Chapter 1 Notes: This is a Luke and Jess centric story set around the time of Swan Song. Much of what's going on will be recognizable from the show, but there are some AU elements as well, including Kirk being only a year older than Jess. There are limited Luke and Jess scenes in the first chapter as the story is being set up, but there will be more in future chapters. Please let me know if there is interest in a continuation of this story, or if the idea's a dud. Thanks!

Trigger Warnings: Suicide of a minor character occurs 'off camera'.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.

Luke took one last look at himself in the bathroom mirror. He always felt uncomfortable in a suit, and today was no exception. He adjusted his tie and collar. His reflection stared back at him awkwardly, but he decided this was as good as it was going to get. Today wasn't about him anyway. He walked out of the bathroom and addressed his nephew who was sprawled out on the couch reading a book. "Jess, are sure you don't want to come with me to this thing?"

Without glancing up from his book, Jess responded. "As sure as I was the last two times you asked, but thanks for checking."

Luke sighed. "I would really like you to reconsider. I think it would mean a lot to Kirk if you were there."

Jess kept his eyes on his book. "I barely know the guy. He's not going to care if I skip it."

"C'mon, Jess. You know him from the diner. You serve him at least one meal every day. I've heard you guys talking. You're usually nice to him. Kirk doesn't have a lot of friends, especially other kids his own age. And he likes you. I think it would be good for him to see you there. And I closed the diner today so that we could all go. You, me, Caesar…."

"Kirk and I aren't friends, Luke. We talk about how he wants his eggs or his burger cooked. If you've seen him talking to me beyond that, I can guarantee I was tuning out whatever ridiculousness he was saying."

"Jess!" Luke scolded, voice raised. "Is it too much to ask for you to show a little compassion here?"

Jess finally looked up at his uncle's tone, and couldn't help mocking. "Oooh, stern face! Someone's getting a spanking."

"Is that what you need, Jess? Do I need to threaten to ground you or punish you in some way to get you to do the right thing here? Because that can be arranged, my friend!"

"Hmmm…...So, just to recap, you tell me I can choose whether I want to go, but now you want to ground me if I don't make the choice that you want me to make? That doesn't really seem like good parenting to me, Luke. Does that honestly sound fair to you?"

Luke sighed. "No." He agreed. "You're right, Jess. It's not fair. I'm sorry. You don't have to come if you really don't want to."

"Why is it so important to you that I go? It's not like you're that close to Kirk. He seems to spend most of his time at the diner working your last nerve."

Luke knew why this was affecting him so much, but he hadn't planned on discussing it with Jess. He supposed he did owe him an honest explanation for why he was trying so hard to push this on him. "I don't know. I guess it just makes me remember when my dad died. I was only twenty. Just a year older than Kirk is. I didn't have a lot of friends, either. I had already drifted apart from most of the people I had been friendly with in high school. I'd been busy with taking care of my dad when he was sick and running the store. The only two guys that I had kept in touch with from high school weren't able to come back. One was in college out west and one had joined the army. Liz didn't even come home for the funeral. She had moved again without giving me a new phone number or address, so I couldn't get in touch with her to let her know when he died. Don't get me wrong, there were lots of people at the funeral. Friends of my dad's. The guys from the reenactors group he was in. Neighbors. Customers from the hardware store. But, I just remember feeling so alone. It would have been nice to have had someone my age, who was there for me as a friend, instead of just people who knew my dad, you know. And, Kirk's mom wasn't involved in the community. She was kind of a recluse for most of Kirk's life. She barely left her house, and I'm not sure how many people in town knew her or will care enough to come to her funeral." Luke could feel himself rambling, and tried to rein it in. "Anyway, I just want Kirk to have people there for him so he doesn't feel like he's all alone. Maybe I'm being stupid…...Maybe you're right, that he won't care if we go or not…...I don't know. But, I would like for us both to be there in case he does. Can you understand that?"

Jess sighed. It was rare that his uncle actually asked him for a favor outright like this. He dog-eared the page he was on in his book before sitting up and setting it down on the coffee table. "Fine, but I'm going to need to borrow a tie."

