Many, many thanks with cherries on top to Robert who I borrowed off Alexis to beta this for me, but really it's for her so its not really beta thievery… Anyway, thank you muchly!
This is a ridiculous oneshot for Digitallace and all the readers she has tortured with her cliffhangers.
What lead to this ridiculous moment?
After experiencing yet another cliffhanger from everyone's favourite HPDM author, Digitallace, I threw a rather childish tantrum that went something like this:
Laurel's tantrum: Oh my god, you're seriously going to do this aren't you? You are actually going to leave it like this!! AARRRGGHHH! Buries face in hands and starts to cry with frustration … Deep breath … Wow another cliffhanger! Do you know what I feel like doing? I feel like tallying up how many cliffhangers you have inflicted on your readers just so I can faint in disbelief at how mean you are!
Originally I was just going to count them, inform her petulantly and pout for a while… But then as I snooped through her reviews I saw another of Digitallace's betas (aka Ragnarok45; aka Robert who ended up beta'ing this for me anyways…) say this 'And omfg, that cliffhanger counting thing sounds like soo much fun xD could be entertaining...'
Challenge accepted. I hope you all find this entertaining!
WARNING: Spoiler alert on Digitallace's fics! Mainly Claimed and Memoirs of a Male Escort so if you aren't caught up on them then don't say I didn't warn you! Also, another warning, this may be a little bit of a head fuck as there are several Dracos, several Harrys and two Alexiss… Alexises… um, two Lexis… urgh, no that's not it either… two Digitallaces…? Whatever, just read the damn thing.
--
Counting Cliffhangers
Draco sprinted desperately towards the Astronomy Tower; he pushed himself to move faster, run harder. He wished his body wasn't so heavy, he felt like it was weighing him down and if he was even a second too late, it would surely be the end of him as well as Harry. Draco had foolishly been lured into losing his virginity to Theo Nott after the bastard decided to play Harry Potter dress ups. Theo had slipped Draco some kind of potion which fogged his mind over for the most part so he wasn't able to think clearly enough to question why 'Harry' smelled different, felt different, tasted different; he had dark hair and green eyes and he responded when Draco had called him 'Harry'. It was understandable that he just assumed it was Harry, right?
Of course, as these things go, Harry walked in right when he was screaming to the Gods to be fucked harder!
Damn.
That was three days ago and he had tried to talk to Harry to explain, tried to beg for his forgiveness, but he was suddenly extremely well guarded by his annoyingly protective friends. Stupid Gryffindors.
But none of that mattered right then, not after that note he'd received only five minutes before from the beautiful snowy white owl that belonged to his love. He didn't read it properly, not once he had understood the purpose of the note: to convey eternal love, forgiveness and regret, to say goodbye.
A suicide note.
And this is where we find Draco Malfoy sprinting the halls of Hogwarts School in the middle of the night pushing himself to reach the Astronomy Tower where Harry liked to watch the stars and talk to his departed parents, where Draco knew he would choose to end his life, he knew him that well at least.
He rounded the corner that would lead him out of the dungeons and into the main castle only to crash head first into … a wall? What the…?
"Oh man! Are you okay?" he heard somebody say. "Sorry about that."
"Huh?" Draco asked dazed at three blurry images of the same girl. Damn why won't she stop moving.
"You hit that pretty hard, did you hurt yourself?" she asked him again.
Whoa! Where did the other one go!? There were three of her, then only two… no scratch that, make that one.
Draco's eyes focused painfully on the image of a fair brunette girl looking at him curiously, half concerned, half amused.
"My head hurts. What the hell is that doing there!?" he asked desperately as he recalled his suicidal boyfriend teetering at the edge of the Astronomy Tower window likely to take his final jump at any time, if he hadn't already.
"Sorry about that, I put it there," the girl admitted bashfully, although Draco wondered if she didn't look a bit smug too.
"You what!?" he yelped. "You idiot! My boyfriend is about to leap off the tallest tower in this damn castle and you build a fucking wall here of all places!"
