GazettE's Advice
(A/N) So basically, the Cast of Kingdom Hearts are working on an advice column in the local GazettE, now lets see what questions other users have submitted, and what kind of chaos results. (Some of the questions are original)
Plus, I do not own Kingdom Hearts and all the rest of that stuff.
I. Axel, Larxene, Namine, Roxas
"How the hell are we supposed to work in a place like this?!" Larxene screeched, looking around at the cramped room. Papers and confetti littered the room, not to mention the dust.
"It's not that bad....." Namine said, putting her bag on a seemingly-stable table. Not. The table collapsed under the weight of her bag.
Larxene looked over at her, smirking. "Still think so?"
Namine picked up her bag again, and chose a desk to work at.
"Shut up, Larxene." Axel said, entering the room. "No one gives a damn about what you want. Got it memorized?"
Larxene growled, but didn't respond.
Roxas shook his head and took the desk on the right. "Chill, guys. We have 1 hour to give advice. Then we get paid."
"Pfft." Axel took a seat next to Roxas. "You need to learn to live a little Roxas. You only get to live once."
Roxas waved his hands dismissively.
Larxene snickered, "Awwwww, isn't that adorable?" Larxene went to the left of the room and sat by Namine. 'Okay first question...........'
-~-
"Ahahahahaha!" Larxene screeched even louder, making the other three Nobodies turn to look at her. "Hey, Axel!" She called, "I think this question is better suited for you!"
Axel cocked his head to the side, wondering what she could be talking about. He walked towards her to read the letter.
-
Dear Savage-Static,
I think I might be gay. I have a crush on my best friend, but he has a girlfriend. What do you think I should do.
Signed,
Rainbow's Man, Y'know? (Diance)
-~-
'The hell?!" Axel yelled, slamming Larxene's monitor. "Why would this question be suited for me?!"
Namine and Roxas looked at each other, wondering what everything was about.
"Well," Larxene began, "You and Roxas are bed-buddies, right? You should know how to handle a question like this."
"What?!" Axel exploded. Roxas blushed and looked away. "We are NOT bed buddies, just friends!"
"Whatever you say........AKU-ROKU......" Larxene laughed again as Axel headed back to his work.
'Okay........' Larxene thought, to answer the question........
-~-
Dear Rainbow's Man, Y'know?,
There is nothing wrong with being gay. You need to learn to embrace your new sexuality and your new future-boyfriend. So what if he has a girl? I say, go up to that fag-hag, and beat the shit out of her. You go up to them and you win your man back! Amen. Trust me on this. I know a few guys like you...........
Signed,
Savage-Static
Larxene looked over at Axel and snickered one last time.
-~-
Dear Evil Angel,
Is it possible to get pregnant if your doing it in a pool or a hot tub?
Signed,
Hot and Horny
-~-
"Oh dear........" Namine gasped, reading the question assigned to her. "Ummm.....uh......." Namine, being the innocent Angel that she is, could never possibly answer a dirty question like this, so she decided to ask her friend. "Um, Roxas?"
"Yeah? What is it?" Roxas replied, looking at her.
"Can you help me with this question?"
Roxas shrugged. "Sure, why not." Roxas walked over to Namine, and read the question to himself, his face getting hotter and hotter after every word. "Ummm, Namine.......What makes you think I would know a thing like that?"
Namine gulped, "Well, it's just, I've never done anything like this before so I wouldn't know-"
"And what makes you think I would know a thing like this?" Roxas asked.
Namine looked past Roxas to see Axel messing with his hair. "Uhhh, no reason.........."
-~-
Dear Hot and Horny,
I'm not entirely sure, but you can never be too careful. I guess hot water or the chemicals would kill any stray sperms............But you should consult a doctor about this question.....
Signed,
Evil Angel
-~-
"What are you staring at?" Axel asked, as Roxas returned to his seat.
"N-Nothing......." Roxas replied, looking away.
"Pfft. Whatever." 'Now, next question.........'
-~-
Dear Fresh 'n Flames
I'm 16, have a baby, and I don't know who's the father. Is it my current boyfriend, or my ex with whom I slept with around the time I got pregnant? Please help, I don't know what to do......
Signed,
Don't Know Who's Da Bby Fa'da (Diance)
-~-
Axel laughed at the stupidity of the question, but continued to answer it.
-~-
Dear Don't know Who's Da Bby Fa'da,
My first advice to you, take some classes on how to keep your legs together. Second advice, we have this great invention called a CON-DOM. You can get it at a store for 3 bucks, you can't miss it. Great stuff. Okay, onto the big dogs. In New York, there is a show called Maury Show. You and the two guys go there, take a blood test, and make sure one of them is ready to hear "You are NOT the father!"
Signed,
Fresh 'n Flames
-~-
Axel read over what he wrote, satisfied at his awesome advice giving skills.
"You can't tell her that!" Roxas exclaimed, pushing Axel's head out of the way.
