He had given up the controls and let the TARDIS drift leisurely through the Constellation of the Crystal Pathway. He'd been leaning against the jamb of the open doors for hours: hands in pockets, gaze unfixed, feeling small. To a lonely man, the universe is vast indeed.
He'd just about made his mind up, and felt the weight of his decision press solemnly against him. Yes, there was guilt, and some fear, but also the inevitability. The consequences? He couldn't honestly say. Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. What sort of wound? On how many people and places? Just him? Just the three? Or would everything collapse? And the possibilities. That last day, the touch. Could it really be that…?
Well, he was The Doctor. He was used to it.
His entire body tensed at the sudden alonelessness. He opened his eyes and felt himself in his bed, in his room, in the dark. He turned and saw Rose, lying next to him, fast asleep. He rolled onto his side, and waited. It's coming, he thought. There's nothing to do about it now.
A few minutes later, he arose, pulled on sweatpants and a t-shirt (how funny that he felt that he shouldn't be undressed in the presence of the Doctor), and went to the living room sofa to wait. Before long, he heard the front door unlatch and saw his own, suited silhouette walk toward him.
"Doctor," he said by way of greeting.
"Doctor," the other replied.
"John," he corrected. "John Smith," he said with a smirk.
"Oh, right. Of course." Well obviously if he were going to set up residence in one planet, he would need to give himself a name. Well, on this planet, at any rate.
"No interdimensional crises, I trust?"
"No," the Doctor said with a smile.
"Good, good. Cuppa tea then?"
"That'd be lovely, thanks."
"Come on, then." John led the way to the kitchen, turned on the light, and put the kettle on. Then he leaned against the sink and waited for the Doctor, who lagged behind to peer around the flat.
"So," said the Doctor as he entered the kitchen. "How's it been?"
"Yeah, it's been good," John replied. "Odd. I still feel a bit like I'm just undercover. But it's getting to feel more permanent. I got a job."
"Oh, yeah? UNIT?"
"No, at least, not really." John rifled through the cabinets as he spoke, and pulled out two teacups and placed a teabag in each. "Rose works there, I help out on a… freelance basis." The Doctor chuckled. "But that's not my full time job. For my full time job I work in a shop!"
"What! That's brilliant, I love a shop!"
"I know! Hamleys Helper, it's lovely. Bit stressful, but then I've been to the edge of the universe, so could be worse." John turned off the burner right before the kettle started to boil so as not to wake Rose. He filled the teacups and brought them over to the kitchen table. He handed one to the Doctor and they both sat down.
"Yeah, you say that now," said the Doctor, blowing on the hot tea, "but you haven't gone through the Christmas season yet. Or have you? How long has it been exactly?" Without taking his eyes off of John, the Doctor took a sip of his tea. Instantly, John stiffened and met the Doctor's stare with a look of knowing incredulity.
"It's been—it's been, uh, four months…" the stunned John stammered distractedly.
The Doctor couldn't wait a second longer, he had to know. "You—?"
"—yes."
With a sigh, the Doctor bowed his head. "I knew it," he whispered. "I knew I felt it, I-I knew it."
"Yeah," John replied softly. "I felt it too. I've wondered…" After a moment, John lifted his teacup to his mouth. He sipped.
The Doctor jumped out of his seat and staggered back several steps. His eyes were wild; they grew swollen and red as tears threatened. His expression was that of fear, of pain, of need, and carnal desire. Yes, it was as he'd hoped! As he'd feared! It was the reason he broke through the unhealed fracture in the wall of the universe, the wound he himself had sealed for the safety of all worlds. This is what he'd risked, and it was real! "I knew it! I tasted it!" he choked out.
John's expression was that of relief, of resignation. The question was answered. It was confirmed. It was inevitable. "That last day… in the TARDIS, when you bumped into me…"
"You felt it! You felt what I felt! And I felt you feel it!"
John nodded. "I can feel what you feel. I can taste what you taste. I can sense all of your senses. And you can sense mine. We're connected." He rose and made his way toward the Doctor. He extended his hand. The Doctor eyed it warily, and then, tentatively, took it in his own. The feeling of touch upon touch overwhelmed both men. Each felt the other, and felt the other feel the other, layer upon layer of sensation. They stroked and massaged each other's hands, feeling and feeling, and feeling them feeling. John raised his hand to the Doctor's face. As the Doctor leaned into his touch, he simultaneously felt John's hand cup his face, and the soft scratch of his stubble on John's palm. This was new, it was foreign, it was change. He sighed, and both men moaned as the hot blast of air struck John's hand.
