Everything That Is Not PC
The first Family Guy fan fic by Heavens to Bikini Kill
----
Opens with GW Bush on the television screen, blabbering on about weapons of mass destruction. "I promise you, the American people, that Saddam DOES have these nu..." he pauses to check his notes, "nu...nu-cu-lar weapons."
Stewie, who is sitting on Lois's lap on the couch, smacks her across the chin. "God damn it, woman, haven't I told you that I can't stand that show with the monkey man who can't pronounce 'nuclear' correctly?"
Lois smiles naively at Stewie. "No, honey, that's the president."
Stewie's eyes widen in pure awe. "Are you serious? No, are you really serious? That MONKEY is the president?" He pulls a rocket launcher out of his overalls. "Then I guess it's time for world domination... and I thought it could wait for a few years..."
--
It seems today, that all you see
Is violence in movies, and sex on TV
But where are those good old fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a... family... guy!
--
Lois is washing the dishes, whilst Stewie is in his high chair, apparently fiddling with a laser pointer. She turns to put some plates away when she spots the pointer.
She takes it out of Stewie's hands. "Oh, no no, honey. This is NOT a toy."
Stewie slams his hands on his high chair's table. "You're damn right that's not a toy! That's your demise that you're holding in your hands!"
Lois chuckles, thinking nothing of Stewie's insane ramblings, and kisses him on the cheek. Leaving Stewie to rant, she drops in upon the countertop, where the button is pressed in and a plate that was lying upon the counter falls to the floor, already shattered to pieces.
She turns to note the damage. "Oh no! I should have known better than to leave that plate on the edge." She grabs a broom and starts to sweep up the mess.
At that moment, Meg walks in with a black girl beside her, wearing what appears to be traditional African clothing. "Hi Mom!"
Lois drops her broom and her mouth flies open. "Oh my god! The Christian Children's Fund's gotten ahold of you!" She jumps across the kitchen, grabs Stewie, and shouts, "Brian! Drop that martini and call Peter! We've got to move out of the country before they get any more money!"
Meg is obviously very embarassed. "Mom!" She turns to the African girl. "I am so sorry..."
The girl shakes it off, though she's obviously offended. "No, no. It's all right. I'm sure others have gotten the same... mix-up." She has a distinctly African accent, though nobody in Quahog would actually know where she's from.
Lois blushes and puts Stewie back down. "Oh. Erm... Meg. Who is your friend?"
Meg nudges the girl towards her mother. "This is Tola Omodele. Her family just moved here from Nigeria."
"Ohhh," Lois pretends to understand. "Your father isn't a general, is he?"
-Flashback-
Lois walks in on Peter using the computer. "What are you doing, honey?"
Peter only holds us his credit card as he's typing away. "I got this e-mail from a Nigerian general who says he's going to make a great investment as long as I give him at least ten thousand dollars!"
Lois smacks her forehead in a distinct Homer Simpson fashion. "D'oh!"
-End Flashback-
Tola glares. "No."
----[you could insert a commercial here, if you worked for FOX]----
Peter comes home later that evening, and announces to the entire household, "Good evening, lower cretins! It is I, the breadwinner, who has come home, to give you the opportunity to eat your dinner and continue to listen to this obvious Roald Dahl reference!" There is no answer, and no one is in the living room. "Hello?" He walks to the kitchen to find that the entire family, including Tola, is already at the dinner table, nearly halfway through their meal. He sits, and notices that Tola is right next to him, and he jumps three feet into the air. "Ahh! Who is this?"
Lois looks up from her meatloaf. "Peter, this is Meg's new friend, Tola. Tola, this is Meg's father, Peter."
Peter examines her carefully. "I hope you're not THAT hungry. I don't think Lois made enough food."
"Dad!" Meg wails.
"Peter!" Lois scolds.
Tola only glares as Peter tries to defend himself. "What? Excuse me for knowing a few things about the world..."
-Flashback-
Peter is in his underwear, watching TV in his bedroom. He's flipping through the channels, and pauses for a few seconds on a news bulletin (Starving Children in Africa!). "Boring."
