The moral of this story, McCoy decides, is the final argument to support his opinion on portal technology.
When Jim had told him months ago that the planet was going to war, McCoy had been prepared for the worst. He had raged a bit, begged Jim not to- ...but if they didn't, they left hundreds of thousands of people to die at the hands of their tyrannical leaders. He'd been prepared, when he'd slumped in his chair after telling Jim not to get them all killed, to be washing the stains of blood and death off his hands for decades.
He had not been prepared to have his Medbay turned into a warzone.
The enemy wasn't at the central castle because it was the last stand for Prince Jim's planet. Strangely enough, they were actually winning. No, someone on the enemy's side had gotten the bright idea that cutting the head off the snake was a good war tactic and snuck half a dozen fucking ninjas into their country. McCoy knew the idea had some merit - killing Prince James, not the ninjas - since there had been quite a few scrapes that the planet might not have made it out of without Jim's ingenuity.
So they'd sent ninjas with no sense of direction. Or they could have had direction, and someone caught them before they made it where they were going. Whatever the reason, there were now five ninjas on one side of the room and castle security on the other, and phaser fire everywhere in between. McCoy was crouched behind an overturned biobed, and none of what's going on behind him matters because he's trying to keep the Crown Prince of the neighboring planet from bleeding out under his hands. And that is so much harder to explain than the war and the ninjas.
Crown Prince Khan Noonien Sing had had a friendly (and sometimes not so friendly) rivalry going with Jim since they had been two years old and both wanted to play with the same toy. McCoy uses 'toy' sarcastically, because he had been said toy. For better or for worse, Khan's planet had pledged to aid theirs in the war, and Khan made frequent visits to the kingdom to assist in the war effort. And okay, that didn't explain why he was in Medbay, but that's the complicated part. Khan refused to use any portal but the one that led directly to Medbay. Spock, Jim's most trusted advisor, privately thinks he might be planning something. McCoy knows he's just being a prick. He knows this because he knows the reason Khan uses that portal, and it has nothing to do with secretly taking over their planet.
He does it solely to harass the castle doctor. Almost every damn day. He doesn't even pretend to go see Jim anymore. And for whatever reason, no one asks why Khan makes such frequent visits to the king's physician, either.
"Doctor McCoy" he'll say as he steps through the device McCoy has affectionately dubbed 'the ring of fiery death', smooth voice breaking his concentration. Khan then passes him that day's excuse for coming, and proceeds to overstay his welcome.
"I hear the tides of war are turning in your favor" he says, too close for McCoy's comfort.
"It's war, Khan. It isn't in anyone's 'favor'" he snaps.
"This war will save more lives than are lost" Khan says, resting his hands on McCoy's shoulders, weighty but gentle.
"Don't talk about people like they're dollar bills" McCoy says as Khan's hands begin to knead the tense muscles in his shoulders. And it's been a long day, okay, so maybe he lets it go on for longer than may be socially acceptable. But every day is a long day during war.
Which brings him to the part where Khan is lying mostly dead in his arms.
It had been about time for his highness' usual visit when the firefight had broken out. A few of the shots had gone through the portal, where McCoy could only assume Khan had been getting changed from the day and, at the shots, charged through bare-chested to help. When Khan was halfway through, however, one of the shots had hit the oval ring that controlled the portal. It shattered even as McCoy yanked the prince through, and though all of him made it over, the shards had cut deep gashes into his neck and chest. McCoy had half-dragged him to cover, where they are now, and had been using only a few of the nearby tools and his bare hands to try to keep Khan alive. By now he's resorted to reaching in and manually holding Khan's jugular closed, the other man practically in his lap.
"Leonard" Khan manages, seeming to want to say more.
"Shhh!" McCoy insists "If you talk, you vibrate your neck and I might lose my grip. If I lose my grip, you die."
Khan stays quiet after that, but one of his hands comes to rest on McCoy's shoulder. It seems like an eternity later that McCoy hears the battle cry of the head castle guard.
"Sulu, finally, thank god" McCoy mutters.
The fighting comes to an end a few short minutes later.
"Doctor McCoy!" Sulu calls. "Doctor-"
"Over here!" McCoy yells back "I need a dermal regenerator, stat!"
Sulu appears around the side of the biobed, tool in hand, and stares in horror at who the patient is. He hands the regenerator over quickly and steps back. Khan is unconscious now, pale as a ghost as McCoy flicks it on and sets to work.
"Fuck!" He exclaims not a minute later.
"What is it?" Sulu asks.