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Luke could feel Jess fidgeting next to him in the sparsely populated church as Reverend Skinner delivered a sermon about the beauty of life being directly related to its impermanence. Something about the comparison between a human life and cut flowers, and how the bloom was even more special and wondrous due to its ephemeral nature. Luke was only half-listening. His mind kept wandering back to the loss of his own parents. To a time when he had been barely out of his teens and already lost the two people he had loved most. It wasn't an easy place to be and his heart went out to the boy sitting in the first pew, head bowed, beside an older man that Luke didn't recognize. Kirk had already lived a lonely life when his mother had been alive. He had been a permanent fixture at the diner for years. If Luke had to guess, he would say Kirk had been maybe nine or ten when he first started coming to the diner after school. Luke could still remember him as a little boy, shy and quiet, usually with just enough money to order a coke. At first, sitting at a table by himself, silently observing the people and families around him, and later, when he had become more comfortable, sitting at the counter and talking to Luke when the diner was slow. Luke had to admit that the boy was odd. The stories he told about his life and his mother seemed almost made up to Luke in their strangeness. But, depending on the mood he was in, Luke didn't always mind the company. And he was pretty sure that Kirk didn't have a lot of people who were willing to listen to him. He never came in with a friend, or with his mom. The only people Luke ever saw him talking to at the diner were Babette and Miss Patty. When Luke had asked the two women about Kirk, he had learned that the boy's mother had suffered from debilitating depression for years. She and Kirk survived off the disability aid that she received from the state along with sporadic financial assistance from Kirk's father, a lawyer and married man that she had had an affair with when she had been living in New York waiting tables in her early twenties. She had fallen into a deep depression a few years after Kirk had been born and rarely found reason to leave her house. And three days ago, she had succumbed to that depression and taken her own life. Leaving the only other member of her household to find her body in the tub, almost entirely submerged in red water. Luke knew losing your parents in any way at that age was hard enough. He couldn't begin to comprehend the pain of throwing suicide into that mix. He logically knew that things would get better for Kirk with time. Not that he would ever get over this loss completely, but other people would come into his life and he would eventually move on and even heal from this. It had happened to Luke. He cast a sidelong glance at his restless nephew, a reassuring and tangible reminder of how much things had improved in his own life. He knew rationally that all loss became, if not diminished, then at least more manageable with time. But, he also knew how bleak everything felt when you were in the thick of it. Heartbroken and alone, and unable to see the potential light on the other side. He wanted to be there for Kirk, but he wasn't sure how.

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Luke had re-opened the diner after the service, and the dinner rush was just dying down when Kirk walked in with the older man who had sat next to him at the funeral. They sat down at a table by the window, Kirk staring at his companion silently, his expression blank, while the other man averted his gaze uncomfortably, looking like he'd rather be anywhere else. Luke walked over, setting two menus down on the table. He placed a hand on Kirk's shoulder and squeezed gently, prompting the boy to look up at him. "I'm really sorry about your mom Kirk. If there's anything I can do, anything at all, just say the word. Ok, Kirk? I mean it. Anything."

"Thanks, Luke. I appreciate that." Kirk rarely ever registered emotions in his expression, but Luke could read the subtle signs of sadness in the boy. "And I appreciate that you came to the service. You and Jess, both. I know you had to close the diner to do it, and I want you to know how much that means to me. I know I spend a lot of time in here, but I was never really sure if we were friends. I like you guys a lot, but I could never be positive that I wasn't just mistaking your physical proximity for reciprocated feelings of friendship and intimacy, like my junior high guidance counselor always said I did."

Luke held in a sigh at the boy's awkward straightforwardness. "Of course, we're your friends, Kirk. And we're here for you. For anything you need." Luke's own life had gotten so much harder after his father's death and he had been a relatively normal and well-adjusted twenty-year-old. Everything was going to be so much harder for Kirk, who barely fit in with other people on his best days.

