A/N: So, this fic starts at the end of ESB and works its way through the events of TFA. Just a warning, this thing has a lot of pretty big time jumps in between sections, mostly to avoid it getting repetitive. Also, I haven't read any of the extended universe stuff, I haven't read Bloodlines (though I have seen a few basic plot details), and I'm trying to stay away from spoilers. So if anything in here doesn't mesh with any of those things, I apologize. I also apologize for any spelling/grammar errors. I've read through this thing at least five times, but I don't have a beta reader, so I'm sure they're still there somewhere. Also, the title is taken from a poem by Khalil Gibran Anyway, enjoy!
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He falls.
It's a long way down, far enough that he forgets what he's trying to escape from. He tries to figure out why in the world he thought this was such a good idea as he notices a tiny hole, miles beneath him but getting closer by the second, that seems to empty into nothing but clouds. The light shining through the hole gets brighter, and the hole itself gets bigger, until suddenly he's falling through open air. He's angled so that he'll end up falling onto a weather vane, which makes him relax a little, though only slightly. He tries to manipulate the Force to soften his landing, but adrenaline is still pumping through his veins, and the abrupt stop jars him. As he settles down, he feels something slip past him. He glances downward to watch his lightsaber fall into the clouds below him.
Not my lightsaber, he remembers, feeling a wave of nausea overtake him that has nothing to do with the heights. My … father's.
He shakes his head, pushing that thought to the back of his mind. He can't think about that right now. He pulls himself upward with his hand - the only one still attached, he realizes as his stomach lurches again. After a fair deal of maneuvering, he manages to stand and reaches his hand up to try to get back to the opening he fell out of. He hears a whirring sound and watches as a cover moves upward, slipping just past his hand and closing up the hole with a final, dull thud.
If you choose to face Vader, you will do it alone. I cannot interfere. He curses himself in his head, remembering the last words Ben said to him. They were both right, Ben and Yoda, damn them. He hadn't been ready for this fight, not by a long shot. Still, he thinks, it might not hurt to try. "Ben … please," he whispers, hoping against hope that the old dead Jedi would shimmer into existence to save him.
After a few moments of listening to the wind whip past him, he reaches upward again, balancing on his tiptoes. Just a little bit closer - but a gust of wind comes up from behind him, knocking him off balance. He slams down onto the vane, hanging from his knees, finally feeling exhaustion begin to overtake him. "Ben," he tries again, desperation in his voice. He waits, but still nothing. A voice in the back of his head tells him that it's hopeless, that this is the end of him, and for a moment he almost believes it.
And then he remembers Leia.
She had to have made it out - he refuses to even consider another possibility. In the Falcon, he thinks, he'd seen it on his way in. Leia isn't just clever, she's ruthless, too; she'd have figured a way to get out of here that didn't involve falling down a hole in the floor.
"Leia," he rasps, his voice almost gone. He lists back and forth with the wind, his strength diminishing as he hangs from the vane. "Hear me." He pulls himself upward - not enough to sit, just enough to feel himself steady. "Leia," he breathes one final time, wondering just how long he has before he finds himself following the path of his lightsaber - down, down, down …
They fly low, close to the clouds, trying to find a place to emerge from the underbelly of Cloud City and get off-planet. She sits in the pilot's seat, in Han's seat, a hollow feeling growing in the pit or her stomach that reminds her of how she'd felt after she'd seen Alderaan destroyed. That feeling of emptiness permeates her as she watches the clouds zoom by. It really is a beautiful view, she realizes, almost serene. Maybe she could enjoy it if the rest of her day hadn't been filled with so many horrors. The scene in the cryo chamber keeps replaying itself in her head, over and over, no matter how hard she tries to focus on something else. She closes her eyes, inhaling deeply. It's been a long time since she's had to work this hard to keep her composure, but she'll be damned if she loses it now.
Leia, she hears, a raspy voice echoing in through the cabin.
She turns her head slightly, glancing over at Lando. But his back is to her. He's absorbed in the control panel.
Hear me.
Sleep deprivation, she thinks. She hasn't gotten a full night's sleep since before they left Hoth, and it's taking its toll on her. She glances out to the clouds again and grips the armrests firmly, attempting to slow her breathing. She cannot have a breakdown now.
Leia, she hears again in her head, a last, desperate plea, and this time she recognizes the voice.
"Luke," she mutters, suddenly feeling very far away from herself. A panic overtakes her, Luke's panic, she realizes, and his exhaustion weighs down on her shoulders. "We've got to go back," she says, turning to Chewie.
He groans, a question.
"I know where Luke is," she replies, uncertain of how exactly she knows this, but completely certain that she does. She fiddles with a few of the notches of the dashboard and takes control of the ship, a new energy surging through her.
"But what about those fighters?" Lando asks from behind her.
"Chewie, just do it."
"But what about -" Lando starts in again, but is cut off by one of Chewie's howls. "Alright, alright." He backs away, and Chewie helps her turn the Falcon around, heading back toward where they came from. She understands Lando's protests - she certainly doesn't want to go anywhere near Darth Vader and his goon squad again - but she is not going to lose someone else today, not if there's anything she can do about it.
They rise, steadily getting closer to the underbelly of the city, weaving in and out of the weather vanes hanging down around them. Chewie lets her take control of weaving through the maze while Lando paces restlessly behind them. She still isn't sure how she knows where she's going, but the knot in her stomach seems to be guiding her, getting tighter the closer they get to Luke. "Look," Lando says, pointing above her head. "Someone's up there."
He's right, she realizes, glancing in the direction Lando's pointing. She sees a figure sitting near the ceiling hanging above them, recklessly swinging back and forth. "That's Luke," she says, heaving a sigh of relief. "Chewie, slow down. We'll get under him." They slow the Falcon down and begin to raise it up. "Lando, go open the top hatch." She hears Lando trod back down the hall as she and Chewie steer up to where Luke is perched. Her heart skips a beat when she watches him fall, but he slams down onto another rung she hadn't realized was there. She watches him maneuver himself, very awkwardly, into a more comfortable position. Something's wrong, she realizes, but she pushes the thought away. She found him. That's all that matters right now. "Okay, easy, Chewie," she says, passing just underneath and past the vane Luke hangs from. Once they bring the Falcon to a stop, the moments of silence as they wait are torture. It takes everything she has not to jump up from her chair, let Chewie take over, and run back to see Luke.
She hears the hatch slam shut, and Lando yells "I've got him!" back down toward the cockpit. The tension drains out of her, and she glances over at Chewie as he turns the Falcon back around. He nods, giving her a small noise of assurance, and she smiles at him. "Thank you," she says, letting go of the controls and running down the hallway.
