got up and put her glass in the sink, still full. "Thanks for the juice, nice and refreshing." Darcy was back in her room before Tim could say anything else.
A week later, when Darcy was in the living room Tim came in and sat in the recliner across from her.
"So, do you have one for a zombie apocalypse?"
Darcy didn't look up for a moment. When she did, Tim was sitting on the edge of his seat, looking extremely uncomfortable. Darcy considered not saying anything and letting him go on feeling out of place - it was a silly question, Darcy planned for real things, these were her plans for keeping herself safe. Okay, so maybe some of them were a little excessive, but better safe than sorry. The silence was stretching and Darcy was sure that he would give up soon. She was wrong.
"Because now you have to plan for two different types of zombies. You know, the traditional zombie and the modern zombie."
"What's the difference?" Darcy asked, not really caring.
"Well, a lot actually. Have you never seen a zombie movie before?"
She hadn't. Darcy had never been big on TV, and May had never taken her to a movie before. Darcy just shook her head and let him go on.
"Well, if you're interested I could lend you some of mine?" He said it so hopefully that Darcy couldn't bring herself to say no.
When Darcy was fourteen she made her third real friend ever. Tim, her step-father, turned out to be a really great guy. Together they made their way through every horror movie ever made, and then put together contingency plans for how they would handle a real world werewolf or poltergeist. It was fun and just what she needed to move past Dave. He also convinced her that she needed to tone down her wardrobe. He was a little old fashioned with manners and everything, but he was funny and would take her to the mall and tell her what was 'school appropriate' and what was 'home appropriate'. He thought that Darcy's grasp of language was amazing and convinced her to join some language clubs at school so she could practice her writing and reading, he even signed her up for extra lessons outside of school. They got on like a house on fire and Darcy couldn't remember ever feeling like this, not since Grams anyway.
When Darcy was fifteen, Tim brought home some college brochures and told Darcy that she should start thinking about it. Up to that point she never had - but Tim made her think that maybe she had a future worth working towards. That night after dinner, they spread out all the different pamphlets and looked at the different programs and laughed at the silly pitch lines. Eventually the serious night turned into them planning for a zombie invasion on campus and which schools would have the best defenses. They were having such a good time that neither noticed when May came in.
She stood in the door way a while just staring at them as they laughed, a calculating look in her eye, her arms crossed. When she cleared her throat to get their attention, neither noticed, they were laughing too loudly. The sudden clang of the kitchen chair on the tile floor brought both of them back to reality. May had one pencil thin eyebrow raised in irritation.
"You two look cozy, what's the occasion?" her voice was deceptively mild and Tim took her curiosity at face value. Darcy knew better.
"Just looking at some colleges for Darcy, I think we found some real contenders!" Tim was enthusiastic as he told May about some of the possibilities as he turned to get some juice from the fridge. May just kept her steely gaze on Darcy.
"I don't know, hon, these are all top notch schools, do you really think you have a chance?" It was said in an innocent tone, but her face had turned hard when she looked at Darcy. Tim just went on to list all of Darcy's merits that the schools would love. She shouldn't have done it, but she couldn't resist the vicious smile that she shot at her mother. May was not amused.
After that day in the kitchen May had taken to looking at Darcy. Staring really and it was more attention from her mother than Darcy could ever remember getting. Constantly May would watch her every move, waiting for something to criticize. And boy, did she. Never when Tim was around though, then she would smile and be extra handsy with him. One Saturday, Darcy walked into the living room to see May straddling Tim, his face buried in the crook of her neck. Darcy froze for a moment before backing away but before she could get out of sight May looked up and locked eyes with her. A slow smile aimed at her. It made Darcy uncomfortable. May looked at Darcy triumphantly, like she had beat Darcy at some game.
That's when it clicked, the reason May had been around so much and had been paying extra attention to her and Tim. And it made Darcy feel sick, like the room was spinning, like when Dave had his hands on her. She would never want Tim like that. And that her mother, May who had never been the most caring mother could think that Darcy would do something like that. Her head hurt her stomach clenching. Darcy could feel her hands balling into fists at her side, wanting to lash out. May honestly thought that Darcy would go after her step father, would want another situation like Dave, no! She needed to get out of there, now. Not stopping to grab her shoes on the way out, Darcy ran out of the living room, making Tim look up from May's neck. She slammed the door and kept running. She ran across the street, ignoring the honking of car horns, and through front lawns until she made it to the park, she only stopped when she lost her footing and had to slow down to keep from falling. Breathing heavily and chest heaving, she looked around trying to figure out where she had ended up. When she saw the old swing set she made a bee-line for it.
