As the Temple Turns

by Fat Puppy

Yappy Obi. PreTPM. ObiWan is 13 Nonslash. When QuiGon and Bren come down with the flu, ObiWan is left in the care of Mace. Things take off from there.

TITLE: As the Temple Turns

AUTHOR: Obi the Kid

RATING: PG

SUMMARY: Pre-TPM. (Obi-Wan is 13) Non-slash. When Qui-Gon and Bren come down with the flu, Obi-Wan is left in the care of Mace. Things take off from there.

FEEDBACK: Yes, please.

ARCHIVE: Ask me first.

MY WEBSITE: http/ The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.

As the Temple Turns

(Obi-Wan Kenobi waited as Healer Terran Va'lor returned from his visits with the two sick patients. He hoped the news was good.)

Obi: Are they gonna live?

Terran: Of course they're going to live. It's nothing too serious. Just a bad case of the Karian Flu. It's amazing that you seem to be immune to it.

Obi: Does this mean that I can't hug them?

Terran: For right now, yes. I don't think they're in much of a mood to hug anyway.

Obi: So, what do I do? Master Qui-Gon and Master Bren are both out of commission. Do I just wander the temple? Wander the city? Make myself busy for the next week?

Terran: No. Qui-Gon has spoken with the council and they have agreed that you should work with Master Windu until Qui-Gon and Bren are back on their feet.

Obi: Master Windu doesn't like me. He was in the same hospital room as me one time. Remember? I think he threatened you with death if you didn't move him away from me. I don't know why. I was being good. I tried to get him to watch those holo-soaps with me. The 'Bald and the Beautiful' is my favorite. There's a guy on that show that looks just like him. But he doesn't wear purple.

Terran: Well, perhaps you can introduce him to that show again. You'll have plenty of time to try. He'll be here in about three minutes to pick you up.

Obi: He's gonna carry me? Can't I just walk? I'm thirteen you know. My legs are fully functional.

Terran: That's not what I meant. Don't take everything so literally. He's coming here to get you.

Obi: That sounds scary. He's coming to get me! He's coming to take me away! Ha ha, ho ho, he he.

Terran: I better warn Nev that Mace will be making a visit later this week. Maybe even later this day.

(The door swished open and a not-to-happy Mace Windu walked in.)

Terran: Master Windu. Good to see you. Obi-Wan is ready for his first day under your care.

Mace: Care? I don't care for this boy. I don't care to be training him. I was suckered into this by that damn sith troll.

Obi: Everyone calls him that. Master Yoda must not have many friends. Well, except Yaddle. But that's just…eww…don't even want to talk about it.

Mace: Then don't. In fact, don't talk at all.

Obi: You ask the impossible. I can't grant you that.

Mace: You will be training with me during the day. But at night, you will stay in your own quarters. Alone. If you have any problems at night, tough. Learn to deal with it. You will come to my quarters promptly at eight each morning. If you are late, you will run a lap for every minute you are late. You will return to your quarters at seven in the evening to do whatever it is that you do. Hug your pillow. Talk to the wall. I really don't care, as long as I'm not involved. Understand?

Obi: Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed, didn't they? Do you need a hug? It'll make you feel better.

Mace: That leads me to my next rule. No hugs.

Obi: But I need them. At least one a day. I can't hug Master Bren, she's sick. I can't hug Master Qui-Gon, he's sick. And he won't hug me anyway. Haven't you seen that new speeder bumper sticker? 'Hug a Council Member.'

Mace: No, but I have seen the one that says 'Hug Me and Die.'

Obi: Hmm, musta missed that one. Good thing my master hasn't seen it though. He'd get a hundred of them and stick them all over his body.

Mace: Are you ready?

Obi: Can I say goodbye to my master first?

Mace: No. Call him later. Let's go.

(Terran looked at the boy and gave him a pat on the back.)

Terran: Good luck, kid. Try not to do too much damage to him, okay?

Obi: I guess I'm ready. Where are we going?

(Mace walked quickly into the hall and proceeded in the general direction of the sparring gym. Obi-Wan hurried to keep up, moving into a light jog to try and keep pace.)

Obi: Can you slow down a little, Master Windu? My legs are short. Are we going to the sparring gym? I love to spar. I haven't burnt any part of my master's body in a long time either. He's very proud of me for that. He's been teaching me new moves. Can I try them on you? I bet you know them already though. He says he learned them from Master Dorko a long time ago. Did you know Master Dorko? I haven't met him. My master doesn't want me near him. He says he's a cranky old man who likes to pretend he's the wicked witch of the west when he's on his speeder bike. I don't like witches. They have those creepy voices and those long noses with warts on them. Why are witches usually green? Are they related to trolls? Is Yaddle a witch? Why do you let witches on the council? Did she threaten to put a spell on you if you didn't? I think she's just there because her Yoda is. He put her there, didn't he? Isn't that wrong? Isn't that favoritism? Why won't you let my master on the council?

(Mace stopped walking and turned to the boy.)

Mace: What are you babbling about? How can you start out asking about our destination and end up talking about trolls on the council? How do you do that? Does the phrase 'staying on subject' mean anything to you?

Obi: Not really. How can you limit yourself to one subject? There's so much to talk about.

Mace: Yes, but do you have to talk about it all at one time? In one breath? And who is Master Dorko?

Obi: Master Qui-Gon's master.

Mace: It's pronounced Dooku.

Obi: Close enough. Do you know him?

Mace: Yes.

Obi: Do you like him?

Mace: No comment.

Obi: I think he's why my master can be so grumpy and mushless. He didn't have a loving, mushy master to teach him.

Mace: Ah, yes. Mush. Your favorite obsession. Are you planning to harass me with that all week? Because let me just tell you right now, I don't hug.

Obi: But I saw you hugging those women. The half naked ones.

Mace: Please don't talk about that in the hall. I don't want my personal business all over the temple. Would you mind if we continued walking?

Obi: No. But you never told me where we are going.

Mace: To the sparring gym.

Obi: I get to spar with you? I've never sparred with anyone who has a purple saber before.

Mace: And you won't today. I found a sparring partner for you.

Obi: Who?

Mace: Let's go find out.

