By herebutnotremembered
April 2 2007
Disclaimer: If I did own the boys, I'd make them hug more.
It starts out small, Sam notices. Little things that his 12 year old brain catches too late. Dean doesn't notice the change, doesn't notice how it tears at Sammy. Sam sighs in defeat and goes over everything that lead to this moment.
He's 12, and Dean doesn't want to stay in with him. Dad's off on some simple hunt for a black dog, leaving Sam and Dean behind for once. Sam feels a balloon of excitement grow in his chest as he sees dad off. He and Dean don't get much time to their selves, and Sam has missed the quality time with his brother. He follows Dean back into the motel room and watches his big brother's next move. He wonders what Dean's got planned for them tonight. Dean fishes through his bag until he finds a black button up shirt, then moves to the bathroom. Sam's heart drops to his stomach. The shirt is a girl magnet and he feels a sting of abandonment at the realization that Dean's going out…without him. Sam moves to stand in the bathroom's doorway, leaning against the frame. "What are you doing?" he asks in a small voice. He's not stupid, he can see that Dean is fixing his hair, but that's not what Sam wants to know. He wants to know how Dean could do this to him again. Leave him alone in some crappy motel room while he goes out with a girl he just met. He wants to know what Dean thinks will come of this, knowing his brother will forget the girl's name tomorrow. He wants to know what he thinks he's doing. "I'm going out, you can do whatever you want while I'm gone." His answer turned Sam's disappointment to anger. Oh so the mighty big brother was giving him free range of the motel room? What a guy. Sam made a disgusted face as he turned away from his brother. He sat down on his and Dean's bed and tried to calm his angered nerves. Why was this happening? Why were girls suddenly such a great alternative to little brothers? He tried to hide the hurt look as Dean swept up his coat from the chair and made his way to the door. "Ok, I don't know when I'll be back, so keep this locked all night, you hear me?" Dean asked looking sternly at his little brother. Sam nodded and put on his best casual expression. "Good, I'll be back later kiddo," he said and with a smile he was gone. Sam looked at the door a long time wondering silently, isn't something missing Dean?
He's 13 and Dean doesn't want to share a bed anymore. He tries not to panic at his brother's statement but feels it well up inside his chest anyway. They've always shared a bed, always. Dean was always beside him every night, ready to fend off nightmares, ready to have a whispered conversation just for them, ready to put an arm around Sam in the presence of loneliness. Dean was always right there, within arms reach. What changed? Did Dean not want to be there for Sam anymore? Did he decide that Sam was old enough to fend off nightmares by himself now? Sam couldn't help the despair that crept into his voice as he asked "why?" Dean sighed with frustration Sam thought might be aimed at him. "Sammy, we're too old to sleep in the same bed anymore." Sam stared at Dean in disbelief. That was it? Age? Maturity? That was what would keep his brother away from him at night? Angry disappointment flooded through Sam and he clenches the sheets tightly. Sheets he would never share with Dean again. The reality of the change was startling, and painful. What's worse is that Dad has agreed to this. He nodded at Dean's request and thought nothing more of it. Dean would sleep on a cot or a couch from now on. Sam looked to the floor as angry tears welled in his eyes. Fine, if this was what Dean wanted, then this was what he'd get. He could go ahead and grow up, but not without a price. He tried to blink the tears away as Dean spoke again. "Come on, don't be like that. It's just time Sammy," he said. Sam looked up then and with angry eyes, said quietly "it's Sam."