As Darcy let the back and forth motions calm her breathing, the pain in her feet made itself known. Great. Perfect really. Bringing one foot up to inspect Darcy tried not to think about her mother, and what kind of person May thought her to be. It made no sense. Had Darcy ever done something to make her think that she could… no, she wouldn't let her mind go down that path, over-analyzing everything she had ever done, scrutinizing every action and word. Darcy knew that she had never done anything to try and entice Tim, and if she started to over-analyze her mind might start to play tricks on her. The only person in the wrong in this situation was May.
Darcy wasn't sure how long she stayed at the park but it had gone dark a while ago and she knew that some of the less savory kids at school would go to the park at night, so rather than stay and get into trouble she decided to get up and move. She didn't know where, not home, that's for sure. Some place warm, it was starting to get cold and her feet still hurt, so somewhere she could sit down, too. Just as she made it to the main road, a car pulled up behind her, Darcy walked quicker, not wanting to deal with whoever it was.
"Darcy! Thank God! We've been looking everywhere!"
Tim had his head stuck out the driver side window. He was alone in the car. Darcy stopped walking and waited for him to catch up. The car turned off and the slamming of the door echoed.
"Listen, just come home, I'm sorry if you – well – no… your mother and I can sit down and have a talk with you and we can set some new boundaries out, but just come back. It's freezing and you forgot your shoes!"
He sounded so frazzled it made her smile a bit, but just as she was starting to feel like it was going to be okay, his words finally registered.
"What are you talking about?" she asked.
"Darcy we can do this at home, with your mother." He motioned to the car, waiting for her to get in. Darcy didn't move.
"What are you talking about? Why do we need boundaries?" The only boundaries Darcy wanted would be between her and her mother.
Tim's shoulders sagged a bit and he rubbed the back of his neck looking very uncomfortable.
"Um, when you ran out your mother explained some things to me. Listen, you're a great kid, and I want to help you out with things, but I just don't - can't! I can't see you that way…"
Ah, right. Darcy forgot how well May could manipulate him. She thought about trying to explain what was really going on, but she was so tired all the sudden and it would just take too much energy to explain something that he wouldn't believe anyway. She didn't blame Tim really, he was just too much of an easy target. May, though would not be forgiven.
When Darcy was fifteen and a half she became self-destructive. It wasn't a conscious decision, and it just kind of happened gradually. Tim pulled away and May became even more acidic so Darcy just stopped caring; parties and alcohol on the weekends, then on weekdays. She's not real sure when it happened, but she lost her virginity at some point, so boys became part of her routine, too. When she realized what had happened, Darcy had never felt so dirty in her life. She crawled through her window that morning and into the shower. She scrubbed so hard at her skin that she started to bleed in places. She watched as the pink water swirled the drain, tears still leaking down her face, chest heaving. How had she managed to turn into everything May thought her to be? Darcy didn't want to feel like this. So she decided she wouldn't any more.
When Darcy was sixteen she partied just as hard as she had when she was fifteen, only more recklessly; she let boys use her and 'friends' abuse her. She went back to wearing tight tee-shirts and short skirts. She stopped going to school, and stopped going to the extra language classes. She yelled at May and stopped looking at Tim. Eventually Tim and May started fighting and Darcy stopped going home. She ignored all the calls from Tim and emails from Andre. For a while Darcy just stopped.
A few months after Darcy's sixteenth birthday she woke up on an unfamiliar sofa. This was not unusual; at least it hadn't been for the last few months. What was strange was the smell of a cooked breakfast and the sounds of hushed conversation with familiar voices. Darcy shifted onto her back trying to get a handle on what was going on. The movement seemed to wake up every nerve in her body and they all screamed in protest. She must have made a noise or something because the talking stopped. Suddenly there was a hand in front of her face and someone was moving to sit on the edge of the sofa. Her vision was still fuzzy, but Darcy was sure she hadn't started hallucinating yet, so why was Andre's mom stroking her hair?
"Shhh, shhhh Остальные родная, отдыха." The voice was soothing and warm and Darcy let herself be lulled back to sleep.