(They arrived at the gym. It was filled with pairs of sparring partners waged in their own personal training battles.)

Obi: It's busy in here today. Are you giving out free donuts or something?

Mace: There are all here to see someone specific.

Obi: Not me I hope. I can't spar under pressure. Too many eyes on me and I start taking out people's knees. Master Brazo had to visit the healers five times because of me one time.

(He stopped his lips for a moment to watch the Jedi who was just coming through the door. All eyes in the gym turned to watch as well. The Jedi was tall and broad, with long black hair combed out to perfection. He was well muscled. His eyes were a hypnotizing icy blue. He was a picture of envy too all who looked upon him. Many of the human female Jedi in the gym fainted as he strode around the room. Several of the men did as well.)

Obi: Whoa. That's Master Cyan Verrano. I thought he was away on a two-year mission. I bet he's a good hugger. Some of the female Jedi call him Fabio for some reason.

Mace: Perhaps you'll find out why. He's your sparring partner.

Obi: Huh?

Mace: Yup.

Obi: Um. He's about ten feet taller than I am. And just a bit stronger. Not to mention he has the reputation as the best swordsman in the Jedi Order. Shouldn't I be paired up with someone with less skills? You, maybe?

Mace: Are you questioning my skills with the saber?

Obi: Yes. I've seen you fight, Master Windu. You're not all that. Master Bren could kick your butt.

Mace: A woman? I think not, boy.

Obi: That's how Master Qui-Gon used to think. But she's always kicking his butt.

Mace: We'll talk about his later. Let me introduce you to your sparring partner for the day.

Obi: For the DAY? I won't last two seconds. Are you sure this is a good idea?

Mace: Yes. About a good an idea as it was for the council to volunteer me to baby-sit you for a week.

Obi: I'm not that bad.

Mace: Everyone that you come in contact with ends up having a yellow robe strapped to them and are taken away by men with butterfly nets.

Obi: Oh, and it's my fault there are so many unstable Jedi in the temple? Maybe you guys should be more careful about who you bring into this place.

Mace: Whatever. Come meet your match, boy.

(They made their way towards Verrano, Mace calling to him as they came to stand near him. The big Jedi looked down at them both.)

Cyan: Master Windu. Good to see you again. It's been a while. Still bald, I see. The hair transplant didn't take?

Obi: Hair transplant? Oh um…can I laugh? Please? You actually tried that?

Mace: Shut up. It was that damn troll's idea. Cyan Verrano, I would like you to meet Obi-Wan Kenobi. Your sparring partner for the day.

Cyan: He's a little short.

(The Jedi stood next to the boy, Obi-Wan's head barely taller than Verrano's waist.)

Obi: No, I am normal. You are a mutant.

Cyan: Smart mouth too, I see. I like that. Too many young Jedi today spend their day's kissing the butts of masters. I like a kid who's not afraid to speak his mind.

Mace: Or any random thought that might stray his way at any second.

Obi: I have to speak my mind. It's the only way anyone will listen to me.

Mace: They aren't listening to you, they are trying to plot their method of escape from you.

Cyan: He looks like a good kid. Leave him be, Mace. He and I are here to spar.

Obi: Or attempt to. Can you maybe spar from your knees or something? Or maybe in a chair? Otherwise I'll be sparring your waist and if I uh…accidentally hit the wrong place…um…you might be singing falsetto for a while.

Cyan: Obi-Wan, you make me laugh. Thank you. Don't worry, we can manage this.

Obi: Why did everyone fall over when you walked into the room? And why do women call you Fabio?

Cyan: That's something you don't need to worry about until you are older.

Obi: Adult mush. I understand. Thank you for not talking about it.

Cyan: Adult mush? Oh, never mind. I understand.

Obi: You do? I don't have to explain it? Wow, this is a first.

Cyan: I understand, because I listen. Now, shall we spar?

Obi: Yes! My master will never believe this. He'll be jealous of me sparring with the best swordsman in the Order.

Cyan: Ignore that title. I'm no better than anyone else. Who is your master?

Obi: Qui-Gon Jinn.

Cyan: I know Qui-Gon. Good man. I didn't know he'd taken a new apprentice. It's good that he did.

Obi: I love him, but he's a little stressed at times. But he's funny too, especially when he's standing in the mirror pruning himself and doing his sexy Qui-Gon dance for Master Bren.

Cyan: Details that I really don't need to hear, Obi-Wan. Ready to spar?

(The match, of course, didn't last long. Obi-Wan ended up on his butt ten times in the first five minutes of the match. But Cyan admired his resilience to keep getting back on his feet and trying again. After an hour of this however, Obi-Wan's legs could stand no more. He lay on his back in he middle of the gym with arms and legs flailed out to the side and panting desperately for each breath.)

Obi: Can't…do it…anymore. No…energy. I…give. You…da man. SOS. Uncle! I surrender. Throwing…in…the towel. Raising…the…white…flag. Mercy. Pity. I canna du it capn'!

Cyan: I'm impressed, Obi-Wan. You're a spunky little thing, aren't you?

Obi: You have no idea. You should…see me…when I am…high on…mush.

Cyan: Let me help you up.

(He pulled the boy to his feet and finally Obi-Wan found his breath. Mace approached the pair.)

Mace: Not bad, Kenobi.

Obi: Can I go to bed now? I feel like I've been run over by a herd of trolls riding on a bantha.

Mace: No. You're not tired enough. But I have an idea. Why don't you spend the rest of the day with Master Verrano. He likes you. And finding someone who can stand you for more than three minutes is a difficult task. Verrano, he's yours. Just order him to his quarters when you're tired of listening to his babbling. I'll see you tomorrow, Kenobi. Bye. (And he ran out of the gym.)

Obi: Master Yoda is not going to be happy about this. Neither are you, probably, Master Cyan. I'm a handful.

Cyan: Nonsense. I see a bright boy with quite the talent with the sword. Sure you like to babble and you have an issue with hugs, but who doesn't have issues with something, right? The day you find me a perfect Jedi is the day I give up my life with the Order. Now, I've not trained a padawan in a number of years, so I'm a bit out of practice. What's on the agenda, Obi-Wan?

