The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Invader Zim characters is out having snacks somewhere. This is just an idea of what a day in the life of the Tallest might be like. MADNESS! THIS IS JUST POINTLESS MADNESS PEOPLE!
Average Day of Doom For The Tallest
8:00 AM-8:30 AM (Irken Time of course)
The Tallest Personal Chambers
It is a known fact that most Irkens do not need prolonged amounts of sleep. Only a few hours in a recharging chamber every one or two days depending on the stamina of the Irken.
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz," Red snored as he lay in his personal recharging chamber. Purple slept next to him in his own recharging chamber with a bit of drool coming out of his face.
Obviously the Tallest do not consider themselves normal Irkens.
A brightly dressed short Irken walked in with some kind of musical instrument that looked like a cross between a violin and a trumpet walked in. "Wake up My Tallest! Wake Up My Tallest!" The Irken sang and danced happily. "It's such an important day! The Empire is calling you!"
"It can't be morning already…" Red moaned.
"Oh can't we just sleep in five more minutes?" Purple yawned. "I was having the nicest dream about donuts."
"Wake up, My Tallest! Wake up, My Tallest!" The Irken kept singing and dancing.
"What's the point of being the freaking Tallest if we can't get a few extra minutes of downtime?" Purple moaned.
"You have a point," Red yawned. "Okay just three more minutes then we get up."
At that Red casually took a laser blaster from his nightstand and fired at the Irken. The charred Irken coughed and fell to the ground unconscious.
8:30 AM-8:45 AM
"Wake up, My Tallest…" The Irken Alarm clock got to his feet and started to sing and play his instrument again. "Wake up, My Tallest…"
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAPPPP!
Red had taken out his blaster again and shot him. "UHGGGGHHH…" The Irken fell to the ground even more charred this time.
8:45 AM-9:00 AM
"Wake…up…My Tallest…" The poor charred Irken tried to dance around again. "Wake…Up…"
ZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPP!
"Ugh! What is that smell?" Purple moaned as he got up. He looked to the floor. "Oh for crying out loud Red! You set your laser on too high again!"
"Oops," Red winced as he saw the dead Irken on the floor.
"He's charred to a crisp and smoking up the room!" Purple snapped. "How are we supposed to sleep with that stench in here? Really?"
"Well it's time for us to get up anyway," Red sighed as he pushed a button for his servants.
"That is the fifth alarm clock you've gone through this month!" Purple snapped as his Pak disconnected from his recharging station. "And this one actually had a decent singing voice!"
"I know, I know…" Red moaned as other Irken servants ran in to clean up the mess. "I'm sorry Purple. My bad."
"I think you'd better get that laser looked at," Purple said as he walked in his sleeping robes to the personal hygiene station. "It cooks our servants way too fast."
"Well it is a laser," Red told him as he entered the room too.
"Yeah but it's supposed to be set on stun," Purple told him as he entered his personal hygiene chamber. He disrobed inside and let the cleansing spray do it's work.
"Maybe you're right. Oh well," Red did the same.
Soon they were dressed in their royal attire and checking themselves in the mirror. "Sometimes I just hate my antennae," Red pouted. "They never look quite right in the morning."
"Stop it. Your antennae are fine," Purple told him. He looked behind him. "Red do you think I've gained weight?"
"No, of course not!" Red rolled his eyes. "Why you're even thinner than our days at the academy."
"Well I know my waist and torso are due to the Tallest Ritual but my backside?" Purple wiggled it.
"It's fine! Come on! I'm hungry! Time for breakfast!" Red said.
"Ooh! I hope they have pancakes and donuts!" Purple cheered.
9:00 AM – 10:00 AM
Breakfast/Morning Meeting
"Pancakes and donuts! Yay!" Purple cheered as the Tallest dug into their favorite foods.
"My Tallest there are many situations that need your attention today," Rarl Kove, Personal Advisor to the Tallest spoke. He was a medium height green eyed Irken who had his Pak on his chest, rather than his back. Which of course was the traditional place for Irkens in the Advisor/Assistant/Secretary class.
