He didn't know when he noticed that he was always here at this time. He didn't know what had driven him there, nor how long he had been choosing to meet him there, only that he continued to do so everyday. It was a compulsion. Some enchantment that urged him awake and pushed him out of bed everyday.
He wasn't expected to be there. No one would notice if he didn't show up. No one would care and nothing would change. That was the thought that continued to haunt him.
Nothing would change.
He wouldn't be missed.
Things would just go on as they were. Cycling, circling, endlessly. Eternal.
He bathed and dressed in slow silence. It was too early for light to have spread in the sky. He didn't sleep much these days. He woke often in the night or else tossed and turned from unpleasant dreams. It was silent as he made his way to the Bifrost, ominously so. He should have noticed that the first time. There were so many signs that things weren't right. That they hadn't been right. He should have noticed, but he never did.
Loki was there when he arrived, as Fandral expected. As he was everyday, now. As he had he had been everyday.
"What are you doing?" Fandral asked. Not because he didn't know, but because Loki wasn't aware that he knew.
Loki jumped, pulling Gugnir close to his chest and clutching it like a shield. He loosened his grip when he realized that it was Fandral. Only Fandral. The action had comforted Fandral the first few times he remembered meeting Loki here, reassured him of their friendship and the trust Loki placed in him, until he noticed what followed.
Loki straightened subtly as he lowered Gugnir back into an upright position at his side. His eyes returned to where they had been when Fandral arrived, gazing over the edge of the bridge, but he wasn't relaxed. The deception was small, a nearly imperceptible mask between them. Fandral couldn't imagine how many times it had happened before he had noticed. Too many, he was sure.
"I'm just... looking," Loki answered. He paused, debating what to say next. A truth or a lie? Fandral knew what both answers were through trial and error. It was amazing how easy it was to scare Loki into a lie. How had he never noticed how... fragile Loki could be?
"I'm... trying to see Thor," Loki admitted hesitantly. "He's... alone down there. He has no idea what's going on up here. He has no idea how much I..." Loki cut himself off quickly and tried to change his word choice mid sentence. "How much has changed."
"You worried about it?" Fandral questioned.
Loki's face didn't display any worry, but Fandral knew better than that now. Looking at Loki, all he could see was that brief image of Loki clutching Gugnir. That brief glimpse of fear and uncertainly that Loki tried so hard to hide. Fandral knew that Loki would hate it if he knew how Fandral saw him right now. This was likely what he wanted to avoid by hiding his feelings in the first place, but Fandral couldn't help it.
"I... hope he is safe."
Fandral couldn't help but stare at Loki when he was turned away. Loki was a guarded person. He would never say what was most on his mind. He wouldn't mention Frost Giants or war or the deep void of space that yawned beneath them. Fandral had never before given much thought to the deadly space that they had hovered in for all of his life. It was always there and so it was easy to ignore. Easy to take for granted... like Loki.
Despite everything, Fandral had never thought about it until the day Loki chose to jump.
"What are you doing here?" Loki asked him, looking at him with well concealed suspicion. It was phrased as a friendly inquiry and Fandral had mistaken it as such many times. It wasn't until he had let his guard down too far, given one too many hints about his situation, that he realized Loki was suspicious of his out of character behavior. Not until Loki had blasted him with Gugnir and had him thrown into the dungeons on suspicions Fandral still didn't understand. Not that Loki would remember that. Not that anyone but Frandal could.
Fandral chose the answer he least wanted to give. The answer that would end his time with Loki and ally his friends suspicions. "I couldn't really sleep. I thought I'd go for a walk... try to be alone."
Loki took the line and ran with it. "Ah, I'm disturbing you. I'll leave you to your walk."
Loki was quick to turn on his heels and depart. The guard would meet him at the end of the path, Fandral knew, escort him back to the thrown. He had nearly mapped out all the possibilities by now, he was sure. He knew almost everything there was to know about this moment, except the most important parts. Loki he still couldn't pick apart.
Fandral stood still as he watched his friend leave, remorseful but not willing to put in the work it took to have Loki stay and relax his suspicions at the same time.
Fandral watched Loki walk away with silent desperation. There was nothing he could say to stop Loki, not really. Nothing he could say to fix this. At least, nothing that he had tried thus far seemed to work.
Before the end of the day, in one of a million ways, Fandral had learned, Loki would end up over the end of the Bifrost. Whether he fell, or let go, whether he jumped or was pushed, it always ended the same. Loki would be lost. Was already lost, in a way. And tomorrow would be the same day. Yield the same results.
And despite Fandral's desire to change something, he would do the same thing.
Wake up, go to the Bifrost, say goodbye like it was your last chance, and regret that nothing you did would ever be enough.