Obi: I have to do research in the archives. Archives Mari always gives me a hard time when I'm there and I never get my assignments done on time. Could you help me?

Cyan: Lead the way!

(The archives were quiet with only a few padawans and older knights to be found. Obi-Wan happily bounced along with Cyan Verrano on his heels. They made an odd looking pair to say the least.)

Obi: No sign of Archives Mari. I have to do a project on the Living Force. Master Bren assigned it to me since she's laid up in the hospital. I think she's been talking to Master Qui-Gon though. He's all high on this Living Force stuff. Keeps trying to make me learn about it. They like to team up against me sometimes.

(He stopped for a second.)

Obi: I feel the presence of the dark side approaching.

(Mari Deril, Archives Technician, approached from the back of the room.)

Mari: I thought I heard your mouth. I'd know that babble anywhere. Kenobi, we've been through this before. You know you're not allowed in here without… (she looked up at Verrano who came to stand next to the boy). Oh, um…hello. Hello! What can I do for you, sir? Anything I can assist you with?

(Obi-Wan watched as Mari's face suddenly beamed bright red, and she went into super-flirt mode.)

Cyan: Not me. Obi-Wan here is doing research on the Living Force. Perhaps you can assist him in locating the best reference chips to use.

Mari: Oh, I um…why certainly I can. Obi-Wan, Honey, just look on aisle A-47. Bottom shelf. You can't miss it. Help yourself. And if you need anything else, just let me know. Okay, Darling?

Obi: Honey? Darling? Hello? Archives Mari? Anyone home? This is me you're talking to. Motor Mouth Obi? Remember? You usually yell at me, lecture me and then kick me out of here.

Mari: Huh? What? Did you say something, Sweetie?

Obi: Um, yes?

Mari: Hi, I'm Mari. And you are? (She held out her hand to Cyan all the while she took his entire being in with her eyes.)

Cyan: Cyan Verrano. Good to meet you, Mari. You certainly keep a clean archive. You don't mind if Obi-Wan studies here for a while, do you?

Mari: Not at all. He can stay as long as he likes. I welcome all students to my library. I've not seen you around before, Master Cyan. May I call you Cyan?

Obi: This is not the same woman.

Cyan: It is my name.

(He smiled at her and she immediately fell to the floor.)

Mari: Whoops. Silly me. Excuse my clumsiness.

Obi: Uh oh, Archives Mari's got it bad.

Mari: What is that, Obi-Wan? Did you say something else? I'm sorry. I was speaking to Master Fabio…I mean, Master Cyan here.

Obi: Master Brazo isn't gonna be happy when he finds out that you're cheating on him.

Mari: I'm not cheating. I'm only looking.

Obi: You're drooling.

Mari: Oh…uh…um. Ah, okay. Really, I'm sorry. (Something snapped and Mari returned to her normal self.) Kenobi, get what you need and get out. And no talking. Nice to meet you, Cyan. Please feel free to visit here anytime you like.

Cyan: Thank you.

(Mari wandered off leaving Obi-Wan shaking his head. He spent two hours on research before boredom set in.)

Obi: This Living Force stuff gets old after a while. I just want to know how to pick up bad guys and hurl them at walls. Once I learn that, I'm good to go. Can we leave now, Master Cyan?

Cyan: Since I really don't know what my role here is, I don't see why not. What would you like to do?

Obi: Swimming! I haven't been to the pool in ages! Do you swim?

Cyan: Yes I do.

Obi: Okay, then. ARCHIVES MARI! I AM LEAVING NOW! I AM GOING TO THE POOL IF ANYONE WANTS TO KNOW OR NEEDS MY ADVICE WITH MUSH. OR IF ANYONE NEEDS A HUG, JUST SEND THEM TO ME! OKAY?

Mari: THE POOL? (She hurried out from behind the pillar where she'd been hiding.) I think I'll tag along with you.

Obi: Now Master Brazo is really gonna be upset.

Mari: What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

(They wandered towards the pool. When they got there, Cyan excused himself to change into his swimming attire. He walked from the dressing room, each long stride of his showing off the well-tanned and muscular legs, leading up to the perfectly defined abs and chest, which were now bare.)

Obi: Oh, Force. They're gonna drop like flies now.

(Several female masters, including Yaddle were gathered around the pool. All of them fell over as Cyan passed. Mari entered the pool area and saw the man in front of her and began drooling almost immediately.)

Obi: And you guys think that I have issues? You guys are worse than I am when I see Lima! Yaddle, you should be ashamed of yourself. Giving up a fine specimen like Master Yoda for this!

(The boy laughed loudly at his comments, then noticed a much smaller presence entering the pool area in his bathing suit. Yoda.)

Obi: Oh damn. See? This is why I have nightmares.

Yoda: Sexy legs, I have. Wax them now I do, as Master Windu directed me. Where is my Yaddle?

Obi: Over there drooling over Master Cyan.

Yoda: Drool over another she does? Wrong this is. Drool over me, and me alone, she must.

Obi: That's it, I'm gonna be sick.

(Cyan entered the water. A wake of women followed. Several were unable to withstand the power and they fell over before they made it to the water. Everywhere the man went, a trail of women were close behind. Women came in from other rooms to join in. An hour after they'd arrived at the pool, there were more than fifty flushed and drooling women hovering around Master Cyan Verrano. One of them, a brown wookie type woman named Nisha kept looking at him, examining him closely. Every feature of his face and body. Then she yelled out suddenly.)

Nisha: IT'S HIM! IT'S MASTER STUDDLY FROM THE JEDI ROMANCE NOVELS! IT'S HIM!

Obi: Huh? Master Cyan, what is she talking about? Jedi Romance? Oh no, say it ain't so. You're not another adult mush addict are you? How can you do this to me? I had such high hopes for you.

Cyan: You'd better get out of here kid. It's going to get ugly soon. I was hoping that no one would recognize me since the person who draws me on those holo novels changed my hair color and a few other things.

Obi: The drool is gonna hit the fan now, huh?

Cyan: I think so.

Obi: But, adult mush? How could you do this to me? You know how much I look up to you.

Cyan: We've known each other for two hours.