When Darcy opened her eyes next, there was sunlight streaming through the curtains above her resting place. The throbbing in her head had eased and when she tried to get up there was only a little discomfort. She took a moment to steady herself and looked around the room. It was mostly dark with all the blinds closed except for the one behind the sofa. A few things looked familiar to her, the soft colors interrupted by brilliantly jeweled tones from small knick knacks. This was defiantly Andre's home. She had no idea how she got here, and the idea of Andre and his family seeing her like this made the shame that Darcy had been pushing down for months flair up, sharp and bitter. She couldn't do this now. Slowly she made her way to the door, intent on not staying long enough to have to face anyone in the house.
Just as the door came into view and Darcy thought she was in the clear, it opened and several men stepped though all talking easily with each other, the boy in front stopped suddenly when he spotted Darcy. Andre. It had been some time sense she had seen him face to face, but she could spot the features that made his face so familiar. Behind him three other men had come to a stop, two with features very similar to Andre, long straight noses, thick dark hair and strong jaw lines. Yep, it was Mr. Koldun, and Andre's older brother Niko. The third man though, if there was anything left to be surprised about today, it would be that the third man was Tim. With all four of them standing in the open doorway staring at her, Darcy became acutely aware that she was dressed in her standard party wear, which was not much of anything really. The hallway remained quiet as all five people stood awkwardly, no one wanting to make the first move.
A hand on her shoulder made Darcy start. Hanna, Andre's mother, had come up behind her and was looking sternly at the men in the doorway.
"Close the door, silly men, it's still cold out!"
The heavy accent in Hanna's voice was soothing, and her words spurred everyone into movement. The three behemoths of men stumbling over themselves to shut the door while one small balding red-head smashed himself against the wall was definitely a sight to behold. Without her permission the corners of her mouth turned up, and as small of a smile though it was, it seemed to make Hanna happy.
She wrapped an arm around Darcy and guided her back to the room she had just been trying to escape. The footfalls behind her indicated that the room would soon be full. Hanna set her down on the same couch she had woken up on.
"Sit, I'll bring you some tea."
Darcy tried to protest but Hanna was a force of nature when she put her mind to it. With Hanna in the kitchen Darcy was left with the rest of the household, all of whom were trying very hard not to look at her. With a huff of impatience Darcy decided to be the one to break the silence - someone had to, and Darcy wasn't sure if waiting for Hanna to do it would be the wisest course of action.
"So… long time no see- how did I get here?" With that, everyone turned to look at her, all with distinctly uncomfortable expressions. Then they all tried to answer at once, like an out of tune symphony and it made Darcy's head hurt.
"You sound like a pack of wild monkey! Hush all of you!"
Hanna had just made it back with a tray of steaming mugs. Andre's father jumped up and took the tray from her. She patted his cheek softly and they both moved to sit down.
"Now, what do you remember of last night?"
Darcy just shook her head.
"Ah, I see." Hanna took a minute to hand out mugs of tea, the last one going to Tim who was resolutely looking at anything but Darcy. That stung.
"What do you remember of the last week?"
"Bits and pieces, it doesn't matter. Listen. Thinks for letting me stay on your couch, but I should get going. Lots to do you know." Darcy made to get up but Hanna had other ideas.
"Niko, why don't you and your father go pick up a roast for dinner? We'll be needing more food for our guests." The two men got up and circled around the room to the door, pausing just long enough to kiss Hanna on the cheek and pat both Andre and Tim on the back. No one spoke as they left, and the silence stretched until the sound of the car pulling out down the road had faded.
"Now then, you're a smart girl Darcy, this I have always known. But I think sometimes you are so smart you turn stupid." Her voice was stern yet soft, as a mother gently scolding a wayward child, not that Darcy would know what that would sound like, not firsthand anyway. This was the Hanna that Darcy remembered from her childhood. She had a way of making you want to spill all your secrets then jump into her arms for a hug. She remembered wishing that May could be more like Hanna, then feeling guilty for it. Guilt, it seemed was the feeling of the day, nothing Darcy could do would shut the door on the violent floods of guilt that pushed through her.
Hanna never took her eyes off Darcy, just waiting for her walls to crumble. Well she'd be waiting a fucking long time for that to happen, Darcy thought. Her walls were there for a damn good reason.
