Title: Truth
Summary: Chloe copes with Truth with a little help from Clark after Brainiac
Rated: PG13
Warnings: Contains season 8 spoilers. Up to and including Legion
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Characters belong to DC yada yada yada
A/N: Written for "Get Chlark Together" Challenge a very very long time ago
Month 1
He finds her in the living room, sitting on the sofa silently staring at the blank TV screen. Her hair has grown past her shoulders in the weeks following her exorcism. She likes to refer to it as her exorcism, when she feigns her amusement. In truth, it wasn't an exorcism. In truth, it was a total brainwash. But she likes to pretend she was possessed; likes to pretend she wasn't in control of her actions. At least to everyone that's in on the secret, but doesn't know the full of extent of the incident. She likes to pretend... and he allows it.
She knows it wasn't her fault. She knows that she's the victim. She should know... yet she can't help but feel responsible. Chloe has always been a seeker of the truth; always sought for the answers. And even in the chaos that is now her life - to hide and bury the truth from herself is unfathomable. It always comes back to the truth, to what she knows.
This is what she ponders on as she stares listlessly at the blank screen. This is what she's been thinking about every time Clark's found her. When she's sitting at the kitchen counter boring holes into her hands. Or laying in bed blinking in the dark at the ceiling. Even laying in the grass of the Kent farm with Shelby watching the clouds idly drift by. This is what she thinks about... what she tries to remember. The truth.
The truth, as painful as it is to face, is that it was her. Clark tries to deny it, argues against it, but this is what Chloe knows. Though her actions were influenced and her choices were impaired. It was still her. Still Chloe. Even though her will was being eaten away and her mind was being altered to fit Brainiac's objective... it was still her. Little playing pieces moved around in her mind to fit logic, to make sense as if her mind was a board game, until finally it was match and set. And in the end Brainiac had the check mate.
Even now, it is she who has to deal with the fall out. It's still Chloe who has to pick up the pieces of a life that took only 6 months to be destroyed.
As per routine, Clark takes a seat beside her on the sofa and waits patiently for her to speak. There is nothing for him to say, nothing that can be said that he hasn't already said. Over the past few weeks, he's told her that it wasn't her fault, how... she couldn't have prevented it even if she tried. He's held her when she cried in despair and soothed her with words of promise, assuring her that all is not lost and that everything will be OK. He's said it all, so now he just waits. His heart in his hands, his love in his eyes. He waits.
As per routine, she reaches for one of his large hands and holds it between both of hers. Chloe seeks this comfort often. The only comfort she can accept... silent physical comfort. The only thing that makes her feel connected... to anything, to everything. And Clark freely gives it, and more when he wraps a strong arm around her shoulders and pulls her to rest in his fold. This comfort is the only thing that she has left. The only balm to her broken life. In the end Clark is all that remains.
It started immediately after the young super heroes returned to their future lives, after Jimmy rejected her as she is, after Lois denied her understanding. Admittedly, she couldn't explain the cause of her behavior, the reason for the decisions she's made over those few months of her possession. It was impossible to explain how the life she led for that time was no longer a life she wanted or a life she knew. She couldn't justify her actions without outing Clark. Didn't want to justify them and explain... it was selfish, but at the time, even now, she only wants understanding. It may be too much to ask but she just needs acceptance. Still, Chloe can admit that Jimmy casting her off and Lois turning her back is unarguable. She can admit it, yet that truth doesn't take the pain away, it never replaces the loss.
She can't tell Jimmy that she never had any intentions of marrying him. Can't tell him that she was never really in love with him. She can't lie and tell him what he wants to hear, that he's the one and only one for her. She's lived a life that wasn't her own for six months. She's tired of that lie, so all she could give is 'I'm sorry' and move on and move out. She left the Talon apartment that day. Couldn't bear to take Jimmy's love and home away from him so Chloe chose the exit. Leaving behind what should have never been and found herself safe with an understanding Clark, so Clark remains.
Her unexplainable, and in Lois' opinion inexcusable, departure and subsequent desire for an annulment from her marriage to Jimmy became a source of contention with her cousin. In truth, Chloe can't even begin to understand why her decision affected Lois as it did or why Lois took it so personally... but yet it doesn't change that she did, and Chloe once again couldn't give solid enough reasons for her decisions to appease her. They haven't spoken in two weeks.
Life has turned for Chloe. In the few months that Brainiac held sway over her, the AI decimated her life, screwed with her mind. And now, all that is left is Clark. All Chloe has to look to is her reluctant hero. Whether Clark wants the responsibility remains to be seen, all she knows is that he hasn't left her. That Clark's the one left standing in the aftermath. And for that she loves him dearly.