Kirk gestured toward his companion. "Luke, this is my father, Timothy Marsden. He's in town from New York. This is Luke Danes. He owns the diner."

Luke extended a hand to the older man, and they shook. "Good to meet you, Mr. Marsden. I'm really sorry for your loss, too."

"Please, it's Tim. And thank you for your condolences." Tim frowned. "It's a very sad day all around."

"So, how long will you be staying in town?" Luke was glad to hear that Kirk had a relative here to support him during this time, but something about this man was rubbing him the wrong way. Maybe he was just biased from hearing the stories about his affair with Kirk's mother, or from knowing this guy hadn't been around much during Kirk's childhood.

"Just for a few days. Just long enough to put the house on the market and wrap up some loose ends. Then it's back to the grind in the city."

"You're selling the house?" Luke asked in surprise. What he really wanted to know was whether Kirk's father was planning on taking his son back to the city with him, but before he could think of a not overly invasive way to phrase the inquiry, Kirk's father had already answered the question for him.

"Yes, I think it's the best option. Kirk doesn't need all that space. Do you Kirk?" The man smiled indulgently toward Kirk, who wordlessly confirmed with a slight shake of his head. "I'll list it for sale now, while the real estate market in Stars Hollow is so hot. Then I'll help Kirk get settled in an apartment once the sale closes. It's time for Kirk to be out on his own anyway, right Kirk?" Another look in Kirk's direction, met by a small nod from the boy. Though Kirk still wasn't wearing an actual expression, Luke thought he could sense an increase in the boy's anxiety level. This was a lot of change all at once. And if there was one thing Kirk didn't handle well, it was change.

"Oh…." Luke trailed off, unsure how to respond.

"I'll take a BLT, and a cup of coffee, please." Tim picked up the two unopened menus and held them out to Luke, effectively shutting down the small talk. "Kirk, do you know what you want, son?"

Kirk looked back up at Luke. "I'll have a patty melt, I guess. And a coke, please."

"You got it. You want the melt cut into stars or triangles today?"

"He'll have a normal sandwich. He's nineteen not nine." Tim cut in before Kirk had time to respond, frustration evident in his tone. He took a deep breath and forced a smile onto his face. "That's ok, right, Kirk? You'll eat a normal sandwich, won't you?"

Kirk nodded his head. "A normal sandwich is fine, Luke. Thanks."

"Ok." Luke took the offered menus from Kirk's father. "Two normal sandwiches, coming right up." Luke had a bad feeling in his gut as he headed to the kitchen to give Caesar the order slip.

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A few days later, Luke was cleaning up during the mid-afternoon lull at the diner as a table of two lingered over their coffee, chatting quietly. Kirk hadn't been in since the day of the funeral, and Luke was worried about him. He had wanted to give Kirk and his father space, but he was starting to wonder if he should go by the kid's house and check up on him. Maybe bring him some food as an excuse for stopping by. Luke was pulled out of his thoughts by the jingling of the bell on the door and looked up to see the girl Jess had dated before he had gotten together with Rory. Luke tried to school his features to hide his surprise as she walked up to the counter. "Hi Luke, is Jess here?"

"Uh, hi Shane. No, he's not. His shift doesn't start until three o'clock. Sometimes he takes a walk after school before he comes in. But, he should be here in a few minutes."

"Oh. Is it cool if I wait for him?"

"Uh, sure." Luke watched with trepidation as Shane took a seat at the counter. He wanted to know why this girl was here and what she wanted with Jess. It was early February and these two had broken up before Thanksgiving. Luke had been relieved when Jess had moved on from this girl, who the boy seemed to merely tolerate as a make-out buddy, and had started dating Rory instead. Something about this girl unnerved him. He supposed it was her total lack of concern about making out with his nephew in front of him. At least Rory had the decency to pull away from Jess when Luke walked in on them. "Uh, you do know Jess is dating Rory now, right?"

Shane let out a sharp exhale. "Yeah, I know. I could tell he was into her from the day she got back to town in September. I guess he finally got what he wanted." She didn't sound bitter, exactly, but Luke could tell she was upset about something. "And don't worry, I'm not trying to get back together with your son or anything."

