Title: Self-Sacrifice
Series: Star Trek: Voyager
Author: Singing Violin
Rating: K
Keywords: Janeway/Chakotay friendship, UST
Summary: After the events of "Endgame," Janeway and Chakotay have a little chat.
Disclaimer: TPTB own them, but they didn't do what I wanted with them, so I'm borrowing them for a bit. I'll give them back when I'm done.
Feedback: Yes please.
Archiving: Anywhere.
Kathryn Janeway gazed upon her ready room, taking in familiar sights for the last time. The door chimed. "Come," she spoke automatically, her brain barely registering the occurrence. Her mind was elsewhere, among memories and the anticipation of the future, filled with a deep sense of dread that whatever Admiral Janeway had wanted to avoid was inevitably going to transpire despite her best efforts. Or perhaps something worse would come to pass.
"Kathryn," Commander Chakotay spoke. She turned around to look at him, and mustered up the courage to smile, despite the almost overwhelming but inexplicable urge to cry. They were finally home. She had accomplished her mission. This should be the happiest day of her life.
"Chakotay," she acknowledged. And then, before she could stop the words, "I guess this is goodbye."
He nodded hesitantly, his eyes big and full of an emotion she couldn't readily identify. Was it pity? Concern? Whatever it was, it was both familiar and foreign, and it scared her. "Is that what you expect?" he queried.
She blinked. "What?"
"You think you'll never see me again," he stated, matter-of-factly.
She pursed her lips, turned away from him, and walked a few paces towards the viewport. She took a deep breath. "Will I?" she whispered.
He didn't give an answer. "What's wrong, Kathryn?" He wanted to step towards her, to put a reassuring hand on her shoulder, but he kept his distance. A tear slipped unbidden down her cheek, and she took a moment to compose herself before answering him.
"Nothing's wrong," she replied, still not turning to face him. "I guess I'm just…so many times we tried to get home, and finally we're here, and it's…anticlimactic. I suppose I haven't fully accepted it yet."
He frowned. "I've spent seven years getting to know you, Kathryn, enough to know when you're lying to me."
She had to bite her lip to keep from crying out. She closed her eyes, and two matching tears fell, stinging and wet as they dripped down her cheeks. She dared not wipe them away lest she alert Chakotay to how upset she really was. And how could she explain to him what was upsetting her when even she didn't know?
She decided to change the subject. "Seven told me what happened between you in the cargo bay…she was so scared of hurting you, but you wouldn't let her back out. You told her…" the captain's voice died down until she was nearly inaudible, "that wherever you settled, you wanted to be within transporter range of her. She tried to ask me what that meant." The continuation of the thought went unspoken. How could I know what it meant, when you never told me that? Not even on New Earth did you mention a future with me. Oh, you focused on making a home for us. In the present. It would have become the future, but only by default. How am I supposed to know what it means when you tell a girl you just started dating – a girl you barely got along with just a few months ago - that you want to spend the rest of your life with her?
Spirits, Chakotay thought. He could only imagine how he would have felt if one of the captain's dates had come to him for advice. Kathryn hid her feelings well, but Seven had been particularly tactless, even for her. Seven's lack of social experience was part of what had attracted him to the blonde – she was so vulnerable, so curious – it was exciting to be able to explore romance as if it were new again. But could she really have been oblivious to the captain's feelings about him, or did she have an ulterior motive? "I'm sorry that you had to hear like that," he admitted sincerely.
"Well, is it true?" she asked, finally turning to face him again, having partially regained her composure, her panic replaced by dull anger and hurt, which was much more easily hidden behind her captain's mask.
"Yes," he stated.
"Well, then, Chakotay, it seems this is goodbye," the captain repeated. Even before we got home, you stopped socializing with me in favor of your budding romance. I know when I'm not wanted.
He saw something in her face. Resignation? A thought occurred to him. "You knew…"
She raised an eyebrow.
He repeated himself and continued. "You knew about Seven and me before you heard it from Seven."
She sighed. To hell with the Temporal Prime Directive, she'd decided earlier. Why stop now, especially when history had already been irrevocably shifted? "Admiral Janeway…in her timeline, you and Seven were married, and Seven died shortly thereafter…a mission I sent her on. The admiral only said that neither you nor I were the same afterward, but she made it clear that her primary purpose was to save Seven…for you." Kathryn laughed bitterly. "I guess that gives me the obligation to make sure it works between you two this time. She…I…" she shook her head, "the admiral gave me another chance. I'm not going to screw this one up. The admiral and I didn't agree on everything, but one thing I know we both value is your happiness."
There was silence between them for at least a minute, as they searched each other's faces for clues. Kathryn stared at those haunting eyes, studying his countenance, committing it to memory. Chakotay noticed something familiar in Kathryn's demeanor…it reminded him of…the Void. And Unimatrix Zero. And…suddenly he understood.
He stepped towards her and grabbed hold of her shoulders. She almost yelped, but she bit it back. "I know what this is about," he accused.
Suddenly she was confused. Why was Chakotay angry at her? Hadn't she just given him her blessing? She looked up at him, questioning. He didn't soften.
"This is your damned guilt and self-sacrifice again."
"What?" she cried, breaking free of his grasp.
He continued, "I didn't let you sacrifice yourself in the Void, and I'm not going to let you do it now."