"Is this all that is left of me?" Chloe's voice is soft and not disturbing to the silence. Squeezing his hand tightly, she shifts closer to his body, seeking out his heat. Craving his presence and life in hopes that it will spark some in her.
"I keep trying to remember the things I've said, what I've done... hoping that if I can remember more than snapshots and images, then I can piece them together and attempt to rectify them." Sighing, she shuts her eyes, forcing her mind to conjure up the events that led to this moment, this life that she now has to live.
Clark looks on quietly, his expression pained for his friend. He wants so badly to help her, to take it way... to fix it. And his impotence to help fills him with a guilt he hasn't felt since his father passed.
Slowly, so as not to disturb the stillness with swift motion, Clark raises his hand to her face, affectionately brushing the falling locks behind her ear. "I don't think this can just be rectified." He says softly. Chloe's eyes opening to his. The acceptance, support and love shimmering loudly in his turquoise depths, brings tears to her eyes.
She nods and swallows back thickly the flood of emotion swelling inside of her. "I don't think so either."
His smile is slow and unconvincing as he says, "We'll get through this." At least, he hopes that they get through it. He hopes his Chloe will come back. And either way, Clark's determined to stand by her. Either way, he'll support her. Either way, he'll continue to love her.
"I'm going to bed." Chloe states, the conversation ended. It's always like this. Chloe baring little pieces of her soul, revealing glimpses of her agony and then... that's it. Yet, it's never over. The conversation is never done.
Rising to her feet, she runs a tender hand through Clark's hair in parting. Fingertips grazing his scalp tenderly, Clark closes his eyes at her caress and breathes deep. He doesn't know when this started. Can't recall the beginnings of this part of Chloe's routine, but her gentle touch, her quiet affection continues to stir something hot and needy in his depths. A desire for her, he no longer denies. His love no longer fought. If only she could see it. If only he could tell her. Yet Clark knows it's not the time. He knows right now, the weight of his love might possibly break her. So he waits.
---
The night, is now a dreaded time for Chloe. The darkness is frightening. The quiet terrifies her. The loneliness is all consuming. The night time leaves her with nothing, but her thoughts. Thoughts that she no longer trusts. She stays awake until sleep claims her, forced to the brink of exhaustion. Her unconscious mind replays snatches of dark memories, flashes of terrifying events, a knowledge of unknown horrors. A knowledge no human should possess. Images of wars and devastation of countless planets in the known and unknown galaxies. Foot prints of unlimited knowledge. Though Brainiac no longer exists inside of her, it's left it's signature, it's foot prints in the drying concrete of her mind. It's foot prints that leaves her screaming in the darkened hours. Crying out from horrors she can't recall when awake. Nightly terrors she can't escape facilitates the start of another routine.
It is when she finally succumbs to sleep, that Clark enters her bedroom and subsequently her bed. It is while she sleeps that he wraps his solid arms around her and hugs her close to him. It's in her sleep that she feels the unexplainable dampness on her neck, her shoulder as Clark buries his face in her skin. She's not supposed to know this but she does. Night after night. She's not supposed to hear him crying silently. Not supposed to feel the weight of his own silent guilt over his inability to protect her. She's not supposed to hear his whispers of love and affection. She's supposed to be lost in slumber so she never mentions it while awake. But she surmises that Clark knows. Clark gives and she receives. It's not the time for love, it's the time for recovery... for both of them.
It used to be her fantasy... to sleep with Clark, next to Clark... nightly. It used to be her desire to have his love given so freely. It used to be what she wanted. And now, though she's receiving what she used to want, there is no glory in them sharing a bed. And though she's receiving what she used to desire, there is no joy in his comfort. It's just what used to be... when she used to be Chloe.
---
Month 2
The annulment finalized. Under the grounds of mental incapacitation at the time of marriage - Jimmy doesn't understand when she says that she wasn't herself - and the marriage was never consummated. Free from one predicament but not free from all.
Decidedly it's time to get on with the business of living. Through with analyzing, done with forcing the memories into a coherent and cohesive pattern. She remembers some but not all, Chloe supposes that should be enough. Whether it is... only time will tell.
So she lives... she tries to live. Except she thinks that she may have forgotten how. Is living waking up to a purpose on each new day? Or is living merely involuntary action? Is it simply the blessing to be able to draw breath and open her eyes from day to day? Or is it more? Chloe remembers when she had a purpose. She can reflect on those times when she knew where she needed to be and what to do from moment to moment. Now she mourns that memory, that life. Mourns the empty farm house, mourns the hours that Clark's away in Metropolis, leaving Shelby as her constant companion. Chloe decides she needs to live again.