Lando is wrapping him in a blanket when she walks in. His eyes are heavy, he's breathing hard, and his clothes are ripped in odd places. He glances up at her, and even though she can guess just how shitty he must be feeling, he smiles at her, his eyes lighting up the same way they always do. She walks over to him and pulls him into a hug. An arm wraps around her, and it doesn't so much feel like a hug as it does him leaning on her so he doesn't collapse from exhaustion. Still, she feels the same warmth flood her body that always does whenever she hugs him. As he pulls away, she feels something shift deep inside her, like the last tumbler in a lock finally sliding into place. He pauses, his eyes locked with hers - he'd felt it too, whatever it was. Lando comes to guide Luke into the med bay, and Leia smiles weakly at him as he goes, hoping he knows how grateful she is to have him back.
"Everybody ready to make the descent?" Luke asks his squadron once Jabba's palace appears on his scanners.
"Red Seven, ready for descent," a voice says, and the rest of the squadron sounds off. He's just about to make the descent when he hears -
Something's not right here.
"Leia?" Luke asks out loud, slightly bewildered.
"Did the princess come on the comms?" one of his squadron members asks.
"Did she?" he mutters, mostly to himself. "Alright, Red Squadron, descent in three … two … one … go."
"That'd be a negative on the princess," comes Admiral Ackbar's voice from back at the base as Luke aims his X-wing toward the ground. "She left about ten minutes ago with Threepio. Said it was urgent."
Luke, something's up. I can feel it.
Luke bits his lip, an awkward feeling creeping into his stomach as he says, "Not that I don't trust you, Leia, but could you be a bit more specific?"
She doesn't respond. Luke feels his stomach sink. "You got a personal line to the princess, there, Skywalker?" teases another member of the squadron.
Luke rolls his eyes, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He reaches up and flips the switch to turn his microphone off. He takes a deep breath, then tries again, this time sending his voice out to her using the Force. "Leia, what are you talking about?"
He waits, still descending, watching another one of Jabba's palaces grow larger and larger as he gets closer. He feels more than a little ridiculous talking to no one until he hears Leia's voice in his head again. This just - feels off. It took us months to find all of Jabba's other bases, and we find this one in less than two weeks, just sitting here defenseless, practically asking to be attacked? This has to be some kind of trap.
"You can't know that for certain."
There's something else, Leia's voice comes again, this time almost immediately. We just scanned the base for life readings. No one's there.
"That doesn't mean Han isn't. We don't know if he'll show up as a life form in the state he's in."
Luke can sense hesitation from Leia before she responds. Wouldn't Jabba have some kind of security if Han was there? Trust me, Luke, something is going -
She stops suddenly, as if whatever signal Luke had tapped into had suddenly cut out. It's jarring, more than he would have expected it to be. "Leia?" he asks, the feeling of ridiculousness creeping back into the cabin. He hopes this isn't some kind of weird hallucination, a result of the serious lack of sleep he'd been getting over the past few months.
Luke, get out of there. Now.
"What?" Luke asks, disturbed by the level of urgency in Leia's voice. "Why?"
Just DO IT! she practically shouts at him.
Luke flips his microphone back on and yells, "Red Squadron, pull out!" in the middle of one of Wedge's' jokes about "Two Hutts, a Jedi, and a Wookiee walk into a bar." He hears several variations on his own protests to Leia, but just repeats himself and yanks upward on his controls, pulling out the dive.
"You wanna explain what that was about?" Luke asks once they've all got themselves turned around and headed back toward their base. He's honestly not sure who he's expecting to get an answer from.
"Scouts on the ground found a detonation device that emitted a low-level electromagnetic field of 300 klicks in all directions." It's Leia's voice that answers him, through the comms this time and not - however she'd done it before. Through the Force? "Anything that came inside of that would have been ripped to shreds."
Luke feels a chill run down his spine. He been so busy talking to Leia he hadn't been paying attention to specifics. "How close were we when we pulled out?"
"308 klicks."
Several of the pilots swear over the comms. "You saved us, Leia," Luke says quietly.
You bet your ass I did, Leia's voice invades his head again. Luke chuckles, watching their base come into view. You owe me big time, Skywalker.
Three hours.
That's how long they've been sitting in the Falcon staring at each other, trying to make their weird Force communication (Luke wanted to call it telepathy but Leia had vetoed that almost immediately) happen again. At first Luke had tried to help Leia relax enough to get in tune with the Force, but she snapped at him every time he'd tried, so the two of them had ended up lapsing into awkward silence. Luke stares at his sister, who's had her eyes closed in a look of concentration for the better part of an hour. He's starting to wonder if she'd fallen asleep when an image fills his mind, something that feels like a memory but is most certainly not his. Someone's mouth is on his, hot and wet. Large, callused hands are trailing down his back, and he reaches up to tug at whoever he's kissing's hair. A very familiar voice sighs Leia against his mouth, and it's that moment that he realizes exactly what's happening.
"Leia!" Luke shouts, instantly shutting down the connection between them. He buries his face in his hands, rubbing at his eyes in some futile attempt to scrub the image Leia had sent him out of his mind. "What the hell was that?"
He hears movement coming from Leia's direction that he assumes is her shrugging. "I got a bit distracted," she says, matter-of-factly.
"So you thought it was a good idea to try and send me that?" Luke asks, finally risking a glance up at Leia.
"Hey, it worked, didn't it?"
"Yeah, and now I'm scarred for life!" He stands, turning his gaze toward the window. He can't look at Leia anymore. But apparently, he can't look at Han anymore, either. Han is standing right where Luke looks first, and Luke shudders involuntarily, Leia's memory of just where Han's hands had been going still fresh in his mind. "I'm never gonna be able to get that image out of my head," he mutters, shaking his head and looking down at the floor.
"Well, at least some good came out of it," Leia says from behind him, her voice smug.
"Oh, yeah? Like what?" he replies, turning around to face his sister, who has a triumphant expression on her face.
Like this.
It's the oddest thing he's ever experienced. He can hear Leia's voice, clear as day. But her mouth stays closed.
Pretty impressive, huh, farm boy.
Oh, quit calling me that, he shoots back, realizing halfway through that his mouth isn't moving either. Have you been doing this the whole time? he asks. She nods. Okay, I will admit to being mildly impressed.
Thank you.
"What are you two weirdos doing?" Han asks as he shuffles into the cockpit. Luke glances down at the floor again, still unable to look Han in the eye without remembering Leia's - was it a memory, he wonders? Or simply Leia's imagination? He can't decide which one he thinks is worse.
"Just staring at each other, mostly," Leia replies. Luke glances back up at his sister, raising an eyebrow. Han plops down in the seat Luke abandoned and begins fiddling with some of the controls. You're not gonna tell him? he asks Leia.
Nah, she replies. He doesn't care much about this "Force mumbo-jumbo," as he calls it. And how exactly am I supposed to explain this, anyway?
She does have a point, Luke thinks, nodding. Han stands. "I'll see you tonight, then, Princess?" he says, glancing down at Leia.
