Eli Ayase was perfection itself. She walked as light as air, carried herself as bright as the sun. She excelled at nearly everything she tried, and moved and spoke with the elegance of a celestial being only briefly crossing the earthly plain. At least, that's what Nozomi thought, until she saw Eli unspool in front of her, the golden thread she had fought so hard to keep together unwinding and collapsing all at once.
It was their first year of high school, and Nozomi had just returned to their classroom after realizing she had forgotten her bag. The scene she saw then would be forever christened in her mind. Eli was sprawled across her desk, bathed in the light of the setting sun filtering in from the window—and sobbing. They were not the gentle, elegant sobs she might expect from someone with an air of dignity; they were loud, ugly, body wracking sobs, and if Nozomi had not known better, she would have thought they were coming from a very small child.
They weren't quite "friends" yet. They walked home together sometimes, sat next to each other in class, and studied together on occasion. But this was not the cool, collected, almost irritable Eli she had come to know her as. This was something new, something different from her blinding perfection—radiant in the bittersweet way the sun hangs over the edge of the horizon before plunging the earth into darkness. Without thinking, Nozomi's legs carried her towards Eli seemingly on their own.
"Are you lonely?"
Eli's piercing sapphires, clouded by tears, met Nozomi's eyes with bewilderment and embarrassment. She watched as Eli helplessly tried to pick up the pieces of her shattered image, hastily rubbing her eyes, looking this way and that as if searching for escape.
"Everyone needs this every once in awhile. You don't have to shoulder it alone." Nozomi extended her arms as if she had been waiting her whole life to do this, surprised when Eli leapt into them, clutching at her sleeves and openly sobbing into her blazer. Nozomi smoothed her hand over Eli's golden hair, and she didn't move until her sobs had quelled and her uniform had been thoroughly soaked.
Nozomi wasn't sure why she had questioned her then. Perhaps, she thought, it was because she was desperate to find herself in the girl who always held her head so high. She'd find out soon enough that Eli's cold exterior was entirely crafted; the poor girl could scarcely get through a single day without breaking down. Nozomi was the first person to witness her well-kept secret, and it was all it took for Eli to let her in. From then on, Nozomi made it a priority to be there for her whenever the world felt too heavy. Slowly, Eli began to confide in her completely; she told her all her worries and fears, big and small.
But mostly, she cried.
She cried about everything and nothing, but only when Nozomi was around. Nozomi would never tell, but she relished in it—in this secret side of Eli that only she could see.
As the years passed, Nozomi stayed diligently by Eli's side and supported her in whatever endeavors she decided to take up. When Eli joined the student council, Nozomi joined too. And finally, finally—Nozomi watched Eli come into her own when they joined Muse together.
But the more Eli grew and bloomed into the person she was meant to be, the more weaknesses and imperfections she unveiled, the more Nozomi began to realize. Her motives weren't exclusively driven by the desire to see her friend find warmth and happiness, although that was a large part of it. But there was a small part of her that wanted to bottle up every laugh and goofy smile when Eli's guard was down — to keep her little quirks all to herself. It was those little things—the way Eli's face lit up when she bit into a bar of chocolate, how she puffed her cheeks out when she was upset—that kept Nozomi awake when the rest of the world was fast asleep, heart pounding.
Before Nozomi even had a say in the matter, her feelings for her best friend had transformed into desire.
When had she become so selfish?
Eli deserved better than a best friend who got butterflies in her stomach when she got too close; who occasionally scarcely heard what she said because she was too entranced by the shape of her lips whenever they moved. Nozomi was disgusted that she'd ever think of abusing Eli's friendship like that, that she would ever even consider throwing away their relationship based on trust and mutual understanding for a moment of selfishness. And so, she decided, she'd keep her heart tightly under lock and key.
After all, she'd been okay up until now, hadn't she? She had to be. Years of moving around, never staying in one place for long—when the dam behind her eyes finally broke, her mother always told her the same thing in hushed, urgent tones amidst boxes and boxes of possessions and fleeting memories: "You're going to be okay."
Now was no different. Even if Eli never saw the same radiance Nozomi did when she looked into her eyes; even if Eli never understood that being with her felt like the heat of the sun on her face; even if her feelings were never reciprocated, she'd be happy enough to be by her side.
She would be okay.
"Nozomi, have I ever told you how soft you are? I could lay here for days… Hey, you know what? I think… it's time for another drink."
Nozomi pulled the glass out of her friend's grasp, setting it on the table in front of them and far away from Eli's grabby hands.
"Now, now, Elichi, don't you think you've had enough? That was your fifth drink."
Eli slowly moved from her laying down position on Nozomi's lap and propped herself up on her elbow, giving her what Nozomi could only assume was supposed to be a firm glare. "I'm Russian… you know, I can… hold my vodka."