"You knew why I came," said the Doctor.
"I wondered if you would," John said soberly. They broke from each other and John's gaze penetrated as he said, "if this were to happen, there will be consequences." The Doctor nodded. "For Rose, for you."
"And you?"
"I'll manage. Either way, I'll be here. But you, you'll have to go back with the memory. And Rose… well, she's still recovering from the last goodbye. You found a fracture in the wall of reality, you saw it seal itself up, you left it to heal, and then you exploited its vulnerability to break right back through it. How much longer will it take to strengthen now? How much deeper will the scar be? We can't do that to Rose as well."
"Of course not!" the Doctor spat out. "You know I would never do that. You talk as though she won't have a say in it!"
"Won't have a say in what?" Rose interrupted from the kitchen doorway, to the astonishment of the two men. The Doctor bolted upright; his alarmed expression slowly widened into a warm, though guarded, grin. John instantly hurried over to her and took her gently by the elbow. The Doctor flinched at the touch. Grogginess dulled her emotion, and she hardly knew what to make of the sight before her.
"Rose," John said tenderly, and pressed his lips to her hair. The Doctor, unnoticed by Rose, inhaled deeply. She acknowledged John's gesture by leaning into his body and smiling up at him, but then her gaze returned to the Doctor. As she awoke more fully, her emotions emerged from the haze of sleep—confusion, anger, frustration, delight, wonder. She ran to him and threw her arms around him.
"Doctor!" she exclaimed, laughing. "How many times will we be parted forever?!" He and John both chuckled despite themselves. "It's so wonderful to see you! How did you manage to get here? How long will you be staying?"
"Well, that's all a bit complicated actually," the Doctor replied.
"Yeah, I'm sure it is," she quipped.
"So, before I get into that, can I ask—how long were you standing there?"
The smile left Rose's face, but there was a hint of amusement in her tone as she replied, "Long enough for it to be weird." She looked squarely at them as they exchanged awkward glances. "Like, really freaky, so one or both of you is going to have to explain to me what is going on."
John approached the kitchen table and said, "Why don't we all have a little chat? Tea, darling?"
"No, I'm good thanks," she responded, and the three of them sat around the table. "So. How about if we start at the beginning and then you tell me what I do or don't have a say in?"
The Doctor leaned forward, his arms resting on the table. "Well, to start, you know that Time Lords have a certain telepathic predisposition. It's how we feel each other."
"Right, of course," said Rose. "But John doesn't have that. That didn't get passed on to you during the biological meta-crisis, right?"
"Right…well, technically anyway. I can't enter your mind or let you enter mine. I have no ability to interact telepathically with anyone… except him." He nodded toward the Doctor without looking away from Rose. "Sort of."
"Look, imagine a tree," began the Doctor animatedly. "Imagine you have a eucalyptus tree and you want to grow another eucalyptus tree. So you find a seed from the tree, plant it, and it grows into another eucalyptus tree. That's like you, right? You started off as a little seed."
"Right!" John took over. "Now let's say you want to grow a third tree, but this time, you cut a whole branch off of the first tree and plant the branch. Well, that's me, I'm the branch."
"Exactly!" inserted the Doctor eagerly. "He—John—never started out as a seed. He was born from a fully formed branch of myself!"
"So, you see?"
Rose raised a skeptical eyebrow at the two identical faces, staring at her expectantly. They both looked a little crestfallen at her lack of enthusiasm.
"Well, I thought it was a brilliant metaphor," the John remarked consolingly to the Doctor.
"Thank you! I did too!" he replied, vindicated.
"You see," the Doctor said, returning his attention to Rose. "John and I, we're the same—the Time Lord half, anyway. Literally, the same. John grew into his own person, but I'm still there, that branch is still there, fully formed. We're not related. We're connected."
"So that's why," John continued, "I can still feel him."
"Okay, okay, I get that," said Rose, shaking her head. "But that still doesn't explain what you're doing here…. or what I just saw."
"On that day…." The Doctor grew contemplative. "That mad day. Everything happened so fast. But when we were all together in the TARDIS, the two of us… touched."
"Touched like…?" Rose fished.
"No, no!" cried John. "We just touched, by accident. But when that happened…"
"…I," continued the Doctor, "turns out, we, got the sensation that we could feel what the other felt."