No one knows why this particular class alone does this. They just do it.
Next to him was a red eyed Irken of the same height. "You have a brief meeting with some Elite Invaders after breakfast," Personal Assistant Ik told them. "Then a planetary invasion after that. Then a meeting with Irk's most powerful military generals and…"
"Blah! Blah! Blah! Can't you see we're eating here?" Purple snapped.
"Yeah you go talk to the generals Rarl," Red munched. "I mean being our advisor is your job after all!"
"My job is to advise you, my Tallest," Rarl frowned. He had had this particular argument many times before. "Not to do your jobs."
"Last I checked our jobs as their assistants were whatever the Tallest ask," Ik sniffed at Rarl Kove.
"Yeah! Ik's right!" Purple snapped, his mouth full of donuts.
"Suck up," Rarl Kove glared at Ik.
"I'm just stating the facts," Ik said in a superior tone. "The Tallest already have a very full day today. We have another planetary invasion to begin. There's the ribbon cutting ceremony they must perform on the new Supermarket planet. And you have tickets for tonight's executions on Irk and then you have to go to the party being held at Science Minister Ish's dwelling."
"Oooh! Parties and executions! This is going to be a good day!" Purple grinned.
"Yeah so long as Zim doesn't screw it up!" Red grumbled.
Purple glared at him. "What did I say about that little rule we have about neither of us mentioning you know who until after breakfast? Are you trying to ruin my appetite?"
"It's been a week since we heard from the little maniac and I have a bad feeling he's going to try and contact us," Red grumbled.
"And you couldn't wait until after we ate before you mentioned this little notion of yours?" Purple snapped. "My appetite is almost ruined. Almost!" He started eating again.
"My Tallest if I may, this meeting with the Top Generals of Irk is most vital," Rarl Kove began. "There have been many distressing situations…"
"You want to hear about distressing situations? Try speaking to Zim for a couple of hours! That's a distressing situation!" Red grunted.
"Why do you do this?" Purple threw up his hands. "Why do you do this to yourself?"
"I know! But I can't help it!" Red said.
"Red this is why you have problems relaxing! You just don't know when to let go!" Purple said. "Yes I know Zim will probably call us sooner or later and yes it will be painful as it always is but I will not let him ruin my day before it's begun! Or at the very least my breakfast!"
"If I may interrupt My Tallest there have been a lot of uprisings and unusual amount of rebellions on our conquered worlds," Rarl Kove tried again.
"I just hate Zim so much!" Red shouted.
"Well so do I but I refuse to let him have any power over me!" Purple snapped. "That's what's happening here Red. He's ruining your day before it begins and you are just letting him!"
"I know! You're right," Red sighed. "You're right."
"Of course I'm right!" Purple said. "Look that short little creep has been a pain since we first met him and the best way to deal with him is to give him some task to get us out of our hair for a while."
"Oh yes and that's worked so well so far!" Red snapped.
"Tallest please. The Generals need your advice…" Rarl Kove began.
"Advice? Advice? What is there to advise? You know the drill, if there are any uprisings on a planet just go get the Irken Army and stamp it out. And if the planet isn't that important annihilate the inhabitants and turn it into either a factory or parking lot! How hard is that?" Red snapped. "They don't need us to tell them that!"
"Yeah that's what all our fancy weapons and genetically enhanced soldiers are for!" Purple snapped. "When they have some practical advice to get rid of Zim, then we'll talk to them!"
"I hate Zim so much!" Red snarled.
"Me too!" Purple munched on a donut. "But I'm not letting him ruin my breakfast!"
"Never mind," Rarl Kove walked away as the Tallest ate and argued. "I'll take care of it. As usual!"
10:00 AM-10:30 AM
Meeting with Elite Irken Invaders
Elite Irken Invaders were Invaders that had already conquered or assisted in the conquering of two or more planets. Those Elite Invaders that were not already on a mission were brought forward to discuss strategy and future plans and postings from the Tallest.
"Okay so who are we meeting up with today?" Red asked Rarl Kove.
