Title: All Those Childish Fears Just Ain't For Me
Rating: T
Word Count: 5,300+
Characters: Jason/Reyna
Summary: He doesn't really know where he stands with her anymore. He thought he had a pretty good sense before Juno kidnapped him, but now everything is blurred again.
Note: Inspired by the lyrics of "She's Not Afraid" by One Direction.
All Those Childish Fears Just Ain't For Me
He'd expected that returning to Camp Jupiter would be hard. He expected that earning Reyna's trust would be even harder, and that trying to rebuild their relationship—one that took years of late nights and long quests and praetor duties—would be the hardest thing he's ever done.
He hadn't expected to be invited to a movie night in San Francisco almost immediately after returning from Camp Half-Blood.
But that's exactly where he finds himself on this particular night, walking beside Reyna out of one of the theaters of Century 21, an empty popcorn bucket in hand. Their friends are walking a little ahead of them, talking animatedly about the movie, and the moment is a little strange to Jason. The night is so peaceful, the feeling of being surrounded by his chaotic group of friends so familiar. It's as if the war against Gaea had never happened, as if he hadn't disappeared and consequentially left them—left her—behind for eight months.
It seemed too easy.
Maybe he's overthinking this or just taking it for granted, but after everything they'd gone through, he'd gotten used unfavorable situations. So much so that now that he's in an ideal one—home once again, surrounded by some of his oldest and closest friends, all of that trouble caused by Juno and Gaea behind them—that it seemed too good to be true.
Reyna must sense this, too, because she asks, "Is something wrong?"
"No." He tosses his bucket into a trash can as they walk by it. "Not unless you consider eating a large bucket of popcorn and still being hungry a problem."
"Jason, what's wrong?"
Yeah, he should've known that Reyna could still read him as easily as Latin. After all, out of everything that changed over the last year, that part of their relationship seemed perfectly intact.
"It's just nice, you know?" He looks up at the sky—clear and black, dotted with millions of stars. He could name the constellations pretty easily, but he'd rather make up his own pictures. It's something he and Reyna used to do it all the time between stacks of paperwork during late nights. "It's nice getting to take some time off."
"It is," she agrees, though he can tell by her tone that she knows there's more he's not telling her.
He exhales. "I just can't shake the feeling that it's going to be ripped out from underneath me, like if I let myself really enjoy it then something bad is going to happen."
"Jason…"
"I know, it's stupid," he says.
"It's not stupid at all. It's understandable."
He looks down at her. Her eyes are still looking forward, in the direction of their friends, but he can just tell that her mind is elsewhere. Her words hang in the air, weighing down his thoughts, and he knows that there's so much more to them than her just sympathizing with his feelings.
But as he's waiting for her to explain her own feelings about this moment and everything else, she doesn't elaborate. The silence between them is almost deafening.
And that's when he gets it.
Of course she's not going to tell him about her thoughts, or any other personal matter. This is his catch.
Her trust—he's going to have to earn it all over again.
... ...
"Good morning," he greets.
"Hi," she says back, opening the door a little more before stepping back into her villa. "Excuse me, I'm running a little behind."
"You overslept?" He grins teasingly. "I'm ready before you? I can't believe it."
She laughs dryly like she always used to whenever he'd tease her, disappearing into her bedroom to put on her armor and toga. Normally, he'd just laugh in response and follow her into her room, but he doesn't really feel like laughing much as he pulls up a chair and sits himself at the kitchen table.
It's hard, being around her.
It's probably not easy at all for her, either. But everything is so strange and messed up and he hates it.
He doesn't really know where he stands with her anymore. He thought he had a pretty good sense before Juno kidnapped him (he remembers, now, how much he'd wanted to make them official), but now everything is blurred again. There are times when it feels like it used to between them, when they'd make each other laugh or tease each other or challenge each other in everything, just to make all of the serious business they deal with a little more entertaining. In those moments, it feels exactly how it should be.
But now those moments are almost always followed by moments where he hits a wall, where she shuts him out like he's a perfect stranger.
He hates it. He really, really hates it.