Once over dinner she asked Clark about this task of living and his simple and plain answer helped her little. With a nonchalant shrug of his shoulder, "You just live." As if that explained it all. However, maybe he was right, maybe there was no script to follow, maybe Chloe just has to learn to trust herself enough to live again.
So she comes back to the truth. The truth which she can't hide from herself, can't deny... the truth is that she doesn't trust herself. She doesn't trust her mind anymore. She doesn't trust the decisions that she makes and the actions that she chooses. She doesn't know how to live. Brainaic stole the only thing that made her Chloe; the only thing that she was truly proud of; the only thing she ever truly relied on. Other girls were aesthetically beautiful like Lana or her cousin Lois. Other girls had glowing wonderful personalities. Chloe had her mind; her intelligence; her wit. And the AI took it and then remade it and now what's left is only doubt and uncertainty.
However, she must live. Chloe must trudge her way forward. A fighter, she's always been, and though she may doubt, she will not give up. Not again. So maybe that will be a part of her living from now on. Maybe she'll never be truly secure in her mind again, maybe she'll second guess every decision she makes for the rest of her life, but she's determined never to let that interfere with her living. She can't go back... might as well move forward.
---
Month 3
Clark watches her as she runs around playing with Shelby, a bright luminous smile easily gracing her lips. It's been so long since he's seen her smile like that. His mind reflects on the first time he witnessed her smile after Brainiac. Three weeks ago, sitting at the kitchen island eating breakfast, he happened to glance her way - he'd been casting side-long glances at her since she moved in - so at ease, Clark remarked at the time. Her head propped up in her hand, Chloe stared out the window toward the morning sun and simply smiled. It wasn't her usual brilliant glowing smile, the kind she now adorns, but it was a smile all the same. A relaxed smile that warmed Clark to his core, a smile that he couldn't help but reciprocate. From that moment on, Clark found himself counting her smiles and seeking to find ways to induce them.
Now here she is, smiling effortlessly, care free, like she used to. Running towards him as he sat on a blanket in the grass with Shelby barking happily at her heels, Chloe smiles. And a sound Clark thought he'd never hear again, escapes her while she plops down cross legged across from him. Chloe laughs and giggles at Shelby licking her cheeks. "Good boy... I like you too." She says, ruffling his golden coat.
Entranced, Clark stares unabashed at Chloe seemingly happy once again, an unknowing goofy grin forming on his face as well at the display.
"Wow..." Chloe beams, noting Clark's facial tell. "I almost didn't recognize you. Never thought I'd see that smile again." She teases. . He shakes his head, rolling his eyes in feigned annoyance to hide his blush as the grin diminishes only slightly. If Chloe's happy, Clark realizes, then so is he.
"I could say the same." He replies smoothly. "You seem happy."
"Ahh. Happy is a transient state. Am I happy? In this moment? I would say yes. Am I happy in the grand scheme? Not so much." She responds. Leaning back on her arms, her palms flat on the blanket behind her, Chloe tilts her head upward and closes her eyes. "Mmm. Much better."
Clark shrugs. "Well, you wear happy well. I wish you more happy moments in the future." He studies her intently. Seeing her relaxed and at ease. The sunlight illuminating her hair and her skin glowing. He's in awe and she's wonderful.
"I remember you saying that." She interrupts his reverie.
"Huh?"
Laying herself down on the blanket, Chloe pillows the back of her head on her arm. Shelby noticing the opportunity, approaches her, and lays his head on her flat stomach, eyes searching Clark. Relaxed is the word Clark used to describe the day. Peaceful, as Chloe runs her hands through Shelby's fiery coat. Fleetingly, Clark's jealous of the attention given his dog, but shakes it off with an amused air at his thoughts.
"I can't recall the context well... but I remember pieces, you've said on more than one occasion in those puppet master months that you wanted me to be happy. Was I not happy?" Finishing with a sigh as Shelby licks her hand. She closes her eyes... peaceful.
He hesitates for a beat before responding with "You seemed happy." And the sour note in his words does not go unnoticed.
"You weren't happy for me, I take it."
"Truth?" He asks.
"Always."
"Yes." Clark counters quickly, then amends. "...and No."
Chloe turns her head toward her friend, eyes opening quizzically at his words. "Why wouldn't you be happy for me... if I appeared happy and you want me to be happy... So you didn't mean it?"
"I meant it..." Clark rushes to explain. "I just..." He sighs in defeat, rubbing his hands vigorously over his face in frustration before looking back toward Chloe. "I meant it. I do want you to be happy. Though each time I said it, I felt... I felt sick... it was the last thing I ever wanted to say."
Green eyes narrowed in curiosity, she asks "Why?"
