Note: This was inspired by the totally awesome Uber Flare parody of the original series of games. But, I shall move into the new territory of...hack//G.U.! This will be done differently than the oh-so inspiring Uber Flare version. This one, like many other great parodies, is chaptered-story format. If you have a parody, thumbs up to you. If my character is like yours, I apologize. Rated T just to be safe, since later chapters that aren't introductions may be less K+ rated and more T rated.

Disclaimer: I don't really own G.U. I only own (sob)...KAT! Who totally sucks, by the way.

It was nighttime in Lumina Cloth, since, of course, there wasn't any other time. It was even prettier than usual. So, all these chumps started hanging out there, fighting in the tournament and screaming for fighters until they got migraines.

It was when Haseo was getting ready to sign up that she appeared. She was a beautiful girl. Her skin was as unblemished as a computer screen, but not nearly as flat. She had an exotic face with high cheekbones. Her eyes were the most beautiful purple ever. It was called Mary-Sue Purple because only Mary-Sues could have eyes like that. Even though this was an online game.

Her outfit was also quite hot. It was a black leather minidress made from a dead Grunty. Nobody acknowledged her animal abuse. They only noticed that it was strapless, low-cut, tight, and barely covered her underwear. On her feet were tall black high-heeled boots that zipped up the sides. They were elegant, hot, and totally inappropriate for fighting. Nobody acknowledged that either.

Her hair was also beautiful. It was long and silky. It reached her waist, and it was free of tangles. Plus it was black with red streaks.

Instead of getting lame markings like a good little, err, BIG girl (cough), she hacked into the system, so she had black eyeliner instead. She looked cool. Her name was Kat, because she was slick like a cat. Ha-ha-ha-ha-this-is-so-not-funny.

Lumina Cloth grew silent as Kat strode through the town. Players cleared their paths, even though the cheater (cough) wasn't on a motor-bike. She marched up to the counter and draped herself over the counter, her assets nearly flying out of her dress. She shimmied her shoulders and smiled at the worker.

"I need to sign up to fight," she drawled in a totally hot voice. Her voice was smooth, but it sounded tough, because Kat was perfect and yada-yada-yada. "I fight solo. My team name is Sexy."

"Um, I'm sorry, uh, sexy..."

"It's Kat," Kat hissed like a cat. Ha-ha-ha-ha-this-is-even-worse-the-second-time.

"Kat, submissions are closed."

"Oh, okay, don't worry about it," Kat said cheerfully, marching off to go use her hotness to do...things (strange noise).

-:-

After doing some THINGS (strange noise) and putting a gag over Rayne's mouth (muffled noise), Kat was marching around Mac Anu.

"Yeah, Silabus saw her too!" Haseo was saying. Kat narrowed her catlike eyes.

"Haseo," she murmured.

"Haseo the Adept Rogue!" she called. Haseo turned, and his eyes melted.

"Haseo, you have something on your face," Gaspard said, trying to be helpful. Kat pushed him away, and he muttered something about lifting her fingerprints and selling them on MaryBay. (It's like eBay, but with Mary-Sue merchandise! How dreadful!)

"Haseo the PKK! I have been hired to PKKK you! Any last words, honey bun?"

"Will you marry me?" Haseo asked, Shino immediately wiped out of his mind. Kat was not taken by surprise because she was very world-weary and smart.

"That is beside the point," she barked, pointing at him. Haseo grinned. Ooh, if he looked at her from this angle, he could almost see her—

"I am going to PKKK you!" Kat pulled her weapon out of her inventory. She was a Macabre Dancer. Instead of fighting stupidly like the other Macabre Dancers, Kat had a special weapon. She fought with a whip. She was like a lion-taming mambo dancer.

Kat started a dance that involved too much gyrating for anyone's good. She glanced over at Haseo, and he was staring at her like he hadn't eaten in a week and Kat was a sandwich.

