This is a character I invented, or rather adapted to voice my own opinions on various situations in the show. He is an outspoken, clever manipulator who will go to any means to get what it is he seeks. Often times, however, for one reason or another he accepts cases from enraged fangirls or anime enthusiasts. Please enjoy and if you agree or disagree let me know
"Who are you?" Hattori Heiji asked me with a confused expression
"My name is Matthew Gallion and I'm a U.S attorney" the tan-skinned teenager looked at me strangely and I felt as if he wanted an explanation "My guess is you want to know why I'm here"
"You're a United States lawyer on my doorstep at nine-thirty at night, I think an explanation would be appropriate" it was true, it was pretty weird for someone from a country an ocean away to be on this Japanese guy's doorstep, but I had a job to do and I was gonna do it
"Alright here's the deal, a group in California that goes by the acronym F.G.O.W.H.A.K-"
"Wait F.G.O.W.H.A.K?" I tried to keep it a secret but this guy just had to be a homo about it so…
"Fan Girls Obsessed With Heiji and Kazuha, it's a coalition of women ranging of ages ten to thirty that all have one thing in common, they want you and that girl Toyama Kazuha to become an item" now I really had him scared, he could hardly even comprehend what I told him
"Wait so these…"
"Fangirls bro, they're fangirls. You know, crazy ass women that chase after fictional cartoon people because they want to live out their own sick fantasies" this kid was now officially scared out of his mind which honestly made me laugh. But I'm a professional so I kept it to myself
"Right, so they want me and K-Kazuha to….no, NO!" of course the reaction didn't surprise. After all, the case file said this guy had been avoiding this issue since he was practically in diapers
"Don't be such a bitch about it, be a man"
"W-What? What are y-"
"queer"
"Huh?"
"queer" Now I had him goin'. Over the years I've found that teenage guys respond best to completely nonsensical crap talk
"Stop that! Look we're just friends and how do so many people in America know about her. I mean I know I'm famous for being a detective"
"Oh get over yourself, you're a f***ing hardy boy. Now listen, I'm here because those girls have filed a lawsuit against you"
"A lawsuit!"
"Yeah that's right bitch a lawsuit because in America when we don't like someone or something, we sue them and take their money and dignity" I bet you think that's a joke
"They can't just sue me for not…wait what do they want me to do exactly" Okay now I understand why those girls said this guy was an idiot
"Ask her out you f***in' moron! How hard is this!"
"Look we're just friends alright, so go tell those fangirls or whatever that-"
"How about you tell them in court, when they're putting you in jail because you don't have sufficient funds to pay for the suit. Look man, this isn't a huge deal just go over to her house or whatever and say 'Hey, I like you wanna go out?' See? Not that hard"
"But I don't like her like t-"
"queer"
"Again with this?"
"queer"
"What does that even mean?"
"Well it could just an inconsequential insult. Or it could be a derogatory term meaning you're an idiot. Or I could actually be making a remark about your sexuality which wouldn't be too off considering you refuse to ask that smokin' hot girl out"
"Talk about her like that again and I'll bash your head in with one of my practice katanas"
"I rest my case"
"Shut up"
"queer"
"Okay fine, so say I were to tell her I like her, would that make all this go away" I couldn't help but smile. After all, I was the best at what I did. If this guy had any cultural awareness he wouldn't know that I'm just a comedian with a T.V show that centers on my pretend attorney character gong to A-list celebrities and corporate heads and 'suing' them. Luckily, this guy lives in his own little box in Japan which is odd considering how smart he's supposed to be
"Hey man I never said anything about that, all I said was that you had to ask her out. But considering you like her anyway I would recommend mentioning that when you ask her"
"Shut up I never said I like her, I just..."
"Doesn't matter, so do we have a deal?"
"So all I have to do is ask her out?"
"That's the gist of it. So what do you say, is it a date?" teenagers are really stupid aren't they? Hell this whole ploy wouldn't have even been needed if he had a brain or she had a spine, but I digress
"I'll get my shoes" Damn right you will. Another pair of lovers brought together and another million fans satisfied thanks to me, Matt Gallion: Attorney at Law