"I didn't want you be happy with Jimmy." Clark blurts out.
Shocked still, eyes widening at the truth Clark unwittingly or intentionally revealed, Chloe falls prey to the intensity and conviction reflected in Clark's unflinching gaze. Mouth suddenly and inexplicably dry, she swallows thickly.
"You know... I miss the old days." She says slowly. Surprised that her voice hadn't crack upon her delivery.
Clark blinks, breaking their intense visual connection, caught off guard by her change in direction.
"Wha?"
"High School." She turns her head back to the sky. "It was so much simpler. Easier."
He scoffs. "Yeah, hunting down Krypto-perps every week, was soooo much easier."
"It was." Chloe counters breezily. "Come on Clark. You can't discount the benefits of a bi-weekly psychosis induced Krypto-perp v/s a 6 month body snatching and mind-raping of a genocidal intergalactic artificial intelligence anarchist." Laughing humorlessly she adds. "Truly it doesn't compare."
The frown that mars his features is deep and his voice is thoughtful. "When you say it like that, it almost sounds made up."
"The story of our lives farm boy. The story of our lives." Chloe sighs. "But I do miss the simplicity... and sometimes, even the predictability."
"Yeah." Clark breathes, though lacking conviction.
"Back then our lives consisted on many certainties. You... gah gah over the Lang. Me... hopelessly in love with you. Your subsequent rejection and/or lack of reciprocation. It was familiar. Expected. Our lives by the book."
His stomach drops at her words. Churning sickeningly at her bare-bones flat description. He wonders, if she's hinting at her feelings now. Is she no longer in love with him?
"I don't miss it." He says quietly. He doesn't miss it at all. He doesn't miss being so blinded by Lana that he failed to see how amazing Chloe was. He doesn't miss his idiocy.
"You should." She counters swiftly.
"Why?"
Chloe sighs. "Clark... I'm a mess right now. I'm just now getting to the point where I can forgive myself for what happened. Letting go of the guilt. I'm just now able to trust my own judgement and stop second guessing every decision I make. The situation with Jimmy was jarring enough... I can't, no, I'm not ready to begin analyzing my feelings for you right now."
"I understand that." He nods. "And I'm not asking you to."
She continues as if Clark hasn't spoken. "And I don't want to misinterpret your affection and support for more than what it is."
He narrows his eyes at her unexpected logic. "And what do you think it is?" He asks, genuinely bemused.
"Guilt." She answers simply.
He studies her for a moment, before her response registers. "What do you mean?"
"I don't feel burdened with guilt anymore... what about you?" She asks quietly.
"I never..."
"Don't deny it Clark." She cuts in. "I know you too well. You've hammered into me with your big Kryptonian fists that it's not my fault. That I couldn't have prevented it... well the same goes for you, you know." Licking her lips, she continues, her voice solemn, "I don't blame you Clark. I never have. Please... don't blame yourself. And please don't confuse the weight of that guilt for something more intense."
Her words swarm his mind, circling his thoughts, arousing his own insecurities. Not of what he feels, not at all about the depths that he feels. He knows that he loves her. Clark knows that he's in love with her, hell, he's known for quite some time, Chloe means everything to him. However, there are still questions, things he's uncertain of. He's already resigned himself to wait until she's ready, not wanting to add to her burden with what she may consider his changed feelings, his new regard. Now he wonders when and if the time comes will it be hopeless. He's unsure, yet Clark will continue to wait.
---
The room is dark, lit only by a sliver of moonlight, cutting through the parted curtains.
Chloe lays on her side facing the window, eyes glowing in the silvery light. Her arms circle the pillow under head as Clark's arm wraps protectively and possessively around her stomach.
"I think it's best if we go back to sleeping in separate beds." Her soft voice slices through the quiet, disrupting the stillness in the settled room.
Unconsciously, his arm tightens around her middle, pulling her body flush against him. "Why?" He hates that his voice holds a pleading note, but he can't help it. He likes sleeping with her. He loves waking up to Chloe by his side.
"I'm not having the nightmares anymore. I'm getting to where I can sleep throughout the night..."
"How do you know? I've been here almost since the beginning. How do you know you'll be able to sleep peacefully?" He asks quietly.
Chloe stirs in his arms and he loosens his grip slightly so she can move easily. Turning on her other side to face him, Chloe searches his plaintive features before responding. "How will I know if I don't try?"
He sighs defeated, blinking at her in the darkness. "Truth is..." He begins softly, his voice barely a whisper. "...truth is, I'm not sure I can sleep without you now."
"Well, that's a problem." She says with a wry smile, her hand raises to smooth the creases in his brow and brushes the dark locks out of his eyes. "I guess you'll have to relearn. What will happen when you start to date someone?"
