Title: Without love
Disclaimer: Not mine. Neither show nor song ( lyrics are from "Trouble" by Coldplay)
Summary: Rory contemplates and questions her life with Dean. Companion to It used to be better than this.
Author's note: song lyrics are in Italics. I know song lyrics in fanfic are a dime a dozen, but I just can't help my self.
AN2: This fic was originally inspired by 'Better Man' by Pearl Jam. I guess this can be termed au, but when I wrote the earlier story it could have happened. Feedback is appreciated.
Pairings: Dean/Rory, slight Rory/Other and Dean/Other
/oh
no, I see
a spiderweb is tangled up with me/
Rory always meant to say something. The minute she found out they had created a child, she decided not to tie him down. She was going to be like her mother, and not let a man influence her decisions. She was strong, this was the age of feminism. She could handle anything.
Then he told her he would take care of her, and her resolutions melted. She pretended she didn't see his doubt. She pretended he wanted to be with her. The fact was, no matter how many times she said she was fine raising a baby by herself, she wasn't. She was scared. She didn't think she could be a single mother. She forced herself to only hear what he said and not see how he felt.
Things just started falling into place, and Rory forgot she could be independent. Lindsay left him, and Dean moved in. It wasn't a conscious decision. Just one day he brought over a change of clothes, and the next day he brought another. She never said anything. The guest room was cramped, and school was so hectic. Dean came to her in the night, and she let him. He wasn't the same, and she didn't care.
When the baby was born she meant to let him go. She saw how unhappy he was. She saw how he avoided the baby and came home late every night. There were so many people in her corner. So many times she would almost leave but then something would happen. The baby got cholic. She couldn't get her to stop crying and only when Dean would hold her did she quiet. It was too hard. Everything seemed wrong, but she wasn't strong enough to do it alone. She let him stay when she knew he didn't want to be there. He didn't love her.
Everyday she woke up, and cried in the shower. She would gain strength and courage. She would resolve to be independent and raise her child on her own. Everyday she wrapped a towel around her head and all courage deserted her. She made him breakfast and watched him go to work. She broke a little every day.
The baby grew into a toddler, and she found out another baby was on the way. She knew this was it. That night she waited up for him. Waited while he took as long as possible to come to bed. She waited as he started turning out the lights and locking the door. She waited until all her strength seeped from her pores, and left her empty. Then he opened the door, and she quickly shut her eyes and pretended to be asleep. He got undressed and slipped under the covers. He just rolled over when she began to quietly cry.
/so
I twist and turn
but here am I in my little bubble/
Lorelai is happy. With a husband that loves her, and beautiful
children. Rory hates that she feels like she is in a competition with
her mother. She tells her mother stories about how perfect Dean is.
Lorelai doesn't question her too closely. Every time she does, Rory
backs away. Until one day Lorelai hardly recognizes her daughter
anymore.
Dean comes home every night, and he never yells. Some would think Rory's life was perfect. Rory's too caught up in her routine to tell them differently. Time goes along like a river, sometimes fast sometimes lazy. One day Rory looks up and she's not a girl anymore. She's all grown up. So is Dean.
Everyday she looks in the mirror and sees more lines around her mouth, and the once sparkling light in her eyes deaden a little more. Every time Lorelai calls and she hears her ring clink against the phone, her heart cracks. Until one day it doesn't matter. The little she has left of herself she guards tightly with iron walls. Even her children aren't allowed in. It's safer. Now she can breathe.
She's free to live her lie. She's not unhappy.
They get a letter in the mail. Lindsay wants a divorce. She's in love and wants to marry someone else. He signs the papers without a thought. He doesn't think to ask Rory to marry him. It doesn't occur to Rory that he would. It's everyone else who are surprised. They get married. It's expected.
Lorelai finally gets her to talk. It's been years since they could share a conversation about Rory's love life without Rory stomping away. Rory remembers her dreams of become a world famous journalist. Now her Yale degree is gathering dust in her dresser. Her mother holds her while she cries. It's all she's good at now.
/ah,
well if I ever caused you trouble
oh no I never meant to do you
harm /
Her children grew up. They go their separate ways. Rory decides to snatch back her dreams. She tells Dean. Hejust nods, and turns the channel. She watches him stare into the television screen. He doesn't notice. So she turns and leaves.
She's too tired to fight and she's too scared to let him go. It's too late. She doesn't know how to live alone. He just turns away she tries to talk. She pretends he isn't her husband, but a cement wall.
She starts a job. There isn't a ripple in their ocean of a relationship. She wishes for more. Walls don't talk, though, and neither does Dean.
Then one day there was something different. A random accident. A chance coincidence. Her salvation.
He doesn't notice a difference in their routine. She still makes him breakfast and cries in the shower. He still fakes making love to her once a week. Every morning after Dean leaves for work she unlocks the door, and someone else fills her. She lets herself weaken in his embrace. She thinks maybe this is her release, and hopes that now she can be happy.
She underestimated his want. He wants more than just their stolen hours. She's not ready. She doesn't know if she ever will be. She begs him to see. He just looks on in confusion. He gives an ultimatum. She cries as he leaves. Dean comes home late and brings her flowers. She unpacks the bags she would have taken with her.
She finds red on her husband's collar. She can't find the heart to care. Late that night when her husband is gone and her lover miles away, she curses herself for not letting her suburban dream die. She's pregnant again. She doesn't even know who tell. She picks up the phone to call Him, but never gets past the first number. She picks up the phone once more and dials a different number. Her job will be waiting in six months they assure her. Coward, she whispers to herself.
The baby has blonde hair and dark eyes. It could be Dean's. Neither of them think so. No one says a word.She dreams love comes back and takes her away from this nightmare. If only she could find the will to do it herself.
/so
I turned to run
and thought of all the stupid things I'd done/
She leaves a note on the kitchen table. Things she once considered cliche are now reality. Hr little boy cries when she puts him in his car seat. He cries when she drives to her mother's house. He bawls as he is handed to Lorelai. He weeps as his mother's tail lights disappear. Rory closes her heart.
She is gone for two months. She knocks on her mother's door, and collects her child. She ignores her mother's censuring look. Her baby asks all sorts of questions and she doesn't know how to answer. She goes to the house and unlocks the door. She puts him to bed and sits at the table to wait.
When he comes home from work the house is lit up and she is smoking in the kitchen. He awkwardly hugs her. Tells her he missed her, missed their son.. Rory just smiles, and unpacks her bags.
She lays on their bed and listens to him talk to his mistress in the other room. She was full of herself to believe that she was holding him. He asked to stay and she never pushed him away. She spent two months thinking and pondering. She discovered something. He wasn't being tied to a life, she was. Her life, her job, her children, her husband suffocated her. Maybe Dean felt the same. It was too late to ask. It was too late for a lot of things.
He comes into the room and lays next to her. They make love. She feel the change. He sleeps, and she looks out their window. His heavy arm comes to rest on her chest and she can't breathe for a moment. It's a reminder. Her life is hers. His life is his.
She curls into his arm, and changes their routine. She doesn't cry. She sleeps, and dreams. Tomorrow had come, and now she knew. She let him go a long time ago. His body stayed and she hadn't owned his heart in years.
The next morning she waits to take her shower and lets him toast his own poptarts. It's time.
"Dean, I thinks it's time we talked."
/they
spun a web for me
they spun a web for me
they spun a web for
me/
The End