She smiles widely. "Yes you will, General," she replies, a glint in her eyes that makes Luke uneasy.
Do I even want to know? Luke asks as Han presses a kiss to the top of Leia's head and walks out of the cockpit.
Leia thinks for a moment, then smiles. Judging by your reaction to - The same image as before floods his brain, and Luke turns on his heels and follows Han down the hallway, almost out of the Falcon before he hears Leia finish, Probably not, and he can hear the smirk she must be wearing on her face.
Oh. My. God.
Is something wrong, Leia?
Luke? Was I talking to you?
Uh, yeah. That's why I answered.
Oh. Sorry. Han was just -
No offense, sis, but I really don't think I need to hear the end of that sentence.
… You're probably right.
I wonder if she likes me.
Luke, everyone likes you.
Leia?
Uh, yeah.
Oh. Oops.
I thought you were the one that was supposed to have more control over this than I was.
I am. It's harder to control when my emotions are going crazy.
I see. So, are you gonna tell me about this girl, or … ?
Well, I'm pretty sure I just blew whatever chance I had with her.
Oh, come on. You're Luke Skywalker, savior of the galaxy. I thought girls were falling all over you.
Not this one.
I can't figure you out. One day you're upset because girls won't leave you alone, the next you're upset because one of them won't talk to you.
I just - I don't know. She just blew me off.
Well then, go after her. Let her get to know you. I wasn't lying when I said everyone likes you.
Are you sure?
Yes, dumbass.
Alright.
You're welcome, by the way.
I wonder if any of these guys would agree to vote for this bill if I slept with them.
Um … what?
Oh my God, Luke, did you hear that? I am so sorry.
Can we just agree to pretend that this never happened?
You mean like that time we kissed each other?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Thank you.
Are you sure you don't want lessons or -
Luke, we've talked about this. I respect what you do, and I won't stop you. But I don't want anything to do with it.
Not even a little bit of control?
I can figure this out on my own.
Okay.
Don't get sarcastic with me. I have a semi-permanent place in your head and can annoy you whenever I want.
I knew there was a reason I never wanted siblings growing up.
Oh, fuck off.
Leia knows the war is finally over when she finds herself at her third gala in less than two weeks. She's dressed up, her elegant gown flowing behind her and her hair done up in her trademark intricate braids. She wouldn't have traded anything for her years with the Rebellion, but it's nice to feel like the princess she knows she is. She smiles as she walks around the room, hugging and talking to old friends she hasn't seen since she joined the Rebellion. There are a few rebel faces in the crowd, but they simply smile at her from across the room as they do their own socializing. Without them to talk to, it almost seems like this could be five years ago, before she met Luke and Han, before Alderaan's destruction, before any of it - back when she'd just been a teenage princess-turned-senator from a wealthy planet trying to get some respect from her colleagues.
The gala tonight is just one of the hundreds that will be taking place across the galaxy, as word makes its way to each planet of the defeat of the Galactic Empire. Tonight's host welcomes them, giving a toast to the Rebel Alliance and praising the efforts of the New Republic. He nods and gestures over to Leia as he says this. She smiles demurely, her eyes darting to the floor just as she was taught to. A near-deafening round of applause follows the Senator's words, which nearly brings Leia to tears. She's dreamed of moments like this her whole life, and she knows it's worth everything it took to get here.
At least, it would be, if she didn't have her brother complaining to her in her head every five minutes.
Who is this again? Luke asks her, five minutes into their conversation with the Queen of Naboo.
For the third time, this is the Queen of Naboo, she replies, trying and failing not to sound too snippy. I thought you'd be more interested in her. Our mother was from Naboo, you know.
She hears Luke heave a dramatic sigh next to her, which the young queen thankfully doesn't notice. Yeah, but she's not our mother. Leia rolls her eyes, trying to pay attention as the queen prattles on about some new conflict that's arisen in her council. If Leia's being honest with herself, she's as bored as Luke with the conversation, but she at least knows better than to let it show as obviously as he is. She's a princess and a senator - she does have some sense of diplomacy. Eventually, the queen notices some ambassador friend of hers she hasn't seen in ages and leaves the two of them alone, though not before trying to flirt with Luke one more time before she leaves.
Luke runs a hand through his hair once the queen is gone, shaking his head. "I still don't -" he begins to say out loud before he's cut off by a loud, booming voice.
"Princess Leia Organa!" she hears from behind her, a voice she hasn't heard since before the Rebellion. She turns around to see a large, barrel-chested man with a long, scruffy beard making his way toward her. Her face breaks into a smile, and she walks towards him as well. She remembers him from her days in the Imperial Senate - he'd been her first mentor, the first one to offer her any sort of guidance. She racks her brain trying to remember his name. "How long has it been?" he asks as he pulls her into a bear hug. "And who's this handsome gent on your arm?"
Leia withdraws from the hug, feeling her cheeks flush. She's used to the reaction - most people think her and Luke are involved when they first see the two of them together - but it doesn't make her feel any less uncomfortable. "Actually, this is my brother, Luke Skywalker," she replies, gesturing behind her to Luke, who waves awkwardly.
The senator's eyes shoot up, obviously impressed. "Skywalker, eh? So you're the one we have to thank for all this?"
Luke smiles bashfully, glancing downward. He still isn't used to all the attention, she knows. "In a manner of speaking, I suppose," he replies. Who the hell is this guy? he sends her.
She's hoping his asking will kick her memory into gear, but nope - she still can't remember his name. He's one of my mentors from when I was in the Senate, she tells him as her old mentor goes in to hug Luke. Leia has to stop herself from giggling at the expression of panic on Luke's face.
The senator eventually lets Luke go, then starts in on a story about one of Leia's first days on the job. I still don't get why you never bring Han along to these things, Luke tells her.
Are you kidding me? she asks, giggling at the story the senator is telling. You think Han would be able to survive five minutes in a place like this without shooting something?
Luke sighs loudly again, but he's smiling and laughing in all the right places as he listens to the story, so at least he's paying attention. After Leia and the senator whose name she still can't remember play catch-up for ten minutes or so (with Luke standing impatiently in the background), he leaves them in search of more wine.
"Would you stop acting like you're in physical pain every time someone talks to us?" Leia asks as soon as she's sure the senator is out of earshot. "I know you've survived worse than this."
"Well, sorry I can't hide my boredom as well as you can," Luke snarks at her, his eyes wandering, probably in search of the refreshment table. Or maybe an exit.
Leia's jaw drops. "I'm not bored," she replies, offended.
Luke gives her an unimpressed look, one eyebrow raised. "I'm a Jedi, Leia. I can feel your emotions."
She rolls her eyes. She hates it when he does that, and he knows she hates it when he does that. Which is probably why he continues to do it, Leia realizes. "I know this isn't as exciting as a rebel mission, but can you at least pretend like you're enjoying yourself? Just a little?"
Once again, Luke sighs, staring at the floor. "Fine," he mutters.