Luke frowned. "Jess is my nephew, not my son. Wow, you two really didn't talk at all when you were dating, did you?" Luke had meant it as a joke, since he had never seen Jess with this girl when their mouths hadn't been occupied with some form of making out. He regretted the comment instantly when Shane looked back at him with an expression of teenage anger on her face that fell short of masking the hurt in her eyes. Luke didn't know what was wrong with him sometimes. This was a kid who had been dumped by someone who hadn't even bothered to treat her well when they were together. It was natural that she would be sensitive about the relationship, and not want to be teased about it. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

The girl shrugged, still offended, but softening at the apology. "It's fine. Jess didn't like to talk about his family. At least not with me. He lived with you and you gave him a curfew, so I guess I just assumed you were his father. I thought you were just one of those parents who liked to be called by their first name because it made you feel young or something."

Luke laughed. "If I wanted to feel young, I'd get rid of Jess all together. All that kid does is give me grey hair." "Hey, you want a soda or something while you wait?"

"Oh, uh, no thanks. Could I maybe get an herbal tea though?" Luke eyes widened and he felt his heart rate pick up as he watched Shane bring the palm of her right hand to rest briefly, blink and you'd miss it briefly, on her belly as she placed her herbal tea order. He didn't think the girl even realized she had done it until she registered the shocked look on his face and had looked back at him with big eyes of her own. He turned quickly away from the counter in an effort to conceal his reaction and set about filling a mug with hot water. He couldn't believe this was happening. He didn't trust himself to speak to list the tea selection, so he brought her an assortment of flavored tea bags. He should have seen this coming. She honestly didn't seem like she was trying to get Jess back. And for what other reason does a woman track down an ex to talk? Pregnancy or an STD are the only reasons Luke could come up with. Even amid the pulsing panic in his brain, he recognized that he should be grateful it was the former, instead of a life-threatening form of the latter. Luke wasn't sure whether he should acknowledge her slip or just ignore it until Jess arrived. Luke felt helpless and awkward. He wondered if a real parent would know what to do in this situation.

Luke was saved by Jess walking into the diner. The boy stopped short a few feet from the counter at the sight of his ex-girlfriend. "Hi, Jess." Shane started. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Jess regained his composure and walked around the end of the counter, as far from Shane as he could get. "I can't now. I have to start my shift."

Shane's neutral expression faltered, and she sighed. Something about Shane sitting there, eyes cast down, already looking defeated, triggered Luke's paternal instincts and he decided to intercede. He knew from personal experience how difficult it was to get Jess to listen when he didn't want to. And this was important. This was something Jess needed to hear. "You know what, it's fine, Jess. Why don't you two go upstairs and talk? It's pretty dead right now. I can handle it by myself for a while."

Jess scowled at his uncle. "Luke, I don't think-"

"I just need a few minutes, Jess." Shane cut in. "Please. It won't take long."

"What is this about?" Jess had a nervous feeling growing in his stomach, knowing this couldn't be anything good. Shane hadn't flirted with him or really talked to him since he had ended things after the dance marathon. She barely even looked at him in class. He didn't think she was trying to get back together.

"I'd really rather discuss it in private. Just five minutes, Jess. Please."

"Jess, you should go talk to Shane. I'm serious. Don't be rude."

"Jeez Luke, just stay out of-"

"Jess!" Both kids startled at Luke's raised voice, but it had the desired effect of stopping Jess' arguing. Conversation stopped at the table for two as the diners stared at Luke in surprise. The woman whispered something to the man, and he put cash on the table with their bill before they quickly exited the diner.

"Fine, jeez!" Jess snapped, feeling ganged up on and cornered, and more than a little embarrassed. He needed air. "Let's go talk outside."

"Just a minute, let me get you a to-go cup for your tea, Shane. It's cold out there." Jess sighed as Luke transferred the hot water and tea bag into a cardboard to-go cup with a plastic lid and handed it back to Shane, who was pulling out her wallet. "Here you go. No charge, it's on the house."