"Course I can." Axel said, pushing Roxas back. "My question, my advice. Plus, you and your young mind can never comprehend the melancholy of my beautiful advice giving." Axel had sparkles in his eyes as he explained to Roxas the true power of his 'useful' advice.
-~-
Dear 13th Mystery,
I want to ask this girl out, but I don't know how. We hang out a lot, but.......I don't know how to act right around her.
Signed,
Desperaux
-~-
"Watch and learn." Roxas said to Axel, cracking his knuckles.
Roxas smirked. "Tsk. I'll enjoy watching you crash and burn, buuuuddy.
-~-
Dear Desperaux,
I suggest asking her to hangout alone with you. Then offer her something like ice-cream. I suggest sea-salt flavor. Maybe a drink? Just try not to act like a buffoon.
Signed,
13th Mystery
-~-
"See that? That is true genius advice giving." said Roxas, proud.
Axel was about to reply when Larxene spoke up, "Hey, you fucking pansies! You sissies done arguing? Cause we're leaving."
-~-
So with that, Namine and Larxene left to go hang out somewhere together, while Axel and Roxas headed home.
2 weeks later
-~-
"Ah." Larxene sighed, stretching.
"Your happy today." Namine said, ordering them both an iced-latte.
"I don't know, I just feel so good about the advice I've been giving to helpless people."
Just then, a big guy wearing an orange shirt and sideburns walked in and approached a couple. The couple consisted of a blonde guy wearing a beanie and muscle shirt while the girl had short silver hair covering one of her eyes.
"Rai? What the hell are you doing here?" The blonde guy said.
"Seifer! I'm here to win you back man! Y'know?!" The big guy, Rai, said.
"Back? Back from who?!" The blonde guy, Seifer, demanded.
"From this fag-hag, y'know?!" Rai said, lifting up the girl so now he was holding her above his head.
"Down. Down!" The girl tried to keep her cool, but it was kinda obvious she was terrified.
Rai threw her over the counter and the girl hit the snow cone machine. Suddenly, the frosty the snowman theme song started to play. Rai then proceeded to pick up Seifer.
"Put me down! Put me down NOW!" Seifer demanded.
Rai just ran out the the cafe carrying Seifer over his shoulder. "Amen! Y'know?!"
-~-
"Coincidence." Larxene stated leaving the cafe. "I doubt that guy was Rainbow's Man. It was all a big coincidence."
Namine waved her hands around mystifyingly, "There is no such thing as coincidence, only hitsuzen....."
While walking, they noticed a little girl playing with a ball. Larxene, being an evil bitch, took the ball and threw it over a house and into someone's yard. Larxene laughed and walked away as the little girl began to cry. Namine, being the kind-'hearted' girl that she is, decided to retrieve it for the little girl. Climbing up the side of the house and onto the roof, she managed to get the ball, but heard some moaning sounds coming from the yard. Being the ever-so-curious girl that she is, decided to see what was the cause of that weird sound.
"Are you sure it's safe to be doing this?" Said a red haired girl in the pool, naked.
"Of course it is, Kairi. A very qualified person gave me the advice that it was okay." Said a silver-haired man, also naked.
-~-
"Why is your face red?" Larxene asked.
"I guess there are some things really are better left unseen..."
-~-
"Stop flipping through the channels!" Roxas said, irritated.
"Fine. I'll stop at the next channel." Replied Axel. He decided he wanted to see what was on channel 8.
-~-
"I'm soooo sorry!" A girl was crying. "I didn't mean to....."
"How could you?! I trusted you Selphie!" Said a guy holding a red stick. In the room, there was a guy with orange hair holding a beach ball.
"Tidus....." Said an old man, "You ARE the fat-"
-~-
"Boring." Said Axel flipping off the TV. "Lets go out."
-~-
So, Roxas and Axel are walking down Market Square, talking about there skills as advice givers. "You know Roxas, the name you chose was pretty lame. I mean seriously, '13th Mystery'? Can you be anymore obvious?"
Roxas blushed. "Yeah? Well-"
Suddenly, a girl with black hair and a headband jumped out in front of them. She was covered in something blue, and had a giant shuriken in her hands. "You're 13th Mystery?!" She yelled. "You're the reason my Leon dumped ice-cream on me?!" Before Roxas could reply, the girl punched him the the left eye. "Bastard!" Then she punched him in the right eye. "Dumbass!" Then she ran off, leaving a Roxas standing there, shedding tears of pain.
"Axel? Do I still look good? Is my face still pretty?"
"Of course it is Roxas. You look like a million bucks."
"Really ^-^?"
"No."
"T^T"
-~-
Glad you all liked it. Plz review T^T. DO EET! DO EET OR I EET YOU!
Oh, and it would be great if you sent in a possible problem. Next week, The people who are going to be answering the questions are Demyx.......and I need some other ppl, but I can't think of who. Who do y'all think I should use?
Anyways, I digress, I would like to thank Diance and Halfdemon-Kai for sending in questions and chatting with me. You should also try checkig out some of there stories. They are great.