It's like they're starting over again, like she's that hostile, untrusting girl that Gwen and Dakota brought to Camp Jupiter on their way home from a quest. And honestly, it's probably worse. At least when she'd been cautious and defensive, it wasn't because of him specifically.
Now she acts like they're still friends but keeps him at arm's length. It makes him feel as though that she's willing to settle for this because it's not even worth it anymore to make him work for it again because she's given up on salvaging what they had.
Maybe she has.
He wouldn't blame her if she did.
Reyna emerges from her room, pulling him from his thoughts, and he stands up and pushes the chair back into place. She's in her armor now and adjusting her toga, but her hair is still loose and tumbling down over her back rather than pulled into its usual braid. He likes it better when it's down like this, though she's beautiful either way.
He walks over to her and reaches for her hair. They worked a lot of late nights, and even though he still teases her about it, it's not like this is the first time she's overslept (even if her definition of oversleeping is not waking up before the crack of dawn). He'd gotten used to braiding and unbraiding her hair for her.
But when he does this, she tenses a little and pivots to face him, putting distance between them once more.
He pulls his hand back, about to mutter an apology, but she calls out, "Aurum, Argentum, tempus ire est!" and heads for the door as if nothing had happened.
... ...
"She needs time, Jay."
This is from Hazel as they're walking through New Room, both of them bearing a hot chocolate in one hand and a chocolate croissant in the other. He looks at her as she nibbles on the bread, and for a second, he can't help but find it crazy that sometimes she has this massive appetite and other times it takes her half an hour to finish a piece of toast.
Then she adds, "You know how Rey is," and he drinks his hot chocolate instead of sighing in frustration like he wants to. It's not Hazel's fault, obviously, and he doesn't want to be upset with her when she's just trying to help him through his.
Because the fact is that yes, he knows Reyna—very well, actually—but she acts like he doesn't.
That's kind of the entire problem, here.
"I know," he says after a moment. "And she has every right to be this way. I know I'm lucky enough that we're still… well, whatever we are."
"You're friends," she reminds.
"Are we?" He takes a bite out of his croissant somewhat angrily, nearly swallowing it whole. "It's kind of hard to tell lately."
"She's trying, Jay. You know she is," Hazel insists. "It's just that… Your disappearance was hard on all of us, but it affected Reyna the most. She couldn't properly worry or mourn because she had to pacify Octavian and the Senate and still take care of Camp. She had such a hard time keeping it together, and then you showed up with Piper and—"
His fist tightens, squeezing the bottom half of his croissant together, and Hazel's eyes widen.
"I'm not saying that it was your fault," she rushes to correct herself, "or that Piper stole you or… Look, your memories were taken away. We can't change what Juno did and Reyna understands this. But she still took it really, really hard."
"I know," he sighs.
"Honestly, Jay, I don't think that you do."
He looks at her.
"I'm not calling you inconsiderate or anything, but you didn't see her," Hazel explains, making a pained face. Whatever she must be recalling probably isn't pretty if it makes her eyes water almost immediately. "She was so lost and she still had to put on a brave face for everyone else, especially when people kept telling her to give up on you."
His eyes snap onto Hazel, and she blushes a little like she just realized what she said. "Who told her that?"
"I didn't. None of us did," she amends, and he knows that he means their particular group of friends. "But I think Gwen might have—"
"Gwen?"
"Jason," Hazel says, stepping in front of him. He stops walking, and they're just standing there now, facing each other. "Don't be mad at Gwen, okay? You know that she loves you both, but like I said, you didn't see Reyna. Of course Gwen is going to try and help her, even if—"
"Even if that means writing me off?" he asks.
Hazel looks down at their feet.
"She was heartbroken," she says quietly, and whatever anger Jason felt quickly dissolves, replaced by guilt for even being angry at all over something that's basically his fault. "We were just trying to protect her in our own way. For all we knew, you could've been dead"—her voice cracks on the word, and he winces—"and it was scary."
"I'm sorry that I put you guys through that." He exhales a little bitterly, shaking his head. "I can't believe I'm only apologizing for that right now."