Shane gave him a small smile as she took the cup and got up to follow Jess outside. "Thanks."

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"I'm pregnant." Jess felt his mind implode at her words. His stomach dropped like he was on a roller coaster. He suddenly felt like he wasn't getting enough air. Like there wasn't enough air in Stars Hollow. Time seemed to stop as his vision tunneled down to the swan he had been watching as it made its way across the lake from where he and Shane sat on the edge of Larson's dock. He knew he needed to respond. To look at her. He tried to take a deep breath, to get some oxygen flowing to his brain again.

"How?" He looked at Shane then, in time to see her annoyed look and realize the idiocy of his question. "Sorry, I don't mean how. I mean, uh…...I don't know…...Are you sure?"

She spoke to him slowly. "Yes, Jess, I'm sure. I wouldn't have come to you otherwise. I took a few home tests and then my mom took me to the doctor for an official test last week."

"And, uh, are you sure it's mine?"

Her expression told him she had been expecting this question, even if it hurt her to hear it. "Yes, I'm sure. I've only gone all the way with two guys in my life, Jess. The first was over a year ago. You were number two."

Jess took this in. "And no one since me?"

Shane sighed. "No, Jess. No one since you. I've been taking a break from guys. I'm not the one who started dated someone new five minutes after we broke up." "And, anyway, the doctor says I'm about three and a half months along, meaning it happened in late October, when we were still together. I think it was that time we didn't use a condom and you pulled out." "Guess you weren't as quick on the draw as you thought you were."

Jess sat in silence, processing. He remembered that night. The only time in his life he had ever had sex without a condom. He had run into Rory for the first time in months that day. She was soaking wet and looking for someone to help her turn off the water in her neighbor's yard. He had rushed to the rescue and they had stood there, both dripping wet and out of breath, unable to look away from each other. Somehow their shared wetness lent the moment more gravitas in Jess' mind. He had wanted nothing more than to pull her toward him, to lose himself in her. That moment felt like what they had been meant to have from the first time he had met her. He was sure it was the start of them, together. Then Rory had received a page from Dean. He was on his way over to help. Jess had turned the water back on, and walked away, feeling vulnerable and foolish, the whole encounter feeling like a reminder of the life he wasn't good enough to have. Later that night, when he had been in Shane's bedroom, her mother at work, her little sister watching television downstairs, he had been overcome with the need to fuck Rory out of his system. To get Rory and Dean out of his head, and to reassure himself that he could be wanted. That he was good enough. Neither of them had a condom, which usually would have stopped them, but he had been so hell bent on validating himself and soothing his hurt feelings that he had used all his charm to talk Shane into doing it anyway. Promising he would pull out in time. Lying to assure her that he had done it this way with other girls before and never had a problem. The only thing that had mattered was what he wanted. The only people he had cared about were himself and the vision of Rory haunting his thoughts. He felt flooded with shame and guilt at the recollection. And, now he was finally in a relationship with Rory. Things were actually going well between them and he had managed to go over two months without messing it up. But apparently it still wasn't his to have. His stupid selfishness one night three months ago was going to cost him everything. And what hurt the worst was that this time there was no way to blame Dean or anyone else if he lost Rory. He would be his fault alone.

"I'm so sorry, Shane. Seriously. I never should have made you do it without a condom. God, I'm such an idiot!"

Shane sighed. "It was my fault, too, Jess. It's not like you forced me. I knew it was stupid at the time. You wanted it so bad, and I wanted to make you happy. I shouldn't have agreed."

Jess looked at her then. He could feel his blood pulsing through his veins and pounding in his head. But, mostly he felt shock. "How can you be so calm?"

