I would like to start out by saying, obviously, not everything is going to be totally in character. Also, I own neither Bad Moms or Naruto whatsoever.
Lastly, there is NejiTen in here because I'm still in denial and they're the cutest. Get over it.
Chapter One:
It was fall in Kohana and the new school year had not been in session for long. At the elementary school lines of minivans had formed, and well dressed mothers sent their kids off with homemade lunches and waved good bye.
And then, there was Temari. She pulled up in her old beat up car with a cigarette hanging from her mouth.
"Shikadai! You forgot your lunch!" She yelled after her son.
Temari quickly shoved an Arby's bag through the window at him and drove off as Shikadai sulked toward the school.
Ino stood outside the school as the head of the PTA, with her two minions, Hinata and Anko, by her side,watching every mother and father that passed by and judging them when they couldn't hear. Ino scoured as she saw Temari hand her son a greasy, brown paper bag filled with trans fats. "God, that woman is a cancer.." Ino said, diverting her attention elsewhere.
"Oh no, tiger mom is late today.." She laughed at her own joke as Tenten approached them with all five of her Hyuga children. "Hey, guys!" She started at the trio of moms. "Just another day of school, huh? I mean I was up all night because the baby puked on my hair, but I'm good now! So, what's going on?" The moms just stared at her a minute, hearing way more than they'd really care to know.
"Hey.." The "happy" look on Ino's face was clearly false, "How are you?"
"Well, the baby was up all night and she barfed in my hair- but I'm good, yeah I'm amazing! I'm so happy!"
"Great! Well, we'll see you around!" Ino tried to hurry her off.
"Yeah, but my oldest, he has night terrors, so ya know, he's /really/ not doing too good."
Ino blinked, "Well… We'll see you at the bake sale.."
"Yeah! After leaving here, I'm gonna go get some coffee. Its like the only fun thing I do, but I'm always by myself. Do you wanna come to?" Tenten looked at her with hopeful eyes.
"Yeah. Here's the thing, I'd rather not. Tata." Ino brushed off the brunette as she looked pained and herded off her children inside the building.
Sakura pulled up to the building and got out with her kids, holding a large paper mache bust of a president that they (she) had stayed up all night making. "Don't forget your lunch, Sarada!" She told her daughter as they fast walked toward the building.
"Have a great day! I love you both so much!" Sakura called after them as her son took his project and they fast walked inside Kohana Elementary, trying to avoid embarrassment from their mother.
Sakura stood there for a moment, "God, they hate me.."
"Sakura!" Ino started, making the pink haired nurse practically jump out of her skin.
"Hello. How are you guys?" she stared at the trio of women as they very clearly judged her.
"I don't know how you do it.." Ino began, "leaving your kids everyday to go to work.. You're so strong."
"Thanks?"
"Don't you miss them?" The blonde furrowed her eyebrows at the pinkette.
"Well, yes. But I also need /money/."
"I had a job once. I hated it right away, so I quit." Anko butt in. "I design jewelry!" Hinata added.
"Jesus Christ, Hinata, stop saying that like its a good thing.." Ino glared at her.
"Okay.. Well, I'm late for work so, I'm
They all watched her as she walked. "She's so hardworking.. So likeable." Ino said as if she was analyzing the woman and shuddered in disgust.
"Yeah! I love how hardworking she is!" Hinata exclaimed.
Ino glared at the shorter women, yet again, "Oh my God, Hinata, that is literally what I just said."
Sakura pushed her way through the halls of the hospital, pushing past the crowd of young nurses and doctors. God, this place had gone to hell since Tsunade wasn't running it. Almost all the new employees were in their early twenties and fresh out of med school. Sakura missed working with other adults.
This was how almost every morning went with Sakura. 6 AM wake up and make breakfast, rush the kids to school by 7:30. Rush into the hospital, have the same meeting with the same people, see her patients, have a shitty lunch in a Tupperware bowl at her desk while running reports around 11. Then there's an hour long zumba class that absolutely kicks her ass, a parent/teacher conference for Sarada.. Wait no.. For Sadao's science teacher? No! His /math/ tutor. Then on her way to the grocery store she had to return the 60 phone calls she missed and shove what she can in her grocery cart for dinner. Then, finally, Sakura can arrive home around 7 o'clock to "relax".
Sakura barged through her front door, the her purse, lunch box, laptop, and all other supplies in tow. "Hey, hey, he-" she was cut off by her children wrestling down the hall, Sarada chasing Sadao, "You asshole! Give me my phone back!" She shouted as they knocked over Sakura's favorite lamp.
Sakura breathed deeply before looking around the house to find her husband, only to have him laying on the couch with their dog. "Oh hey, babe!" He glanced at her briefly before turning his attention back to National Geographic.
Sakura crossed her arms, clearly irritated. "I thought you were watching the kids, Sasuke."