"It's not working!" he flings the regenerator away "Fuck, fuck, fuck- get me- Jesus- get me the spray-on bandages from the top drawer in my desk. The plastic ones"
Sulu jumps to comply and McCoy again sets to work on the artery once he has what he needs. Someone turns the biobed back over while he works, and some of the nurses come rushing in.
"There, that should hold" he says, though he doesn't sound very optimistic.
"Damage report!" calls a voice he knows well.
"Prince James! Three security officers are wounded, but not seriously. Some cosmetic damage to sickbay, and..."
"Someone help me get him up!" McCoy calls and Jim's face mirrors the look Sulu had given him earlier.
"What-"
"He tried to save the day. They shot the portal while he was coming through" McCoy supplies.
"Bones, will he be alright?" the prince asks.
McCoy gives him a grim look "For now, everyone who isn't dying or a nurse get the hell out of my Medbay."
Five hours later, McCoy gets Khan stable enough to move and they (Khan's people, McCoy would never have said he could be moved if he had known why they asked) decide to take him back to his own planet. The wounds still won't close, as McCoy knew they wouldn't.
"It's the stuff inside the ring, Jim. It's toxic, it interferes with and prevents the body's healing process" McCoy finds himself explaining as they watch the neighboring prince be wheeled away.
"Is there anything we can do?" the prince asks quietly.
"I don't know" McCoy says. "I'm going to look into it now."
"How long can he last like that?"
"I literally put a band-aid on an arterial bleed, Jim."
Jim puts a fist to his mouth, and then nods gravely.
"Better hurry, then."
McCoy spends almost two days at his desk, combing through web files and old reports until he feels like he's read everything over twice, then keeps going. It's sometime around seven P.M. on the third day that he finally stumbles across something that might be even a little useful. He calls the prince, who answers quickly.
"Jim here, go."
"Jim, its McCoy. I found a report of a man recovering from getting cut by a piece of a portal ring. It's not detailed, but there must be something in that area that cured him"
"Where?"
"That's where the problems start, Jim. It's a rainforest on Trennia." Trennia, the planet they are currently at war with. He hears Jim curse on the other end of the line.
"Okay, I'll see what we can do. Any clues as to what we're searching for?"
"It's not in the report, but it would have to have some compound of carbon, hydrogen and oxygen with something we won't recognize mixed in." McCoy rubs his eyes as he rattles off the compound.
"Alright, good work Bones. I want you to take a day off, get some rest. We need you in good shape" Jim says.
"Right. McCoy out" he switches off the call and rests his forehead on his desk. Even if someone makes it to the designated forest, there's no guarantee they'll be in time. Hell, they probably won't even know what to look for; they won't know the subtle differences in the compounds and could very well come back with the wrong thing. McCoy runs in mental circles for a while before giving in: he's got a day off, damn it, and he can vacation where he wants to. He tears around Medbay for five minutes, gathering everything he could possibly need plus a few he never should, and finds himself standing in front of his new ring of fiery death with an expandable sword and pouch full of every medicine ever. He stares it down for a while before saying "Medical override. Trennia, co-ordinance 83,97,35" Before he goes through, he gives himself a few extra vaccines.
And so, distressed for the fate of the prince, McCoy sets out into the rainforest to find the cure.
"I am not distressed" McCoy says as he hacks through the undergrowth of the forest, tricorder in his free hand "I'm a doctor, and I'm doing what any good doctor would do. I took an oath to heal and damn it, that's what I'll do even if that means trudging through a space rainforest in a war zone for an irritating, egotistical, overbearing idiot of a prince."
A loud buzzing draws his eyes upward to see what appears to be a griffin-sized mosquito flying straight for him. McCoy raises his sword without much hope, but it flies past him like he's not even there. Probably because it looked gorged already. After giving it the appropriate horrified look, McCoy sets off again. Nothing he scans has the right compound, and he's becoming increasingly pessimistic when he spots a structure up ahead. Thinking it's close, he jogs forward to investigate.
It's not close.
It's just huge.
Once he finally reaches it, he's just about convinced himself to turn back and forget he ever considered this adventure. He swallows audibly as he stands beside the porch steps that are twice his height. Booming footsteps in the distance draw his attention away from the house, and he glues himself to the side of the stone steps and prays he won't be seen by whatever is coming his way. He doesn't have to wait long, as a mostly human figure soon emerges from the woods. Aside from being about sixty feet tall, the only things disproportionate from a human about the thing are its legs, which are stubby and give it the impression of having incredibly long arms, and its nose, which is a huge and bulbous thing. It's dressed a bit like a caveman. It thunders across the clearing and into the house without so much as glancing in McCoy's direction, much to his profound relief.
