Title: Downtime
Author: Karine
Email: A fictlet about Buffy's depression and Spike's feelings towards her.
Rating: PG-13 (some sexual content)
Spoiler: Up to season 5.
Takes place: During the beginning of season 6 (after Bargaining), not any specific episode
Spike was slowly sliding his hand on the side of Buffy's cheek. Bringing her head towards his, he bent down and captured her lips between his. He felt her arms curled around his neck as she deepened the kiss, making him moan with delight. His whole body was on fire as he took a hold of her waist and brought her even closer, his right hand sliding into her hair, pressing her face to his. His left hand moved down her hips and caressed her bottom, then went up her back following her spine. Buffy pressed her body against his, her own hand playing with his hair, making him beg for more. His hand flew from her back to her stomach, caressing the sweet skin there and moved up to cup a swelling heavy breast. Buffy broke from the kiss and looked him in the eyes, panting, her eyes filled with passion and heat.
- Spike?
BOUM!
Spike awoke, startled and half sat on his sarcophagus.
- What the-
He stopped dead in his track of mind when he saw Buffy, the real one, standing a few foot from his bed. He realised the banging sound was the one of his crypt door closing and that he had actually heard her calling him through his sleep.
- Buffy!
Her eyes travelled down from his face to his torso, naked, as the sheet had glide to his waist.
- I'm sorry to…interrupt, she said noticing his obvious hard-on.
Spike tried to hide his erection without any success, struggling with the sheet. Buffy turned around without another word, giving Spike some intimacy to dress up. As he did very quickly. Pulling his jeans up, he spoke:
- I'm sorry; I didn't know you were there.
He passed a shirt over his head and went to face her. She was very still, no expression on her face, looking completely lost.
- What were you dreaming about?
- Hum…he said, speechless
- Was it about me? She asked without hesitation.
Spike was startled for a moment.
- Yes, he answered simply.
- Do you…often…dream about me?
- All the time, he answered truthfully.
As much as Spike had no problem with this kind of conversation, it was still a bit awkward.
- I still dream about Angel sometimes, she said, out of the blue
Spike's jaw clenched.
- Or Riley. I dream about them coming back and telling me they were stupid and should have never left me. And they kiss me and for a moment, everything's wonderful.
Spike just stood there, his body tense, not knowing what he was suppose to say or do.
- But I mostly dream of waking up in a coffin these days..
Spike sighed and took a step toward her
- I know. It'll pass. I had those and one day, they were just…gone.
- It's like death. One day the person's there, and then she's just gone.
- Yeah…he replied, his eyes darkening.
Buffy noticed his sudden change of mood.
- I'm sorry, she said, not sounding genuine, I was talking about my mom not…
- I know.
There was a moment of comfortable silence between them. Buffy then moved to the couch and sat at one end. Spike hesitated and finally went to sit on the other end.
- How is it, to love someone? To really love someone? I can't remember…she said looking up at him
He lowered his eyes and sighed. He then brought them back up and locked them with hers.
- It's like a fire that never dies. It's always there. Sometimes it feels more then other, but it's always still there. Like a ghost. It leads everything. All of your thoughts and actions…
- Most be nice
- Yeah…he replied, not sounding very sure
- Do you hate loving me? She asked not even looking at him
- Sometimes.
- Do you wish I would love you?
Spike sighed and got up.
- Buffy? What is this all about? He asked a bit annoyed
- I just…I just wanted to talk…
- Well, go talk with your scooby friends.
- I can't. They won't talk to me. They just look at me like I'm going to scream at them at any moment. It's like they are waiting for something to happen, anything, but nothing ever happen, and they worry.
- But you can't just come in here and-
- You said I could come and see you when I wanted, replied Buffy, whining.
He sighed once again
- I know. It's just…You never wanted to talk about this before.
- Well, I want to talk about it now. It should make you happy.
He looked at her, and realised she had a point. Sitting down, he heard her say:
- You didn't answer my question.
- About if I wanted you to love me? I think that's a given Buffy.
- No. Nothing's a given. Things need answer.
She looked so…so tired. Her face was blank; her eyes were full of a sadness that seemed to come from so deep that it was impossible to see the end of it.
- Yes, he answered firmly, yes, I sometimes wish you would love me back. But I know it's impossible so…
- Nothing's impossible.
On that, he turned his head toward her, head titled, eyebrows slightly frown, hope glistening in his eyes.
- Don't say things like that.
- Well, it's true. Nothing's impossible. Here, I thought not feeling anything was impossible. And here I am. Empty of feelings. I can't feel.
- Yes you can. You can love your sister and your friends and you're depressed, that's a feeling.
- Not a good one
- No, but still a feeling.
- She looked at him and then scooted herself closer to him, looking him in the eyes, whispering:
- Could you show me how you do it, feel so much?
He took a sharp breath, taken aback by her sudden closeness.
- I don't…
She leaned up and pressed her lips against his. It was nothing spectacular, the kiss only lasting about half a second, but it was enough for Spike to feel his body lift from the ground. By the time he had realise what she was doing, she was already pulling back.
- Why did you-
- I didn't feel anything. Did you?
He frowned, his mouth curling in anger and stood up.
- I'm not your damn guinea pig! You can't come in here and use me to feel!
- Why not?
He took her by the shoulder and made her stood, his eyes icy and hard.
- Because when you kiss me I feel like I'm dying all over again.
Buffy just looked directly at him and suddenly seemed to realised what she had done.
- I'm…I'm sorry…
Spike immediately regretted his actions
- I'll just go…
Buffy quickly walked to the door and Spike grabbed her by the arm
- No, don't go. I'm sorry…I overreacted
- No, you were right…I just…I need some air…
And on that note, she left the crypt, leaving a confused Spike behind her.