Obi: I know, I attach quickly. Just be glad I haven't started leeching yet.

Cyan: Master Studdly is just a character. It's not really me. I just volunteered to be on the covers. I thought it would be fun.

Obi: Drool is not fun. Having trolls wanting adult mush from you is not fun. The herd of women who are flocking this way right now, is not fun. Uh…I've gotta go now. If you make it out of this alive, Master Cyan, let me know. Bye!

(The boy escaped just in time. The swarm overwhelmed Verrano and all Obi-Wan heard as he ran from the pool area, was the screams and sighs of dozens of drooling women.)

(Obi-Wan wandered for a bit before ending up in the council chambers. Since Master Windu was his officially appointed guardian, he figured he should report back to him while Master Cyan was occupied. He walked directly into the chambers where the council should have been discussing important world-worthy issues. Instead they were comparing notes on hair gel and waxing techniques. Mace was strutting around the room showing the rest of the group how his hair free head and legs were waxed to shiny perfection. They weren't expecting a visitor.)

Obi: This is what the council does behind closed doors? Strut around showing off their nasty legs to each other? Trading stories about hair gel? I hate to ask this question, but aren't there problems that need to be solved? Worlds that need us? Oppressed peoples who are crying out for our help? Small, blonde headed whiny kids roaming desert planets with plans to destroy the Jedi? Old hermits wandering the desert talking to themselves and waiting to learn how to become a blue ghostie? These people need our help! And you are here worrying about your shiny head! You all should be ashamed of yourselves. Do you know where Master Yoda is right now? He's in the pool area thudding over Master Cyan. Don't make me get into the details. It's too horrid to think about. The world is falling apart around us, large orange frog-like creatures are invading our holo-vids, pastries are becoming hairpieces and you guys are doing THIS?

Mace: Kenobi! Didn't I leave you with Master Cyan for the day?

Obi: Yes, but he's busy. And how can you get away with shrugging off your responsibility like that? I'm a padawan. An apprentice. A young one. A little guy. A pad. A learner. A kid. An innocent child. And you let me roam the dangerous halls of the temple alone?

Mace: What's dangerous? You are perfectly safe here in the temple.

(A sudden commotion rattled outside the door. Obi-Wan knew what it was. The thump after thump told him all he needed to. He pressed the door open to reveal Master Cyan strolling down the hall, women (and others) falling over as he walked by. A loud sigh was heard from each person before they fell over and fainted.)

Obi: Not dangerous? You let Jedi who look like THAT walk around the temple uncovered and you think it's not dangerous?

(As Obi-Wan turned back to the council, half of them had slumped in their chairs. Out cold.)

Obi: See? This is what I mean! One look and women just fall. It's a scary power. If the sith ever find out about this, we are doomed. They won't need any Chosen One to help bring us down. They can do it just by taking the clothes off of Master Cyan and having him parade around the temple.

Mace: What are you babbling about? Stop it! See what you did in here? Half of my audience is unconscious now. How can I show off my legs to people who are out cold?

Obi: Oh sure, blame me for this. I have nothing to do with it. You are supposed to be looking after me today. You pawn me off on Sexy Beast out there, who is about fifteen feet taller than me by the way. He attracts all the women in the temple, like bees to honey. They all faint and are unable to get their work done. Meanwhile you, Medusa, Cone head, Schnauzer Boy and that other troll looking thing over there…what the heck is he anyway? Looks like someone had a bunch of spare parts, threw them all together, mixed it with some beige colored playdoh and made a Jedi. Weird. Anyway…all of this happening and you blame me? No wonder Master

Qui-Gon doesn't wanna be one of you. You get in here, get a chair, watch your ego and head explode and become oblivious to the world. Well, oblivious to everything except hairless legs and hair gel. And why do you need hair gel anyway? In case you haven't noticed, you have no hair!

Mace: Please stop talking. Go visit your whacko master in the hospital for a while. I'm sure he misses you.

Obi: Why do you hate me, Master Windu?

Mace: I don't hate you. I despise you. There's a difference.

Obi: Anakin thinks so too.

Mace: Who?

Obi: Nothing. Why do you despise me?

Mace: Because.

Obi: Because why?

Mace: Because I do.

Obi: Because why?

Mace: Because…WHY am I arguing with you about this?

Obi: Because.

Mace: Because why? STOP THAT! Get out. Now.

Obi: I can't leave. You were assigned to look after me this week. If you want to change that, you need to talk to Master Yoda who is probably following after Yaddle who is probably thudding after Master Cyan. See what you started by teaming me up with Master Cyan? It's crazy out there! This place is like a soap opera. As The Temple Turns.

Mace: GET OUT! And take your yapping lips with you!

Obi: But…

Mace: I don't care what that damn little sith troll said.

Obi: Master Yoda should just change his name to that Damn Little Sith Troll and be done with it.

(Their argument was interrupted by a bellowing voice that had just come in the door. Master Brazo.)

Brazo: GOOD AFTERNOON! What a beautiful day it is to be alive.

Obi: (whispering to Mace) Obviously he hasn't seen what Archivea Mari has been doing all morning.

Mace: Didn't I just tell you to leave? Don't you listen? Who ever nominated you to be a Jedi anyway?

Obi: You have to be nominated? I thought you guys just roamed the galaxy, stole innocent young babies away from their loving parents, forced them to wear these bland colors and then sent them off on dangerous missions to be killed or kidnapped. I didn't know there was a nomination. I wonder who nominated Master Yoda. Probably another troll. Who nominated you, Master Windu?

Mace: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!

Brazo: Obi-Wan, are you harassing the council again?

Obi: Yes.

Brazo: Have you seen my lovely Mari today? I can't seem to find her.

Obi: Just follow the trail of dominoed Jedi in the hall.

Brazo: I saw that. What happened? Bad feesh in the dining hall again? The last time they found that Master Yoda had thrown slime in the batter. Food poisoning all around! What a fun day that was. Anyway, where is Mari?

Obi: Maybe you should come with me, Master Brazo.

Mace: Thank you. And I am locking the door once you leave, Kenobi.

Obi: How about a hug before I go?

Mace: Please don't make me kill you.

Obi: Sheesh. And Anakin calls ME Mr. Grumpy.