"I'm not interested in dating anyone..." He says coolly, leaving out the very discernable 'else'.
"OK. So what about your reputation? You may not be interested now, but that doesn't discount the possibility." She doesn't want to hold him back. She can't stand the thought of him missing out on anymore of his life because of her. God, she loves him so much but... she's so unsure. She fears she may never be ready. She fears her judgement when it's time to answer.
"I guess we can cross that bridge when we come to it." Relinquishing his hold on her, Clark rolls over onto his back, his eyes gazing up toward the ceiling. Clark doesn't want to be hurt. He's aware of what she's doing, aware of her uncertainity, that she's not ready. But her words, this push that she's forcing cuts deep. "Anyway, how would anyone know about my sleeping habits... or who I share my bed with? It's a moot point Chlo."
"And what about Lois?" Chloe mimics his position.
Clark's head turns toward her sharply. "What about Lois?" He questions loudly.
"She might get jealous. I think she may be jealous already, with me living here." She voices calmly and non-indulgent.
He laughs heartily. His bellow loud and completely unexpected by Chloe. The bed shakes violently with the movement of his bodily amusement. "You..." He breathes, attempting to control his laughter. "...you have got to be kidding!"
Chloe isn't sure whether she should be offended for her cousin's sake or join in the merriment at Clark obvious and blatant disbelief and objection. Settling for serious, Chloe responds. "I see the way she looks at you, when no one's watching Clark. I think maybe..."
"I think maybe you've lost your mind." Clark jests.
"Not funny!" Chloe scowls. Her voice revealing the hurt and reproach at his words.
The laughter died, the amusement fading from his lips, Clark turns toward Chloe and gathers her into his arms. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."
"You'd better be." She pouts, pillowing her head on his chest. Clark runs his hand through her hair, lightly spreading it out through his fingers. "All I'm saying Clark is that you can't disregard Lois' feelings. I mean look what happened with us. You may be missing out on something real and special."
He sighs heavily, the strength of his exhalation stirring Chloe's hair. "I'm not going to miss out on something special and real if I already have it..."
"Clark..." Chloe motions to rise, but Clark holds her firmly to him, preventing her movement.
"But that's beside the point." He presses on. "I don't feel that way about Lois and will never feel that way about her... and honestly Chloe, I seriously doubt that she feels that way about me, to which I am eternally grateful."
"You say that now." She retorts doubtfully, patting Clark's chiseled abdomen.
"I say that for always."
"Yeah, yeah." Chloe sighs, followed by a huge yawn.
Clark squeezes her tightly to him. "Go to sleep and stop talking crazy."
"Night." Chloe burrows further into his warmth.
"Night." He whispers back.
---
Month 4
"You can't sleep here Clark." Chloe's voice rang out into the darkened room as Clark entered. "Go back to your own bed."
"Why?" He asks, approaching the bed slowly. His bare feet softly tapping on the cold hardwood floors.
She sighs in frustration. 'Why ask why Clark', Chloe counters silently. "We've already gone through this." She offers as a response instead.
"Yeah, and that was a month ago." Clark peels back the covers on his side, although Chloe ineffectively tries to yank them away. "I told you, I can't sleep without you anymore." He voices piteously.
"You haven't even tried."
"So." He ripostes. "I know me."
"So." Chloe drawls with a roll of her eyes. "You don't even really need to sleep." She huffs shifting further to her left as Clark's large body dominates, persistent in invading the bed.
"I do too need sleep. I may not need to sleep regularly, but sooner or later, I have to, and then like a magnetic pull I'll be back here anyway. So Chloe, you might as well give in now, and get used it." The smile in his voice is obvious... and annoying.
"Whatever." She grumbles, turning away from him. "Just don't touch me, OK." She adds over her shoulder.
Clark frowns, pausing to assess her words and demeanor. The annoyance in her voice and the tension in her body leaves him perplexed and confused. "What's this about Chloe?" He asks softly.
Taking a deep breath, Chloe decides what to tell him. She could lie, give him the easy answer and end the discussion or she could wade in, be honest and endure a long conversation. She settles on the truth. After months of dishonesty; months of her entire life being wrong and a farce, Chloe's had enough of lies... at least with Clark. He's the one person she can be completely truthful with... she can't waste that, won't taint what they have.
"I spoke to Lois today." She begins quietly.
"And?" There was a pregnant pause as Clark waited for her to continue. He'd already figured it had something to do with the obnoxious brunette. When he'd gotten back from picking up Chloe's coffee, Lois had been seated at the kitchen island, finishing off his mom's pumpkin pie. While Chloe was no where to be found. An brief reactionary stretching of his hearing assured him that she was in one piece, though her heart rate was slightly elevated.