The girl blushed and shrugged as though she was trying to look innocent.
"He's going to die and it'll be all your fault!" he accused her.
"Okay, fine," she sighed. "You're right, it is my fault, but it's all in the name of entertainment I swear!"
"Oh yeah, incredibly entertaining," Draco replied sarcastically. "Who the hell are you!?"
"Oh sorry," she said blushing even harder as she leaned over to offer him her hand to shake. "I'm Alexis. I'm writing this."
He stared at her hand suspiciously and did not take it. "You're what?" he asked looking at her as though she was an escapee from the closed ward at St Mungo's.
"I'm writing this story," she confessed. "We just got to the end of the chapter," she explained gesturing to the wall in front of them.
"But what about Harry!?" Draco pleaded. "Is he going to be okay?"
"You'll just have to wait and see," the girl teased, her eyes dancing playfully.
"Wait and see!? Are you fucking joking!?" he gasped, horrified at her casual tone. "He's about to kill himself!"
"Yeah sorry about that," Alexis muttered guiltily. "I like a little drama to shake things up."
"A little – to shake things up…?" Draco stammered completely shocked. "Are you deranged!?"
"Draco!" someone called to him.
Draco glanced behind him to see his close friend and confidant jogging up to meet him. "Lexi," he sighed exhaustedly. "As much as I'd love to shove hot pokers up Ernie Macmillan's arse to help him get over his mummy issues I really have other things on my mind at this moment."
"I know you arse-hat!" she snapped at him. "I found Harry's note in your room and came to help."
She paused as if she'd just noticed they weren't running like they were being chased by werewolves to save Draco's boyfriend. "Why are we just standing here!? And who are you?" she asked, only just noticing a woman who looked remarkably like her.
"This lunatic has conjured up a wall or something, I can't get passed her!" Draco replied tightly and glared at Alexis, trying to decide if begging, reasoning or murdering her would get him to Harry's side fastest.
"I'm Alexis," the woman smiled clearly unfazed by the Malfoy glare she knew so well and this time offered her hand to her fictional counterpart to shake. Her hand was glared at distastefully again and promptly ignored; she was starting to feel unwelcome here. Shouldn't she be nicer to herself than this? Well, reasonably this was her Slytherin counterpart…
"Interesting," Lexi mused at their similar names. "Have you noticed we look the same?"
"You have no idea," Alexis laughed.
"Oh, yes, yes, dead interesting," Draco interrupted; his tone was dripping with sarcasm. "Gee Alexis why don't you roll up your sleeve and see if you have the same collection of freckles on your forearm as Lexi, it should look like the Orion constellation."
"Oh for God's sake," Lexi huffed.
"No, no, do it, Alexis," Draco continued sarcastically. "I mean what else do we have to worry about? I don't see why we shouldn't just let Harry happily step off the side of the castle while we all stand around comparing battle scars!" he shouted angrily.
"Excuse me young man!" A stern voice reprimanded him from the darkness of the corridor. "What on Earth is all this yelling about?"
Draco just about keeled over when he saw who had approached him, it was him! Well, a different him, but him nonetheless. This Draco Malfoy was older and extremely well groomed; his tone had an air of authority and it almost sounded as though he were a professor here.
"Holy hell," the older Draco breathed when he caught sight of a younger, rather stressed looking version of himself. "Are you me?" he asked dumbly.
"No!" the young Draco replied petulantly. "You're me!"
"I most certainly am not! I've been me for, well, my whole life! Longer than you've been you by any means, so if anybody is anybody around here you are me."
"What?" the young Draco huffed, looking confused.
"Well, I'm older and I've been around longer, so I was myself first," the older man replied smugly.
Alexis, who had been watching this rather confusing exchange, couldn't help herself when she heard the older Draco's retort to the younger one; it was just so Slytherin she had to laugh, and once she started she couldn't stop. She cackled uncontrollably at how surreal this all was.
"What's wrong with her?" the older Draco asked curiously, looking amused.
Lexi just rolled her eyes at the lot of them and looked on unimpressed.