Brazo: Come on, Obi-Wan. I need to see Mari.

(The pair moved into the hall.)

Obi: Why?

Brazo: Uh, no reason. I just need to see her.

Obi: Oh, adult mush. Never mind. You might change your tune in a few minutes though.

(Eventually they came to a halt near the main balcony overlook. Around the door, dozens of female Jedi were crowded around and swooning over the man who was standing on the balcony. His long hair flowing in the breeze.)

Brazo: Who is that?

Obi: Master Cyan Verrano.

Brazo: The guy on the cover of the Jedi Romance novels?

Obi: Oh, not you too. You read that crap?

Brazo: Oh, um…no. Mari does though. I just uh, look at the pictures. No wait, that doesn't sound good either, does it?

Obi: I sparred with Master Cyan today. Then he helped me with some studying I had to do. Archives Mari proceeded to drool all over him. Then she followed us to the pool where she encouraged others to drool. Then Master Yoda tried to show me his sexy backwards legs.

Brazo: My Mari…my…Mari…he's trying to steal my Mari from me?

Obi: No. She's trying to force him to steal her from you. He's innocent even though he looks like that. She's got it bad.

Brazo: I can't believe she would drop me for him. What's he got that I don't have?

(As if on cue, Cyan flipped his hair back and removed his robe. He was only wearing his bathing suit underneath so most of his body was still bare. He tried to soak in the sun with his body.)

Brazo: Oh. Stupid question. Okay. I've lost this battle. I've lost Mari forever. The only person I've ever loved. Gone forever.

Obi: I love you, Master Brazo.

Brazo: I know. But it's not the same thing. She was my life. My center. My world. My galaxy. My universe. My Sweet-ums. My Merry Mari. My…

Obi: She's an archives technician.

Brazo: And so much more. You have no idea, Obi-Wan. I can't believe I've lost her.

Obi: Actually I think if you can just stop her from drooling long enough to knock some sense into her head, you can have her back. I don't think Master Cyan wants anyone in his life right now.

Brazo: You mean I haven't lost her? She's still mine? All mine? My Mari Mari quite contrary?

Obi: If you start talking about gardens, I'm outta here.

Brazo: But how do I get her away from Fabio there?

Obi: Lure her with something nasty.

Brazo: Adult mush?

Obi: That's definitely nasty.

Brazo: Oh Mariiiiiiiiiiiiii, my love?

(Brazo floated off towards the swarm of ladies. Obi-Wan made his escape.)

(After wandering a bit more, Obi-Wan finally decided to go see Qui-Gon and Bren in the hospital. Since he seemed immune to the flu they had contracted, Terran figured it was okay to let him visit.)

Terran: You can visit for a while. I know it's probably been a boring day for you so far.

Obi: Boring? No. Odd? Yes.

Terran: That's not hard to fathom either. Go ahead in.

(Obi-Wan slowly moved into the hospital room that was the temporary home for Qui-Gon and Bren. He smiled broadly when he saw that they were both awake.)

Obi: Master! I missed you. Can I hug you?

Qui: No. But I missed you too.

Obi: Awww. Thanks, Master. That's almost as good as a hug. Mushy words. I love 'em.

Qui: What happened to Mace?

Bren: Yellow robe and butterfly net men?

Obi: No. He pawned me off on another master for the day.

Qui: Who?

Obi: Cyan Verrano.

Bren: Master Studdly?

Qui: Who?

Bren: From the Jedi Romance novels.

Qui: Oh.

Obi: Master, not you too!

Qui: I don't read them. I just uh…look at the pictures.

Obi: Heard that one before.

Bren: Shut up for a minute, Stretch. Obi-Wan, you worked with him today?

Obi: Yes. He kicked my butt in sparring and then he helped me do research for my Living Force project. Master, about this Living Force stuff. I know you have this thing about it, but I just can't get into it. When can I learn to throw bad guys into walls?

Qui: When you start listening to what I teach you.

Obi: I listen. I just don't maintain it.

Bren: Obi-Wan, back to Verrano. Does he look just like he does on the covers of those novels?

Obi: I have no idea. I don't read that crap. You think I want nightmares about that kinda thing? All the women the temple have thudded over him, and some of the men as well. Trolls too. And I think he caused several multi-ship accidents while he was standing on the balcony in nothing but his bathing suit. Does that answer your question?

Bren: Whew! Sure does. That man is a Sexy Beast!

Qui: Excuse me?

Bren: Sorry, Stretch, but he is. You may be a fine specimen, but he is perfection.

Obi: Master Bren, you're beginning to drool. I've seen enough drool today to fill a swimming pool. Don't need to see anymore.

Bren: Whoops. Sorry.

Obi: Archives Mari has been following him around all day. Yaddle too. And the council is busy worrying about the hair on their legs.

Qui: What?

Obi: It's been quite a day, Master. And it's not even dinner time.

Qui: Huh?

Obi: You shouldn't leave me in the care of Master Windu. The man's priorities are all messed up. Visiting the council alone can leave me with issues.

Qui: You already have issues.

Obi: And now I have more.

Bren: Hey, kid…back to Master Studdly. Can you introduce me?

Qui: Bren!

Bren: What? He's a hero of mine. Kinda. I'd like to meet him.

Qui: To drool on him like you're doing now?

Bren: Damn. Sorry again.

Obi: I thought you two were sick. That's why you're here. You don't sound sick.

Bren: Actually I feel like crap, but you've got my attention with Studdly, Obi-Wan.

Qui: Bren, please don't call my padawan studdly.

Bren: Not him. Obi-Wan, you're just pale and skinny. Although some may find that sexy.

Obi: Please don't say Obi-Wan and sexy in the same sentence. I prefer to hang onto my innocence for a while longer. That's difficult to do seeing what I saw today though.

(Suddenly a large Jedi came running into the room and quickly slid the door shut, locking it in the process. He was panting. Out of breath and looking frazzled.)

Cyan: Obi-Wan! You have got to help me! Those women are nuts. They won't leave me alone. I was standing on the balcony trying to get a little sun and they just attacked me. Before I knew it, there were a hundred women drooling and laying on top of me. I can't deal with this. I need protection. I need help. I need sanity.