A loud crash came from the kitchen, followed by Umi's shrill and dismayed screams. "Nico, that glassware isbrand new!"
Five years had passed since they had graduated from Otonokizaka High and Muse had disbanded. In that space of time, everyone had graduated, gone to university, or started to pursue their individual career paths. After four years of rooming together, Nozomi and Eli had decided that it only made sense to get an apartment together. They were so well acquainted to each other's lifestyles anyway that it was hardly a drastic change, and it was certainly the most financially sound choice. In the spirit of keeping their friendship alive, Nozomi had been scheduling frequent get-togethers for Muse at their new home. Their world now was totally different from their days as school idols, but it was times like these that it truly felt like nothing had changed at all.
"It's not my fault the glass couldn't help but shatter in the radiance of the great Nico-nii!"
Sitting on the carpet, oblivious to the chaos behind them, were Rin and Hanayo, who had taken quite excitedly to giving each other makeovers with Nozomi and Eli's wide variety of cosmetics. "Kayo-chin, this shade looks so good on you, nya~!"
"R-really? I always get far too nervous to wear lipstick. I think it makes me stand out too much. A-anyway, it suits you much better, Rin-chan."
"Awww, Kayo-chin! You're too cute! I could just squeeze you to death!"
"Rin, cut it out! I—mrrrprh—can't breathe!"
From her spot on the couch, looking contentedly on at the group's shenanigans, Kotori shot Nozomi a worried look. "Is she going to be alright? Last time she had this much to drink, she was crying for hours."
Nozomi laughed nervously, trying to keep her head upright as Eli tugged at her braid. "I'll make sure she—ouch, Elichi, that hurts —gets to bed before that happens."
"Hehe, your hair is so silky, Nozomi."
Nozomi grimaced. "If you keep pulling it like that, I won't have much left, I'm afraid."
"Get off the table, Honoka!"
Nozomi had to chuckle a little. Even at a party that was supposed to be about relaxing, Umi couldn't catch much of a break.
"Umi-chan, watch this! I still remember the full routine for our first live, see?!"
"You're also going to remember how my wrath feels if you don't get down from there right this instant!"
Maki walked stone-faced out from the kitchen and slumped down against a wall, taking another huge swig from her drink and closing her eyes. Before she could enjoy a moment's peace, however, Nico sat beside her and threw her arm around her, much to Maki's annoyance.
Nozomi put one arm under Eli's head and lifted her up, so at least if she was going to pull at her hair, it wouldn't feel like it was being ripped out from her skull. She returned Kotori's gaze. "They're especially lively tonight, huh?"
Kotori giggled. "Just like a bunch of cats and dogs."
Nozomi had to wonder about Kotori. She had had just as much to drink as everyone else, but her general demeanor hadn't changed much at all. If anything, she just seemed more smiley than usual, and a faint blush colored her cheeks.
"Nozomi…" Eli drawled drunkenly, bringing herself up to sit on Nozomi's lap and wrapping an arm lazily around her neck. "We should get a dog."
"Elichi, you can hardly be trusted to take care of your plants—how can I trust you with a dog?" She grabbed her best friend's cheek and pinched it, much to her dismay.
Kotori put her face in her hands and giggled, staring at the two of them with adoration. "You two are just like an old married couple."
Nozomi froze, feeling her heart rate rapidly speed up despite the alcohol slowing down her system. Nothing had changed at all—not the close, unbreakable bond Muse had formed or the fact that Nozomi's feelings for Eli remained tightly locked up in her heart.
"Elichi would be a terrible husband," Nozomi scoffed, forcing a playful grin but averting her eyes from Eli's big, dopey, curious ones. "She always forgets to take out the trash, and she still runs away from every spider she sees."
"H-hey!" Eli countered, facial features scrunching up in genuine offense as she tugged angrily at the fabric of Nozomi's sweater. "Why do I have to be the husband?"
Nozomi, for all her jokes, still wouldn't meet Eli's gaze directly. "Why, that's simply because you'll never find a housewife as perfect as I am~"
Nozomi closed her eyes and pointed her nose in the air, feeling rather proud of her retort. That is, at least, until she felt a faint trembling from the girl in her lap.
Oh no.
"Nozomi," Eli sniffled, and this time she couldn't avoid looking into those glassy eyes, "do you think I'm a bad roommate?"
"Huh? Wait, Elichi, no—"
But it was too late. Before Nozomi even had time to react, Eli's whimpers had transformed into full-on sobs.
At first, Eli mumbled broken "I'm sorry's" through her tears; but it didn't take long for the alcohol to take hold of any rationality she had left, and she descended into a series of nonsensical babbles and incessant wails.
Rin was the first to take notice. "What's going on? Is she going to be okay, nya?"