"I think she's some kind of psychopath, she's trying to kill Harry!" the younger Draco accused.
"She what!?" the older Draco shouted, suddenly looking murderous.
Alexis stopped laughing immediately and looked upon the man with wide frightened eyes. "I – um, well that is to say, I'm not exactly, um…" she stammered nervously.
"Apparently she conjured this wall and-" Lexi tried to explain to an older version of her friend before she was interrupted.
"Draco!" another voiced called from the distance. "What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night!"
Alexis nearly melted with relief when she saw an older looking Harry Potter walking up to Draco with a frown. She noticed Draco visibly relax as well upon seeing him.
"Are you alright?" the older Draco asked Harry.
"I'm fine," he replied sounding confused at why he might be anything other than fine. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to get a book from my office," the older Draco explained.
"In the middle of the night?"
"I couldn't sleep," Draco confessed cutely. "What are you doing here?"
"I heard the fireplace flare up when you left and I got worried so I came to check on you," Harry admitted blushing lightly.
"You did huh?" Draco teased, stepping into Harry seductively and playfully trying to grab at his hand.
"Draco, don't," Harry chastised him before stepping back. "You know I want more from you than that, besides you know better than to do that here."
The older Draco pouted. "There's no one here," he whined.
Harry raised his eyebrows and nodded to the three other members of their party in a silent retort to Draco's claim that they were alone.
"My God," Harry gasped when he finally took the time to notice the others. "Are you – I mean, is that -?"
"Yeah," the older Draco said dryly. "That's me, apparently, although I don't ever remember being so impertinent when I was younger."
"When you were younger?" Harry laughed, suggesting that Draco was just as impertinent now as he was when he was while they were at school together. "I'm Harry," he said shaking Alexis' hand.
"Alexis," she replied.
He went to offer his hand to the younger Lexi when Draco violently interrupted him, physically pulling him away and stepping in front of him protectively. "Get away from her Harry!" the older Draco ordered. "She's trying to kill you!"
"You're what!?" Harry gasped looking shocked.
"There's been a tiny misunderstanding," Alexis hurriedly tried to explain. "I'm writing this, we'll not this, I'm not sure how this is happening actually… I have a feeling I may need to have a few words with Laurel about this," she said menacingly.
"I think you're going to have to explain this for us," Lexi requested reasonably, although her friend was twitching noticeably from nerves when thinking of his boyfriend on a window ledge above them.
"Well I wrote you, not you originally – that was J.K. Rowling – but you are my version of her characters, except you, Lexi," Alexis explained as if all this were obvious. "I have a few stories and I think the two of you are from one I wrote called Rivaling Affections," she added referring to the older version of Draco and Harry. "Let me guess you two live together in Harry's house while Draco gets his house built, Harry teaches Defence and Draco Potions."
"That's common knowledge," the older Draco scoffed.
"Okay, how's this?" she replied smugly. "Harry has trouble controlling his magic and once he blew up an entire floor of Grimmauld Place almost killing Ron."
Harry's mouth gaped open. "How could you possibly know that!?"
"Like I said, I wrote it," she replied.
"And you're trying to kill me?" he asked still confused.
"She has my Harry up on the ledge of the Astronomy Tower window ready to jump and she won't let me through to save him!" the younger Draco finally piped up gesturing to the gigantic wall blocking his way.
"Good God, is that a wall?" Harry gasped.
"It's a cliffhanger, it's supposed to give the story an air of suspense so the readers are left wanting more," Alexis explained. "Also they tend to review more if I leave them hanging."
"I'm looking for the Potions Master!" shouted a frantic looking otherworldly Draco Malfoy as he ran up to the group. "Are you the Potions Master?"
"Fucking hell!" the young Draco exclaimed as Lexi stepped in closer to him for protection. "How many of us are there!?"
"Harry?" the pale otherworldly Draco asked sounding surprised. "Harry! Are you- wait, you're not Harry," he accused.
"I am Harry," Harry retorted. "Evidently not your Harry," he said glaring at Alexis.