-End Flashback-
"Anyway," Peter continues, "you're not gonna get any saliva on the dishes, are you? Because I don't want anyone in my house getting infected, you know what I mean..."
"Dad!" Meg tries again.
Even Chris can tell that Tola's patience is wearing thin. "Dad, maybe you should just try the meatloaf. It's not as stale this time."
Peter holds up a hand to silence him, whilst Stewie giggles madly. "No, no, I just want to make sure that Tola's psyche is stable. You know, after having to run from five different dictators in the past three months." He is obviously very, very oblivious.
"Peter! That's terrible!" Brian exclaims.
Tola holds up a hand. "Thank you, strange talking dog." She turns to Peter.
"You have successfully insulted me, my family, and my entire culture within two minutes of my knowing you." She pulls a deadly machete out of nowhere. "You die now."
Peter snaps out of his reverie. "Ah!" He points to Tola, who is still sitting next to him at the table. "I knew you would do that!"
Tola is confused. "Do what?"
"Take a machete out on me!"
"Why would she do that, Peter?" Brian asks. "Because she's from Africa?"
Peter is lost for words. "Uh..." He looks at Tola and laughs nervously. "Eh heh heh heh..."
Tola takes out a machete and keeps the blade to his neck. "I think I should leave this here for the rest of dinner." She resumes eating.
----[Another commercial break. But this time if you work at Williams St.]----
A possible two or three days later, Meg walks into the kitchen one afternoon with Tola behind her, wearing Meg's outift. "Hey Mom! I'm trying to help Tola assimilate into Western society!"
Tola looks at clothes she is wearing, obviously not happy to wear them. "Meg, I appreciate your help, but Lagos is not that different from any major American city -- "
Stewie interrupts with maniacal laughter. "My God! You look like a bloody idiot!" Meg turns and glares, and Stewie shrugs. "What? Your mustache makes you look sillier." Meg gasps and covers her upper lip.
Tola turns to Lois. "So your dog Brian can talk... and your baby Stewie can too? What exactly do they put in that fast food you Americans like so much?"
"Oh, cow brains," Meg answers.
"Pig stomach," Chris adds as he walks into the kitchen.
"Unidentified nuclear waste from Operation: Desert Storm," Brian says.
Everyone turns to him and says, "Really?" in unison.
"Of course not!" Brian replies. "It's a refreshing vintage blend of napalm and Agent Orange from 1967, surplus amounts that were not used in the Vietnam War!" He adopts a cheesy smile and thumbs-up, and the bottom of the screen reads, "MacChemicals: i'm likin' that."
Tola looks as though she's going to be sick, and quickly changes the subject. "Meg, my parents would really like to meet yours."
Meg looks over at Lois, who is gently pulling a knife out of Stewie's hands, and her mind flies to Peter, who is probably sitting in a lunchroom somewhere, going "Oh, oh!" She smiles nervously. "Are you sure?"
"I'm serious." Tola most definitely looks serious. "They really, really, REALLY want to meet Mr. and Mrs. Griffin."
"Can I ask why?"
"Nigerian parents have this uncanny habit of not trusting white children until they meet their parents."
-Flashback-
A small British boy walks up to a grandmother and her granddaughter cooking outside of their home in rural Nigeria. "I say, you black people, I demand that you let me play in your front yard and destroy your crops completely!"
The grandmother glares. "No."
-End Flashback-
"I see." Meg thinks for a moment. "Maybe we can wait for another 20 years and I can make AIs for them?"
Tola glares and takes off the Meg-beanie. "No."
----[stupid commercial break, provided by the people at FOX]----
The doorbell at the Omodele household rings, and Tola runs down the stairs, dressed simply in a while t-shirt and a black skirt, complete with a nice pair of stiletto heels. She opens the door to see the entire Griffin family with the exception of Meg and Brian dressed in stereotypical Kwanzaa Kente cloth clothing. Note that they look impeccably stupid.
Tola's face falls, but she forces a smile. "Good evening, Griffins. You look... nice."