He's 14 and Dean tells him to get lost. He and Dean walk to and from school together everyday, but not today. Not ever again. Sam looks up when he hears Dean's laugh. His brow furrows when he sees his brother with a group of other teenagers, walking away from the direction home is in. Sam runs to catch up with Dean and this…group. "Dean!" he yells to get his brother's attention. The entire group turns at his voice, so does his brother. Dean gives him an angry glare and tells him to go home. "Then you're coming too," Sam says defiantly. Dad demanded weapon training after school today and Sam isn't going to let Dean skip out when he himself doesn't want to do it. "No, I'm not. I'm going out tonight, just make up something to tell dad," his brother replies casually. Sam looks at him with astonishment, "you want me to lie to dad? Why? So you can go out and get drunk with your friends. No I don't think so," he says in a determined voice. His confidence surprises him, seeing as how Dean's been on edge these past few days. "Sam I'm gonna tell you this once and only once," Dean says as he takes a few steps closer to his baby brother. "You tell dad where I am, and I'll tell him where you were last week instead of in class," the threat hurts. Not that it has been made known in front of Dean's older friends, but that Dean would actually threaten Sam in any way. He's finally discovered blackmail. Sam thought sadly. "I don't care, tell him, tell him anything you want, but you're coming back with me," now he was getting angry, and slightly scared. Dean had a murderous look in his eyes and Sam had seen it before…on a hunt. He knew Dean would never hurt him, physically anyway. Dean sighed loudly then looked back at his friends. They had stayed unusually quiet throughout the whole confrontation. His big brother made up his mind then and turned back to Sam angrily. He took his little brother by the front of his shirt, and gave him a good shove. "Get lost," he said before turning back to his friends and walking away. Sam watched them go with a quivering lip. He bit it hard to make it stop and turned to the direction of the apartment. Blood filled his mouth and tears filled his eyes. Get lost. Fine, he would. He never walked home from school with Dean again that year.
He's 15 and Dean doesn't care what happens to him. A hunt gone wrong makes all three Winchesters on edge as they settle in the motel room. Dean works hard to stitch Dad's arm, all the while throwing glares at Sam. Sam sits on the edge of the bed dealing with his shame in silence. He'd made a mistake, gotten over confident, and Dad and gotten hurt. "Do you realize you could have gotten us all killed?" Dean yelled angrily as he cut the thread on the last stitch. He didn't mean to be so mean about it, but tonight had scared him, bad. "I know," Sam said quietly. He didn't want to deal with Dean and his go damned mood swings right now. One minute he was a loving older brother, the next he had a little brother who was a burden to him. Sam hated the times Dean thought of him that way. Now was one of those times. "I didn't mean to," he tried, but it only fueled Dean's anger and his big brother marched over to him. "You didn't mean to, but you did! What have we always taught you? Huh? Never get cocky on a hunt!" he raged, and Sam's own anger grew from Dean's words. "I thought I had a clean shot! I went for it! I'm sorry, ok? I made a mistake, but it's over now, we're all ok!" He yelled, now with a desperate sadness tingeing his voice. He hadn't meant for this to happen, it wasn't like he did it on purpose. Why couldn't Dean just forget? "What if your mistake had cost Dad his life! Or mine! What then Sam huh?" Dean asked, thankful that their dad was outside the room. "Oh please! Why do you always do this! It happened, I'm sorry it did, but it did! It's over now, so get over it!" Sam yelled back, watching his brother pace back and forth in a small line. Dean stopped then, anger flowing through his veins unchecked. "You know what? Next time you make a mistake I hope it's you that gets hurt because of it! Maybe then you'll learn!" he turned then and left Sam standing there in the middle of the room. Sam shuddered, suddenly cold as a stray tear ran down his cheek. He made no move to wipe it away. His brother hated him, wanted him to get hurt. There was nothing that would erase the pain Sam felt now. Not the soothing apology or silent hug that would come from Dean later. Not the jokes and genuine smiles his brother would give him, not the gentle hand on his shoulder, or the look of regret in Dean's eyes. All of that didn't matter at this moment, because at this moment, Sam had crumbled to the floor in sorrow.