Shane laughed softly. "I'm really not calm. I'm freaking out every second of the day. I'm scared all the time. I'm so scared, Jess! Of everything. Of being a mom so young, and not knowing what I'm doing and messing this kid up. Of what people are going to think. Of how much harder this is going to make everything…I've just had a few more weeks to get used to the idea. So, I can talk about it like I'm calm now, even though I'm not really. I stayed in bed and cried for a whole day after I took the first home test. I couldn't deal with it. I still cry about it almost every night in bed. And sometimes during the day when someone brings up going to college after we graduate, or traveling, or moving out of Stars Hollow, or going out on a date with a new guy, or anything else that I'm going to miss out on because I'll be home changing diapers. And I freak out about what I'm going to do with my life, and how I'm going to support myself and raise this whole other little person." Shane's eyes were damp and she reached up to wipe away the lone tear that had slipped out.

Jess reached out a hand tentatively and rubbed Shane's arm through her jacket. He wasn't sure how to be comforting or what she would welcome from him in this situation. He knew he hadn't treated her very well when they had dated, and he wouldn't be surprised if she hated him for it. "How come you waited so long to tell me?"

Shane shrugged. "I was kind of in denial for the first couple of months. I missed my period, which should have made it pretty clear, I guess, but I just didn't let myself think about what that meant. I probably would have gone on like that until I started showing and couldn't hide from it anymore, except my mom noticed that I hadn't opened the box of tampons in the bathroom that she had bought me back in November. When she asked me what was going on, I just started crying and couldn't stop. I think I knew deep down the whole time. I could feel it. I just couldn't deal with it."

"How did your mom take it?" Jess' mind went back to Luke being so adamant that he talk to Shane. "Wait, did you tell Luke?"

"No, but I think he suspected. I wouldn't take a soda, and I asked for herbal tea instead, and I put my hand on my stomach without realizing what I was doing. He looked really freaked out so I think he put it together, but you walked in before he could say anything."

"Oh." On one hand, Jess was relieved that Luke would already have had some time to process this before he got back home. But, on the other, he knew he was dead. "He's going to kill me."

"I don't know your uncle, but I can tell you my mom has been awesome. She took it so much better than I expected her to. She's been really big on focusing on what we need to do and moving forward. Getting me prenatal vitamins and setting up my doctor's appointments and getting me pregnancy books. She really hasn't blamed me or acted disappointed in me, like I thought she would. Maybe Luke will surprise you, too, if you give him a chance." Shane started to smile a little. "I would recommend you cry a lot, though. My mom was definitely mad at first, but I think seeing me cry my eyes out over it was what made her switch from pissed-mom mode to comforting mode."

Jess nodded, a small smile forming on his lips. "Turn on the waterworks and throw myself at his mercy. Got it. Thanks for the advice."

"No problem. Anyway, I should get going. But, I want you to know something, Jess. I'm not expecting anything from you. I know you've moved on and you're dating someone. I don't want anything like that from you. I just wanted you to know about the baby. And that I think it would be really great if its dad wanted to be its dad, you know. I would love it if this baby got to have both its parents in its life. But, that's really up to you. I know I'm springing this on you, so why don't you take some time to think and maybe we can meet up again in a few weeks."

Jess nodded, and mirrored Shane's movements, rising to his feet. "Uh, can I ask you one more thing? And, you can feel free to slap me if this is totally offensive-"

"Jess, stop. I'm not getting an abortion. I don't even want to talk about it. I never considered myself a serious Catholic, but I did go to Catholic grammar school before I ended up at Stars Hollow High and I guess more of if sunk in than I thought, because I won't even consider abortion. It's not the right choice for me."

Jess saw the last hope he had been subconsciously clutching at slipping away. He couldn't think of how to respond, but he felt like he should say something. "I, uh, didn't know you were Catholic."

Shane gave him a strange look. "Seriously? My last name is usually a giveaway for most people."

"Oh, yeah, of course." Jess tried not to look as uncomfortable as he felt. "I just, uh…never thought about the connection, I guess."

Shane rolled her eyes. "It's McMurphy, Jess. That's my last name."

Jess nodded wordlessly, trying not to do any more damage than he already had. Shane didn't look angry, only sad, as she turned and walked away. Jess watched her go, feeling like more of an asshole than he had in a while. Then he sat back down to think. He wasn't ready to face Luke yet.