Words I Couldn't Say
ME Set after S1 'Borderline' Those three words and a bountiful amount of doubt.
Disclaimer: I have custody of my Muse and the plot but I humbly acknowledge that I have no jurisdiction over the characters themselves.
A/N:- Since I've had a lot of positive response to my previous post-eps I thought that I'd write another one, especially since this amazing episode gave me so much to work with.
'Words I Couldn't Say' – Rascal Flatts
Emily Lehman had been shocked by a lot of things during her FBI career but it had been a long time since she's been actually in shock. No matter how hard she strained to get her head around how the events of the past twelve hours had even happened it was still a messy blur of gunshots and doubt. Doubt.
During her lectures she had always spoken about two sorts of cases that were always going to be more dangerous to work than others: those which really got to you and those that changed you. This one had certainly done both. After her failure as a hostage negotiator had caused such a freefall of events that had included getting one man killed, one man severely injured, killing several perps and nearly losing her partner, she was wondering whether she should have taken that job offer of senior lecturer and retired from field work after all.
"You look dreadful." Lia said, walking up to her hospital bed with a smile and a glass of water.
"I feel dreadful." Emily sighed, resting her head back down on the pillow and looking up to the ceiling.
"Apart from exhaustion and sunburn, you going to be okay?" Her friend asked worriedly.
"Yeah. They gave me a tetanus shot, put a few stitches in my arm and I just need to stay on the drip for an hour to recover from the dehydration." Emily said monotonously, fiddling with the bandage over her wound.
Lia looked at Emily. She had never seen her look so troubled and she was beginning to realise that the report Cheryl had got out of Matt wasn't the full story. "Everything you did today you had to do to survive." She said, rubbing her friend's arm gently.
Emily shook her head. "It should never have got to the stage where I had to shoot a man cold-bloodily in the leg, kill several Mexicans, watch one of us die and another one get dangerously close to death …. I should have just let the DEA shoot the bastard when they had the chance….."
"This is NOT your fault." Lia said forcefully. "So don't even make me go down that path and recite my carefully thought-through speech about how there was nothing else you could have done. You guys put yourself out there every day and have saved hundreds of hostages but you can't always control everything no matter how much you may want to."
Emily nodded slightly and gave Lia a small smile. She appreciated having a female friend to talk to sometimes.
"Anyway, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger eh?" Lia laughed. "So was Matt all superhero-ey and protective in there?" She asked, lowering her voice and leaning forward, hoping that talking about her partner would take Emily's mind off of the events themselves.
Matt. Thud. Emily screwed her eyes up tight. What was happening there? She didn't even know herself … they started out with meaningless sex and some fun until they became progressively more and more involved until the line of being protective because they were partners or being possessive because they were something more became so blurred that they had stumbled headlong into a relationship …. And now …. Today ….
"Lia … if you were being held hostage in a shack in the middle of nowhere in Mexico and you thought there was a high chance that you would never survive and your partner turned to you and started by saying 'If we don't make it out of here, I just wanna say …' What do you think would follow that?"
"Erm, 'I love you'." Lia said automatically. Then the realisation dawned on her. "Did Matt say that to you? Oh my God was that the first time? What did you say?" She asked hurriedly in a hushed whisper.
Emily shook her head slightly. Lia had come to the same conclusion that Matt had so obviously it was her own idiocy that meant that she had never even thought that those words made more sense in that sentence structure than 'Thanks.' "I said that to him because I wanted to say 'Thanks' but before I could say so he said 'Me too.'"
"He thought you were going to say …. So he said …." Lia gushed.
"And later on when I told him I was just going to say 'thanks' he looked like someone had just hit him in the gut…….. Do you really think he thought that I was saying ….. and that he was saying……"
Lia had to smile at the FBI Agent's naivety when it came to analysing her own relationships and not other people's. "You only have to see the way he looks at you to know how he feels about you … I thought you felt the same way about him?"
Emily didn't say anything for a long time. Maybe the shot had made her head go a little woozy but she had the distinct feeling of disbelief that this was even happening to her. "I don't know." She said finally. "Maybe Felix was right …. Maybe Matt's just really stupid for dating me."
"No no no no don't talk like that hun. Come on, you're tired and a little giddy from the drugs and ….."
Emily didn't even know she had tears running down her face until Lia had moved from the chair to the edge of her bed and was hugging her.
There it was, that doubt. Doubt that caused her to wonder if she was any good at her job, doubt that caused her to wonder if she was even the right person for her boyfriend ….. doubt that was causing her to breakdown.