Qui: Wrong boy if you're looking for sanity. Sorry. Next padawan please. Now, who are you and what are you doing in my hospital room?

Obi: Master! This is Master Cyan Verrano. I just told you about him. Don't you pay attention to me when I talk?

Qui: No.

Cyan: Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

Obi: Hmm…that sounds so familiar. But you should put cinny buns on your head when you say that. I'd love to help. What can I do?

Cyan: I just need a little sanity right now. Do you have some place you can hide me for a few hours?

Qui: Excuse me? You want sanity?

Cyan: Yes.

Qui: And you're asking Obi-Wan for it?

Cyan: Yes. Problem?

Qui: He is not in possession of any.

Obi: Ignore him, Master Cyan. Master Qui-Gon is ill. He's not in his right mind.

Cyan: Qui-Gon Jinn! It's nice to meet you. Obi-Wan told me about you.

Qui: He told you that I dance in my boxers doing my sexy dance, didn't he?

Cyan: Yes he did.

Obi: It's funny, Master. Just accept it and move on.

(Eventually they all noticed that Bren had not said a word. Obi-Wan glanced to her bed and saw the same look her eyes that he'd seen in Mari's, Yaddle's and all the rest of Cyan's followers.)

Obi: Master Bren? Hello? You're drooling again. You keep that up, you're gonna get dehydrated.

Bren: Huh? Oh. I'm not myself right now, it seems.

Cyan: Uh oh. Do I need to avoid her too?

Obi: Nah, she's cool. Just give her a few minutes to get control. Besides she and my master have a thing going. Adult mush and all that.

Qui: OBI-WAN!

Obi: It's true! I can't lie to him, Master. Don't worry, Master Cyan. You'll like Master Bren. She can kick some serious butt in sparring too.

Cyan: Really? I could use a good sparring partner. Not that I didn't enjoy our match, Obi-Wan.

Obi: My butt didn't. It hit the floor more times then when I tried to ride that baby bantha on desert world.

Bren: Spar? Me? Oh I…um…ah um…huh. Okay, I'm okay now. Really. Sorry. Whew. That was wow. Oh, it's nice to meet you Cyan. Do you have a lady friend?

Qui: BREN!

Bren: Sorry! I had to ask. Aren't you curious?

Qui: No. I have you. Or, I had you.

Bren: Ya still got me, Qui-Poo.

Obi: Awww, isn't that just the most sickening thing you've ever heard? Can we get back to the point?

Qui: What is the point?

Obi: Sanity.

Qui: You have none, remember? We've been through this. Pay attention, Padawan.

Cyan: You're an odd trio, aren't you?

Bren: You have no idea.

Cyan: So, Obi-Wan. Can you help me?

Obi: I can, but I can't hide you forever. And those women are not just going to forget about you tomorrow.

Cyan: True. But usually when this happens, things calm down after I've been in the temple for a few days. It's that initial shock that gets everyone.

Bren: You can say that again. I'm better now though.

Obi: Yeah, you've stopped drooling. Master, is it okay if Master Cyan hides in our apartment tonight?

Qui: Sure, why not. I'm not there anyway. Maybe you can offer him the sanity that he's after. (Qui-Gon was unable to hold back his laugh at the thought of Obi-Wan and sanity being mentioned in the same breath.)

Cyan: He's a good kid, Qui-Gon. A little mouthy at times, and a little odd, but I like him.

Qui: Trying living with him for a year.

Obi: Master Cyan, this is how my master shows me that he loves me.

Qui: It is not. This is how I show you that I think you're a nutty apprentice.

Obi: Awww, thanks, Master. I love you too. But the hug will have to wait.

Qui: What hug?

Obi: I need to get Master Cyan to safety. Bye, Master! Bye, Master Bren. Feel better soon.

(He grabbed Cyan's hand and dragged him to the door, took a quick peak into the hall and then they began sprinting for Obi-Wan's quarters. They had almost made it when a pair of giggling Jedi got their attention. Mari and Yaddle trying to hide by flattening their bodies against the wall.)

Obi: We can see you. I hope you realize that. Hiding in the open is not very effective. Trust me, I've tried it. You should try hiding in Master Qui-Gon's robe. Works much better.

Mari: We just wanted to see Master Studdly one more time before we revert to our normal boring selves.

Obi: Boring and cranky.

Cyan: Ladies, please. My name is Master Cyan Verrano. Not Master Studdly.

(Mari and Yaddle both slid down the wall, thudding onto the floor.)

Mari: Sorry.

Cyan: You need to get yourselves together. Act like Jedi. Don't you have significant others of your own that need your attention?

Obi: Oh, please don't go there.

Yaddle: Yoda, I have. The real Master Studdly, he is.

Obi: I told you not to go there.

Yaddle: Loves me, he does. Little trolls we wish to have.

Obi: This is bad. Very bad. Obi's gonna be sick soon.

Yaddle: Near him, I should be. A romantic date we have tonight. Ready to make little trolls, we are.

Obi: STOP! JUST STOP! PLEASE! Have a little couth! That's nasty. And just plain wrong.

(Yaddle took off wobbling down the hall, giggling the entire time. Mari then turned to the big master before her. And his mouthy side kick.)

Mari: I guess I should get back to Brazo.

Obi: You need to. He was carrying on earlier about you leaving him. He's turning into an emotional mess. And this time I had nothing to do with it.

Mari: My Brazzy Wazzy was crying?

Obi: Don't you start too. What has happened to this temple? No wonder the Sith are gonna take over the Republic. We have an eight-foot tall master who looks like Fabio and thuds every women within a one hundred yard radius. An angry archives tech that hates kids and has issues with adult mush. A council consisting of trolls, schnauzers and coneheads, who spend their days comparing hair gels and seeing whose legs are the shiniest. Why do people ask us for help? Are they that stupid or just that desperate? Go suck face with Master Brazo. Maybe by tomorrow this place will have returned to some form of normalcy.

(Mari ran off to find Brazo, leaving Obi-Wan and Cyan alone again.)

Cyan: It's a good thing we have Jedi like you, Obi-Wan. You are a breath of fresh air. I know your master doesn't think so, but you do tell it like it is. I think you and I are going to be great friends. Perhaps we can even spar again sometime.