Leia smiles, feeling smug. "Thank you." Just then, she glimpses a senator from Hosnian Prime, one she'd been waiting to see ever since she'd gotten the invite. She gasps and grabs Luke's hand, practically running after the senator as Luke trails behind her. She finally manages to catch up with him and his entourage, introducing herself and her brother.
Um, who is this guy?
Even though she knows this time his question is warranted, he's asked it so many times tonight she can't help but be annoyed at him. He's a senator from Hosnian Prime, she replies, watching the senator shake Luke's hand and thank him for his service, which Leia thinks is a little excessive, but she'll take it.
And why did we just chase him halfway across the room?
I need to get his vote for a treaty we're trying to pass in the Senate, she sends back to him. It's quiet in her head for a while, which makes Leia think that's the last of their private conversation, but then -
I thought planet leaders were the only ones who could ratify treaties.
This time, it's Leia's turn to sigh, although she will admit to being a little impressed. She was under the impression that Luke's knowledge of interplanetary politics was next to nothing. This isn't Tatooine, Luke. Politics in the Hosnian system are incredibly complex. If even one person doesn't vote the way we expect them to, this entire treaty could tank.
But this guy's a moron, Luke sends back, and Leia can't help but give him an astonished glance.
Moron or not, we still need his vote.
Ugh.
Quit whining, Luke.
She thinks that's the end of it - until he starts singing in her head.
And not any song, either - the songs they'd learned from the Ewoks while they were on Endor. They'd been cute enough for a few days, but by the time they'd let, Leia had wanted to pull her hair out every time the little fuzzballs started singing. She's not sure what she's done to deserve this kind of torture. She tries to drown Luke out, focusing on what the senator is saying to her, but she quickly realizes just how accurate Luke's assessment of him was. His ignorance is almost frightening. She's not sure if it's her imagination, but Luke seems to have figured out volume control, and the Ewok songs are getting louder, almost drowning out the senator's words. She makes herself stare at him, hoping she's not making him uncomfortable, but the songs keep getting louder, and finally, she's had enough.
"Luke, if you do not shut up right this second, I swear to every god in the galaxy that we will not leave until we have talked to every single person here!"
It's only after she sees Luke's horrified expression, after the words have left her mouth, that Leia realizes she actually said it, that she didn't just send her words into the Force like she'd meant to. Her stomach drops to her toes, and she turns slowly back toward the senator, dreading looking him in the eye.
The senator's expression is somewhere near disgust and contempt. Not exactly what she was expecting, but nowhere near fixable. He storms away without a word, his entourage following closely behind him, giving her judgmental glances as they retreat.
"So I guess you're not getting that vote, then?"
She whips her head back around to glare at her brother. She hopes all his Jedi training allows him to feel the sheer force of her wrath. "I need a drink," she says coldly. She stomps toward the refreshment table without a backward glance, and she can hear Luke chuckling to himself as she goes.
So how's the temple building going, Skywalker?
I mean, it's going. You know I don't have much to do with the actual building part of it, right?
You mean they don't make you lift all the big heavy stuff they don't want to carry?
Nope. And that's probably for the best, honestly. The last time I tried to lift something heavy, it just fell further into the swamp.
You know, sometimes you say things and I have no idea what you're talking about.
Oh, I know.
You are so obnoxious.
That's what big brothers are for.
You were only born five minutes before I was. Quit playing the whole 'big brother' angle.
It still means I'm older than you.
You know what, I'm out. I won't be harassed like this in my own head.
No, Leia - don't leave! … Leia? Leia?
I'm so proud of you.
Thanks, Luke. Although, if you keep trying to talk to me, I'm gonna end up doing something stupid like say the wrong name or mess up my vows.
I just wanted you to know.
Then let me know when I can give you a real hug and actually tell you how much I love you.
I love you, too.
The Chancellor's voice echoes throughout the massive Senate chamber. Though Luke and Leia are seated fairly close to where the Chancellor is giving his speech, Luke can tell that the microphone attached to the podium is hardly necessary. The Chancellor's voice is powerful, and no matter how much Luke disagrees with what he's saying, he can't deny that it's hard to stop listening.
I'm still not 100 percent sure why I have to be here, Luke sends his sister about halfway through the Chancellor's speech on the possible dangers of opening a new Jedi school.
They just want to hear what your plans are for the new temple, Leia replies, shifting in her seat. I mean, after what Vader did to the last one, can you really blame them?
I'm not Vader.
I know that, and I've told them as much. But they need … insurance, I guess. Some kind of liability check to cover their own asses.
Luke rolls his eyes, sinking further into his chair. This is ridiculous.
Trust me, I know. The bitterness in his sister's voice comes through loud and strong. Out of nowhere, Leia inhales sharply, her hands wrapping around her stomach.
Are you alright? Luke asks. That's not the first time I've seen you do that today.
Yeah, I think so. I read somewhere it's normal to have a few cramps during the first trimester of a pregnancy.
"What?" Luke practically shouts, his head snapping around to look at Leia. Her mouth is wide open in an expression of horror. Slowly, her hands go up to her face, and she slinks down into her chair. Shit shit shit shit, he can hear from her, a reflection of his own thoughts at the moment. The chamber has gone dead quiet. Luke turns his head back to the front slowly to find every senator in the room staring at the two of them with varying degrees of disgust.
"Is there something wrong, Master Skywalker?" the Chancellor asks, his words dripping with impatience.
Luke swallows hard, doing his best to ignore the daggers he can feel being shot at him."Um, no, Your Excellency," he says, noticing that his voice sounds just a bit higher than normal. "Everything is fine. I'm so sorry for the interruption. Please, continue." He gives a weak smile, and most of the senators turn back around to face the Chancellor, though the annoyance in the chamber only decreases slightly. The Chancellor gives him one final glare before resuming his speech. You're … pregnant? he asks, stealing a glance at his sister.
Her face is still buried in her hands. Leia peeks out at him through her fingers. No?
Luke raises an eyebrow at her, and she covers her eyes again and pushes herself back into her chair as if trying to becoming a part of it. How long have you known? he asks, turning back to the Chancellor to try to ease some of her discomfort.
A month or so.
Luke lets that sink in. A month. In the past month they'd flown to three different planets trying to gather support for his new Jedi school. Leia had been working nonstop trying to convince the Senate to let Luke speak today. She and Han had moved into a house just a few blocks from the Senate building, and they'd been helping Luke try to find a place to live as well. And all that time, Leia had been carrying around that secret. Have you told Han yet? he asks gingerly. He doesn't look at her, but he can hear her sliding farther down in her chair, and she doesn't answer him. He takes that as a no. Why not?
She sighs. It's … complicated.
I'm not going anywhere.
He can feel the annoyance she reserves only for him pop up inside of her, along with a wave of a thousand other emotions he can't identify. It's a long time before she says anything. I haven't told Han because - well, we haven't ever really … talked about this kind of thing before. I just - I don't know how he'll respond to it.