"Only two Elites today My Tallest," Rarl Kove explained. "Elite Invader Twik and Smirk. Currently both Twik and Smirk have invaded five planets each. Twik is asking the Tallest for a new assignment and Smirk is handing in his presentation on a possible new world to conquer."
"Send Twik in first," Red waved.
An Invader with green eyes that wasn't too tall but not too short walked in. "My Tallest!" He bowed. He handed the Tallest a box. "I bring you gifts of gummy snacks from the planet Gummeria!"
"Ooooh! Tasty!" Purple grabbed the box and ate some snacks. "Ooh so yummy!"
"The Tallest are pleased by your gift Invader Twik," Red nodded. "Look to be honest we're still looking for more new planets to conquer that don't already have invaders on there. But we're gonna put you right on the short list. So why don't you go away for a week or so on vacation? Okay?"
"But I just got back from vacation," Twik blinked.
"Oh," Red blinked. "Well why don't you go hang out in the Officer's Snacking Station for a few hours and we'll see if we can get a planet for you to invade?"
"Thank you My Tallest! I eagerly await your command," Twik bowed respectfully before leaving the room.
"You know I like Twik," Purple munched on the snacks. "He may not be as superior in height as us but he does know his snacks."
"He's okay," Red shrugged. "Send in Invader Smirk."
"Ooh, maybe he has some drinks to wash down the snacks?" Purple asked.
To their shock a rather tall Irken walked in. In fact he looked only a centimeter shorter than the Tallest. "Smirk?" Red's jaw dropped.
"Greetings Tallest. I believe I have discovered a new planet for us to conquer," Smirk handed them a data pad. "Planet Oooken."
"Oooken?" Purple blinked as he took the data pad.
"Yes the inhabitants of that planet are excruciatingly primitive. I believe it will only take me a week to conquer them," Smirk said proudly.
"Uh Smirk if you don't mind me saying so…You've grown a bit since we last saw you," Red blinked.
"Yes I have. In fact I think I'm still growing," Smirk said proudly.
"Really?" Red's antennae drooped a little.
"Yes I know," Smirk smiled as he examined his fingers. "Who knows? Maybe I'll become even taller than you and replace you as the Tallest?"
Purple and Red exchanged looks. "Well stranger things have happened," Purple said. "Oh Smirk before you leave we kind of need a favor."
"A favor?" Smirk asked.
"Just a little thing. Our garbage compactor slash incinerator seems to be broken," Purple pointed to a large hole in the wall covered with a retractable metal lid. Purple pushed a button and the lid opened. "Could you check it out for us? I think something is stuck in there."
"We called our technicians but you know how slow they are," Red shrugged. "Could you just take a quick look and check it out for us?"
"Well I guess so," Smirk blinked. He looked in. "I don't really see anything wrong."
"It's further in," Purple said. "You really gotta look in there so you can see it."
"Okay…" Smirk put his head into the compactor. "I still don't see anything."
"A little further," Purple instructed. "Just skootch in there a little bit."
Smirk crawled in. "I still don't see anything."
"Just a little more," Purple said.
Smirk crawled in further. "I'm not sure I see…"
Just then Purple shoved Smirk into the chute and shut the lid. He then pushed a button marked VERY SHARP KNIVES, then another one that said PUREE and a third that said INCINERATE.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Smirk screamed as the garbage disposal did it's work. And that was the end of Smirk.
"Well that nips that little problem in the bud," Purple brushed off his hands.
"So much for wannabe Tallest Smirk. If anybody asks, Smirk got blown up by the enemy," Red instructed the technicians on board the Massive. "Unless anyone also wants to check out the garbage disposal?"
"Nope. Not me! Those dang enemies got Smirk! Yup that's what happened all right!" The Technicians said.
One Technician raised his hand. "My Tallest? Which enemy killed Smirk if I may ask?"
"Hmmm," Red thought it was a good point. "Well we can't say it's the Resisty because nobody would believe us. Because they're so stupid. And we can't really let people think that there's an enemy out there that can fight us."