He's 16 and Dean and Dad have excluded him from their club. He feels it in every story they reminisce about, every inside joke they have, every knowing look they give each other. Dad and Dean are practically one in the same. Dean worships him, listens to him, obeys him. He can't understand why Sam doesn't. Sam feels the weight of his dreams lift whenever he's at school, at the library, anywhere but with dad and Dean. They want him to be one of them, but they don't completely let him in either. He glares at their laughing faces in defiance. In jealousy. Dean used to be his. Sure they were John's children, but Dean had been wrapped around his finger since he was six months old. Now Dean and his dad were hard to tell apart. Sam looked at them sometimes, and wondered when this happened. When did Dean put a father's appreciation above a brother's need? When did he stop acknowledging his brother's needs? Sam watched them now, cleaning weapons, swapping stories. He drew in a deep breath and went back to his book. They didn't understand him, hadn't for a long time. He was research guy, geek boy, not a hunter, not an equal. He bit his lip in anguish when he realized he may never be an equal in their eyes. They loved the life that hunting offered, but Sam wanted more. He looked at Dean again, at the smile plastered on his face, at dad smiling back with pride. Sam despaired at the knowledge that his dad would never look at him that way. Dean was special to him, a fellow hunter, his own god damned prodigy, but where did that leave Sam? He watched them without them even noticing his sad expression, and he thought silently isn't something missing?
He's 17 and Dean punches him. It's swift and unexpected and sends Sam to the floor. He blinks rapidly a few times before looking up at Dean. His brother is standing over him, his fist unfolding. Sam can't help the betrayal that covers his features and enters his voice. "Dean," it's all he can say. Dean takes a deep breath and extends a hand to Sam. Sam looks at it with anger. That hand had just hit him, bruised him. He wasn't sure he wanted anything to do with it anymore. He sat there, on the cold ground outside their motel room, waiting for Dean to get it. It didn't take long and Dean quickly switched to the other hand. Sam grabbed it and let himself be pulled up. He stood away from Dean just looking at him. He had once believed that Dean could never hurt him, not physically. It seemed fate had been determined to prove him wrong tonight. The argument had been stupid, and Sam had goaded Dean on in his own way, but he hadn't expected a punch. He never expected a punch. Not from Dean, protector extrodinare. Not ever. But it happened, and Sam touched a hand to his cheek as he realized how much this would change things. Dean would have to earn his trust back, that was for sure. Dean watched Sam's every move with regret covering his expression. "I'm sorry Sammy," he said in a thick voice that made Sam instantly want to forgive him. He kept his own emotions in check and decided not to talk at all. He then headed back into the motel room, holding the door open for Dean. Minutes later he was applying ice to his cheek and watching some old sitcom with Dean from one of the beds. He still couldn't believe that Dean had hit him. What surprised him even more was the fact that his cheek didn't really hurt at all, even though he'd have a lovely new bruise to show dad when he got back. No, his cheek didn't hurt. His feelings did. Something had been lost tonight. Something in Dean that couldn't ever be replaced. Big brother had punched him, had intended him harm, and that Sam would never forget. Dean had abandoned his protector persona, and in a way, abandoned Sam in the process.
He's 18 and Dean isn't stopping him. He looks at his bus ticket again as he sits on the bench. He reflects on the fight, the fiasco, the big blow out and sighs. He knew it would go down the way it had, but it still hurt. He had walked through fire tonight, and he got burned. Dad had yelled at him about duty and sticking together. Dean had yelled at him about safety and putting family first. Sam gave a sad smile as he remembered the look on Dean's face before he left. He remembers his words before he walked away from them. "You abandoned me long before I abandoned you." He remembers their looks of disbelief as he walked out the door forever. He sits there, on the bench and wills the bus to come now. He wants to be gone, wants to go away and have them miss him. Sam isn't surprised that he wants to be missed by his family. He's never felt that before, he's never actually been missed by anyone. He wants to be gone and know that they want him back, for him. He wants them to come and get him because they need him, Sam. Not the demon hunter and not the research guy, just Sam. He wants to go away and have them miss him so much that they just can't be without him. The way he has missed them these past few years. He wants Dean to miss him the way Sam has missed him. Sam felt the validity of his words back at the motel in full force. They abandoned him along time ago, whether they knew it or not. The bus rolled to a stop and he got up to board it. He hopes that tomorrow they'll look up and say isn't something missing?
Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll have woke up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"isn't something missing? "
You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
Author's notes: Ok! I'm finally done! Yay! Ummm, lyrics are from Evanescence's missing. Please take a moment to review, because I just love hearing what you guys think! Thanks to everyone who read this! I appreciate it!