Are you afraid of how he'll react?
No, but - Leia pauses again, and out of the corner of his eye, Luke sees her lean her head against the back of her chair. You know how Han is. He's here for three days, and then he's gone for another two weeks doing God only knows what. And that's okay. It's our system, and it works. We're both okay with it because we know we're doing the things we're best at, doing things we love. But a baby - that complicates everything. I - she stops again, and Luke sees her hands go back up to her face. What if this is too much for him? What if he doesn't want it?
Luke doesn't know how to respond to that. The whole thing is almost too much for him to process. I'm going to be an uncle, he realizes, which makes his stomach twist into an even tighter knot. He glances over at Leia again, and he can see her struggling to keep her tears in. He reaches over to grab one of her hands. Leia, he begins slowly, I've seen the way Han looks at you. Even when you're not looking. Especially when you're not looking. He loves you. So much. He would do anything for you. I don't think he would have married you if having a family wasn't something he wanted.
Leia pulls her hand away, and Luke watches her reach up to wipe a tear away. She grabs his hand again, smiling at him. "Thank you," she whispers.
Luke hears the Chancellor begin to introduce him. He gives Leia's hand a squeeze before standing and making his way over to the edge of the stage. That's what I'm here for.
Hey, is that pain I'm feeling near my kidneys normal?
Well, I'm feeling it right now too, so probably.
Good God. How do you deal with this all the time?
Apparently actually having the baby is supposed to make all this pain and suffering worth it, but for now, I just imagine punching one of my more idiotic colleagues every time something hurts.
… Alright.
Only five more months of this.
It's only when faint strips of light begin to appear on the floor of the nursery that he realizes just how long he's stayed up with Ben. When he came to Han and Leia's in the middle of the night, he thought he would be in and out before the two of them even realized he'd been there. Ben, however, had made sure his trip wouldn't be quite as easy as he'd first thought - Luke had to change his diaper (twice, he'd done it wrong the first time), feed him, and then sit with him in the rocking chair until he fell asleep. They never made it back to Ben's crib. Luke didn't want to move - he was too captivated by the tiny human in his arms. As he stares down at his nephew, it strikes him just how small, how fragile Ben really is. Something stirs in his chest as he rocks back and forth, looking at baby Ben. Luke leans down, pressing a light kiss to the top of Ben's forehead.
"Hey," a soft voice says from the doorway, and Luke glances up. It's been a long time since he's heard his sister's real voice - months, he realizes. Leia leans against the doorframe, arms crossed, still in her nightgown, her hair frizzing out in a million different directions. Her eyes look tired, but she's smiling at him. "What are you doing here?"
Luke chuckles to himself. "You were talking to me in your sleep. Thought maybe you and Han could use a night off."
Leia laughs, standing up straight and walking over to the rocking chair. "What was I saying?" she asks, an eyebrow raised.
"Oh, something about 'can't ever sleep for more than 2 hours at a time' and 'isn't it Han's turn this time?'" Luke smirks up at her, and she rolls her eyes. Ben squirms in his arms, making noises like he's about to cry again. "Shh," Luke whispers, lifting Ben so his head is nestled on Luke's shoulder and stroking his back. Luke closes his eyes, trying to send feelings of comfort to the baby. "Shh, it's okay," he murmurs, rocking gently back and forth until Ben quiets.
"That some kind of Jedi magic?" Leia asks from above him.
Luke smirks. "Maybe."
"You should teach me how to do that. Make my job a lot easier." Luke snorts at that. He doesn't respond, instead focusing on rubbing a hand across Ben's back. "You're pretty good at this, you know," Leia continues. "You ever think about it?"
"What, having kids?" He glances up at Leia, whose expression gives away nothing, as usual. "I mean, when I reopen the Jedi Academy, all those kids will be my responsibility."
"Yeah, sure, but - you're telling me you've never thought about having a kid of your own?"
Leia's piercing eyes make Luke turn away, focusing back on Ben. He has thought about it, a lot, but he's not sure it's something Leia wants to hear. He shifts uncomfortably. "I, uh -" he stops. This isn't something he wants to talk about with her. But he's started now, he realizes - he has to say something. "I think the fewer number of Skywalkers in this galaxy, the better," he says quietly, not looking his sister in the eye.
The nursery is silent for a long time. The only thing Luke can hear is Ben's breathing just next to his ear. "Luke," Leia finally says, uneasy. "What are you -"
"Our father almost destroyed the galaxy on his own," Luke cuts in. "I …" he trails off, shaking his head. "I don't know if I'm willing to bring a child into the world who could - who could end up like him." The tense silence returns. He can feel hostile vibes coming from his sister, and he realizes the implication he's made. "I don't think you and Han would ever let something like that happen to Ben," he adds. "You two are gonna be the best parents in the world. It's me I don't trust."
That statement hangs in the room. It's gotten brighter over the course of their short conversation, and Luke can feel warmth on his back from the window behind him. He continues to rock slowly back and forth, listening to Ben's steady breathing as he sleeps. Eventually Luke hears the floor creak, and a door open and shut. "That must be Han," Leia says quietly. "I should probably get started on breakfast. You want me to fix you something?"
Luke smiles and glances up at his sister. "That'd be great."
Leia gives him a small smile as she turns and exits the nursery, and once again Luke is alone with his nephew. The same stirring he'd felt earlier returns, only this time it's accompanied by a stab of anxiety to his gut that he can't make go away. He stands, slowly so he won't wake Ben, and turns around to face the window. He parts the shades, glancing out at the cityscape, and at the horizon beyond it. It's still odd for him to only see one sun, even after all the time he's been away from home. He presses another kiss to the top of Ben's head and walks over to the crib on the other side of the room, laying him down gently and covering him with one of the seven or eight blankets strewn around the crib.
For what it's worth, he hears Leia's voice echo in his mind as he watches her son sleep, I think you'd be a great dad.
So, you excited about the opening next week?
Are you kidding? I'm terrified. I've had this feeling like something's been gnawing at the pit of my stomach for weeks, and every time I think about what I'm actually going to do, that voice in the back of my head starts to tell me every single way I can screw this up.
Sounds fun.
Tell me about it. But I keep reminding myself how hard I've worked on this, how much I really do want to do it. And I know I've got some of the best kids to work with. I'm really excited to get started. And besides - this can't possibly turn out any worse than it did the last time, right?
I know you'll do great, Luke. I'm so proud of you.
Thanks,Leia. That really means a lot.
I swear, some of these senators get stupider with every passing day.
What's wrong this time?
See, the fact that you have to say 'this time' is just evidence that I'm right.
Are you going to actually tell me what's wrong or are you going to continue being bitter?
I can't do both?
Leia.
Fine. But this is a pretty long story, so you better get comfortable.
How's Ben?