Nico detangled herself from Maki long enough to shoot an unimpressed glare in Nozomi's direction. "Don't tell me you made her cry again. Can't you two learn to keep your lovers' quarrels in the bedroom, at least?"
Maki promptly smacked her upside the head, mumbling something about being more considerate of others' feelings, before the two quickly fell into an argument of their own.
Nozomi couldn't bring herself to meet Kotori's eyes, which she suspected were swimming with concern, due to the shame that she had every right to say, "I told you so." So she kept her attention on Eli; holding her close to her chest, rubbing her back, gently whispering apologies and trying to calm her in any way she could.
"I was just joking, alright? I'm so delighted to have you for a roommate. I'll kill as many spiders as you need me to, okay?"
But Nozomi doubted that Eli's tears really had anything to do with their conversation. More than likely, it had been the trigger causing her bottled up emotions to pour forth in a disastrous, ungraceful explosion, not unlike the first time Nozomi had ever seen her cry all those years ago. The only difference, she supposed, was that those instances were controlled: Eli Ayase had a time and place for everything, even her own collapse. But she couldn't exercise that same form of restraint when alcohol burned through her veins, compromising the sense of order she relied on to function. It was in these instances that Nozomi felt especially bad; she knew Eli wouldn't want her friends to worry unduly about her, and if she was honest, Nozomi didn't want to share that part of her with anyone.
"D-do you think she's hungry?" Hanayo offered, enthusiastic to help in any way she could. "I bet she wants rice! I'll go make her some!" She rose to her feet all too fast, and Rin had to catch her before she had an untimely run-in with the floor.
In another second, Honoka appeared in front of them, holding out an outstretched hand to Eli, who was far too incapacitated to even notice. "Why don't we dance? I bet she'd feel better if we danced, just like old times!"
Nozomi smiled at her apologetically. "I'm sure we'd all love to, Honoka, but I'm not sure if now is the best time—"
Eli broke out in another chorus of sobs and wiped a snot-covered nose onto Nozomi's sleeve.
It was then that Nozomi realized the situation was not going to improve if she continued to sit here. She took a deep breath and then slowly rose to her feet, taking her best friend's hands in her own in an attempt to help her stand.
"I'm terribly sorry everyone, but I think I'm going to try and put Eli to bed. You're all welcome to spend the night; I left lots of extra blankets out on the couch. No one leaves this apartment until they've sobered up, got it?"
All seven members of Muse nodded obediently.
Nozomi moved to pick Eli up, carefully placing one arm around her back and the other in the bend of her knees. Thankfully, this was not the first time she had had to do this, and Eli's arms moved around her shoulders seemingly on their own.
"Nozomi," Kotori's voice came from behind her suddenly, in a much more serious tone than Nozomi was used to hearing from the normally-chipper girl. She craned her neck to meet her gaze.
"Yes?"
"Take good care of her." The words were notably strange coming from Kotori's mouth, which remained curled up in its usual gentle smile.
Nozomi only nodded, left to ponder the intent behind her words, as she made her way up the staircase.
She wanted to tease Eli for being a little heavier since the last time she had carried her to bed, but decided that she had better hold her tongue.
By the time they reached Eli's room, the volume of her cries had returned to whimpers and sniffles, which Nozomi was grateful for. She sat her on the edge of the bed and quickly began rummaging through Eli's dresser, looking for her favorite t-shirt and pair of shorts to wear to bed.
Thankfully, Eli didn't make much of a fuss when Nozomi moved to undress her, raising her arms above her head without a word.
"How are you feeling?" Nozomi chanced, lifting her shirt over her head; she didn't dare take even one glance at her best friend's smooth, flawless skin, lest she wanted to despise herself for the rest of the night.
Eli sniffled and sucked in her breath, notably trying to calm herself now. "I'm so, so s-sorry I'm like this, Nozomi. And y-you're always," she paused, sniffling again, "the one that has to put up with it."
Nozomi paused, kneeling down to look Eli directly in her tired, red eyes—and nowhere else—for the first time since she had started having her little breakdown. "Haven't I always said the same thing? You should never have to cry alone. But," Nozomi teased, flicking her lightly between the eyes, "you're only supposed to show your crybaby side to me, Elichi."
That earned Nozomi the smallest of smiles and a weak giggle, causing her stomach to burn and her heart to flutter in spite of herself.
"Thank you," Eli whispered breathlessly, and Nozomi could hear the smile in her voice. They stayed like that for a few moments, and Nozomi couldn't help but search the deep pools of her eyes, all of their secrets laid bare for her to see.
"I'm so lucky to have a best friend like you, Nozomi."
The warmth that had begun to spread through her body immediately turned cold. She moved to quickly return to her feet and just finish putting Eli's pajamas on already, but Eli's hand grasped firmly onto her shoulder and kept her in place.