"Hee-yah!" Kat yelled. She whipped Haseo, and he fell backwards. "Any last wishes, Haseo?" Kat menacingly stared down at Haseo, she leaned over, jabbing her virtually manicured nails into his gut. Ooh, if Haseo looked up, he could see her—

"Date me!" Haseo yelled in a fit off OOC-itude. Then he started rolling on the ground. While the others ran away in fear, Kat stayed like the big brave girl she was (cough). Until she got bored with him rolling around and left for an area. It was a special area called Area For Sues. It was an area for Sues. Only Mary-Sues could go there. And of course it was perfect.

In Area For Sues, Kat encountered Endrance, who had cheated and gone into that area.

"Hey, Endrance," she said. She had no respect because she was a bad-girl rocker chick (cough). "I was sent to assassinate you!"

"No that was Haseo, silly goose!" Endrance announced. Then he glomped Kat, losing his dignity, except not really, since he was very happy when glomping Kat. And then his ACTUAL cat got mad, so he threw his cat at Mecha Grunty, who happened to be singing in the distance. Kat laughed, and Endrance watched as she jiggled and giggled. If she kept this up, her dress would collapse, and he'd get to see her—

"I like cheese!" Endrance yelled after an awkward silence. "Do you like cheese?"

"I think that cheese is very fattening, and I don't eat it, so I'm fit," Kat preached. Endrance felt something in his heart. He didn't feel like he liked cheese anymore. In fact, he only liked Kat!

Kat decided to take a walk through the area. Every now and then, she'd turn around, and Endrance would be following her. So, she threatened to use her super-uber spell. It was called Love Hurts. She would blow a kiss, and then Endrance would melt. Only his whole body would melt, because he had overdosed on Kat. So then Kat would use her powers of love and put him back together. And then he would resume stalking her.

"Hey, hey, HEY!" this guy yelled. He had hair (OMG!!!). It was blue. And it was in a ponytail.

"It's Kuhn!" Kat happily yelled. He did not acknowledge the fact that he'd never met Kat and that she was a creepy stalker of all hot people.

"Hi!" he squealed. He sounded like a pig.

"You sound like a pig," some hideous pink-haired girl said. "Hey, I'm Pi, and this idiot here is Kuhn."

"He is not an idiot," Kat preached. "You should know that idiot is not a nice term." Pi wasn't very enlightened. In fact, she was angry.

"How dare you!" she yelled. Kat blew a kiss, and Pi exploded. A boatload of numbers came out in this exact order: 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510...

And then Kat recited the rest of pi. Since she was uber super smart, she did it in twenty seconds, and everyone was amazed at her smartitude. She was smart, because her IQ was 123456789876543212345678987654321. And then Pi left because she felt neglected.

And then Kat decided to leave, because everyone was staring at her liked they'd been walking through the desert of flat-chestedness and she was a skinnily curvy oasis (cough).

Some random guy walked by, and Kat hugged him. "Matsu, you're so strong," she said. Matsu didn't care about her stalkerness either.

"I work out every day. First, I lift swords. Then I throw swords. Then I walk on swords. Then I use swords. Then I eat swords. Then I drink swords. Then I vault with swords. Then I jump over swords. Then..."

"I'll be your sword any day..." Kat flirtatiously crooned, shimmying her shoulders and scaring the kids.

"But I already have a sword. It's called the Cheese Sword."

"Cheese is fattening, honey..." Kat said, casually throwing the cheese sword away. It hit Endrance in the head.

"Free cheese!" he shouted. Then he dropped it. "No. I need to be skinnier if I want to win the tournament. Then he threw it in the canal.

"Free cheese!" some random player shouted. Kat turned and glared. "I mean, uh, I hate cheese!"

Note: A little boring, but this is the introduction, and introductions are generally boring. Unless you're a fantastic writer.

Sneak Peak of Next Chapter: Kat is being loved by all the guys, especially all of them. But...they are being tempted with free cheese by a certain authoress and her cunning team of fellow nerds. Can they love Kat with free cheese right next to them?