Leia, the building hasn't burned down in the last hour since you asked me that.
Luke.
He's fine. A couple of the boys in his bunk have been showing him around and introducing him to everyone. He seems to be getting along pretty well. He sat at what I believe is referred to as 'the cool table' at dinner tonight.
That's … good. That's good.
Yes, it is.
Did he do okay with classes today?
He won't start classes until tomorrow.
Oh. Right.
Leia?
Yeah?
Relax. Ben's gonna be just fine. He's your son, after all.
Luke, have you heard anything about the First Order?
No, not a whole lot. Just the name a couple of times. Why?
It's some kind of Separatist faction - apparently they were big fans of the Empire and want to restore that back to power. The Senate hasn't been paying them too much attention because they're pretty small right now and they haven't actually done anything that would merit any kind of attention. But I've got a bad feeling about them. Plus, the past few days, I've been hearing rumors that they've attracted some dark Force users to their side. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?
Sith, you mean? I have no idea. I suppose it's not impossible, though - we have no idea what the Emperor was doing. He could have been … training people, I guess. Although, I was under the assumption that I was the only Jedi left - besides my students, of course.
I thought so, too. To be honest, I don't even know how seriously to take these reports. There's all sort of conflicting information floating around lately. Sorry to bother you, I just thought if anyone would know something about this, you would.
You know you're never bothering me, Leia. I'll let you know if I hear anything at my end.
Thank you.
So, how's Ben doing?
Oh. Leia, I was about to call you.
What? Is everything okay? What happened?
Everything's fine. Ben is fine. It's just - well, he got into a fight this afternoon.
A fight? He's never been violent before.
I know. I'm a little worried. He's been lashing out quite a bit lately - mostly at me, which is fine, I can handle that. But now that it's starting to affect the other students -
He's been lashing at you? What do you mean? Why didn't you tell me before?
Because it hasn't been that bad so far. A few sarcastic comments, a bit of insubordination, that kind of thing. I figured it was because I've been his cool Jedi Uncle Luke his whole life, and now that the illusion's been shattered, and he's found out how hard it actually is to be a Jedi, he's pushing back. I'm not sure what happened today, though - and none of the other kids will tell me anything, either.
Do I need to come up there and talk to him?
No, I don't think so - that might just make things worse.
What do you want me to do, then?
For now, nothing.
Nothing? You want me to just sit here and do nothing?
Pretty much. I know you're his mother, Leia, but he's my responsibility right now. Do you trust me?
You know I do.
Then let me handle this. Everything will be fine, I promise.
There have been very few moments in Han Solo's life where he has had absolutely no idea what to do.
Hyperdrive not starting when you need a getaway? No problem, just stow away in an asteroid. Figuring out how to propose to Leia? Well, the problem there was actually too many ideas. Getting chased by bounty hunters? Just shoot 'em.
But his wife and her brother talking to each other in their heads over dinner as if they've completely forgotten his existence - that's something Han just doesn't have the tools to handle.
The evening had started out perfectly normal - Han had actually been looking forward to spending a little bit of time with Luke. Luke had been so busy with his Jedi school, and Han and Leia so busy with their own lives, that it had been a couple of years since they'd actually seen each other in person and talked face to face. Luke had come around just before mealtime, bringing a pan full of something he said they ate on Tatooine (it didn't look all that appealing to Han, but he decided not to say anything - he'd learned the hard way that Luke was touchy about his home planet). Han and Luke had gotten to chat for a few minutes before Leia brought out the rest of the meal. The three of them had sat down, and -
Nothing. It had been complete silence ever since they'd started to eat. Normally, Han would chalk it up to awkwardness and be done with it, but he knows the two of them are doing whatever weird telepathy thing they can do. They both think no one can tell what they're doing, but they make facial expressions at each other just like they're talking out loud. There's been quite a bit of eye-rolling tonight, along with several snorts. As Han digs into the dish Luke brought (not bad, he notes absently), he glances over at the clock on the wall - twenty minutes. This is getting ridiculous, Han thinks, watching as Leia and Luke smile down at their plates, both of them obviously fighting the urge to laugh.
"Okay, new rule," Han says, finally breaking the silence. Luke and Leia's heads both snap up to look at him, and he feels his courage wane slightly at the intensity of their stares. "Unless you two are complaining about me, you have to talk to each other out loud."
It was a joke, a way to break the tension and make the two of them start including him in whatever conversation they'd been having. Or, at least, it was supposed to be. But Luke and Leia give each other a look like they've been caught, then stare back down at their plates, both of them nervously picking at their food.
"You've got to be kidding me," Han mumbles, shoving another spoonful of food into his mouth. "Really, guys?"
After another tense moment of silence, Luke clears his throat awkwardly. He's still staring at his plate when he says, "So, Han, Leia tells me you've started working with Maz again." Han wishes he could do more than glare at the two of them.
If I have to sit through one more committee hearing with these idiots I'm gonna scream.
Oh, hey, Leia. Listen, I -
I swear, every single person in the Senate has lost their ability to listen to goddamn common sense. I've told them at least a hundred times that the First Order is gaining too much power too quickly and that they pose a gigantic threat to what we're trying to do.
Leia, that's great, but, um -
I mean, the First Order consists of all of the surviving higher-ups from the Old Empire, and they're gathering more support by the day. Every day, we learn about new ships heading out into the Unknown Regions - every day, Luke - but still people tell me, "Nope, that's nothing to worry about! We'll be fine if we just ignore them!"
I mean, obviously I agree w-
I heard information this morning that the First Order has started training stormtroopers again. You would think that would be something that would get the Senate's attention, right? Maybe make them realize exactly what the First Order is trying to accomplish? You'd think so, wouldn't you?
Well, yeah, I gu-
So I brought that up at our session today and do you want to know what response I got?
Actually, about that …
Laughter. I got laughed at. One of my colleagues said to me, "Well, if their aim is as good as it was the last time, I don't think we've got anything to worry about." Can you believe this? … Luke? Are you still there?
Well, you see, uh, I've been in the middle of class, with my eight-year-olds, and, uh - I had to excuse myself because I was about to cry trying to hold in my laughter.
Oh, not you, too.
What? Whoever that guy was, he's right - the stormtroopers couldn't aim worth a shit.
Please tell me you're kidding.
I am - mostly. I agree with you on the rest of it though. The First Order is really training stormtroopers?
Yup, and apparently, this isn't the first time we've heard about this, either.
Wow. That's - really bad.
You're telling me.
And no one's listening to you?
Nobody on my committee, anyway. I've met up with other people in the Senate who agree with me, and we've been doing some recruiting, but we're scattered all over the place. None of us have enough power to do anything about this.
I'm so sorry, Leia. I wish there was something I could do.
Unfortunately, you're probably doing all you can right now. I'll let you get back to class. Sorry for the interruption.
It's alright - there's never a wrong time for a joke about shitty stormtrooper aim.
