What do you do, when you know something is bad for you, but you do it anyways? When you just can't give up, no matter how much you are told to. Even when all hope is lost, you just keep trying?

That's what I was doing. I knew there was no point to this. He would never like me...*that* way. It would always just be hate. It wasn't like I didn't see this coming. I knew it was going to happen, I just kept going.

No matter what. No matter how much he hurt me. No matter how much my brain screamed for me to stop trying, stop longing for his affection. My heart always screamed louder. Screamed to keep going. To not let go. Never let go.

Even when he told me he hated me. With that stupid lisp he has. Even when I told him I hated him right back. Even when he kissed me. Even when he asked me to be his kismesies. Even when I said yes.

I just always hoped he would...change his mind, like he did that a lot with other things. But he never did.

I just need to walk away. I need to walk away from him. But I just can't. I can't bring myself to leave.

But, I can't bring myself to ask him to be my matesprite.

It's stupid, to think I might have ever thought he might pity me. To think he would feel that way towards me. I should have known it would always just be hate. Only just that.

But I just keep trying. Keep trying to change his mind about things. Make him see me in a new light. A more...red...light.

It would always be black. Just a black romance and nothing more. Spades all around for Eridan. No one even wants to fill my other quadrants. He has a moirail, and I'm pretty sure he and Feferi are flushed. So I'm just another troll to fill his black quadrant.

Just another troll.

I wish he pitied me. I wish he would tell me he was flushed for me. I wish I could stop pretending to hate him.

I wish stupid things.

Stupid things that will never happen no matter how much I wish for them to.

Magic isn't real, I know it isn't. So wishing does jack shit.

I could always just break it off with him. Tell him I don't hate him like that anymore, that we can still strife if he wants, but the romance is gone.

It was never really there in the first place.

I could always tell him some bullshit excuse about how I think I might be black for someone else. Or that it just wasn't working out between us.

But I could never get up enough nerve to actually say it.

I'd be too afraid that he'd leave me for good if I did. And I would hate it if he left me.

So I'll just keep trying, trying to change his mind about me. Make him see how much I care about him.

I think I'll just wait this out a little bit longer then...

"ED, we need to talk." you hate this part. The part where you have to tell him the truth. He's gonna hate you even more now.

"Wwhat do you wwant Sol." he adds a sigh at the end to be dramatic. Gog you love that about him. Not that you know what love is really, but whatever.

"We can't be black anymore." you whisper, looking away from him. You just can't bear to see the look on his face right now.

"Wwhy the fuck not?!" he shouts at you. This is what you were afraid of.

"You and I both know neither of uth feel that way anymore. It's just platonic hate." you try to explain. You think you're just making him even more mad at you.

It's not like you lied...per say, you just didn't tell the whole truth.

So what if you were never black for the hipster douche? So what if you used that as an excuse to kiss him? It's not like it went any further then just sloppy makeouts anyways.

He's been silent for a while now, and you're unsure what to do now.

You want to tell him you're flushed, but you have no idea how he would react to that.

You're pretty sure he just hates you right now.

"Sol...I..." he starts to say something, and you look up at him to see his face flushed a nice purple hue. He looks adorable. You wish he'd take his glasses off more though, because he would look so much better without that stupid glass hiding his gorgeous eyes.

"It'th whatever ED. Don't worry about it." you mumbled quickly before rushing back to your hive and slamming the door shut.

...

"Aradia, what am I gonna do? I don't even think I can face him after that!" you shout at your moirail. You feel kinda bad for dragging her into this, it's YOUR problem anyways. But she's always eager to help out, so you guess it's okay.

"I think you should tell him." she mumbles softly. You stare at her for a few moments before sighing loudly and flopping on the couch next to her.

"I don't think I can."

"Would you like it better if I told him?" she offers. You think about it for a moment, weighing the pros and cons of this option.

"I think...yeah...that'd be better."

...

This was a stupid idea. A really stupid idea and you have no idea why you're going through with it.

Because Aradia is your moirail and she knows whats best for you.

You think.

"Feferi, do you think I can talk to Eridan for a moment?" Aradia is actually going to do this, you realize. She is actually going to speak with Eridan about your feelings for him.

"Actaully, I don't think now is a good time, he's still really upset about the thing with Solly." You barely hear Feferi answer. You feel terrible for hurting Eridan like that.

"That's what I'm here to talk to him about, actually." your moirail explains. You decide last second that this was a stupid plan, and like everything else, you are bailing last minute and going with plan B.

"You know what, no. I'm going in there and talking to him about it mythelf." You come out from your hiding spot behind a bush and march straight up the steps to Eridans hive.

"Sollux, are you sure about this?" Aradia asks worriedly. You nod quickly and push past Feferi before she can protest.

She doesn't follow and you think that's best.

"ED? Where are you?" you make your way through the darkened hive and bump into several different things.

"Sol...?" you hear him sniffle your name and move towards his voice.

"I came to talk to you about...about what happened..." you run into a table and curse softly. You think you might have heard him snicker at that, but you can't be sure.

"Wwhat." you finally realize he's in a pile when you come closer to where his voice is and notice he's on the floor.

"Can I join you?" you ask timidly, unsure if he will say yes or no.

He hesitates before answering.

"Uh...sure."

You climb over the pile of wands and pull yourself up to him. He's cold to the touch, due to his caste, but you feel warmth shoot up your arm when it meets his.

"ED I'm thorry." you whisper.

You're close enough to him to see his eyes glowing in the dark and you move just a little bit closer.

"I didn't mean...to make you tho upthet." you mumble. Your psyonics glow slightly and you can see his face. You stare at his lips for several seconds before your gaze return to his.

"Sol, I havve to tell you something." he whispers faintly. He opens his mouth to start talking again, but you take that moment to connect your lips.

Gog you missed this.

But it's so much sweeter because your not both fighting for dominance, and there's no biting. It's just soft and sweet.

And you love every second of it.

Before he realizes what's happening and he pulls away from you.

"Sollux, you broke it off remember?" he uses your full name, and that makes your blood pusher hurt slightly.

"Yeah, but I didn't tell you the whole reathon why." you take a deep breath before you force the words out. "I'm flushed for you, thtupid."

"Wwait, wwhat?"

"I'm. Flushed. For. You."

You move to stand and leave, but he reaches out and takes your hand in his. He pulls you back into the pile and you land with an oof on top of him.

"Sol, I think I lovve you." he mumbles, and you don't have any time to register what he said before his lips are on yours again and you lose yourself.

So what if you never felt black for him to begin with, you're with him now, and that's all that matters.

...

Heyo! Sick person writing fanfiction.

Doctors say it might actually help out a little bit, but I'm only allowed on the computer an hour a day. Which sucks.

Well whatever, hope you liked it! Leave a review?