Obi: Only if I can stand on my master's shoulders.

(They entered the apartment where Obi-Wan immediately flopped onto the couch.)

Obi: Whew. What a day. Master Cyan, are you really the guy on those adult mush novels?

Cyan: Yes. It was a weak moment. And they paid me well. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

Obi: You're just blessed with good looks, like I am. One day this pale legs of mine are gonna be something to see! Do you cook? Can you make dinner for me?

Cyan: You just jump from one subject to the next, don't you?

Obi: My mind likes to wander.

Cyan: Well, I can cook. And yes I will. What would you like?

Obi: The only thing Master Qui-Gon has in the cooling unit is bantha steaks. But he doesn't know how to cook them. They either come out of the oven still walking or looking like a piece of charcoal. We eat out a lot.

Cyan: I thought so. I will prepare you a bantha steak then. An edible one.

Obi: I love you.

Cyan: Yes, I know. You attach quickly.

(Dinner was made. Obi-Wan sat down to eat.)

Obi: It's beautiful! And edible. And smells good. And mmmmmmm….

Cyan: You're drooling.

Obi: Oh, sorry. There's a lot of that going around today, isn't there?

Cyan: Too much. How's it taste?

Obi: (trying to chew and talk without drooling) Mmmm… dif fuff is good. Ew fud e a ook. Ill ew aopt e?

Cyan: Thank you, and no I will not adopt you.

Obi: You…understood me? You really are perfect, aren't you?

Cyan: Not really. I have my faults.

Obi: Like what?

Cyan: Uh…well…

Obi: You only wish you had faults. You want some of mine? I've got a bunch.

Cyan: Oh, I know! I don't have a padawan.

Obi: That's not a fault. If you ask my master, he'd say that was a blessing. You want me? I'll be your padawan.

Cyan: No, Qui-Gon needs you. I know he doesn't act like he does. But he will, in time.

Obi: Are you sure?

Cyan: I am.

Obi: Okay. But if I end up promising him on his deathbed that I will train the boy who ends up being a sith and killing all the Jedi, I'm gonna come back to you with the blame.

Cyan: Fair enough. By the way, keep an eye out for that Palpatine guy. You know the one with the Don King hair?

Obi: Oh man, doesn't he just creep you OUT?

Cyan: He's beyond creepy.

Obi: And he wears black socks with his boxer shorts.

Cyan: And I don't even want to know how you know that.

Obi: It's okay. I ran into him one day at the shopping plaza. I was buying underwear and had to try on a pair of boxers. He was in the same dressing room. Freaked me out something fierce.

Cyan: Underwear? Do you just talk about any subject to anyone who happens to stray near you?

Obi: Sometimes. I'm a happy kid. I can't help it.

Cyan: I like your energy. I will admit that.

Obi: I'm a handful. Can you cook dinner for me again?

Cyan: Perhaps once your master and his friend are healthy again, I can invite them over to my apartment for dinner. And I'll let you set the menu. How's that sound?

Obi: I love you.

Cyan: Yes, I know.

Obi: Will you watch a Lima holo with me before I go to bed?

Cyan: Lima? Oh, Lima Wean, the actor? He's a good friend of mine.

Obi: What?

Cyan: He's a good friend of mine.

Obi: He's…you…he…friend…yours…me…he…huh…what?

Cyan: You're a fan, I see.

Obi: A fan. A slightly obsessed one. I love Lima. He thuds me.

Cyan: Yes, he does have that affect on people. Much as I do.

Obi: You don't thud me. Sorry.

Cyan: Would you like to meet him?

Obi: I met him once before. In the holo theater. He hugged me. I fainted.

Cyan: Would you like to have dinner with him?

Obi: Tonight?

Cyan: Ah, no. You already ate. But I can arrange dinner. I haven't seen him since I got back home. We usually hang out together often enough.

Obi: You do?

Cyan: Ever since we were young.

Obi: Huh? You knew him then?

Cyan: I grew up with him, until I was introduced to the Jedi. He's my cousin.

Obi: You…he…I…he…you…cousin…Lima…you… This is…I think I'm gonna faint.

Cyan: Easy there, kid. Yes, we're related. Didn't you notice the family resemblance?

Obi: You're both tall and make people thud?

Cyan: That's it. I'll tell you what, let me give him a call tomorrow, and I'll set up dinner at his place for the three of us and you can even ask Qui-Gon and Bren if they would like to attend.

Obi: You…you're serious? No. You're not related to Lima. No way. You can't be. This isn't true. It's all a bad dream. I'll wake up from it soon and find myself in hiding in some hovel in the desert talking to banthas.

Cyan: Okay, I'll call him right now.

Obi: You…call…um…Lima? Now? From here? My quarters? His voice will be on my comm? I can't…I…I'm…

Cyan: OBI-WAN! I'm not lying to you. Lima is my cousin. I know his private comm number.

Obi: You are the MAN, Master Cyan. I love you.

Cyan: Yes, you've told me several times.

Obi: Can you call him? Huh? Huh? Huh? Please? Please? Please? Can I talk to him? Can I? Can I? Can I?

Cyan: Easy there, Trigger. Calm. Relax. Good. If I let you talk to him, you can't get on the comm and start babbling like you are now. Okay? Be yourself.

Obi: That is myself.

Cyan: Then be your other self. The one that you were before I mentioned Lima.

Obi: Oh, that's very hard to do.

Cyan: Do it, or you can't speak with him.

Obi: Okay. Done. Wow, you're good. My master and I would have argued this for at least another forty minutes.

Cyan: That's why he has a difficult time with you. You both feed off of each other. He needs to learn to accept you for how you are and deal with you on that level.

Obi: Are you sure you don't want me to be your padawan?

Cyan: Quite sure. Now, let's call Lima.

Obi: Calm, Obi. Calm. Breathe. Don't hyperventilate. You've met him before. You can do this. Okay, I'm ready.

(Cyan pressed in Lima's private comm number and waited for a pick-up. He knew his cousin wasn't filming a new holo at the moment and should be around. There was a beep on the other end. A voice picked up.)