"Mildred!" it shouts a second later, making McCoy jump a foot in the air "I gots dinner!"
"Good! I'm starved!" says a slightly higher-pitched booming voice. "Throw it in the pot, the water's about to boil!"
There's a splash and the hiss of hot water from inside the house. McCoy has an awful picture of himself inside whatever giant pot they're using flash through his mind, and starts to slowly creep away.
"Put some 'o the lard in it!" says the first giant.
"Which kind!?" the second asks.
"I don't know Mildred! Th' kind ya splashed on that human fella a while back!?"
McCoy stops. But no, that could be anything. They could eat people all the time. He shivers at the thought.
"Be more specific!" 'Mildred' replies.
"The one with the cut on his leg!"
McCoy wants to cry. Really, really wants to cry. Because it had to be giants who possibly ate people, didn't it?
The giants keep talking about their dinner while McCoy comes to terms with his abysmal luck. Then something in his mind snaps and he decides that there's no guarantee that these giants won't just graciously give him a little of the stuff if he asks nicely (and he hasn't slept in three days, so it makes sense at the time). Before he can see reason, he makes the slightly difficult climb up to the door and knocks. Loudly. The giants quiet down for a moment before booming footsteps approach the door and it swings open.
"Hi" McCoy says.
The giant stares down at him. He clears his throat. "I uh, couldn't help but overhear you talking about that, um, lard. I have a sick frie-patient who I think it could help. Any chance I could...take a sample...?" And damn, he really hadn't thought this through. The giant starts to smile and hell if that's not horrifying.
"Sure, come on in! You can stay for dinner" the giant says.
That's what I'm afraid of, McCoy thinks.
Dinner is only slightly less awful than he expects. He's not on the menu, thank god, but some awful looking, unskinned, quadruped creature, is. They serve him some of it in a broken off spoon and absolutely insist he eat it. He scans it discreetly and finds it isn't poisonous, so he forces it down as best he can in the hopes of surviving - er, getting that 'lard'. Sure enough, there are trace amounts of something in the soup that might be just what he needs. After the nightmare that is dinner, the giants poor themselves drinks and share a look that McCoy can only say is menacing.
"What should we have for desert, dear?" asks the man-giant.
"Oh, I'm not sure, let me see what we have in the pantry" Mildred replies, and they both get up to go check.
"Could you bring the lard, too, if it isn't too much trouble?" McCoy calls after them.
"Of course, of course" Mildred calls back in a tone that says 'yeah, I'm not doing that'.
Increasingly concerned for his safety, McCoy takes a split second to consider his next course of action before he's clamoring onto the table and spiking their drinks. Of all the things to come in handy, he wasn't expecting the most powerful tranquilizers at his disposal to be it. While he's up, he's pretty sure he sees Mildred turning on the oven.
She comes back in with a jar of something grey just as he gets back into his seat, which consists of a chair and a footstool stacked precariously on top of each other. She picks up her drink and downs the whole thing in one gulp, to McCoy's very slight relief.
"Here's the lard, Doctor" she(?) says, setting it on the table "Come, have a look."
McCoy gets up slowly while the other giant comes back in, what looks suspiciously like a pie crust in one hand. He, too, gulps down his drink, then pours himself another. McCoy gets out his tricorder and scans the jar at the farthest possible distance.
"This is the lard you used in the soup" McCoy deadpans.
"Yep" the man-giant replies.
"It's not coming up that way on the scans" he says. Calm down, he tells himself in order to quell his rising panic, there could be a misunderstanding.
"Oh, maybe you're just not close enough" says Mildred "Let me help you with that."
"No really, that's okay; I'm fine over here-" McCoy yelps as she picks him up by the scruff of his shirt and pulls him closer. The giants laugh while he dangles over the jar.
"No, that's definitely not what I need" he tries "Thanks so much for your hospitality, but I've really go to go-" he's cut off when Mildred dunks him in the muck in the jar. He coughs when she pulls him out and shakes him a bit to get the excess grey stuff off. McCoy panics, tries to wriggle out of his shirt and internally curses portals, princes, and fucking people-eating giants. Then Mildred sways. McCoy slips out of her grasp as she stumbles off sideways and crashes to the ground, the man giant goes down sometime after that, but McCoy doesn't see it because he's too busy trying to swim his way out of the jar full of tar. Gasping, he manages to drag himself over the side a few minutes later and falls to the table with a splat. He groans and just lays there for a while, pretending he wasn't just almost baked into a pie and had stayed home and slept like Jim had told him to. All too soon he forces himself to his feet and peers over the side of the table at the unconscious giants. The man-giant is splayed out and snoring on the floor, while Mildred had landed in a chair and was half in the seat, sleeping like a baby. McCoy takes a moment to consider the only sane option at this point: getting the hell out of dodge. It's an attractive idea, just beaming out and going to bed after a copious amount of alcohol to make sure he mostly forgets the day he's had. But that option sees Khan dead by morning, since there's no way he'll live much longer on luck and prayers. And that can't happen. Brilliant, tough-as-nails Prince Khan cannot, will not, die; not on his watch. McCoy sighs miserably and looks toward the room they'd come from. Cursing life in general, he makes his way down the table and into the other room. Spotting the cupboard where the jar had come from isn't too difficult, but it takes him the better part of an hour to actually climb up to it. Once there, he climbs inside and scans everything as quickly as possible.