"You're back now," Hazel reminds, and he opens his eyes to find her smiling, a tear rolling down her cheek. "Even if it doesn't seem like it, that's all that really matters—to all of us and to Reyna. She still loves you."
Despite his own doubts, he nods, because maybe it's true.
And for now, that would have to be enough.
... ...
He runs into Gwen in New Rome a few days later, and she looks like she's tearing up, too. She tries to apologize, managing to get out, "Jay, I'm so… I was just trying to—" before he grasps her by her elbows and she cuts herself off.
"Thank you for being there for her," he tells her, and she exhales shakily. "And I'm sorry for leaving."
"It was Juno's choice, not yours," she reminds, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him tightly. And as he's hugging her back just as tightly, he tries to convince himself that this is true. But he just can't.
After all, it wasn't Juno that had chosen Piper over Reyna.
... ...
It's pretty late at night as he's walking with Reyna from the Fifth Cohort, because they were with their friends and a meaningless conversation got carried away at their meeting until Bobby noticed that it was dark outside and that they should all head home. They're not talking, but that's mostly because they just did a lot of talking at the Fifth Cohort and because he has an open bag of jelly beans in his hand and they're munching on those, with him holding it out for her every so often when he knows that her handful is almost gone.
When they reach her villa, she stands in front of her door and turns to face him, giving him a small smile. He returns it, of course, but it's been a while since he's actually walked her up to her door in the middle of the night and it's not like he can just kiss her like he could before.
Instead, he hands her the bag of jelly beans.
She laughs a little.
"Thank you," she says, and he shrugs his shoulders. "Thank you for walking me home, too."
"No problem," he tells her, taking a step back in order to avoid an awkward pause that's sure to follow this conversation. "Goodnight, Rey."
"Goodnight," she replies faintly, almost distractedly.
He starts to walk away, but then he feels a hand grasp his shoulder, turning him back around so that he's facing her again. He furrows his eyebrows, about to ask what's wrong.
But then she slides her hand from his shoulder, her fingertips sliding up his neck and along his jaw, grazing his scalp as she threads them into his hair. He swallows, hard, and tries to meet her eyes, but she's staring at his lips. Then she takes a step forward, pressing her chest against his and pulling him into a kiss.
He doesn't stumble in surprise, or hesitate out of shock; just slides his hands over her hips and kisses her back. It's instinctual, and honestly, it's not like this is the first time they've ever kissed.
What does surprise him, though, is how she's kissing him.
It's heady, almost intense, like all of her emotions are just flooding out and crashing down on the both of them. And maybe that's exactly what this is. After all, Reyna isn't the kind of girl to go around and kissing people, and if these past few weeks have been hard on him, he can only imagine what she must be going through every day.
He pulls her closer and presses a hand into the small of her back, just underneath her armor, and she makes this noise that would be entirely inappropriate if this were taking place during daylight.
But this seems to snap her out of whatever trance she must've been in, because she tenses shortly after hearing herself and pulls away abruptly. Even in the dark, he can tell her cheeks are flushed. And even in the dark, he can tell that while her eyes are staring back at him, her thoughts are racing.
She blinks a few times, her long eyelashes fluttering.
Then she takes a few steps back, until she's able to nudge her door open with her foot.
"Goodnight, Jason," she tells him, and when he doesn't respond, she slips into her villa and closes the door softly. He remains standing there, staring at it until the sound of jelly beans being poured into a bowl snaps him out of it, and he walks away.
... ...
He wants to be mad at her about last night, or at least a bit upset, but he can't. It's not even because he tried justifying her keeping him at arm's distance and then kissing him, and then acting the next day as if nothing happened.
It's just that he loves her too much to really be mad at her.
And he does—he loves her.
It's so, so stupid that he's so sure of it now, after all of the heartache and struggle for both of them, when he'd wasted the time they'd had together before Juno kidnapped him because he was doubtful of himself and unsure of how she really felt about him and, honestly? He was afraid, of a lot of things.