"Yeah right," Brian snaps. "They look stupid, and you know it. Go on. Tell them they offend you so they can go change."
Meg looks up from her hands for two seconds to say, "Yeah, please do."
"Sorry, I cannot. My mother has the dinner ready. If you leave now, the jollof rice, shrimp, and plantain won't taste as good."
Peter takes a huge whiff of the air. "Hmmm! That smells really good!" He begins to drool.
Lois sighs and holds Stewie right above Peter's head. Stewie grasps the opportunity to smack Peter over the back of his head. "Stop it! You're behaving like a dog! Or worse, Homer Simpson."
Everyone shudders on cue.
Tola's parents walk in. Her father asks Tola, "Are these the Griffins?"
"Yes. The... Griffins." She blushes at her parents' cold once-over of the Griffins' clothing.
Lois nudges Peter, and on cue, Peter says with an awfully forced accent, "Oh da bo, Mah mah Toh lah..." [A/N: Bad Yoruba translator says: "Goodbye, mother of Tola."]
Tola's mother rolls her eyes and says scathingly, "I can speak English a lot better than you can speak Yoruba."
Peter is upset that his attempts to please Lois were thwarted. "Oh de ye ba jeh nee!" He obviously does not know what he said. [A/N: Bad Yoruba translator now says: something along the lines of "God damn idiot" or "Fucking fool."]
Both mother and father are offended, and Tola tries to save Peter. "He's learning! That's good, right?"
Apparently that is not enough to foil the terrible first impression.
Cut to dinner, where Tola's mother has laid out a traditional party meal: jollof rice, fried plantain, shrimp and tillapia with onions and green peppers, gera, and red pepper sauce. [A/N: Stop me, I'm drooling now... mmmm...] Both families have been able to go through dinner without too much trouble.
Peter is helping himself to quite a bit. "Wow! This stuff is amazing!"
Tola's mother smiles modestly. "Thank you. Tola helped me quite a bit."
Peter continues, going unchecked. "Who knew you Africans could cook so well?"
Brian, Meg, and Lois all drop their forks, knowing that Peter will talk himself into something stupid.
Tola's father raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"
"I mean, seeing as you're all starving all the time and always asking for money from hardworking Americans..." Once again, he is completely oblivious.
The father's voice begins to rise, and the mother shakes violently. "What?"
"And you're all dying of whatever outdated disease..."
Everyone has stopped eating at this point, and all are staring at Peter. Stewie takes off his Kente hat. "Oh, you're a dead man."
Chris giggles incessantly. "Dad's a bigot!"
----[FOX loves commercial breaks. Bloody bastards.]----
Peter is on the couch many evenings later. Lois refuses to sit near him. "Look, Lois, I don't care what you say, that dinner went great."
Lois rolls her eyes. "Tola's mother was screaming at the top of her lungs, and her father was promising death if you came by again!"
"Oh come on, they were just acting..."
Brian is separating the two on the couch, and he rolls his eyes. "Peter, I don't think you get it. You're ignorant, and you shouldn't talk to people when you're ignorant about them."
Meg walks in, spots Peter, and huffs loudly. Lois looks up. "Hi, honey. How's..." she stares deliberately at Peter, "Tola?"
"She's leaving the country."
"Way to go, Peter," Brian says, "you've chased a family right back to Nigeria."
"No. Her dad had to go back on account of something to do with his business. You're lucky, dad, I think they really would have killed you."
Lois sighs, obviously embarrassed once again due to Peter's stupidity. "I hope you've learned something today, Peter."
Peter thinks for a moment. "That Heavens to Bikini Kill can't write Family Guy fan fics to save her life?"
Brian glares. "No."
"Oh." A long pause, and Peter picks up the remote. "No."
[end.]
[A/N: Please don't get offended, I'm Nigerian myself, and I thought this Naija-humor was great. And if this just sucks anyway, I'm SORRY! The characters are all probably OOC, this is my first Family Guy script, I'm really sorry if it's just bad. Wow, I really extended that African-stereotype-joke throughout this... sorry! And PLEASE don't get angry at the Bush joke. This wasn't that great, I know.]