"And it didn't go well." She takes a deep breath and swallows hoping to stave off the tears she can feel building and then continues. "She told me... she said I was pathetic." Her voice breaks at the end. "That she pitied me and doesn't know who I am anymore."
"Chloe..." He breathes.
"She's right." She presses on, hugging her pillow tightly. "Sort of anyway, I mean, look at my life Clark."
"Chloe..." His hand lands on her shoulder, gently guiding her down to face him. "I see your life now Chloe. I see you trying and effectively undoing the damage done to it, by no fault of your own. And I also see, that Lois has no idea what she's talking about."
"Yeah." She says nodding though unconvinced.
"Listen..." Clark's tone is soft, each word a soothing caress. "I didn't want to say this... honestly I think it's irrelevant... and frankly a bit wacky..." He snorts.
"Wacky?" Chloe interrupts bemused "Since when do you say wacky."
Clark laughs wryly. "Since Lois told me she was in love with me?"
At his words Chloe sat bolt upright in the bed. "She does not!"
"That's exactly what I said." He folds his hands behind his head.
"Oh My God, Clark!" Her eyes widening in disbelief as she stares at his relaxed form. "Oh My God. I knew she was hot for you but... love?" She turns her head from him, staring at the adjacent wall. "Wow!" She breathes.
Raising his hand to her shoulder, Clark pulls the still shocked Chloe down to rest against his chest. "Anyway..." He begins as he wraps his arms around her. "...I brought this up, only because I think Lois said what she said, because she's jealous."
"I told you." She rolls her eyes and unconsciously raises her hands to entwine with Clark's resting on her stomach. "I mean... even still she knows nothings going on Clark. You see her everyday, you work with her, she must know that you don't feel that way about me."
His arms tighten around her as he speaks. "That's not exactly true, Chloe."
"You're not in love with me." She responds matter-of-fact.
"Says who."
"Since when?" Chloe counters.
"Truth?"
"Always."
"I don't know when, exactly. But I realized it on Dark Thursday... or when I saw you at the Daily Planet when I first returned. I can't explain it." He finished weakly and was a little surprised that he had the strength to reveal as much as he did. Craning his neck to gauge Chloe's reaction, Clark waits.
The silence stretches as Chloe debates on what to say. Could it be true? Can she trust his words? Or even her feelings? Hell, she didn't even know what she was feeling. For so long, years actually, she's wanted to hear Clark say that he loved her... and now. Now what?
"You... you never said anything." She whispers. Her voice so soft, it takes his preternatural hearing to pick up her words.
Clark swallows thickly, his throat dry. Can he go forward? He had the courage to finally tell her how he felt, but can he go through with the rest that has been heavily laying on his heart. "I had to let you go..." He begins hesitantly, his voice almost as soft as hers. "...hoping one day you'd fly back to me..."
Yet again, Chloe sat bolt upright, flying out of Clark's arms. Her reaction cutting off his words. "Oh My God!"
"Chloe?"
"Oh My God!" Her eyes are wide and her voice resonates loudly in the dark room. "How did..." She turns toward him, her eyes huge on her face. "Oh My God! You read it!" The accusation in her voice is unmistakable.
"You let me read it." He explains calmly.
"I did not!"
Clark closes his eyes for a moment, steadying himself in preparation for a topic he never wanted to bring up.
The momentary pause is all she needs to put the pieces together. "Brainiac." She says breathlessly. Her heart beat pounding in her ears.
He nods imperceptibly. "Jimmy read it too." He provides and if possible her eyes got even wider.
Chloe raises her hands to her face in humiliation and begins shaking her head slowly. "Oh My God." She whispers mortified.
"To be fair... Jimmy read it first."
"This is not happening." But it actually was. Much to her own chagrin, she had to face it. Another bit of information needs to be pieced together. Chloe breathes deep lowering her hands from her face and gazes at him silently as Clark waits for her response. "OK." She nods levelly. "Tell me. What happened?" Her voice is controlled. She is in control. She can handle this. Chloe Sullivan, though embarrassed beyond belief, can handle anything.
"Well, to make a long story short. Jimmy found the letter. You guys fought about it. Later on, he wound up in the hospital..." Clark shakes his head "... we'll get into that some other time. And later you showed me the letter. You said you wanted to put it behind you and move on with Jimmy." He diverts his eyes from her as he presses on. "You said, you weren't in love with me anymore and that you wanted Jimmy... that Jimmy was perfect... blah blah blah." He finishes with a roll of his eyes.