"Yeah, I don't know why you thought that." Sasuke said in monotone, "We should totally go to Mongolia, though.. What's for dinner?"
"Sorry dinner is late, you guys." Sakura hurriedly carried the last bowl of food to the table where her family sat.
They sat silently for a moment as they made their plates, Sasuke nose-deep in his phone.
"So, Sadao, how did you do on your math test?"
The boy shrugged, "I got a D." He told his mother frankly.
Sakura's eyes widened, "What? Even after all the studying? Honey, do we need to get you another tutor?"
"No, mom, it's okay."
Sakura looked across the table to her husband, "Babe, did you hear that? Your son got a D on his math test."
Sasuke looked up from his phone, fist bumped his son, who was physically his mother's twin, before going back to whatever was so important on his phone.
The pink haired woman sighed, "How about you, Sarada? How was your day?"
The young dark-haired girl extended her arm to show her mother the red, irritated rash that covered her skin. "Mom I'm totally freaking out about my science class, and in history I have two projects, and.." Sarada continued with a laundry list of things giving her anxiety.
Sakura's face twisted with concern, "We'll put some ointment on it after dinner.. But, tell me about soccer tryouts!"
"Tryouts were great! But I'm still totally freaking out! What if I don't make it?" Her daughter started to continue with "what if"'s.
"Honey, it's all gonna be okay. Just don't flip out."
But, mere minutes later both Uchiha women were sitting in Sarada's room, pacing the floor and boring their nails. "What time did the coach say he'd post it?" Sakura asked, moving her hair from her face. "Nine." Her daughter answered.
The pinkette looked at her watch, "It's 8:58, check again!"
The youngest Uchiha refreshed the page on her computer to no avail. "My god, I think I'm going to vomit." Sakura muttered, chewing on her bottom lip.
The next two minutes dragged by and felt like hours. Sakura glared at her watch and jumped up as soon as it read "9:00" in bright white numbers. "Sarada! Go, go! Its nine!"
The two of them raced to the computer and refreshed the page to find the list of names. Their anxiety only grew as they skimmed the names, only to find Sarada's at the very bottom.
The two girls high five and hugged, "I'm so proud of you!" Sakura held her youngest child to her chest. "Thanks, mom. I couldn't have done this without you.."
The black haired girl pulled away and looked at Sakura, "Plus this will look awesome on my college application. Do you know how hard it is to get into Ivy League schools?"
"Sarada you're only twelve.."
"Mom, they turn away Asians!"
"..That's a little racist, dear.."
Sarada's face twisted with fear, "what if I don't play?"
"Sarada, it's going to be okay." Sakura tried to console the preteen.
"No it's not! If I don't play, then I'll never get into a good college! I'll go to some crappy law school and have an alcoholic boyfriend that'll knock me up and my life will be ruined!" Sarada grabbed her soccer ball and stormed out of the room in distress.
Sakura just sat there for a moment with wide eyes, "Holy shit, she's so fucking crazy.." She said, running her temples.
Sakura stood and made her way to Sasuke's office to tell her husband the good news, but as she walked in she saw Sasuke jump and struggle with both the computer mouse and his zipper.
"Oh my God.. Are you?.."
"Oh! No!.. It was just uhh… A prostate thing.." Sasuke struggled with the mouse before him, "and why won't this tab close fuck.." He muttered under his breath as his computer struggled against his will.
Sakura made her way over to him, smirking the whole way,"You know, I've alway wondered what kind of-" Yet, when she saw the screen her smirk dissolved into a face of confusion and hurt.
"Who the hell are you?" The voice came from the computer speakers.
"I'm his /wife/. Who the hell are you?" Her tone was harsh as she crossed her arms.
"Oh /shit/." The red head ducked out of the camera shot, as if it would make Sakura walk away and forget the fact that her husband was just skyping with a naked redhead with huge tits and an even bigger bush.
"Are you fucking masturbating with another woman on skype?!" She shouted angrily at the man before her.
"No!" He denied.
"Well what are you doing then?" Sakura put her hand on her hip, her face flushed with anger.
"Obviously, yes, we're masturbating." Sasuke admitted his defeat. "Why are you do that?" Sakura held her face in her hands, trying to grip this whole situation she found herself jammed in.
"Sakura, look. I've not done anything wrong here! People do this all the time."
"I don't know, Sasuke.. This really feels like cheating."
"No, no, no! Its totally not cheating. I mean, I've never even touched her! If anything.. It's a sign of how much I respect you!- Respect for our marriage!"
Sakura just stared at him for a moment, "It is?" The question almost came out as more of a statement.
"Yes! Doing this allows me to fulfill my darkest desires without bringing you into it! I don't masturbate on skype for me-I do it for /us/."
"You've gotta be shitting me right now."