The first Family Guy fan fic by Heavens to Bikini Kill
----
Opens with GW Bush on the television screen, blabbering on about weapons of mass destruction. "I promise you, the American people, that Saddam DOES have these nu..." he pauses to check his notes, "nu...nu-cu-lar weapons."
Stewie, who is sitting on Lois's lap on the couch, smacks her across the chin. "God damn it, woman, haven't I told you that I can't stand that show with the monkey man who can't pronounce 'nuclear' correctly?"
Lois smiles naively at Stewie. "No, honey, that's the president."
Stewie's eyes widen in pure awe. "Are you serious? No, are you really serious? That MONKEY is the president?" He pulls a rocket launcher out of his overalls. "Then I guess it's time for world domination... and I thought it could wait for a few years..."
--
It seems today, that all you see
Is violence in movies, and sex on TV
But where are those good old fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a... family... guy!
--
Lois is washing the dishes, whilst Stewie is in his high chair, apparently fiddling with a laser pointer. She turns to put some plates away when she spots the pointer.
She takes it out of Stewie's hands. "Oh, no no, honey. This is NOT a toy."
Stewie slams his hands on his high chair's table. "You're damn right that's not a toy! That's your demise that you're holding in your hands!"
Lois chuckles, thinking nothing of Stewie's insane ramblings, and kisses him on the cheek. Leaving Stewie to rant, she drops in upon the countertop, where the button is pressed in and a plate that was lying upon the counter falls to the floor, already shattered to pieces.
She turns to note the damage. "Oh no! I should have known better than to leave that plate on the edge." She grabs a broom and starts to sweep up the mess.
At that moment, Meg walks in with a black girl beside her, wearing what appears to be traditional African clothing. "Hi Mom!"
Lois drops her broom and her mouth flies open. "Oh my god! The Christian Children's Fund's gotten ahold of you!" She jumps across the kitchen, grabs Stewie, and shouts, "Brian! Drop that martini and call Peter! We've got to move out of the country before they get any more money!"
Meg is obviously very embarassed. "Mom!" She turns to the African girl. "I am so sorry..."
The girl shakes it off, though she's obviously offended. "No, no. It's all right. I'm sure others have gotten the same... mix-up." She has a distinctly African accent, though nobody in Quahog would actually know where she's from.
Lois blushes and puts Stewie back down. "Oh. Erm... Meg. Who is your friend?"
Meg nudges the girl towards her mother. "This is Tola Omodele. Her family just moved here from Nigeria."
"Ohhh," Lois pretends to understand. "Your father isn't a general, is he?"
-Flashback-
Lois walks in on Peter using the computer. "What are you doing, honey?"
Peter only holds us his credit card as he's typing away. "I got this e-mail from a Nigerian general who says he's going to make a great investment as long as I give him at least ten thousand dollars!"
Lois smacks her forehead in a distinct Homer Simpson fashion. "D'oh!"
-End Flashback-
Tola glares. "No."
----[you could insert a commercial here, if you worked for FOX]----
Peter comes home later that evening, and announces to the entire household, "Good evening, lower cretins! It is I, the breadwinner, who has come home, to give you the opportunity to eat your dinner and continue to listen to this obvious Roald Dahl reference!" There is no answer, and no one is in the living room. "Hello?" He walks to the kitchen to find that the entire family, including Tola, is already at the dinner table, nearly halfway through their meal. He sits, and notices that Tola is right next to him, and he jumps three feet into the air. "Ahh! Who is this?"
Lois looks up from her meatloaf. "Peter, this is Meg's new friend, Tola. Tola, this is Meg's father, Peter."
Peter examines her carefully. "I hope you're not THAT hungry. I don't think Lois made enough food."
"Dad!" Meg wails.
"Peter!" Lois scolds.
Tola only glares as Peter tries to defend himself. "What? Excuse me for knowing a few things about the world..."
-Flashback-
Peter is in his underwear, watching TV in his bedroom. He's flipping through the channels, and pauses for a few seconds on a news bulletin (Starving Children in Africa!). "Boring."