He's wondered, more than once, if maybe he could've remembered Reyna the way Percy remembered Annabeth—right from the beginning—if he'd been less unsure.
Maybe he shouldn't be comparing what he had with Reyna with Percy and Annabeth's relationship, because he knows that they've known each other longer and their history runs a little deeper, but he can't help it. Percy is the only other person who knows what he went through—what it felt like to figure out that you lived this entirely different life but you just couldn't force yourself to remember it—but the only difference is that Percy remembered, even a little.
He'd talked about it with Percy, once, when they were returning to Camp Half-Blood on the Argo II and Annabeth had told them about her plea to Reyna. He knew Reyna could be in so much danger if anyone learned about her working with the Greek, even if it was for peace, and it took him being sickeningly worried to remind him how much he loved her.
Percy guessed that the reason he only remembered Annabeth clearly was because his feelings for her was the only thing he was ever confident about, even if he hadn't known they were even there since they first met.
If Jason based it off of Percy's theory, he didn't remember Reyna because of all of his doubt.
And now that he's so sure of his feelings for her, the relationship between them that developed those feelings in the first place is practically nonexistent.
The gods are cruel that way, he supposes.
... ...
He just watches her one day as she's addressing the Senate, discussing more matters having to do with their newly formed partnership with Camp Half-Blood.
It's almost unreal how beautiful she is when she's confident.
When she's standing there, alone, with her head held high and her expression calm and professional, it's hard not to be totally drawn in by her voice. It's regal and commanding, the way she speaks, and she doesn't at all seem afraid of all the attention in the room that's focused on her. Eyes that are supposed to be scrutinizing her are simply drawn in.
She's almost as beautiful like this, poised and perfect, as she is when she's the complete opposite—her guard down and her smile carefree, almost childish, even.
(In his opinion, that's when she's at her best.)
When the meeting is adjourned and Hazel Levesque has been confirmed as the official liaison between their two camps, Reyna bows respectfully and everyone begins standing and moving around, ready to leave.
She walks over to him, running her fingers along her braid like she does when she's trying to get rid of nerves.
"How did I do?" she asks, barely above a whisper, and he laughs.
"You were perfect," he tells her, meaning it.
Her answering smile is dazzling, relieved and reassured by his answer, and for this one moment, everything feels just like it used to be.
... ...
"These still need your signature," he says, scribbling her name onto a post-it and sticking it on top of a stack of papers. Then he pulls another stack of papers closer, glances at the top sheet quickly before scribbling his own name onto another post-it and sticking it on.
Reyna reaches for the stack with her name, but he slides it along the floor and out of her grasp. She gives him a look.
"You need a break," he tells her.
"Jason—"
"Okay, poor choice of words," he admits. He pushes aside a pile if papers and retrieves the bag of jelly beans he'd bought for tonight, smiling at the way her eyes widen just a little bit when she sees them. He'll never get over how big of a sweet tooth she has. "What I meant to say," he corrects, tearing the bag open, "is that you should take a break."
She presses her lips together like she does when she's contemplating.
He plucks a red jelly bean from the bag and pops it into his mouth, holding them out to her.
"Fine," she agrees, trying to sound more reluctant than she really is (which he never understood because if she really didn't want to do something, she just wouldn't). She scoops a few jelly beans in her hand and pours them into her mouth.
This has always been their thing, sharing a comfortable silence while eating from jelly beans from the bag. It gives him a little hope, knowing that some things may never change.
She munches on a few more jelly beans before pulling the elastic from the end of her braid, running her fingers through her hair to untangle it. He has the strongest urge to push his fingers through her hair, to massage her scalp and relieve it from being tugged tightly into her braid like he always would, but he manages to resist it.
"Sometimes I really hate this stuff," she sighs, gesturing towards the paperwork spread out on the floor. "My life would be so much simpler if I could just be a camper and not have to worry about running the camp, you know?"
"But you love being a praetor," he says, as if she needed a reminder.
She smiles a little. "I do."
"So it's all worth it in the end, right?"
"Yeah," she agrees. "But sometimes it's just easy to lose myself in the stress and want to quit."