"Okay, so why don't we start this little party with introductions. How exactly did everyone get together?" Hanna gave her a stern look, she never had time for Darcy's sass. Right now, she'd have to deal.
"Niko's home for spring break, he went to a party last night and saw you. He knew we'd been looking, so he dragged you back here." Andre's voice was halting as he told the story. "You were pretty bad last night Darce. How did you get out this way? It's like seven hours away from the old town!"
Darcy didn't answer, she couldn't answer because she had no idea how she had gotten that far from home.
"We called Tim and he drove all the way out here for you!"
"That's nice, sorry to cause so much trouble." It was said so uncaringly that no one in the room could believe she meant it. Andre and Time both flinched at her cold tone, but Hanna just looked sad.
Tim, who had not yet looked at Darcy, seemed to have finally had enough.
"Darcy, can you just, no I'm sorry that this, that we…"
Same old scattered Tim, not sure what to say. It made Darcy laugh. That seemed to set his resolve.
"No, you don't get to laugh Darcy. Do you have any idea how worried we've been? When you left I called Andre, I remembered you talking about him and his family, and I thought that you'd come here. Do you know how scared I was when he said he hadn't heard from you in months? That you had stopped returning his calls and emails… it, Darcy he came out every weekend to help search for you!"
Darcy had never heard Tim so angry, and he wasn't done yet.
"What happened to make you leave like that? I know I kept my distance, but your mother…" At the mention of May Tim's hands clenched and he gritted his teeth. Ah, good to see he finally wised up.
"How is May? Devastated I'm sure." The look Tim gave her told her all she need to know.
"Yeah, good old May, nothing stops her from getting what she wants, not even her own daughter."
Darcy debated what she should do now. Of all her plans, nothing had quite covered this. Huh, she hadn't thought about her plans in ages, though now that Darcy really examined the past few months she realized that she hadn't thought about much at all.
Calculating her options now Darcy knew that she had three possibilities. One, keep playing the stubborn party girl and nothing changes. Two, let herself be led back to civilization and nights with a warm bed and let everyone think that they had rehabilitated the lapse in judgment. Let them keep thinking that she had been led astray in her moment of weakness because she was in love with her step-father and… yeah, that wouldn't work for Darcy. It looked like option three was the winner.
Before Darcy could figure out how to ease into the story, Tim got his second wind and launched into his self-deprecating monologue.
"I know May has her issues now, believe me I know, but you have to understand that if I did anything that made you think that… no I mean, I remember what it was like to be a kid with a crush and-"
"Just stop!" She couldn't take any more of this, it was making her sick. "I didn't leave because I had a crush on you. I left because my mother thought that I was trying to seduce you. That she thought I would want something like that again, that she really thought that I would …"
Darcy's breathing was becoming erratic and she couldn't figure out what words to say and which ones to keep hidden, Hanna had moved to sit next to her and was rubbing circles on her back, trying to calm her breathing. It took some time, but eventually Darcy sagged into Hanna's embrace, more exhausted than she had been when she woke up.
"What do you mean, happen again darling?" Hanna's calm voice in her ear seemed to be the key to the flood gate and Darcy was too tired to try and keep anything hidden anymore.
Like a giant tidal wave everything about what Dave did to her, made her do to him, came rushing out. It felt so good to just let it go that Darcy couldn't stop herself. She didn't stop with Dave either, she told them about Troy and about life before any of May's husbands, life with Grams. She told them how sorry she was for being so weak and stupid and not telling anyone about Dave but she had thought she'd been protecting May and Andre. She told them about her super boobs and May's abuse and how great life with Tim had been. Nothing was staying hidden anymore and by the time she'd finished there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Darcy just sat there listlessly when she was done, tears streaming down her face, pointedly avoiding eye contact. At some point Tim and Andre had moved to sit with Darcy; Andre at her feet with his arms wrapped around her legs and Tim to the side opposite Hanna -she was surrounded on all sides like an emotional human cocoon. Hanna was whispering to her in broken Russian and English, saying things like how it wasn't Darcy's fault, and how brave she was, that she wasn't stupid, or silly. Every word she spoke was like balm to Darcy's battered heart.
