A/N: There are game end Mass Effect 3 spoilers in this story. And there will be more chapters to come.

Chapter 1: My Captain Doesn't Answer

Her fingers grazed the nameplate reverently. Commander John Shepard. The makeshift marker of his death was well done. It was good. She glanced at the wall, at the name of Admiral David Anderson. A good man, whose death would be felt. But not today. Ashley Williams was feeling something else today.

At first, there was despair. When he'd forced her to go, made her leave him behind again, she lost all hope of his survival. As the Normandy sped away from London, leaving him there, she had crumpled to the floor in the cargo bay and simply sobbed. She didn't know how long. Liara had sat with her, also crying. They were two women who knew the truth - that was the last time they would see John Shepard.

Numbness came after, after she'd somehow made it to the medbay on her own two feet. Her physical injuries were minimal. Her struggle came from simply trying to move her legs, one in front of the other. She had forgotten how to walk. Or perhaps she simply hadn't cared to remember in that moment. She barely saw or heard Dr. Chakwas as she examined her. If she spoke, Ashley hadn't responded.

Anger quickly followed the audible order from Admiral Hackett to leave entirely. She had jumped up, wailed her objection to no one, and then, realizing how utterly helpless she was, sat again. She was broken. Undone.

It had taken the crew less than 24 hours to fix the damage on the Normandy. The hull was unbreached, and the systems were mostly functional. They had lost EDI. No one was really sure why. Joker was silently beside himself. The whole crew seemed to be walking around in a daze. Traynor was working to get communications up and running, but there was no guarantee that anyone would answer. There was no guarantee that anyone was even alive.

No matter what happens here today, I'll always love you.

She took a deep, shaky breath and blinked away a threatening tear, keeping her gaze on the nameplate. And then her lips moved.

"No," She spoke softly, so softly she wasn't even sure she had said it aloud.

There was silence around her. She felt Garrus' hand touch her shoulder, and she could feel the entire crew watching her, waiting for her to say something else.

"No," She said, stronger and with more defiance. She felt Garrus' taloned fingers tighten comfortingly on her shoulder.

"Williams," he said quietly.

She turned to meet his sad eyes. "Not yet." It was nearly a plea, a desperate wish that someone would understand. He stared at her a moment, looked as if he was going to try to convince her, and then he broke eye contact and nodded.

"It's okay," he comforted. "We don't have to do this now."

Liara approached, and Ashley's eyes pleaded with her. "I can't," she said.

"I know,' Liara whispered, a tear falling onto her cheek.

"Not until I know for sure." She stared at Liara, and finally Liara smiled sadly and nodded.

"You know," Joker spoke as he approached them. "You're technically in charge now, Lieutenant Commander." He shrugged sadly, his eyes still empty with sorrow. "The Normandy is ready. We'll go where you tell us to."

She smiled, and then glanced around at the other crew members, who all seemed to be looking agreeable. She nodded at them, swallowed her emotions and found her voice, strong and authoritative. "Set a course, Joker. We're going to back to London."

With that she felt she could no longer stand there, no longer look at that wall. She strode out, passed the crew and made her way to the elevator, heading for deck 1.

When she was alone she closed her eyes, imagined his face, his smile, his final words to her one last time. And then she spoke again. To herself. To him.

"Not yet."