"You know, most women would be happy to find out their man is masturbaing on skype three times a day.."
"Three times a day?!" Sakura couldn't believe her ears. The same man who can't watch their kids for an hour before she comes home or preheat the fucking oven for dinner, somehow managed to cheat on her three times a day.
"Well, it's hard with my busy work schedule, but I manage to make time most days.. You should totally try it! It's super safe, you can't get AIDS or herpes or anything!"
"Fuck you Sasuke! I don't have AIDS!" The woman on the computer shouted, stomping her foot.
"How long have you been doing this?" The whole thing still seemed like a very, very bad dream that kept dragging on.
Sasuke squinted at the screen, "Uh, like five min-"
"No, asshole, I mean how long have you been cheating one me. How many days?" Sakura's tone was surprisingly calm, but you could tell by the expression (and color) on her face that she was furious.
"I don't know! Not long, baby, I swear!" Sasuke furrowed his eyebrows, trying to make his most apologetic face.
"Ten months!" There was that damned voice again.
"Really Karin?!"
"Do you love her?" Sakura put her hands on his desk, looking him in the eyes.
Karin's head slowly raised back onto the screen, clearly wanting to hear his answer.
"No, I don't love her." Sasuke looked right back into Sakura's green eyes that were furrowing into his own.
"Do you have feelings for her?" She stared fiercely at him, but Sasuke didn't back down under her gaze, his face stoic as he thought about how to answer.
"You don't masurbate with someone three times a day for ten months without catching /some. feelings, Sakura."
"Do you have feelings for her?" The pinkette asked him again, clearly losing her patience.
"Yes. She's actually a pretty amazing person, Sakura. Karin even runs her own dairy farm!"
Sakura closed her eyes, "Get out."
Sasuke stood, "What?" His brows furrowed at her.
"Get the /fuck/ out of my house, Sasuke."
With that the man zipped his pants (painfully) and walked began to walk out.
"Are we /really/ doing this?" Sasuke looked down at her, but she paid him no attention, her arms crossed.
"Yeah. I think we are. Leave." Sakura was cold to him, not looking at him, her voice flat.
Sasuke walked away and the woman on screen watched Sakura, "Listen, I think he just feels really trapped right now an-" Karin tried to console her, but Sakura was having none of it. She wiped the desk clear, sending the computer, monitor, and all the parts, flying to the ground with a loud crash.
Sakura was about a millisecond from having a total mental breakdown, tears forming in her eyes, when she heard her daughter's voice calling for her, "Mom! Can you come help me put on my ointment?"
"Yes, honey, I'm coming!" The pink haired woman quickly wiped her eyes and straightened herself before scurrying off to her daughter's room.
The next morning there was the same minivans crowded in front of the school in long lines and mothers sending their children off with love.
And then there was Temari, who was leaning on her car, clad in red pumps and a shirt showing entirely too much cleavage as she smoked a cigarette.
A man walking a few too steps behind his wife and child caught her eye.
"Hey, Kiba? You're lookin' hot!"
"T-thanks?" Kiba stopped, scratching his head, unsure of how to handle his situation.
"You hittin' the gym?"
"Uhh.. Not in like ten years."
"Well it's working for you!" She winked as Kiba's husband angrily dragged him away by the ear.
Meanwhile, at the front of the building there was Ino and her mean mom trio again.
"Here comes the stay at home hobbit.." Anko chuckled into Ino's ear as Tenten shepherded all of her children toward them.
"Tenten.." Ino's voice was less than enthused, "PTA meeting tonight at 5. Tell all your friends!" She said, still trying to get her to leave in a hurry.
"I don't really have any friends.." Tenten thought for a minute, "I mean, there's the moms I meet up with at the park sometimes, but I don't think we're really friends, we just kinda sit close to each other.." The short woman rambled on to deaf ears.
"/Great/! Refreshments will be served.." Ino said, shoving a flyer into her hand. Tenten looked touched, glancing down at the flyer, "Thank you so much for inviting me!" But, when Tenten looked back up her small smile faded as Ino, Anko, and Hinata had already moved on from her, talking to another mother.
"Hottie dad alert!" Hinata practically melted into a puddle as she saw Naruto approach with his son and daughter in tow.
"Naruto! Why don't you come to the meeting tonight?" Anko exclaimed at the blonde man.
"I love the tie!" Ino told him. He looked down at his clothes, "It's just plain blue."
The trio laughed as Naruto began to walk toward the building with his kids. "You're so funny, oh my gosh!" Ino called after him.
"I would let him put it in my butt.." Anko thought out loud, "I mean, like, in theory, I'm against it. But him.. I'd let him go to town back there..."
Okay boys and ghouls, that's all for today. I'm not sure how often I'll update the story, it probably depends on the feedback I get, to be entirely honest.