He looks at her as she's staring at the wall, her eyes distant.
"If you love something enough, then I don't think there is such a thing as quitting."
His voice is soft, practically nonexistent, and she turns to meet his stare. She knows that he's not just talking about being a praetor. He can see it in her eyes that she knows he's talking about himself, talking about having to put up with everything just because he has a lingering hope that, someday, they'll be together like they wanted to be before.
Something flickers behind her eyes, and he doesn't move as she shifts, closing the small distance between them.
Then she's pressing her lips over his and kissing him as intensely as she had the other night, maybe even more so. He lets out a throaty groan as she straddles his lap, and when she pushes the bag out of his hand, he barely registers the sound of the jelly beans scattering across the tile as he's pushing his fingers into her hair, bringing her closer.
... ...
The door makes a loud sound as it slams closed, but he doesn't think either of them really noticed.
They lasted half an hour.
They were in his villa, with her rearranging his closet (he thought it was fine, but apparently the untidiness of it was driving her crazy) and him sitting at his desk and taking notes as they go down a list of things the Senate asked them to take care of for Camp.
Then he looked up as she was pulling off her purple toga and armor, discarding them onto the bed and leaving her standing there in a white tank and her jean shorts. It's not like this is the first time she's done this with him in the room, because they always have a lot going on and sometimes she gets distracted and just forgets to change into something more comfortable until the armor is already digging into her skin from being worn all day. But it's the first time this has happened since everything, and he wasn't expecting it.
She must've not realized what she just did, either, because she stiffened a little once their eyes met, like she was just remembering that she wasn't supposed to be so comfortable with him around.
But then he crossed the room, let her press her fingers into the back of his neck and bring him into a kiss before he pushed her back against the door, shutting it closed as he pressed up against her and kissed even harder.
This has been happening a lot lately, these heady and passionate kisses in the late hours of the night, when their exhaustion is starting to get the better of them and the tension of the day has built up to a bursting point. She's always the one to initiate, but as soon as she does, it's easy for him to lose what little restraint he has left.
"Jason," she breathes.
His lips find her pulse and she moans and arches against him, brushing her hip against his.
He groans lowly, sucking down on the spot on her neck that he knows can be hidden by her toga if she places it just right. He kisses his way up her neck, along the underside of her jaw, kissing the point where it meets her throat.
"I love you," he murmurs.
"No you don't," she whispers, letting out a soft mewl when he nips at her skin. He hates that she always says this whenever he says he loves her, but when he pulls away, she lets out this whimper that makes his heart crumple at how vulnerable it sounds. "Jason," she says softly, like every other time he tries to be upset with her.
And like every other time, he gives in, kissing her harder and bringing her closer.
... ...
"Sounds rough, man," Percy exhales, sounding sympathetic.
Jason nods, taking a sip of his water. He hasn't told anyone else about him and Reyna except for Percy, because, for whatever reason, he just felt like Percy would be the only one who would understand.
"I don't know what to do," Jason admits.
He looks at Percy and then follows his gaze to where Reyna and Annabeth are sitting on the grass, their sandals pulled off and their feet in the water of the lake. Somehow, it makes sense that those two would become so close—alike enough that their strong personalities don't clash, but also different enough to keep their friendship dynamic.
"Well," Percy says after a moment of just watching the girls talk, "She loves you. That's a start."
Jason looks at him. "What?"
"She loves you," Percy repeats, and then blinks, turning to look at Jason with an almost equally surprised expression. "You can't tell, can you?"
"Percy, she's practically given up on us," Jason reminds. "Were you not listening?"
"I was listening. And what I heard was that Reyna loves you a lot, maybe even more than she did when I'd met her."
Jason shakes his head.
"You must get that from her," Percy mutters, and Jason arches an eyebrow. "You're denying something you obviously already know. Jason, you know Reyna a lot better than I do, and I know that Reyna isn't the kind of girl to just kiss someone—especially more than once—unless she has strong feelings for them."