"And you said... you wanted me to be happy?" She says as a question but as Clark explained, bits of the incident began to reveal itself in her mind."
"Yeah." He replies quietly, his tone revealing more hurt than he intended.
"OK." She blinks rapidly, attempting to process the new information. Information about her life, about things she'd supposedly experienced. For six months her mind took a back seat to an artificial intelligence. Now, now... how does she take this in? Chloe takes a calming breath as she nods. "OK." She repeats softly. She just has to deal.
"OK?" He's hesitant, uncertain of her response and bemused by her resolve.
"O.K." She says insistently. Flopping down on her side of the bed away from Clark, she turns her back towards him.
Rising up abruptly, Clark sputters, flabbergasted. "That's it? I... I told you that I love you and... that's it?"
"Yeah, Clark." Chloe yawns. "I'm really tired. And frankly I'm not comfortable talking about this while sharing a bed."
"Chloe." Clark calls, his tone bordering on irritation. "I mean... No!" He shakes his head emphatically. This is not how it's supposed to go. She just rolls over, not even acknowledging it, not acknowledging him. She just... no. No! "Chloe, we have to talk about this. I tell you I love you, that you're the girl of my dreams and..."
"Ha. That's cute!" She cuts in dismissively.
Gaping at her casual disregard of his declaration, Clark bores distress holes in the back of her head. This cannot be happening. He finally mustered the courage to lay himself bare and she... "Wow." He says weakly. His hand raising to his chest, rubbing over his heart. He didn't know it would hurt this much. He didn't know heartbreak could manifest itself physically. "God... I..." He chokes and says more to himself than to Chloe. "I didn't know it would feel like this."
Her head turns, looking over her shoulder. Chloe sees the very real pain borne discernibly on his face. She turns her body fully toward him. "I don't mean to hurt you Clark." She begins softly. Hoping to balm some of his pain. "I really don't want to hurt you. It's the last thing I ever want to do." Sitting up with him, she faces Clark directly. "God... you mean so much to me, so much, I don't think there are even words to describe." Pausing to take a breath, she then pushes on, hoping for him to understand . "When I wrote that letter..." she shuts her eyes, recalling the words that she wrote baring her heart to him; her love for him. "... those words, were written by a love sick teenager, a girl who was wide-eyed and hopeful, a girl who saw the world laid out in front of her; who never doubted that what she wanted, what she desired, may not come to pass. She was so very naive. She hadn't seen the horrors of the world or experienced them yet."
Opening her eyes, she stares down at her hands, incapable of looking at him while she reveals her vulnerability. "That girl believed that if she loved you enough; if she supported you; if she gave more of herself... then you would open your eyes and see how much you loved her too. You'd open your eyes and see how wonderful she was and want to give that love back to her. That girl existed before you whispered Lana's name. Before you looked past her hope and gravitated toward Alicia. Before she saw you go to Lana over and over again. She clung to the hope that you would see her, before you chose to overlook Lana's faults, ignore Lana's trespasses and criminal activities. And over time that girl realized that in the face of that kind of devotion, that her hope meant nothing. There was nothing to compare, because you didn't want to see."
She shrugged, raising her head to look back at him and trying to ignore the tears in his eyes. "Two years ago, that girl moved on. And it was OK, because she still had her best friend and he still meant the world to her." She finished with a tiny smile. Her hand landing softly on his cheek, Chloe thumbs away the silent tears he let fall.
"So..." He chokes, then clears his throat before continuing. Clark lays his hand on top of Chloe's on his face. Wrapping his fingers around her small hand he clasps it as tightly as he can manage without hurting her. "So... you don't feel that way about me anymore." He needs to know. One way or the other, he needs to know. "What you said in the letter... you don't feel that way anymore?"
"Truth?" She asks.
"Always." He responds automatically.
"I don't know, Clark." She sighs. "Honestly, I don't think I can ever really stop feeling that way. You're my best friend. You are so much more than my best friend, so much more than family... I don't know what I would do without you. I can't even imagine my life without you, I don't want to. You are absolutely the most important person in my life. And yes, I had to look past those feelings, I had to move past them. And maybe at 15 they were premature, but through the years, those feelings transferred to our friendship and we've gotten closer and closer and our friendship grew by leaps and bounds to the point it surpasses mere friendship. In that respect, I don't think I ever stopped feeling that way. But truth, I had to move on. I have moved on."
Pulling her hand from Clark's tight grip, she lays down once again on her side. "And so did you apparently. Showing no qualms about shacking up with Lana and treating the outside world as if it was an intentional interference to your haven of domestic bliss. And that was less than a year ago. Truth? This is why I can't trustyour words Clark. I'm sorry, but I need more than words from you at this point."