"Eureka!" he whispers when he finds a jar containing the right compound. A while of struggling later and he gets it open and scoops out six handfuls into the pouch he'd brought along. It's as he's climbing back down that he hears the giants stirring in the other room.
"Mmm...Mildred, wha'd ya put in the" yawn "soup?" McCoy wonders if he ought to have given himself something to prevent heart attacks. With the dose of tranquilizers he'd given them, the giants should have been out all day. McCoy pulls out the control for the portal and hits the button to make one to take him home. It gives him the busy signal. It's busy. He hits it a few more times frantically as hysteria sets in. Nothing. Forcing his breathing under control, he decides the next best thing to being off this planet is being out of this house. As quietly as humanly possible, McCoy starts making his way back over to the door.
"Was just" yawn "some beetles an'" snort "some Tarn mucus."
McCoy has no idea what a Tarn is, but the word 'mucus' has the soup in his stomach threatening to make a second appearance. He swallows and starts to edge along the wall towards the door outside.
"Couldn't a been th'" mumble mumble "human, could it?"
They both stop chatting to turn slitted eyes on the table. The empty table, where McCoy is very glad he isn't. The giants get to their feet as quickly as their drug-addled bodies will let them.
"Look! He left footprints!" Mildred says.
"They go into the kitchen!" the man-giant says, and they both bound off into the room he'd just come from. Thanking his lucky stars, McCoy bolts to the door and slips under it back outside. He's almost back to the forest before the front door flies open and the man-giant roars, fucking ROARS and comes barreling out after him. McCoy runs faster than he ever has or ever will again and makes it to the trees ahead of him. Frantically he hits the button for the portal again- still busy. He wants to scream but the giant will find him if he does, so he just keeps running. He ducks behind a tree when the giant catches up and digs into his satchel for anything he can use to fend the damn thing off. One quick inventory later has him mixing up what would be one of the most potent acids to a human, but will probably give the giant the equivalent of a bad sunburn.
"Oh Doctor" the giant calls, singsong "You should come out and 'ave desert wit' us. Mildred makes th' best pies in th' forest."
He's close. Really close. McCoy sends up a prayer and throws the acid on the giant's foot.
The Giant howls in pain and grabs its foot while McCoy bolts away as fast as he can. He keeps jamming the button as he tears through the forest, and just goes faster when he hears the giant's footsteps start up again. Finally, blessedly, he hears an approving 'ding' from his hand.
"Yes!" he cries, pointing it forward and creating a portal just as the giant crashes through the trees behind him. He leaps into it and slams the button to shut it the instant he's all the way through. From there, he takes a moment to thank himself (since god CLEARLY THINKS TORMENTING HIM IS FUN) that he's alive, and curse portals forever. Then he barrels past what he assumes are visiting medical professionals who take too long with portals and runs to his office, slamming on the call button for the prince's emergency line.
"This is Prince James."
"Jim! I've got something to cure Khan! I don't care how you do it but you have to get me over there to treat him, now!"
There's shocked silence on the other end, then "That's not going to be a problem, they've sort of opened the kingdom up to whoever thinks they can cure him. I'll patch you through the co-ordinance to his private chambers" Jim says quickly "McCoy, what did you-"
"There's no time, Jim, I'll tell you later!" McCoy insists, all but flying back out to the portal and finding himself in the sitting room of the neighboring prince's chambers.
"Out of my way!" he yells "Doctor coming through"
Jim must've been hella fast sending a message, McCoy later considers, as all of the people move out of his way immediately. Jim and Khan forever insist he just looked terrifying. He bursts into the room where Khan is laying in his bed, make-shift bio scanners in place, still bleeding from the unhealed wounds. McCoy feels his shakes altogether stop and his heart rate start to return to normal. He's back in his element. He knows what to do here. He can fix this.