-End Flashback-
"Anyway," Peter continues, "you're not gonna get any saliva on the dishes, are you? Because I don't want anyone in my house getting infected, you know what I mean..."
"Dad!" Meg tries again.
Even Chris can tell that Tola's patience is wearing thin. "Dad, maybe you should just try the meatloaf. It's not as stale this time."
Peter holds up a hand to silence him, whilst Stewie giggles madly. "No, no, I just want to make sure that Tola's psyche is stable. You know, after having to run from five different dictators in the past three months." He is obviously very, very oblivious.
"Peter! That's terrible!" Brian exclaims.
Tola holds up a hand. "Thank you, strange talking dog." She turns to Peter.
"You have successfully insulted me, my family, and my entire culture within two minutes of my knowing you." She pulls a deadly machete out of nowhere. "You die now."
Peter snaps out of his reverie. "Ah!" He points to Tola, who is still sitting next to him at the table. "I knew you would do that!"
Tola is confused. "Do what?"
"Take a machete out on me!"
"Why would she do that, Peter?" Brian asks. "Because she's from Africa?"
Peter is lost for words. "Uh..." He looks at Tola and laughs nervously. "Eh heh heh heh..."
Tola takes out a machete and keeps the blade to his neck. "I think I should leave this here for the rest of dinner." She resumes eating.
----[Another commercial break. But this time if you work at Williams St.]----
A possible two or three days later, Meg walks into the kitchen one afternoon with Tola behind her, wearing Meg's outift. "Hey Mom! I'm trying to help Tola assimilate into Western society!"
Tola looks at clothes she is wearing, obviously not happy to wear them. "Meg, I appreciate your help, but Lagos is not that different from any major American city -- "
Stewie interrupts with maniacal laughter. "My God! You look like a bloody idiot!" Meg turns and glares, and Stewie shrugs. "What? Your mustache makes you look sillier." Meg gasps and covers her upper lip.
Tola turns to Lois. "So your dog Brian can talk... and your baby Stewie can too? What exactly do they put in that fast food you Americans like so much?"
"Oh, cow brains," Meg answers.
"Pig stomach," Chris adds as he walks into the kitchen.
"Unidentified nuclear waste from Operation: Desert Storm," Brian says.
Everyone turns to him and says, "Really?" in unison.
"Of course not!" Brian replies. "It's a refreshing vintage blend of napalm and Agent Orange from 1967, surplus amounts that were not used in the Vietnam War!" He adopts a cheesy smile and thumbs-up, and the bottom of the screen reads, "MacChemicals: i'm likin' that."
Tola looks as though she's going to be sick, and quickly changes the subject. "Meg, my parents would really like to meet yours."
Meg looks over at Lois, who is gently pulling a knife out of Stewie's hands, and her mind flies to Peter, who is probably sitting in a lunchroom somewhere, going "Oh, oh!" She smiles nervously. "Are you sure?"
"I'm serious." Tola most definitely looks serious. "They really, really, REALLY want to meet Mr. and Mrs. Griffin."
"Can I ask why?"
"Nigerian parents have this uncanny habit of not trusting white children until they meet their parents."
-Flashback-
A small British boy walks up to a grandmother and her granddaughter cooking outside of their home in rural Nigeria. "I say, you black people, I demand that you let me play in your front yard and destroy your crops completely!"
The grandmother glares. "No."
-End Flashback-
"I see." Meg thinks for a moment. "Maybe we can wait for another 20 years and I can make AIs for them?"
Tola glares and takes off the Meg-beanie. "No."
----[stupid commercial break, provided by the people at FOX]----
The doorbell at the Omodele household rings, and Tola runs down the stairs, dressed simply in a while t-shirt and a black skirt, complete with a nice pair of stiletto heels. She opens the door to see the entire Griffin family with the exception of Meg and Brian dressed in stereotypical Kwanzaa Kente cloth clothing. Note that they look impeccably stupid.
Tola's face falls, but she forces a smile. "Good evening, Griffins. You look... nice."
"Yeah right," Brian snaps. "They look stupid, and you know it. Go on. Tell them they offend you so they can go change."