She shrugged at him innocently.
"What's wrong with you?" the younger Draco asked as he took in the new arrival's unusual appearance.
"Draco!" Lexi hissed at him, obviously worried about her friend coming across so bluntly to such a dangerous looking creature.
"They've stolen Harry from me! I think they've given him some kind of potion, I need help!" the strange Draco pleaded.
"Okay, I'll see what I can do," the older Draco said calmly. "You aren't human are you?"
"No, I'm a vampire," he stated simply. "Please, you need to save him, we're going to have a baby," he begged.
"How are you having a baby?" the younger Draco asked, later he would wish he hadn't bothered.
"I'm not sure, all I know is that I have a baby growing inside me," he cooed lovingly to his abdomen.
"Urgh," young Draco groaned. "I'm going to be sick."
Lexi stood beside him also looking a tad queasy herself, and even Alexis, who penned Draco into this state of otherworldly pregnancy, looked a little unwell.
"Are you sure?" Harry asked.
"Yes! I'm not crazy," the vampire snapped after taking in their disbelieving stares.
Harry looked directly at Alexis who gulped. "Umm," she hummed nervously.
Harry opened his mouth, probably to reprimand her as though she were a child when in fact they were about the same age, when they all heard footsteps echoing down the corridor. The group silenced in time to watch a young Harry Potter carrying a tall flute of what looked to be a strawberry milkshake.
"What the…?" young Draco asked with a frown. "What is he doing?"
"It doesn't matter! We need to save Harry!" the vampire informed them harshly.
"That's right!" young Draco agreed. "We need to save Harry!"
"Nobody move!" a sharp voice directed them dangerously.
Each member of their party froze at the harshness of the voice and out of the darkness stepped another version of Harry Potter in his late twenties. He was holding a slender, immaculate and dangerous looking wand towards them.
"Draco, baby, get behind me," he ordered softly towards the older human Draco. He looked worriedly at the odd versions of his lover and then the copy off himself who also had his wand drawn, but seemed not to care as long as Draco came as he was called.
"Come on baby," he beckoned again when Draco hesitated.
"Where is your Draco?" Harry asked glaring again at Alexis who didn't seem surprised at the appearance of another Harry looking for his Draco.
"What do you mean?" the newly arrived Harry asked. "He's right next to you, I can see him. I'm not sure how you got some of my hair for your polyjuice potion but I assure you, you will not get away with this!"
"I'm not a polyjuiced Harry Potter," Harry explained. "Apparently, I'm you from another universe. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy are paired together many times, in many ways, in many different universes, and somehow we have all ended up here together."
"You are another me?" the new Harry asked suspiciously.
"Yes and this is my Draco, yours is somewhere else," he explained.
"Your Draco, eh?" Draco sung teasingly while wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at Harry.
"So you and I didn't just make love under the stars?" the new Harry asked the older Draco desperately.
"No, sorry, but it sounds delicious," Draco replied saucily with the other two Draco's nodding in agreement.
Alexis giggled and Lexi again rolled her eyes but couldn't suppress her smile.
"So my Draco is…"
"-still with the Code, yeah, I'm sorry," Alexis finished for him; she actually did sound sad for him.
"I was just with Dennis and he was about to tell me who else knew about our whereabouts when he froze up like someone had cast a body bind on him," the new Harry explained while still holding them all nervously at the other end of his wand. "I tried every spell I knew on him and nothing happened! He was just frozen like stone half way through his sentence!"
"Yeah, I got to the end of that chapter," Alexis said cringing as she realized she was once again going to have to explain the impossible and implicate herself as the culprit to all their misfortune.
"What do you mean you got to the end of the chapter?" the new Harry asked with a growl that was echoed by the younger human Draco.
"Oh, um, well, it's a cliffhanger you see, and, um," Alexis nervously stuttered in way of an explanation when thankfully she was again saved by the return of the young Harry Potter now without his flute of strawberry milkshake.