He can't breathe. Clark swears his heart's stopped beating. She can't trust his words? More than anything, he wishes he could rewrite the past. The knowledge that it is lack of trust in him that holds her back, breaks him. Did he really do this? Is this what his blindless for all those years bore. Clark never realized how very deeply he'd hurt her. He never realized that this pain, this pain he's feeling now, ever really existed. God, what an idiot! Is this how she felt all those times? If so, Chloe's truly more than he ever imagined. She can't trust his words? Then somehow, someway he'll have to show her. He'll endure and work through his own pain. But he will find a way to convince her.
---
Month 5
"I did it Clark!" Chloe's squeals as she storms into the kitchen of the farm house, slamming the door behind her. In her hands she holds on display a copy of the Smallville Ledger. "I did it!" Her smile is wide with her excited exclamation. The exuberant energy vibrating in her body has her literally bouncing on the balls of her feet. "My first front page byline, after only 3 weeks! Who's awesome?" She crows.
Clark beams at her excitement. Unable to not share in her abundant joy, he takes it as his own. Taking the newspaper from her shaking hands, he reads the title of the front page along with the bolded byline. Three weeks ago, Chloe had decided it was time to get back in the game. Time for her to reclaim who she was. Refusing to work at the Daily Planet while still owned by LuthorCorp, much to Clark's dismay and disappoint, she applied at the Smallville Ledger and was hired on the spot.
Looking back at her, Clark can't help but to gaze in awe and marvel at this gorgeous creature in front of him. She really is amazing, Clark muses. Chloe can do anything she puts her mind too.
Laying the newspaper down gently, Clark continues to stare mesmerized at the blonde in front of him. His best friend, his soul mate - the love of his life. If only she would see it.
He zips away unexpectedly as Chloe blinks at the empty space where Clark once stood. "OK..." She shrugs, the wide brilliant smile returning to her face, she almost does a happy dance.
Then suddenly, Clark's back with a second copy of the newspaper in hand.
"Where'd you go?" Chloe asks, tilting her head to the side quizzically.
"This." Clark holds up the copy. "I needed to get my own copy." He grins at her, crossing the kitchen into the living room, he goes to the bookshelf. Clark pulls out a thick leather bound album from one of the shelves and takes it to the sofa, where he sits.
Chloe narrows her eyes speculatively at her friends actions. Walking to the sofa, she takes a gingerly seat, as Clark tears the front page off the newspaper. She shrieks in indignation. "What are you doing?"
Glancing at her with a tiny sheepish smile, Clark opens the album to reveal article upon article until he flips to an empty page.
"What is that?" She asks in adamant disbelief. She could have sworn she saw her name on a couple of Daily Planet articles. And she knows for a fact she saw the Torch headline on some of them. "Is that..." She swallows. "Are those my articles?"
Clark positions the page just right in the album before pealing the lamination over it. "Yeah." He says softly. "I... um... I keep them." He once again casts her a nervous tentative glance. "It's just... I'm proud of you. I mean..." He struggles to get his words in order. "I've always been proud of you and I... like having them."
"How long?" Stunned. This... something inside her begins to burst. Clark saves her articles, has been saving them since high school. His deliberate reverence and care of her dreams... her work, her accomplishments leaves her reeling. Something grows swiftly inside of her, so rapid and huge Chloe's sure she won't be able to contain it.
"Huh?" Clark's heart stops for a moment. He knew she would ask. He's pretty certain she'll think it's creepy. But since the beginning he couldn't help himself. He's always loved her words. He knows for sure, that he fell in love with her words before he realized that it was more her that he loved.
"How far back do they go?" Her breathing is labored as she speaks, fights to get the words out before whatever it is growing in her, whatever it is she feels, rips out of her. "I saw a few Torch copies when you flipped." She gazes down at the album awe-struck by the magnitude of Clark's... hobby? Ritual? Obsession?
"Since the beginning." His voice is small, almost vulnerable. He absently runs a finger over her name. "Since your first Torch edition." He whispers.
Looking up at Clark, wide eyed Chloe's speechless. He loves her! God, she loves him!
And all of a sudden her control shatters and she's in his arms, having pounced on him, throwing her arms around his neck and pressing her lips firmly to his. No more second guessing. No more questioning her decisions. She's made it. A solid choice in Clark. She loves him.
He loves her. Clark wraps his strong arms around her waste, pulling her firmly in his lap. The album forgotten, fallen to the side. He doesn't need her words to hold on to when he has Chloe in his arms. The kiss deepens as tongue clashes against tongue. As their mouths move together, silently confessing their commitment. This is enough. At long last. This is truth. And the rest, they'll see through together.