Summary: A group of mages tries to revive the Dark Wizard Zeref, so that he can kill their enemies and do whatever evil mages want to do. Unfortunately, as they are performing the sacred Zeref-revival ritual, they are interrupted by a teenager.
"Boss, we've completed step seven hundred seventy six!" a tall wild-haired Zeref worshipper yells.
"Good job Boros!" the boss calls back. "Onto task number seven hundred seventy seven! Remember, if we're interrupted before we complete this final step, we're going to have to redo it!"
"On it boss!" another Zeref worshipper begins preparing the ingredients.
"Yeah, it took us six years to get here. We can't afford to be interrupted now!" yet another person prepares the other items.
Boros runs around fixing the location of the candles, rewriting the archaic lettering around the summoning circle, and generally being busy preparing for the arrival of Lord Zeref.
This is when he crashes into a young man.
"Hey, watch it!" he yells. Then he looks up, scowling as he studies the stranger. "You don't look familiar, and I know all four people who work here. You're trespassing on our territory, so I kindly ask that you leave, before I summon the guards."
"Oh, okay."
"Boss! Boros! That guy squashed the sacred candle!" The only female Zeref worshipper screeches. "He ruined our six years of hard work!"
Boros' eyes narrow. "How dare you ruin our hard work! We spent SIX. YEARS. reviving the Dark Wizard Zeref. Now, I guess we'll kill you. Actually, we'll lock you up. In six years we'll summon Zeref, and when he comes, you will be the first one he kills."
"Hmm, wouldn't that be nice," the stranger muses. "If only that worked the first time around…"
"Shut up. Leah, take him to the dungeons."
"On it, Boros!" she marches up to the newcomer and takes out a pair of handcuffs. "Actually, we don't have dungeons?"
"What did he mean by 'If only that worked the first time around'?" the last cult member, who happens to be the smart one, asks. "... If Zeref isn't alive, how could he have tried to kill that guy?"
"Obviously, this guy," Boros points to the person he doesn't know is Zeref, "is lying."
"Zeref lived over four hundred years ago, created demons-"
"Yes, thank you Leah, we have all memorized the Books For Zeref Worshippers."
"Wait, there are Books For Zeref Worshippers now?" the stranger, who has yet to introduce himself, speaks up. "Wow. What is it about?"
"Not that you need to know, but there are chapters on Zeref's revival, types of sacrifices he enjoys-"
"What types of sacrifices?"
"Oh, you know, typical Dark Wizard stuff. The souls of the pure and innocent, for one-"
The stranger makes a weird choking noise. "Seriously?"
"Yeah."
"What else?"
Boros looks at him suspiciously. "Come on. Everyone knows this."
"Well, I certainly don't, and I'm pretty sure I would know what Zeref wants."
"What do you think he wants?" Leah asks sarcastically. "He's been dead for years. You're no older than twenty."
"One, he's still alive." Cue the shocked gasps. "Two, well, you want to know something?"
"What?" they ask excitedly. All they are thinking is "Zeref is alive? How?".
"He hates Dark Wizard fanatics."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Hahaha! You're lying! I can't believe I thought you were telling the truth when you claimed Zeref is still living. Never should have trusted a stranger like you," Leah laughs.
"And why not?" he asks.
"For starters, how would you know this?"
"Oh!" he looks apologetic. "I forgot to introduce myself earlier. Hi, my name is Zeref. I'd say nice to meet you, but honestly, I'm here to kill Dark Wizard fanatics. NOW DIE."
So, of course, the four members of the Zeref worshipping cult died. It wasn't like they had a choice…
"Perfect. I always hated these types of people anyway. And now I suppose I should read these Books For Zeref Worshippers. Sounds like something completely wrong but fun to laugh at. Something stupid like 'ZEREF IS OUR GOD'. Maybe the next thing to do is burn these books…"
I wrote this because "why not". I thought it was funny and so here it is. Does anyone else actually enjoy this or is it just me?
This fanfiction is based off of this short dialogue:
Cultist: We will resurrect Zeref and kill our enemies!
Zeref: *appears out of nowhere* No thanks.
Cultist: Who are you to barge in on our sacred ceremony! When Zeref comes back he will kill you for this!
Zeref: If only that had worked...
Cultist: What?
Zeref: I tried to kill myself.
Cultist: ?
Zeref: Hi, I'm Zeref, nice to meet you. *kills everyone in the room*
Zeref: I hate these Dark Wizard fanatics.
Caralinguiel
March 5, 2019