"Percy—"
"And I don't know about you," Percy continues as if Jason hadn't spoken, "but from what I've learned about Reyna, there's only one boy she's ever had strong feelings for."
Jason opens his mouth to respond, but then a voice calls out, "Percy!" and they both turn to find Annabeth and Reyna looking back at them. Percy gets a goofy smile on his face like he does whenever he looks at Annabeth, and Jason jogs with him to where the girls are sitting. Percy drops to his knees beside Annabeth, tipping her chin back a little and pressing his lips to hers in a kiss that—had they had company other than him and Reyna—would've probably been considered inappropriate. Reyna laughs a little, looking away from them.
Jason reaches out experimentally, pushing her bangs from her face, and she meets his eyes. He stares back at her, waiting for the pulling away he'd become used to from her whenever he did something like that.
But this time she just gives him this smile that he swears he hasn't seen on her in such a long time. And he can't help but return it.
Maybe Percy's right.
... ...
They go out to dinner and a movie with their friends for Gwen's birthday, except she thought it'd be fun if they sort of dressed up, just because they never get to. So he wears a dark gray suit with a bowtie instead of the khakis-and-sweater he was going to.
Reyna, of course, looks stunning.
She wears a dark blue dress with a low cut that hugs her curves. It's covered in black lace, which matches her black shawl, and her hair out its usual braid and pulled into in this side ponytail that's pushed over her shoulder. He probably looked like an idiot just staring at her with his mouth parted slightly when he first saw her at the bridge (of course she was the first one to arrive, a minute before the agreed time), but she just smiled at him like she didn't mind at all.
As they're leaving the theater and making their way to the restaurant, he finds himself walking beside Reyna a little behind their friends like it had been before. But unlike that time, he doesn't feel unsettled. He feels calm—relaxed, even—as he watches in amusement as Dakota imitates the creature from the horror film they just watched, making Hazel yelp.
She shoves his shoulders, pouting, and his chuckle gets drowned underneath their laughter.
"It's cute," Reyna says. He looks at her, and Reyna nods towards Hazel. "Sometimes I forget how young she is. She's usually so brave and mature, so seeing her freak out over a scary movie is almost strange."
"I know what you mean," he agrees. "Of course, you're not afraid, aren't you?"
She shakes her head.
"Nothing has ever really scared you, huh?" He chuckles, shaking his head. "You've never been afraid of anything."
She shrugs her shoulders a little. "There are things I'm afraid of," she says in this soft voice.
Gwen calls out for them before he can respond, and it's not until later—when they're back at Camp and he's walking her to her villa—that he brings it up again.
"Rey, I'm sorry about what I said earlier."
She shakes her head, trying to dismiss it, but he grasps her elbow and stops them right in front of her door. It's really dark out, but that doesn't stop him from seeing the fear in her eyes when she looks at him. He didn't really get it until he talked to Percy, but now he knows that that's what's been making Reyna act so strangely ever since he came back.
She's afraid of letting herself love him like she did before because of what happened.
But she does love him—he sees it now. It's just that her being afraid of what might happen has been conflicting with her feelings with him, confusing her.
"What you said that other time we went to the movies," he says, barely above a whisper. "When you said that you understood… What did you mean by that?"
She looks away. "It sounds like you already know."
"Can you say it?" he pleads. "I hate not knowing what you're thinking."
"You've always known what I've thought!" she whispers harshly, still not looking at him. "Ever since we met, it seems like no matter what I tried, you managed to figure me out one way or another. And it's scary that you know me that well. It's… It's scary that I feel this way about you."
"And why is that scary?" he asks softly.
"You said it yourself—every time it seems like things are going our way, something just takes it away from us. I already lost you once—"
"I came back."
She shakes her head. "It was so hard, Jason, and—"
"I came back," he repeats, slowly this time so that every word sinks in.
She nods slowly.
"Reyna," he says gently, and she finally looks up at him. "I love you. You know that, right?"
She exhales shakily, almost in relief. "I know," she tells him. "I love you, too."
He smiles widely at the words, presses her back gently against the door and kisses her right there, underneath the stars.