"We could always say Zim killed him," Purple suggested. "By accident."
"Yeah I'd believe that," Red nodded. "Okay Zim killed Smirk by accident. Not like he hasn't killed anyone else that way before."
"Good plan. Oh and call Twik up and tell him that we found a planet for him to invade," Purple smirked.
"Yes good old short obedient Twik," Red cackled with laughter.
10:30 AM – 10:45 AM
Snack Time
"Munch! Munch! Munch! Munch!" The Tallest ate their snacks happily on the bridge of the Massive. Some of the technicians who hadn't eaten in over a day stared at them hungrily.
Even though Irkens can go several days without food due to the nutrient storage system in their Paks they still get hungry after all.
"Sir, we're getting a transmission from Earth," A technician spoke. "It's Zim!"
"Not now…Having snacks," Red ate with gusto.
"Tell him we'll call him back later," Purple snorted. "Like never!"
"Right!" Red snorted with glee. "We need to stock up on our strength! We have a planet to conquer today!"
10:45 AM-11 AM
Conquest of the Planet Blend
"Another day, another planet to crush under our heels," Purple smirked as the Massive orbited around another hapless planet. "So what's the story on this one?"
"Planet Blend. Populated by fuzzy purple bunnies," Rarl Kove told them. "Invader El's is responsible for conquering the planet."
"No major civilizations?" Red asked.
"No just bunnies," Rarl Kove told them. "Lots and lots of bunnies."
"Bunnies with flying spaceships and…?" Purple asked.
"No, nothing but bunnies," Rarl Kove explained. "Lots of grass, trees, flowers, mountains and bunnies."
"Transmission coming in," A Technician reported. "It's Invader El."
"Put her on the monitor," Red said. "Greetings El."
Invader El stood there. On her head were a pair of fake purple bunny ears. "Invader El awaiting the armada my Tallest!" She saluted.
"Good work El. I take it you had no problems?" Red asked.
"None my Tallest! Forgive me for taking so long but I had to do a complete and thorough investigation of the planet before preparing the planet for invasion," El explained. "I have discovered that the purple bunnies of Blend make excellent coats. And slippers."
She showed them two pairs of purple and red furred robes. "I made these especially for you My Tallest. The uh, red one I had to dye but you can see where I'm going with this," El said. "They are very soft and warm."
"Oooh! I love gifts!" Purple giggled. "You've outdone yourself El."
"Yes thanks to you we can use Blend to harvest the inhabitants and use their fur to make coats and slippers!" Red cackled. "And sell them at a huge profit! Good work El!"
"Thank you, My Tallest. Oh by the way I did find some mountains full of precious ore we can use for making our ships," El explained. "Real high quality stuff too."
"Excellent work El," Red nodded. "Your Tallest are pleased."
"So it will be a bunny farm slash mining planet," Purple said. "That'll work."
"Yeah just use one half for mining and the other for harvesting bunnies," Red nodded. "Let the invasion begin!"
Scenes of destruction on Blend were shown. Trees and fields of flowers burning. Purple bunnies screaming in terror to be captured by Irken Invaders. Hundreds of purple bunnies thrown in cages. Baby bunnies torn from their mothers screaming. Mining droids tearing up the mountains of Blend. Some purple rabbits were chained to carts, being forced to pull the ore up mountains to a processing plant. Purple rabbits being carried away to a made up slaughterhouse slash coat farm. The screams and squeals of tortured rabbits could be heard.
And the Tallest laughed.
Another planet had fallen to the Irken Empire.
11:00 AM to 12 PM
Just flying around in outer space on the Massive.
"That was a good invasion," Purple relaxed in his quarters wearing his purple rabbit jacket and fur slippers. "Pretty efficient too."
"Well El did do most of the work," Red agreed. "I mean all she needed was help to run the mining drones and the slaughterhouses. And the rabbit coat factory."
"Yeah I had no problem having El control the planet for us," Purple sighed. "So what else do we have to do today?"
"Probably some other stuff," Red shrugged. "I just want to sit back and cruise for a bit."