Lima: LW here.

Obi: LW…that's so cool!

Cyan: Hush, Obi-Wan.

Obi: Yes, sir.

Cyan: Lima! It's Cyan. How've you been?

Lima: Cyan! Long time, no hear. I'm great. You?

Cyan: Back from my extended mission. Being chased around the temple by women. Same ole, same ole.

Lima: Same here.

Cyan: How about dinner? I have a friend who'd like to meet you. Well, he's met you once in the holo theatre. But he's a big fan and he just found out that we were related. He's a Jedi Apprentice. High energy kinda kid.

Lima: Let me guess. Short. Ginger colored hair. Likes to talk. And hug?

Obi: He remembers me! (Obi-Wan slid off the couch.)

Cyan: Has trouble staying conscious when he meets you?

Lima: That's him. Kenobi, is it?

Obi: He remembers my name? (He fell over once more as he was attempting to get up.)

Cyan: He's a good kid. Just a little nutty.

Lima: I'd love to have dinner with you both. Next week?

Cyan: Well, he'll need to bring his master along and his master's friend. That okay?

Lima: I don't see why not. I trust your judgment.

(Obi-Wan finally picked himself off the floor and sat next to Cyan, whispering to him.)

Obi: Can I say hi to him, Master Cyan?

Cyan: Lima, he'd like to speak with you a moment.

Lima: Sure, put him on.

Obi: Lima? I mean, Mr. Lima? I mean, Mr. Liwean? I mean…um…Mr. Lwan? No, uh…

Lima: Just call me Lima.

Obi: Really? Okay, you can call me Obi-Wan. Um, when is your next holo coming out?

Lima: In a few weeks. It's called Kingdom of Trolls.

Obi: Wow. I like that.

Lima: And I have another after that called Trollman.

Obi: Why do all your movies have the word troll in the title?

Lima: I kill a lot of them in my movies. They are evil little creatures.

Obi: They are! And disgusting too. Did you know two of them live in the temple?

Lima: I was not aware of that. I'm sure they're not evil though.

Obi: The jury's still out on that one.

Lima: So, I'll see you next week then?

Obi: Yes. I'll be there. Thank you!

Lima: Thank you, Obi-Wan for being a fan.

Obi: I love you.

Lima: You attach quickly, don't you?

Obi: Yes. Sorry about that. It's a bad habit of mine.

Lima: That's okay, Obi-Wan. I'll see you for dinner. Can you put Cyan back on, please?

Obi: Bye, Lima. Here, Master Cyan. He would like to talk to you again. (He handed the mobile comm unit back to the older Jedi.)

Cyan: Is Thursday good, Lima?

Lima: At the five hour?

Cyan: Perfect. I'll see ya then.

Lima: Will do! Good night.

(The clicking sounded ended the conversation and got Obi-Wan's attention.)

Obi: I hate that click at the end. Makes me think of the desert, sith boys and my master hanging up on me. Creepy.

Cyan: Shall we watch a Lima holo, then?

Obi: Moulin Troll! My favorite!

(The pair settled in to watch the holo and when morning broke, Obi-Wan excused himself from breakfast with Master Cyan and ran as fast as he could to the hospital to see Qui-Gon and Bren.)

(Qui-Gon was not happy to be awaked by his hyperactive, screaming apprentice.)

Obi: MASTER QUI-GON! MASTER QUI-GON!

Qui: Obi-Wan, do you know what time it is?

Obi: Howdy Doody Time?

Qui: What?

Obi: Tool Time?

Qui: Huh?

Obi: Nothing. I have got the greatest news you'd ever want to hear.

Qui: I've got a new padawan?

Obi: No. Master! Anyway, I talked to Lima! on the comm last night.

Qui: Uh huh, that's nice. At least your dreams are happier now.

Obi: It wasn't a dream. I talked to him and we are going to his apartment next week for dinner.

Qui: Happy dreams. And far fetched too.

Obi: I'm serious. Master Cyan is Lima's cousin.

(Bren suddenly woke up and sprung upright in the bed.)

Bren: I knew it! I knew there was something familiar about that man. Dinner? At Lima's house? With Cyan? Whoa. Drool alert.

Qui: Obi-Wan, are you lying?

Obi: No, Master. Honest. I swear on my braid. Master Cyan is taking us to Lima's apartment next Thursday at five for dinner. Can I do my happy dance now?

Qui: Do you want to continue your Jedi training?

Obi: Yes.

Qui: And does the Jedi code permit happy dances?

Obi: No, but it doesn't allow leg waxing or hair gel either, but that doesn't stop the council.

Bren: He's got a point there, Stretch.

Qui: No dancing. How will you make it through an entire dinner with Lima without fainting or babbling like an idiot?

Bren: He won't.

Obi: I won't. Can we go, Master? Can we? Can we? Can we?

Qui: On one condition.

Obi: I know, I won't ask you for a hug.

Qui: No, that's not it.

Obi: Then what?

Qui: Don't mention anything about my boxers, my sexy master dance, or the nicknames that Bren gives me.

Obi: I think Lima and Cyan already know about all that stuff anyway, but okay. It's a deal.

Qui: And bring me some edible breakfast. I think Terran is trying to kill me with the food he's throwing at us.

Bren: Me too, kid! How about take out from Dex's place?

Obi: I can do that! Master Cyan is hanging out in our quarters, Master until he's sure the temple is sane again. I'll go get breakfast and then we can talk about Lima! Okay, Master?

Qui: Whatever you say, Padawan. Just behave yourself.

Obi: I've been very good while you've been in here. Sure, it's only been a day, but for me, that's a long time. Okay, I'll shut up now and get breakfast. Bye, Master! Bye, Master Bren!

(Obi-Wan ran out for breakfast. Qui-Gon and Bren both leaned back into their pillows.)

Bren: Better rest up for next Thursday, Qui-Gon. This is gonna be interesting.

Qui: What did I do to deserve this?

Bren: You got sick and left Obi-Wan with Mace.

Qui: How this went from leaving him with Mace to having dinner at Lima's house, I have no idea. This can only happen in Obi-Wan's strange little world. Remind me to never leave a council member in charge of anything.

END