Now her own anger began to surface. All she wanted was for him to be happy, and he was accusing her of martyring herself? She paced back and forth.
"Admiral Janeway was a cynical, bitter old woman, and now I know why. I'm not going to let you become her."
She tried to speak, but he interrupted her. "I think I know what happened. I think I got involved with Seven, because I'd given up on you. And when she died, I blamed you, and you blamed yourself, and our friendship didn't survive. I can't think of a greater tragedy. No wonder the admiral wanted to change history."
"Chakotay, we've already changed history...that Admiral Janeway will never exist. Too much has changed. We're home. We can live our lives again."
"We can. But I don't think you're going to," he said, sadly.
"I don't understand." Really, she didn't. She stopped walking and turned back to him.
"Look, you made it clear…even on New Earth…that there could never be anything more than friendship between us, not while you were my captain."
"So?" she asked, looking into his eyes.
"I kept my distance, like you asked. But it didn't stop me from caring for you. I know how important I was to you. You're the strongest woman I know, but you're so damned stubborn, and so determined to feel guilty about anything that goes wrong, even if it avoided something worse."
He paused, not sure whether or not to reveal how he'd known about her plans in the Void, then decided she needed to know.
"Tuvok told me in the Void. I asked him because I was so worried about you, and you wouldn't talk to me."
Oh my, she thought, even Tuvok conspired against me.
"If I hadn't intervened, you would still be alone in a shuttlecraft in the Void. And if I don't intervene now, you're going to live the rest of your life alone, punishing yourself for every little thing that ever happened on your watch."
Chakotay added, "If Mark were still waiting for you, it'd be different, though for all I know, you'd push him away too."
Mentioning her former fiancé was a low blow. Suddenly she felt defiant, and began to pace again. Who was Chakotay to accuse her of needing someone to take care of her? "Chakotay, it's my choice how to live my life, and I don't like the implication that I couldn't have made it without you." It's true though, she thought, turning back to the viewport.
Chakotay sighed. This was all coming out wrong. "I didn't mean it like that."
"Oh, then how did you mean it?" she challenged.
When he didn't answer, she continued speaking. "Well, it doesn't matter. You are going off to be with Seven. You told her you loved her."
"And I do. But I also love you, and I don't want to abandon you," he finally admitted.
She ignored the admission. "Well, you needn't worry, Commander." The title was not lost on him. "I'm sure I'll be fine. Or I won't, but it'll be none of your concern."
She knew that would hurt him. Suddenly she realized she was about to lose him, possibly forever. She couldn't let him walk out that door without knowing. It was now or never. After a moment of deliberation, she decided to throw caution to the wind and say what needed to be said. She turned back to face him.
"Look, Chakotay. I love you too. I always have…I think I realized it for the first time on New Earth. That's why I stopped you…when you were giving me that massage. It was the best massage I've ever gotten. I remembered the way you comforted me during the storm, when I was devastated watching our equipment get destroyed. It suddenly dawned on me that I had fallen in love with you, and not just on New Earth but before that. But a romance between us would affect our working relationship, plus Mark was still waiting for me then. So I couldn't let it happen while there was still any chance we were getting off that planet."
She paused, but he didn't interrupt. She knew this was the confession he had waited for. She didn't admit how close he was to breaking her resolve when they'd gotten word from Voyager. The picture of that boat was still etched in her mind, a symbol of hope for a nonexistent future.
Blinking back tears, she continued. "It is precisely because I love you that I want you to be happy, and if Seven will make you happy…"
Now he spoke. "And what if she doesn't?"
"Then don't you think that's something you need to work out with her?"
"I don't think you understand, Kathryn," he sighed, frustrated.
"No, I don't think I do. Would you care to explain?" She finally sat behind her desk, giving him an unspoken invitation to extemporize.
"Kathryn, you mean more to me than anyone on this ship. Honestly, I'd leave Seven out in the cold if it meant you'd be happy."
The Captain's eyes grew wide, and while she was gratified by that remark, she was also angry. "Chakotay, don't forget that I care for Seven too. In some ways, she's like a daughter to me. I wouldn't be happy if you hurt her."
He pursed his lips. "So where does that leave us?"
"I don't know," she admitted, softly. "But I can tell you this…" She looked down at her desk. "What I expect notwithstanding, I hope I don't have to lose your friendship like Admiral Janeway did."
"Likewise, I don't want to lose you," Chakotay pled.
Kathryn smiled up at him. "Then let's keep in touch."
Chakotay nodded. "If I can…I'll make my home in transporter range of both of you."
"I'd like that," Kathryn admitted.
"Then this isn't goodbye. It's see you later."
The captain laughed cautiously. She got up from her chair, walked around her desk, and put her arms around her friend.
He held her in a tight embrace for what seemed like an eternity, as she pressed her cheek against his shoulder.
Reluctantly, they broke apart, and Chakotay was vaguely aware that the captain had left a wet spot on his chest, where lingering tears had fallen and soaked into his uniform.
"Friends," she stated.
"Friends," he agreed. "And if…" When, he thought silently.
She looked up at him. He didn't need to finish the sentence. "I'll be waiting," she promised.
After one last smile, he turned and walked out the door. But he'd left her a gift…hope. And suddenly Kathryn didn't feel like crying anymore.