"It was like we were inside the other's body, felt it as though it were happening to us. Imagine that feeling, Rose. At the same time I felt him brush up against me, I felt him feel me as he brushed up against me. And I felt him feel that I felt him, and he felt me feel that I felt him feel that I felt him. And so forth. It's not doubling the sensation, it's exponentiating it."
"The thing is," the Doctor said. "It happened so quickly that it was hard to tell if it really happened. And we certainly didn't have the time to find out. But I've been wondering ever since, and the need to know has grown and grown until I had to come back to see if it were real."
"But," Rose pointed out. "When you left, you said that the walls of reality were sealing themselves up forever. You said we'd never see each other again, you made me think that once the walls sealed them up, you couldn't come back through."
"That will be true once the crack of the wall of reality has fully healed. But right now it's still weak and I knew where to find it."
"Trouble is," said John, "now that he's done that, it will take much, much longer to seal, and a weak point in the fabric of reality is a very, very bad thing."
"So, you're telling me," demanded Rose. "That you put every single universe in danger, that what just happened could now happen all over again, because of you, just so you could find out if you two could feel each other?"
The Doctor, chastened, ashamed, murmured, "Yes, I did that. I put everything at risk. Every living thing on every planet in every galaxy in every universe in reality. But it wasn't just to find the answer. It was to… to…" The Doctor couldn't bring himself to say it.
"Rose," John said, speaking for the Doctor. "I know how this is going to sound, but please try to understand. He and I are the same. We feel the same… and we know what makes us feel good. I know exactly what to do to bring perfect pleasure to him with every single touch, and he knows what to do to me. And that pleasure will be multiplied by infinity. We can feel infinite pleasure." The Doctor's head remained bowed, and John shot him a sympathetic look.
Rose was disgusted. "Doctor, are you telling me that you exposed all of reality to potential destruction so that you could get off with yourself? How could you be so reckless?!" Tears began streaming down her face. "How could you be so selfish?! John, tell me honestly: did you have anything to do with this decision?"
"No. But I'm him."
"I can't believe what I'm hearing."
"Here's the thing, Rose. He didn't do this so we could get off with each other. He did this so that he could share it with you."
"Oh yeah? What are you offering, Doctor? The chance for me to watch?"
The Doctor remained silent. "He wants to make love to you," said John.
"So, you would put all of reality at risk to make love to me?" accused Rose.
For the first time, the Doctor rose his eyes to hers. The words he spoke were filled with all the feeling in the universe. "Of course I would," he breathed. "A million times over. And if you didn't already know that, I am so, so sorry."
Rose's eyes, which glittered with rage, now softened as everything she had been feeling rushed out of her body, leaving only tenderness and compassion behind. "Well then why didn't you do it before? Why didn't you come to me when I fell into this parallel universe? You knew I wanted you."
"Because I have a responsibility. After all the wonderful things the world has done for me, the last thing I could do was to put it in danger."
"Well then, what changed?"
"This time," John said on the Doctor's behalf, "he has something to offer you. The chance to give you infinite pleasure."
"But how? I'm not connected the way you are."
"No," said the Doctor. "But if I were to establish a telepathic link with you, then you could feel me. And I could feel you. And I could feel you feel me."
"And I can feel him," added John. "And he can feel me."
"And you could feel me," the Doctor replied. "You could feel me." Hesitantly, he stood, and slowly walked over to Rose. He offered her his hand and he pulled her up to stand in front of him. John rose from his seat too, and stood behind the Doctor, watching the two of them.
"Doctor, I love what you want to give me," Rose whispered. The Doctor brushed her lips softly with his and she sighed. "But I just can't accept it." Her words were unconvincing. He went on as though he hadn't heard her, and maybe he hadn't. He feathered kisses down her jaw, and nestled his face in her neck. He breathed deeply. Rose's mind went blank. She knew nothing but his mouth on her. The Doctor, so very gently, placed his fingertips on either side of Rose's face, and she succumbed to his silent entreaty. She could feel her mind opening up to him, and everything within her grew as he beckoned her into the vastness of his psyche.
Suddenly, she wrenched herself away from him. "Doctor, if I did this, I'd share responsibility in what you've done. And I'm sorry, I won't do that. I won't do it!" With this, she burst into tears and flew back into her bedroom, slamming the door closed behind her. She fell onto her bed, weeping. She could barely live with herself for turning down the Doctor and John, so she escaped the only way she could. She willed herself to fall asleep.