Mary-Sue Saves the Wizarding World

Mary-Sue just wanted to have a normal life. She wanted to look rather normal instead of having luxurious locks of hair the color of some rich object. She didn't want to have a perfect white smile. She didn't particularly care for her long lashes, long legs, or double D chest. She loathed her double D chest. She longed to put on a few pounds to get rid of the annoyingly flat stomach she was cursed with.

Appearances aside, she also wanted to have to work for what she wanted. If she wanted to play the piano, she could compose a song that would turn Mozart green. If she wanted to cook a meal, that fat guy from Iron Chef America who snarked at everyone would curtsey and ask for seconds please. If she wanted to try out for a sports team, she would be made captain before everyone else tried out.

Mary-Sue sighed and huffed and considered placing a brown paper bag over her head with two slits for her eyes. Of course then everyone would assume she was beautifully scarred from some tragic accident many years ago. She grew up in a rather nice house with rather nice parents who taught her that hard work and persistence was the only way to live life. So the fact that she didn't have to work hard at anything was slowly killing her.

And now, if God was testing her in some insane way (or maybe He was just bored and was causing mischief) she had run into a trio of people that claimed to need her help rather desperately. Life or Death, they said.

"No."

"Why won't you help us?" asked the lone female in the group. "You're obviously smarter than all three of us; you could help us save the world!"

"It's not real."

"What's not real, is how much we don't love you. You're perfect," the dark haired boy replied. "You could solve this problem in a heartbeat and then spend time with me. You're everything I was ever looking for!"

"I can't even be jealous of my best friend, you are so obviously right for him," piped up the last member of the group.

"As I told the kid with a napoleon complex and his suit-of-armor-brother, and the red head in black with a big ass sword and his yellow teddy bear, and the detective punk who hung around demons, I CANNOT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS!" Mary-Sue wondered where all of these weirdos came from. It seemed as if every time she ventured from her front door some new desperate would be hero came to her for a solution and love. "It means nothing if I do your work for you. If I do it for you, then no one would be living at all. Everyone would end up dead even if they were still breathing. Everything would be one dimensional and boring as hell. Not to mention the whole love crap. I'm never going to actually find true love while I look like this. Go away while I try to find something I'm bad at."

"But, you're just going to let thousands of people end up dead?" the girl whispered, her hand over her mouth.

"Yup, you can save them," Mary-Sue turned away from them and went to the library. Maybe there was a self-help book in there somewhere by that stupid Dr. Phil guy. If she followed his advice, maybe she would be traumatized enough to not be so perfect anymore. Or maybe she could just hit herself in the head with it repeatedly until she gained some brain damage. It would be engaging to have to learn how to talk again.

AN: I don't own Harry Potter. And I'm still writing, this is the first piece to be completed in a while and I think I accidentally snorted crack somewhere to write this. Cookies to everyone who can tell me who Mary-Sue was talking about in her speech.