100 Things I, Balisk Acton, am not allowed to do

1. I am not allowed to start an "I hate Snape" Club.

2. If the thought of an activity makes me laugh, giggle and/or smile for longer than six seconds, it is understood that I am not allowed to do it.

3. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to water balloons (and not just because George thought of it first).

4. I am not allowed to lock any students of my choice in a broom cupboard to see which groups come out scuffled and which ones come out looking like they've just shacked up.

5. I am not allowed to join in any out-of-class activity including the Weasly twins as it always gets me into trouble. (Does that include holidays?) (I assume not, George, it didn't say on the list.) (Fantastic!)

6. I am not allowed to use the Gryffindor and Slytherin first years as Christmas decorations, even if they do match the color scheme.

7. I am not allowed to hang my git of a cousin from the Whomping Willow.

8. I am not allowed to have any pointed objects, nor am I allowed to explain why.

9. Even though Malfoy wasn't that hurt.

10. I am not allowed to sing "I Can't Wait to be King" while walking down the corridor.

11. I am not allowed to sing anything while walking down the corridor.

12. I am not allowed to pole dance anywhere in the castle as it often makes people uncomfortable and/or aroused. (That was NOT part of the list, Mr. Acton!) (You never said I couldn't add anything. Deal with it.)

13. I am no longer allowed to play strip wizard chess with anyone in the common room.

14. Or anywhere for that matter.

15. In fact, I am not allowed to be naked ANYWHERE in the castle.

16. I am not allowed to tell everyone that Draco is gay. His personal life is none of my bloody business.

17. Even if he is an annoying git.

18. I am not allowed to dress in women's clothing. Ever.

19. Even if it does make me look damn sexy.

20. I am not allowed to walk around in nothing but my underwear.

21. I am not allowed to announce that I have herpes in public.

22. Or in private.

23. I am not allowed to have the "Sex Talk" with any of the first years.

24. I am no longer allowed to steal articles of clothing from any Slytherin students.

25. Even if I look sexy in green.

26. I am not allowed to yell at Harry for taking all of my condoms.

27. Nor am I allowed to yell at him for stealing my "Playwizard: All Boys" magazine.

28. And not only because people will think I'm gay.

29. I am not allowed to tell Ron in public that he needs to stop spying on my in the shower and that this is just a phase.

30. I am not allowed to ask Lee if he fantasizes about Neville in the shower.

31. I am not allowed to ask anyone if they fantasize about anyone, anywhere.

32. I am not allowed to pay first years to streak across the grounds.

33. I am not allowed to wear an "I love penis" t-shirt anywhere.

34. I am not allowed to make up "Wood" jokes about Oliver Wood with the Weasly twins.

35. I am not allowed to give anyone a lap dance.

36. Especially if they pay me.

37. Singing "I'm Too Sexy for My Cloak" in any class will not get me a better grade.

38. Flirting with third years is not funny, it is tasteless.

39. Even if they enjoy it. Which they do.

40. I am not allowed to kiss Fred or George in public. (Well, I think it's funny.) (I think it's sexy.) (Fred XD)

41. I am not allowed to play "Guess My Cup Size" with anyone.

42. Even if it is a good pass time.

43. I am not allowed to tell Lee he makes me hot.

44. I am not allowed to tell anyone they make me hot. (Do I make you hot?) (Of course you do, George.) (I'm such a third wheel.) (Don't worry, Fred. You make me hot, too. You're identical, after all.) (I like this list.)

45. I am not allowed to tell Dean Thomas that he's delicious.

46. Even if it's true. Which it is.

47. I am not to ask Snape if he has his testicles in a jar in his pantry.

48. Dusky is not responsible for anything I do.

49. Because Dusky is a cat. Plus he's too freaking adorable.

50. I am not allowed to insist that Fred or George is my bitch.

51. Even if I do have them whipped. (I'm not your bitch. Fred is. You just get us mixed up.)(…Yes master.)(XD God I love you guys…)

52. I am not allowed to offer Snape a breath mint when he speaks to me.

53. I am not allowed to use the quidditch goal posts as stripper poles.

54. Even if I use it to distract the opposing team.

55. Lee is a straight male, so I should probably stop flirting with him.

56. Even though I flirt with everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

57. Just because I'm legally a genius doesn't mean I can skip class.

58. Or make out with anyone during class.

59. Or have sex during class.

60. I should really just sit there and do nothing like everyone else.

61. I am not allowed to send magical copies of Draco's birthmark to all his enemies considering where it is. No one needs to see that.