"Someone get me a sterilizer for my hands" he yells, and is pleasantly surprised to have one a half a second later. He clears the drying grey goop off his hands, kneels down by the bed and sets to work. The compound works, and from there his medical knowledge sees Khan healed in less than two hours. He sits back on his heels and almost falls over with exhaustion.
"Done" he says tiredly "He'll be fine"
Sounds of relief drift up from the crowd he hadn't know they had, and Khan, stubborn, resilient bastard that he is, stirs. His eyes open and one of his hands comes up to touch his freshly healed neck.
"You are cured, sire. This man has saved you" says the man McCoy realizes had been acting as his nurse. Khan's eyes drift over to where McCoy is crouched.
"I thank you, on behalf of my kingdom and my subjects" Khan murmurs tiredly.
"Oh, hey, don't mention it. It's not like I almost got eaten saving your ass or anything. And it was entirely for your loyal subject's benefit" McCoy snaps.
Khan's eyes flash with recognition "Doctor McCoy" he says, something like shock in his voice.
"Who were you expecting!?" McCoy asks incredulously "Spock?!"
A few people make noises of surprise, and he thinks he hears a snort of laughter.
"You don't look... would you inform me of what has happened?" Khan asks.
And so McCoy gives an abridged and only very slightly exaggerated version of what happened on planet hell to the recovered prince, who props himself up on his elbows halfway through his tale and looks at him when he's finished with something McCoy almost thinks is respect. Or awe. Or possibly something his tired brain doesn't want to deal with.
"And then I bounded through the fiery ring of death AGAIN, which was for once NOT BUSY, and spent a few hours saving your life. I'll have you know I expect a god damn vacation after all this. And some Saurian brandy to spend it with."
"The war may affect your ability to vacation for an extended period of time-" Khan starts, but Prince James emerges from the sitting room to interrupt him.
"Actually, the war is pretty much over" he says, Spock at his side.
"Pardon?" Khan asks.
"See" and that's absolute glee in Jim's eyes if McCoy's ever seen it "You know that wall around their main country we couldn't get through? Well, apparently a really pissed off giant busted through it a few hours ago looking for his" Jim practically giggles "desert. We've got our forces storming the place, but the fight's gone out of them."
McCoy seriously wants to cry again. He blames the exhaustion. Khan with a sighs, but McCoy has the sneaking suspicion he's covering his own laughter.
"I see, wonderful news. There Leonard, with the war over and your new status as my fiancé, I think we can manage those requests rather easily."
"Well hallelujah- my status as what now?!"
Jim breaks down in a fit of laughter while Khan simply raises an eyebrow, smirking "You must know. Shortly after I was injured my father put out a bulletin. 'Whoever cures the prince shall have his hand in marriage'. A rather silly and old-fashioned promise, sure, but he was a bit desperate."
"What- I- I spent the last four days either with my head in a computer or being hunted by giants! I didn't know anything about marrying you!"
"Aw come on Bones, you're engaged! Be happy!" Jim says from the door.
"You knew about this!" he hisses at the other prince.
"Yep!" Jim says merrily.
"Leonard" Khan says, and McCoy turns his head back to find a hand cupping his cheek "I won't force you to marry me. I'll talk to my father soon and make him see reason. However-" Khan's eyes soften "Will you at least consider it?"
"Wha-..w...I.." he splutters, then "alright, fine" just falls out of his mouth unbidden.
Khan breathes out and smiles, really smiles in a way that isn't his usual unnerving I'm-going-to-make-you-my-slave-and-you'll-like-it smile, but something actually happy; and looks at him like he's the best news he's heard in this considerably landmark day.
McCoy takes a moment to wonder when Khan got himself so far under his skin. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair, muttering "Christ" under his breath.
McCoy blames exhaustion (again), adrenaline, and the high of an ended war for his next move. He leans over and plants a kiss dead on Khan's lips. Khan is still for approximately .6 seconds before he completely overpowers McCoy and takes control of it, his hand sliding up into McCoy's hair and tilting his head just so to deepen the kiss. Distantly McCoy hears someone (Jim) whoop excitedly.
Minutes or hours later McCoy pulls back and settles onto his heels again, blushing under the weight of many gazes on him at once - Khan's little smirking look specifically.
"Alright" he declares finally "Show's over, everyone out. The patient needs rest, doctor's orders."
Jim lets out an 'awwww', as do a few of Khan's men, if McCoy's hearing is still working right, and everyone begins to shuffle out.
"Leonard, I do have one question that your story didn't explain" Khan says, settling back.
"What?"
"Why have you disguised yourself as a surf?" Khan asks from the pillows.
"Surf?" McCoy glances down "This isn't a disguise. They dipped me in gravy!"