Eventually the tears had dried but no one felt like moving quite yet. Sometime later, the front door opened and Niko and Mr. Koldun walked into the living room. They stopped in the doorway for a few moments before Mr. Koldun said, "Ah, you want we can come back later?" There was a beat of silence before a hysterical bubble of laughter burst from Darcy. Laughter seemed to be contagious in this instance because soon she, Tim, Andre, and Hanna were all in stiches on the sofa.
Nothing was truly fixed Darcy knew, but she could now see a clear path home. It wouldn't be easy, but she was sure it would be worth every difficult moment.
When Darcy was eighteen she and Andre packed up for college. She often felt bad this this was both of their first year. Darcy had had a lot of catching up to do and Andre insisted on holding off going until she could join him. Andre had said that it's what family did for each other so Darcy should shut up about it. In the end, Darcy found that she didn't care to argue too much.
Culver was a great school and so far away that it felt like a completely new life, one away from all the bad memoires, and some good ones too. Tim said she could take the good memories with her, she didn't point out that the bad ones would come with her whether she wanted them or not. Tim had been great ever since that night at the Koldun's. He took her home and helped her back through school, and never made her see May again if she didn't want to. And Darcy really didn't want to - but knew that she had to eventually. Darcy hadn't been eighteen yet so unless Tim wanted to get in trouble with the law, some kind of deal had to be made. She's still not sure what was said between May and Tim that night, but in the end it didn't really matter. May moved onto husband number four and Tim promised Darcy that May wasn't leeching money off of him.
It had been hard work getting back on track for college, but Darcy had always been smart. Tim had tried to get her to see someone, a professional to help her work things out - Darcy had refused point blank. It was the only thing they fought about, well that and what to do about Dave. Tim wanted to go to the police, Darcy wanted to move on and never think about him again. Both Tim and Hanna tried to get her to come forward but no matter how brave they kept telling her she was, Darcy didn't feel like she could do that yet. Andre kept mostly quiet on the matter, but he did say that he would help her no matter what she did.
So here they were, starting college together. Hanna had packed them enough food to last the nuclear winter and Tim had given her a credit card for emergencies and orders to call at least once a week; Darcy would have no problem with that. All she had left to do now was focus on her degree.
When Darcy was twenty she was so close to finishing college that she could practically taste it. Too bad the stupid admissions board had decided to change up the requirements for certain majors, hers included. Really who needed nine science credits as a political science major? Darcy needed to find an easy way to get her six extra credits so she could get her diploma and get out!
It was a Friday afternoon and Darcy was walking around campus headed to the student message board. Andre had gotten tired of listening to her complain about science and told her to go see if anything had been posted. It was near the end of the semester and the Virginia heat was getting ridiculous, this meant that droves of students had taken to the lawns to sunbathe or throw water at each other. Darcy had had a near miss with a group of boys and water-soakers just outside the student union. By the time she had finally made it inside, most of the students had cleared out - only a few late lunch stragglers left. Darcy looked to the board; it was a mess of flyers advertising old text books for sale and on-campus jobs and some psychology studies. There were a few ads for internships, and only three that she could see for science, each only offering three credits.
Just as Darcy was about to give up and head off to administration to sign up for science this summer and next semester, a petite brunette came barreling down the hall and almost straight into Darcy. "Sorry, sorry!" she said, somewhat distractedly as she pinned up a leaflet to the board. "I just have to get this up! I only have two days left to find an intern for the summer, and I'm desperate!" Most of that had been mumbled and Darcy was sure that the brunet was more talking to herself than to Darcy.
"Hey, no worries, I'm still standing." The women turned and looked owlishly at Darcy before nodding a thank you and racing off down the corridor. Strange woman, Darcy thought.
The flyer she had left behind though, that was something. A slow smile spread across her face as she read, 'summer intern, science department. Six credits. Two and a half months in New Mexico, pack light.' Well, Darcy thought as she plucked the paper from the board, maybe she could graduate on time after all. Darcy didn't feel bad about taking the flyer with her, the small tabs of contact information at the bottom just meant that Darcy might have competition, and she really couldn't afford to gamble with her future.
On her way back to Andre's dorm she stopped at a few other message boards to see if the crazy brunette had put up any more flyers - she hadn't - and Darcy took that as a sign. Andre was asleep face down on his bed when Darcy came back. She threw a pillow at his head to get him to move over and then spent the rest of her day filling out Dr. Foster's online application.
When Darcy was twenty-one life as she knew it changed.