I hate you.
Love you, too.
Hey, Leia?
What did my son do this time?
Now, why do you always assume it's about -
Because I'm not an idiot, Luke. What did he do?
Well …
Just spit it out. I'm a big girl, I can take it.
He, um - well, he's been … manipulating some of my other students.
Manipulating?
Somehow he's learned how to, uh - how to reach inside their heads and make them do what he wants.
…
Leia?
Did you teach him that?
Of course not! I don't even know how to do that myself!
Well then, where did he learn it from?
How would I kn-
You have other teachers at that school, Luke. Which one of them was it?
You want me to question my staff -?
I want to find out where the hell my son is learning how to do these things!
And you think I don't?
No, I - I'm sorry. This is … a lot to take in.
I know.
So what exactly was Ben making - making these kids do?
Nothing terrible, but nothing good, either. Mostly, he's been making some of the older kids tell him the things I've been teaching them.
Why?
Lately, he's been upset at me for not going fast enough with him. He wants to take on more advanced concepts, but he's just not ready for it yet. He still doesn't have enough control to go as far as he wants to. I've told him that we'll get to that when we get to it, but he won't listen to me. He thinks he should be with the older kids. And apparently, he's willing to do quite a bit to get the information he wants.
So what are you going to do about this?
Honestly? I have no idea.
I'm so sorry, Leia.
She bolts up into a sitting position, suddenly wide awake. Her heartbeat is racing, she feels cold all over, and there's an aching deep in her chest. Immediately, she can tell - something is very wrong.
"Han," she says, turning to shake him awake. "Han, wake up." He groans, mumbles a few nonsense words, and turns over, clearly lost to the world. "Han, wake up. Something's going on." Leia switches her bedside lamp on and climbs out of bed. Han groans again, loudly this time. She ignores him, fumbling through the drawers in her nightstand. Not there. She crosses to her dresser, flipping through piles. "Where is that damn holo when you need it," she mutters.
"Thought you left it at the table," Han says groggily.
Of course, she realizes. One of her colleagues had called just as dinner was ending with questions about their plans for tomorrow. Leia races out of the bedroom and down the stairs, almost tripping in her hurry. When she reaches the kitchen, she sees the holo sitting exactly where she'd left it. She sits down in her chair and switches the machine on. "No, not comms," she says, flicking through the inputs. "Why is the news so damn far from -"
Her blood runs cold when she sees the headline.
Jedi Temple Attacked by New Group 'Knights of Ren.' Jedi Master Luke Skywalker Nowhere to be Found.
Tears well up in her eyes as she reads the article. Most of it doesn't make sense to her - she can barely read it with the tears blurring her vision, and her brain seems to have stopped working, so the things she can read she doesn't comprehend. One line, though, stands out: "No survivors have been found."
"Ben," she whispers. She reaches up to cover her mouth as the tears spill down her cheeks. Without warning, the article shifts to a vid. She doesn't want to watch it, doesn't want to see the horrors she knows she'll find, but she's frozen, paralyzed with fear. She can't make herself turn the holo off.
When she sees the vid, she wishes she would have.
There's footage of the attack, confusing footage. She sees blaster fire and explosions, which she expected, but they all seem to come from insidethe school. Pieces of the building cave inward, and fire erupts from every corner. The vid switches to another angle, just outside the front entrance, and a large group of men in black robes march out, led by -
No, is the only thought in Leia's head as she watches the leader cut down the few kids trying to escape, his lightsaber illuminating his face. Her mind is suddenly filled with every gruesome report Luke gave her, every twisting in her gut whenever Luke told her what was going on with Ben. Her stomach is twisting now, making her feel like she's going to burst, and she finally forces herself to tear her gaze from the holo, burying her face in her hands so she won't have to watch anymore.
I'm so sorry, Leia, Luke had said. That's what had woken her up.
He's not dead. Of that much she's certain. She knows what it feels like to have her closest family killed, and she hadn't felt that. But he was gone. She couldn't sense him on the planet anymore.
I'm so sorry, Leia.
"Dammit, Luke!" she shouts, pounding the table. The holo jumps a couple inches, shutting off on impact. When it flickers back on, the ominous headline scrolls across the screen again.
"Leia? What's going on?
She starts at the sound of Han's voice, and looks over to find him leaning sleepily against the doorway in his boxers. She glances back at the holo, where the vid has looped back to the beginning. Once again, Leia sees her son stab one of his fellow students through the chest, and suddenly she's filled with so much anger she can hardly stands it. She stands and marches out of the kitchen, taking the holo with her. She shoves it into Han's stomach, only pausing to make sure it doesn't fall to the ground. "And all Luke can say is, I'm sorry," she spits out before stomping back up the stairs.
Screaming.
That's all he can hear for hours on end.
- HOW DARE YOU LUKE HOW COULD YOU LEAVE US ALONE TO CLEAN UP YOUR MESSES WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND WRECK EVERYTHING AGAIN WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO WITH MY SON -
It's a long string of words that don't really make much sense, but it's the only thing Luke can hear. He can't even move anymore - it's paralyzing.
- HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN I TOLD YOU OVER AND OVER THAT SOMETHING WAS HAPPENING WITH BEN AND YOU DIDN'T LISTEN YOU NEVER LISTEN -
It had started in the middle of the flight. For a while, he'd been able to ignore it, but it just kept getting louder and louder. He'd been able to land his ship on the island - though only just. He's been laying on the stone-cold floor of the temple for hours now, his hands clutched at his ears. Make it stop make it stop make it stop, he thinks. He's so overwhelmed by Leia's voice that he can't tell if he's sending that thought to her or not. Even if he could, he doesn't think she'd be able to hear it over her own rage.
- YOU JUST LEFT I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HOW IN THE GALAXY IS THAT SUPPOSED TO HELP MY SON LUKE WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT YOU -
The worst part, Luke realizes as he rocks back and forth listening to his sister scream obscenities at him, is that none of it makes him want to go back.
In the end, it's Leia who keeps him sane on the island.
The Resistance, he hears, after six months of nothing but his own voice. I like it.
He almost responds before he realizes it wasn't meant for him. It was an accident - just one of her thoughts mistakenly sent out into the Force. For the first time in his life, Luke is glad Leia never let him teach her anything, no matter how hard he pushed her, because it allowed him to have this moment. To hear her voice one more time.
Her voice comes to him again, sometimes more frequently than others, but he cherishes it each and every time. He learns about her life - how she's been, what's she's been doing, the people she has in her life now. Han is gone, he learns, left almost as soon as they'd found out what Ben had done. Luke wants to be angry with him, wants to be furious at Han for leaving Leia, until he realizes the hypocrisy in that. Still, sometimes he can feel Leia's heartache, her yearning for Han to hold her and make her feel like everything would be alright. Leia is tough, though, and Luke knows she's survived worse. She soldiers on.