At the sound of the door being opened, Lia moved away slightly and Matt walked in, a worried expression on his face. He had been at the FBI building giving a debriefing to Cheryl but had hurried to the hospital as soon as he was done, his hair still wet from the shower Frank had forced him to take for hygiene reasons. Now though he was here putting his arms around her. "Em? Shh, shh. Everything's going to be okay." He said softly. Emily clung to him as she took each gulps of air, unable to put her finger on the exact reason she was crying in the first place.
Whilst rubbing Emily's back and trying to comfort her, Matt gave Lia a questioning look.
"Matt, I think you should take her home, make sure she gets some rest." Lia offered, touching Emily's arm softly. "I'll see you guys in the morning." She said leaving and giving them their space.
Emily wasn't sure how long after that it was but eventually a nurse came in and she had been forced to gain control of her runaway emotions as the nurse took out the drip and gave her a final examination before declaring her fit to leave. Matt had taken her hand then and led her out of the hospital, keeping her close like he was afraid that if he were to lose contact she would burst out crying again.
The drive to her place was made in silence. She was half-scared, half-mortified, wondering whether Matt was replaying that moment between them in his mind over and over again.
The truth was that Matt hadn't had a chance to think about it properly until they arrived at Emily's apartment and he was sat up in bed, waiting for her to finish her shower. Then was the only time he had had a chance to stop analysing the case itself and start thinking about how in typical Flannery-fashion he had well and truly jumped the gun in saying 'Me too.' He should have waited for her to finish her sentence but at that moment he felt the need to speak before she said it…… IT. Turned out 'It' wasn't what he had expected and he had been left doing his best to cover up his wounded puppy expression. Now though the hurt and slight embarrassment had changed to guilt ……. Guilt for not taking the lead on this case, guilt for letting her hurt her arm and guilt for asking too much of her, rushing their relationship too much.
He felt her crawl into bed next to him and he turned to face her but before he could say anything she touched his arm to silence him.
"I want to say something." She stated seriously. "And I'm just going to say it once and I promise not to say it again but I want you to let me say it and not to argue with me, okay?" Matt nodded silently. Emily took a deep breath to work up the courage, trying to keep her voice from cracking. "I let myself get played today and I'm sorry." Matt opened his mouth to say something but Emily pressed her finger against his lips to stop him. "It's a weakness and it put your life in danger and I want to take responsibility for everything that happened today. Don't say anything because I know what you're going to say but, please, let me just bear this blame and work through it."
Matt nodded slightly. "I don't agree with you but if that's what you want, I'll respect that." He said, kissing her softly on the forehead. Then he took her hand in his and decided that he was going to put himself out there, let her know where he stood even though she might not want to hear it. "I want to say something." He said using her words. "And I'm just going to say it once and I promise not to say it again but I want you to let me say it and not to try and stop me."
"Okay." Emily said softly, wondering what he was about to say.
"Earlier when we were in the hut in Mexico I said 'Me too' …. It was because I thought you were going to say something other than 'thanks' and now I know you weren't going to say what I thought you were going to say, 'me too' makes absolutely no sense." Matt rambled.
Emily's face softened at his babbling. When he first started speaking she had frozen in fear, wondering what he was going to say but hearing him speak now …. he was so sweet and endearing she didn't think that anything he was going to say could scare her anymore.
"I don't want you to feel rushed or pressurised and I definitely don't want to scare you off but after everything we've been through today I feel that it's a more than appropriate time to be honest …. and it's good to be open to be open with each other, right?" Matt said, searching her face for an answer somewhat frantically.
Emily gave a small smile. "Right."
Matt reached up and cupped her cheek in his hand. "I love you." He said softly.
Emily let it linger in the air for a minute, wondering whether the tingling feeling she felt all over her body was a natural reaction to his words. Then she leant forward and kissed him hungrily before pulling away just far enough so she could speak. "Just because I wasn't referring to it at that time doesn't mean I didn't and don't feel it … It just it took me a bit by surprise….. you …me … it all took me by surprise … and I need to process …."
She glanced up and Matt and saw that he was smiling at her and she chuckled slightly at herself and the way she was tripping over her words.
"You mean the world to me Matt."
Her words made him happier than she would ever know.
"Thanks." Matt replied in reference to her 'thanks' earlier. Then his face broke out into a grin and they shared a smile before their lips met again.
It wasn't quite 'I love you' but it was well on the way there.
A/N:- I know many of you are probably hating me for not having Emily say 'I love you' in this fic but I wanted to keep it canon for the most part and it really stood out that in the episode she brought up the whole thing at the end just to let Matt know she was just going to say 'Thanks' even when she could have just dropped the matter.
Anyway, all reviews are greatly appreciated.