62. I am not allowed to make my own porno.

63. Even if I myself am not in it.

64. I am not allowed to tell Draco to "Choke on it."

65. Nor am I allowed to say he probably wouldn't "Choke on it" because he "has practiced so much" on Blaise Zabini.

66. I am not allowed to tell anyone to "Suck it" either.

67. Even though they should feel honored to even be asked.

68. My Patronus is not a T-rex, no matter how much I want it to be.

69. I am not allowed to tell everyone that I'm called Balisk because I get into everyone's "Chamber of Secrets".

70. I am not allowed to jump someone if they call me "Avery".

71. I am not allowed to jump Malfoy because he called me "Avery" again.

72. That bastard.

73. I am not allowed to dye Dumbledore's beard and/or hair.

74. Even if he asks nicely.

75. I am not allowed to dye my own hair.

76. I am not allowed into any adult bars.

77. I am not allowed to grow a beard for the sole purpose of getting into said bars.

78. I am not allowed to perform at these bars, either.

79. I am not allowed anywhere near the girl's restroom.

80. …Or the boy's…

81. I am not allowed to skip down the hallways singing "It's Raining Men".

82. I am not allowed to suddenly smile out of nowhere when I'm sitting in class. It makes people feel the need to run from the room screaming.

83. I am not allowed to ask Fred or George, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking," in public. It scares people.

84. I am not allowed to profess my undying love to anyone in the hallway. That also scares people.

85. I am not allowed to spike Malfoy's drink at dinner with fire whiskey.

86. I am not allowed to be in possession of fire whiskey.

87. I am not allowed to answer any "Why would you..?" question with "Why not?"

88. Telling Malfoy that his future cellmate in Azkaban will appreciate how pretty he is isn't funny, as it tends to make him have nightmares.

89. I am not allowed to tell anyone other than the Weasly twins about the inner workings of my mind since when I told them to Malfoy's father, he sat in a corner and cried for several hours.

90. Claiming that I am a Buddha incarnate does not make the Buddhists at Hogwarts want to worship me.

91. Telling every male student in Hogwarts that I love cock tends to send the wrong message; therefore I should stop doing it.

92. In fact, I am henceforth not allowed to tell anyone that I love any part of male anatomy.

93. I would be banned to say that of female anatomy, but I don't, so it isn't a problem.

94. I am not allowed to show up to breakfast, lunch, or dinner without clothes, even if I'm far more comfortable in my birthday suit.

95. I am not allowed to convince first years that slamming their heads repeatedly against the nearest hard surface will help them think during end-of-term exams.

96. Asking anyone if they want to see my "Magic Wand" is classified as sexual harassment, even if they laugh.

97. It is neither wise nor polite to spit in Snape's pumpkin juice at dinner.

98. I am not allowed to sacrifice third years to the giant squid. Even if they annoy me.

99. I am not allowed to perform any of these acts again, if I do not wish to be expelled (even though I won't be).

100. I am not allowed to use this list as a paper airplane, line a bird cage with it, or use in any way other than its intended purpose.

"This is a bunch of bull sh—"

"Mr. Acton, language!" Snape hissed from across the desk, as Balisk finished the list.

As Balisk spoke the last rule, it appeared to be written by an invisible source on the long piece of parchment.

Fred and George sat beside him, amused after reliving all the hell they'd raised in the past few years they'd been at school.

"Fine, fine. Just so you know, I don't think anything is considered sexual harassment if the 'victim', so to speak, doesn't press charges."

Snape glared across the desk and rolled up the parchment.

"If you do anything out of the line of code in this castle again, I will make sure you write out each new rule—and the old ones—yourself. Now get out of my sight."

"Gladly," Balisk breathed. He smirked as he got up and pulled something out of his pocket and sat it on the desk before retreating from the room with Fred and George at his heels.

Snape looked down at the object and read the piece of paper connected to the bottle.

You'd be my favorite teacher if you washed up every now and again.

~Balisk.

Snape crumpled up the note before promptly throwing it away with the bottle of soap.

That boy could be so infuriating sometimes…