Meg looks up from her hands for two seconds to say, "Yeah, please do."
"Sorry, I cannot. My mother has the dinner ready. If you leave now, the jollof rice, shrimp, and plantain won't taste as good."
Peter takes a huge whiff of the air. "Hmmm! That smells really good!" He begins to drool.
Lois sighs and holds Stewie right above Peter's head. Stewie grasps the opportunity to smack Peter over the back of his head. "Stop it! You're behaving like a dog! Or worse, Homer Simpson."
Everyone shudders on cue.
Tola's parents walk in. Her father asks Tola, "Are these the Griffins?"
"Yes. The... Griffins." She blushes at her parents' cold once-over of the Griffins' clothing.
Lois nudges Peter, and on cue, Peter says with an awfully forced accent, "Oh da bo, Mah mah Toh lah..." [A/N: Bad Yoruba translator says: "Goodbye, mother of Tola."]
Tola's mother rolls her eyes and says scathingly, "I can speak English a lot better than you can speak Yoruba."
Peter is upset that his attempts to please Lois were thwarted. "Oh de ye ba jeh nee!" He obviously does not know what he said. [A/N: Bad Yoruba translator now says: something along the lines of "God damn idiot" or "Fucking fool."]
Both mother and father are offended, and Tola tries to save Peter. "He's learning! That's good, right?"
Apparently that is not enough to foil the terrible first impression.
Cut to dinner, where Tola's mother has laid out a traditional party meal: jollof rice, fried plantain, shrimp and tillapia with onions and green peppers, gera, and red pepper sauce. [A/N: Stop me, I'm drooling now... mmmm...] Both families have been able to go through dinner without too much trouble.
Peter is helping himself to quite a bit. "Wow! This stuff is amazing!"
Tola's mother smiles modestly. "Thank you. Tola helped me quite a bit."
Peter continues, going unchecked. "Who knew you Africans could cook so well?"
Brian, Meg, and Lois all drop their forks, knowing that Peter will talk himself into something stupid.
Tola's father raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"
"I mean, seeing as you're all starving all the time and always asking for money from hardworking Americans..." Once again, he is completely oblivious.
The father's voice begins to rise, and the mother shakes violently. "What?"
"And you're all dying of whatever outdated disease..."
Everyone has stopped eating at this point, and all are staring at Peter. Stewie takes off his Kente hat. "Oh, you're a dead man."
Chris giggles incessantly. "Dad's a bigot!"
----[FOX loves commercial breaks. Bloody bastards.]----
Peter is on the couch many evenings later. Lois refuses to sit near him. "Look, Lois, I don't care what you say, that dinner went great."
Lois rolls her eyes. "Tola's mother was screaming at the top of her lungs, and her father was promising death if you came by again!"
"Oh come on, they were just acting..."
Brian is separating the two on the couch, and he rolls his eyes. "Peter, I don't think you get it. You're ignorant, and you shouldn't talk to people when you're ignorant about them."
Meg walks in, spots Peter, and huffs loudly. Lois looks up. "Hi, honey. How's..." she stares deliberately at Peter, "Tola?"
"She's leaving the country."
"Way to go, Peter," Brian says, "you've chased a family right back to Nigeria."
"No. Her dad had to go back on account of something to do with his business. You're lucky, dad, I think they really would have killed you."
Lois sighs, obviously embarrassed once again due to Peter's stupidity. "I hope you've learned something today, Peter."
Peter thinks for a moment. "That Heavens to Bikini Kill can't write Family Guy fan fics to save her life?"
Brian glares. "No."
"Oh." A long pause, and Peter picks up the remote. "No."
[end.]
[A/N: Please don't get offended, I'm Nigerian myself, and I thought this Naija-humor was great. And if this just sucks anyway, I'm SORRY! The characters are all probably OOC, this is my first Family Guy script, I'm really sorry if it's just bad. Wow, I really extended that African-stereotype-joke throughout this... sorry! And PLEASE don't get angry at the Bush joke. This wasn't that great, I know.]