"Nozomi?" Eli's big blue eyes burned into her own with a childlike curiosity suddenly, and she couldn't look away, no matter how hard she tried.
'What… What is it, Elichi?"
"Can you kiss me?"
"Wh-what?"
Her brain suddenly felt like it was filling up with static. Eli couldn't have possibly said that and meant it, could she? Maybe the alcohol had intoxicated her more than she thought, and now she was hearing things, somehow.
But then Eli tugged lightly at the fabric on Nozomi's plush sweater, pulling her down until their faces were only inches apart.
"Please?" Eli's voice came out as a delicate whisper, still hoarse from crying. "Just once is fine."
Nozomi felt trapped, like a moth to a light. Those soft, twinkling blue eyes— trained on her, and nothing else, melting into her own just like she had dreamt about for all these years; those pale, pink, inviting lips that she spent far too much time trying to force out of her mind. What was she to do? How could she possibly refuse? She moved forward on her own, as if in hypnosis, until she was close enough to feel Eli's breath on her face, that tasted of—of—
Alcohol.
She retracted as if she had been burned. When had she turned into such a fool, so easily manipulated by her emotions? Why had she stopped thinking of Eli's inebriated state for even a second? Not only did she often cry while drunk, her clinginess to Nozomi increased tenfold. Eli hung onto her almost constantly when she had even the slightest bit of alcohol in her system. Why had she been stupid enough to think that asking for a kiss was any different?
Biting her lip to quell the unwanted barrage emotions from rising up in her heart, Nozomi returned to what she had originally set out to do, and moved to pull Eli's shirt over her head.
But Eli apparently had other ideas. Without a moment's notice, she encircled her arms around Nozomi's waste and forced her down. Gone was the gentle meekness she had expressed only moments ago, replaced by an urgent roughness Nozomi had never seen before. Eli's nose knocked against Nozomi's ungracefully as she attempted to make contact with her lips. Nozomi shoved her face away and dodged the kiss, but this did little to deter Eli from tearing the collar of her sweater down and nipping at her neck.
Nozomi yelped. "E-Elichi! Stop!" A cacophony of fear, frustration, and confusion exploded in her eardrums and boiled in her veins. This was not the Eli she had grown to love. This was not her Elichi. All of this was too much; she was supposed to have her emotions under control, she was supposed to be the one quietly cheering Eli on from the sidelines, keeping her distance; but in a situation like this, with her best friend half naked and her dignity completely compromised, she could feel nothing but bitter, helpless shame.
After some struggling, she managed to entangle herself from Eli and force her off. She sat hunched on the floor, pulling her sweater back up and trying to collect whatever dignity she could possibly have left. "Elichi," she half-choked, gritting her teeth as she forced herself to meet her friend's blank stare. In spite of all her efforts, an unfamiliar burning sensation tugged at her eyes and caused her vision to grow blurry. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
She got up and abruptly faced the door the moment she felt tears break from behind the dam and spill forth onto her cheeks. She would not, could not allow Eli to see her cry after all this time, especially not in her current state.
"Sweet dreams, Elichi." She put extra effort into making the words sound as gentle and lighthearted as they always were, but the tremble in her voice made it sound far more bitter than she'd intended.
Whether or not Eli responded, Nozomi didn't stick around to find out. She burst forth from Eli's room, not even sure where she intended to go. Downstairs, her friends were still talking and laughing in the same animated manner as always. Nico had even taken to drunk singing—Nozomi would recognize that earsplitting voice anywhere.
For a moment, she lingered at the top of the stairs. Should she show them her crying face? How would they react to her sudden, nonsensical anguish?
No. She couldn't; she couldn't ever consider burdening her friends like that.
She turned on her heel and dashed for the bathroom, splashing water onto her face in an attempt to calm the oncoming storm. But as she stared at her own pathetic expression in the mirror and slumped against the bathtub, she realized it was no use. For the first time since she couldn't even remember, tears flowed with reckless, careless abandon down her face and onto the floor. Roiling frustration rocked her body as it clashed with piercing anguish, and she slapped a hand over her mouth, effectively silencing any sound save for the occasional choked sob and broken squeak.
No matter how hard she tried, her heart could not stop replaying that feeling, that momentary, blissful feeling—however fleeting—of how light her heart felt when it had been briefly tricked into believing that Eli Ayase loved her.
It felt like she had tasted spring.
But this, just like any other hardship she had faced in her life, was just another valley to be crossed, a thorny path she'd inevitably put behind her and move on from. Someday. At least, that's what she told herself, hanging onto the words of her mother as she allowed her cries to be swallowed by the hearty laughter of her friends downstairs.
"I'll be okay. I'll be okay. I'll be okay."