The young Harry looked smug but worried as he wandered back to Gryffindor Tower empty handed. He was a fair distance from the group and so deep in thought he hadn't noticed any of them when he suddenly paused and jerked violently before falling to his hands and knees in the middle of the corridor.
Each member of this unusual party looked on in shock and worry as the young boy moaned and panted there on his knees, only Alexis blushed with a barely concealed grin.
"Urgh!" the young Harry cried out in ecstasy, alerting the rest of the group to what was actually happening and piquing their interest.
"Oh my," Lexi gasped as she saw a particularly violent shiver course through the young man's body.
"Hey, check it out," the young Draco whispered, pointing to a suit of armour only a few metres from where the young Harry was writhing on the stone floor. "It's another me."
Sure enough when everyone looked over there was another young Draco Malfoy watching Harry Potter quiver with pleasure as they all were. The hidden Draco looked intensely satisfied as he watched sipping his strawberry milkshake and glancing fondly at a small doll clutched in his left hand.
"Whoa," the young Draco sighed looking impressed. "Man, I am so good."
"Oh you sure think so," Lexi quipped, "but I know better."
"Shut up! I bet you don't even know how I'm doing that to him," he challenged her.
"How do you know it's you?" the older Harry challenged him, sounding a little miffed on the younger, writhing Harry's behalf.
"Oh please," the older Draco huffed. "Look at my face, as if it's not half obvious."
"You're just standing there holding a doll," Harry retorted as though there were nothing impressive about it at all. "I hate to break it to you but that's not nearly enough to get me off like that."
"Trust me it's me doing that to you," Draco replied smugly. "I don't know how I'm doing it but I am… Harry, are you hard?"
Alexis had to bite her tongue to keep from laughing at this, she was starting to understand how much trouble she'd gotten herself into and the least conspicuous she was the better. She should have feigned ignorance from the start.
"What!? No!" Harry protested shifting around the front of his pants trying to look casual.
"You are!" Draco teased him joyfully. "That's kind of wrong isn't it? Getting hot from seeing your younger self get off?"
"Speak for yourself, Stiffy!" Harry teased back.
"Hey that's totally different, I'm watching you get off, you're watching yourself get off…"
"Oh for God's sake, Draco!" Harry huffed, knowing he couldn't win, somehow the blonde always twisted things into his favour.
"As hot as that is, why are we still standing here arguing about stupid things when my Harry is about to kill himself and your Draco is, um, well – wherever…" the younger Draco spoke up interrupting the arousing show which ended promptly with a loud cry from the panting teen as he slumped to the ground in defeat and the spying Draco slinked back off to his dorms.
"He's right, I need to get to Draco!" the other Harry announced, he had stayed silent throughout the erotic show although his wand had remained raised.
"Yes, we need to find my Harry too and find out what the potion was he took and where they would be keeping him," the otherworldly Draco planned.
"No we don't," the older Harry said easily. "All we need to do is get her to fix it! She's controlling all this!" he accused, pointing towards Alexis who was looking worried but thoroughly entertained.
"She is?" the other Harry asked confused.
"Hey now!" Alexis argued. "I have a responsibility to my readers!"
"You readers are entertained by our misfortune?" the older Harry scowled.
"Actually, yes," Alexis mused. "They usually prefer a happy ending though so the outlook is good for most of you."
"The outlook is good? Oh well that's comforting!" the older human Draco scoffed.
"No one would get further than the first chapter if your lives were dull and happy," Alexis reasoned. "It would be boring."
"Boring!?" young Draco shouted, advancing on her. "I'll give you boring, Lady!"
Alexis gulped and started to back away as the young enraged looking blonde stepped towards her.
"You stole Harry from me!?" the vampire snarled baring his fangs.
"Umm, I also gave him to you in the first place," she tried to reason.
"So you gave him to me only to rip him away?" he accused.
"Oh well, when you say it like that…" she laughed hollowly.
She backed up slowly until she felt her back press against the cold stone wall.
Damn. What was she going to do now?
… To be continued …
Maybe.
--
Sooo what did you think? Review my lovelies!