A/N: Okay, this is my first post-ep story. I kinda know where it's going, just not certain how to take it there. But we'll get there; we always do.
Because of You is by Kelly Clarkson.
Fire me! I don't care...
At the time, she had been so hurt and so angry with him, she'd failed to react. When Ross looked at her for some sort of clue, she'd had none to offer. Quietly, the captain said, "He had best get his act together, or I am not going to have a choice. Tell him that, Eames."
She watched the captain cross the room to his office and close the door. Tell him that. Right.
What made Ross think she was going to talk to him? Right now, she had
no intention of seeking out her difficult partner. Let him go ahead and
brood; he'd brought this on himself. She was tired. Resentfully, she
sat down to start on the paperwork they should have been doing
together. Damn it, Bobby.
She was finally sleeping, with the help of a powerful sedative. She hadn't stopped talking about getting the hell out of there before the damn doctors killed her. That's what they were trying to do, after all. They were all out to get her. And she hadn't let up on him for leaving her in their hands, either. She didn't want to hear that work took him away. She wanted him there, period. She was his mother and he had a duty to her. That was all that mattered. She wanted her son at her side. He was all she had.
He gently kissed her once she was well asleep, and he left, heading back toward Manhattan. She might yet have her way. He turned his phone on, and although he was disappointed, he wasn't surprised that there were no messages.
It had been a horrible day. Worse than horrible. Eames had never challenged him in an interrogation before. Always they had worked together. Even when they played good cop, bad cop, they were together. But now there was a rift between them, one he felt responsible for. And he had no idea how to fix it.
He couldn't bear to go home. So he drove down to Battery Park and walked along the harbor path. He stopped to look out across the black water, and he thought about his mother.
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
He always played it safe in his life, never letting himself fully enter into a relationship with another person. He was always on the outside, looking in. He never felt a part of it, never gave himself over to it. There had been so much pain in his life, pain that continued to tear at his soul, that he was unwilling to ever open himself to more. He had been old enough to know what was going on when his father left. He remembered listening to his mother cry at night, going to her and comforting her. Sometimes, she would let him hold her until she went to sleep. Sometimes, though, she would turn on him, blaming him for driving Dad away. After all, it couldn't have been her. She was a good wife. It was the demons in their son that he couldn't take. Those nights were always bad.
But he survived. In some ways he was stronger for it. In some ways he was weaker.
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
He had spent his childhood living on the edge of uncertainty, and he had never been able to fully eradicate that from his adult existence. In and out of her delusions, she turned to him for stability. He was seven...and then ten...and fourteen...and it never got any better, never any easier. After Dad left it only got worse. She never went to Frank, never leaned on him. No, it was always Bobby. And now, it was still only him. Now, as a man, he felt no better able to handle her demands than he had when he was seven.
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
Over the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
But she was leaving him now, for good. And when she was gone, what would he have? Nothing. Not a damn thing. He closed his eyes, letting the breeze from the water wash over him. And what did he see in his mind? His partner's face. Back off. She had been trying for a long time to get him to let her in, just a little, but he refused. She was his mother, his responsibility, his burden. It was not something he was ready or willing to share. Not with her, not with anyone.
He was on the edge, he could feel it. In front of him spread a chasm deeper, wider and darker than the river that stretched before him into the night. For the past six years, Eames had kept him back from this precipice. When he felt himself slipping, she had always been there to grab him and pull him back. He was slipping again, only this time, she wasn't there to pull him back. This time, she was going to let him fall. He didn't know if he could take this any more. He didn't know if he even wanted to.