Her ragtag group of fifteen or so Senators transforms almost overnight into an organization with some real power behind it. Some of the comments he hears from her before they leave the Senate makes his chest ache because of how much they remind him of how things used to be. I bet I could throw my chair out the window right now and they wouldn't even notice, he hears about a year after he's left. He's not sure what the context of Sure, and I'm Supreme Empress of the Galaxy is, but he'd bet his life it was in some kind of committee meeting.
After the Resistance strikes out on their own, Luke hears a lot about trying to find him. Leia talks to everyone who'd ever known him trying to find out where he might have gone. Sometimes it makes him smile, listening to her following up on new information that leads her in the wrong direction. After a couple of years, though, he stops hearing about her looking. The Resistance has to move around a lot, until it can find a more permanent home for its base, and Leia has more to keep her mind occupied. He doesn't hear much of anything until he gets an image from her, of D'Qar, he learns it's called. It's a green planet, greener than anything he's ever seen. Tall grass covers every inch as far as Leia can see, and a massive forest sits off in the distance. Not even Endor was this beautiful, Luke thinks. It's like Alderaan, he hears, and suddenly he's swept up in Leia's memories. Her adoptive parents taking her out to play in the orchard outside their manse, giggling with her friends as they traipse through a garden, the view of the country from her balcony. Leia had never talked about Alderaan much before, and Luke hadn't made her - he hadn't wanted to upset her. He regrets that now, regrets ever doing anything that kept him at a distance from his sister. When he finally gets back into his own head, he finds himself on the ground, tears staining his face.
The next significant thing he overhears is, Poe Dameron? What about him?
Whoever they are, Luke's never heard about them, though the name Dameron does sound familiar. Leia had probably mentioned someone by that name once or twice.
And then something odd happens. He gets a second message from her in under an hour.
If there's even the smallest chance that we can find this map to Luke, we have to take it. Are you sure you're up for this, Poe?
Luke isn't sure what to think about that. She was still looking for him? It had been years since he'd heard anything about looking for him. He'd come to the conclusion that she'd pretty much given up. It was what he wanted anyway, the reason he came to the island in the first place. But a map? Something's changed, he thinks. Something must have prompted them to start looking again. Something not good.
Luke remembers when he was nineteen, when he'd felt Alderaan get destroyed. He hadn't known then that what he was feeling was the Force, so he'd assumed the hollow pain he'd felt in his chest was a perfectly normal reaction to hearing about the destruction of an entire planet. Leia had tried to describe what it had felt like once, to watch her planet burn, but she wasn't aware of her abilities with the Force, either, and she'd told Luke that she didn't think it was as bad as it could have been because of that.
He knows now, though, what Ben Kenobi meant about voices crying out and suddenly being silenced. The emptiness gnaws at him like a hole in his soul. Nothing, he thinks, could be worse than this.
That is, until Han dies.
The emptiness is still there, eating at him, but now his head feels like it's splitting open, being torn in half. The pain is overwhelming, unbearable. He leans up against the rocks, slinking down to sit on the ground, unable to support himself anymore. It wouldn't be so bad, he thinks, if he just had his own pain to deal with. But Leia's grief is with him as well, a fierce grief that magnifies his and threatens to tear him apart from the inside. He screams, long and loud, until there's nothing left. His own wails echo back at him, as if from another plane of existence.
Luke isn't sure how long he stays like that, drowning in the pain. It feels like days. It's not until he feels drops of rain fall on his face that he begins to come back to himself. He opens his eyes again, glancing out to a dreary gray skyline. The smell of rain calms him. He rests his head against the rock face, feeling himself relaxing as the rain starts to pour.
He's gone.
Leia's voice comes back to him, and the ache in his chest returns, though not with as much force this time. He should do something, he thinks, to let her knows she's not alone. But what? It's been so long Luke isn't even sure he remembers how to talk to her anymore. And even if he could, what would he say? Sorry for leaving you, and also sorry to hear about your husband dying, wish I could be there for you? Everything he thinks of sounds hollow, and he wouldn't mean the part about wanting to be there. If anything, knowing about Han's death just adds to the list of reasons why he wants to stay on his island.
But he has to do something.
The mood at the base is electric. People rush around the room with congratulations on their lips. Bottles of alcohol appear from nowhere, and the sound of glasses clinking together seems to be never-ending. Nobody seems to be able to stand still for any longer than five seconds before they find someone else to hug or high-five or squeal with.
It shouldn't surprise her, Leia thinks. Most of her recruits are young, as young as she was when she first joined the Rebel Alliance. She remembers that exhilaration of first triumph, remembers participating it in herself. They'd won, for the first time. Even the cost of what it took to get that victory doesn't seem to phase them. Leia just wishes she could take part in the celebrations with the rest of her crew.
"He's gone," she whispers, bowing her head. She wants to deny it, to believe he's still alive until the Falcon comes back with absolute proof, but there's no denying what she'd felt just minutes before the news came of the destruction of Starkiller Base. Han isn't aboard the Falcon. He's not coming back to her, not matter how much she wishes he was.
All of a sudden a feeling of warmth comes over her, so strong and yet so gentle. It's a strange, familiar feeling. It reminds her of the way it felt to hug -
"Luke," she breathes, realizing what's happening, what he's doing. She reaches out to him, to give some of his own comfort back to him, and the tears she's been holding in for six years finally begin to fall.
I really am sorry, Leia.
I know.
We found the map, Luke. Chewie's coming. And he's got someone special with him.
Luke isn't quite sure what to think when he hears that. He's not even sure what the appropriate response would be, or if Leia expects him to respond at all. The mention of a map still confuses him. He hadn't thought he'd left any sort of definitive trail, and the planet he's on is outside any known system. And would they actually make him come back? He doesn't believe for a second that Leia thinks his being with the Resistance would help any part of their cause. It'd be exactly like their mission to Endor all over again - he'd be endangering everyone simply by being there.
And who was this someone special Leia had mentioned? He wonders if it's one of her newer recruits, the Dameron kid she'd been talking to about finding the map, or this Finn he's been hearing a lot about in the past couple of days. He can't figure out what Leia could mean by that. Who else was left to them, that would be someone special?
He ponders on that for a long time, until he feels the Millennium Falcon touch down on his island. It surprises him, and for a second he thinks he's about to see Han again, until he remembers. No, he realizes, someone else is there with Chewie, someone unfamiliar. He shakes his head, wondering which poor Resistance member Leia had to hassle to get them to convince him to go back with them.
It's not until he turns around and sees her, the spitting image of her mother, holding out his father's lightsaber, that Luke realizes what Leia meant.
.
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A/N: 1) Yes, there is a Hamilton reference in here. Kudos to you if you caught it.
2) If I've learned one thing from writing this fic, it's that I can't spell the word 'millennium' to save my life.
3) Thank you so much for reading! Please remember to leave a review to let me know what you thought :)