"Yeah nothing's better than flying around on the Massive, cruising the galaxy!" Purple smirked.
"Nothing except…" Red grinned.
"Eating snacks while cruising the galaxy!" Purple finished.
"Wait it's kind of close to lunchtime," Red realized. "Don't want to spoil your appetite."
"Oh that's right. So uh now that we've conquered a planet what do you want to do?" Purple asked.
"I dunno, what do you wanna do?" Red asked.
"I dunno, what do you wanna do?" Purple asked.
"Incoming transmission from Earth!" The computer spoke.
"Ohhh! I know what I don't want to do!" Red groaned. "I don't want to talk to Zim!"
"And today was going so well," Purple sighed.
"Yes Zim, what is it now?" Red snarled as he opened the transmission from Earth.
"Greetings my Tallest," Zim stood there proudly, despite the fact that he was wearing a fish costume. "I wanted to report on my latest new weapon I have designed to destroy the filthy humans and conquer the Earth!"
"That's great Zim," Red blinked. "Why are you wearing a fish costume?"
"Because my bear suit is at the cleaners."
"Of course it is," Purple sighed.
"This weapon is so powerful, so mighty it will be a homage to the glory that is ZIM!" Zim said dramatically. "I have created a giant squid monster to unleash on the humans with it's mighty tentacles! Mighty!"
"Good for you," Red said. "Okay uh Zim we gotta go do some stuff here so we're gonna…"
"It is mighty! Mighty tentacles and powerful ink of doom!" Zim cackled.
"Tentacles and ink of doom. Look forward to hearing about that. Tallest out!" Red shut the transmission. "Is it just me or does Zim get even weirder each time he calls us?"
"It's not just you," Purple sighed. "So what do you want to do now?"
"I dunno, what do you want to do?"
12:00 PM-1:30 PM
Lunch
"Yum! Yum! I love these cream stuffed pastries!" Purple munched happily in their personal quarters on the Massive.
"Me too," Red agreed.
"Incoming transmission from Earth," The computer reported.
"Again? Some people just don't know when to quit!" Red bristled.
"What is it now Zim?" Purple asked when Zim appeared again. "Can't you see we're eating?"
"Uh my Tallest apparently there has been a slight mistake in the package I sent you," Zim laughed nervously.
"What package?" Red asked.
"Well you were supposed to get a sample of some Earth plants for the scientists to study but Gir here screwed it up!" Zim snapped.
"I like corn!" Gir chirped. He was in a beaver suit. "CORN!"
"Anyway…" Zim began.
"Yeah, yeah, package screw up…Par for the course really," Red waved. "Zim we'll call yo back later!"
"Okay, when is later?" Zim asked.
"Later. As in not now!" Red snapped as he shut the transmission. "That guy is so pushy."
"What do you think Zim sent us?" Purple asked. "It can't be good whatever it is."
"Oh just tell Security to burn it the second it comes on board," Red waved. "That'll solve our problem."
1:30 PM-2:00 PM
Still more flying around in space on the Massive.
"This is what being the Tallest is all about," Red stood proudly on the special podium for the Tallest on the bridge of the Massive. "Conquering the universe and being lords of all we survey."
"That and eating all the snacks we want," Purple said.
"Yes, we the Tallest are the undisputed leaders of the Empire and nothing can stop that," Red grinned. "Nothing! Absolutely nothing."
"Nope. Not a thing," Purple added.
"Treachery! Treason! My Tallest! A plot! A plot to destroy you!" Ik ran in screaming.
"Oh so you admit it?" Purple shouted. "Guards! Seize the little…"
"Not me! Rarl Kove! He and the Top Generals are plotting a coup!" Ik protested.
"What? Are you sure?" Red asked. "Or have you been guzzling a little spiked nectar on the job again?"
"No, My Tallest! I heard it with my own antennae!" Ik told them. "They want to take over the empire for themselves!"
"Oh come on! That's ridiculous! Those guys would never turn on us!" Purple snorted.
"Uh Purple…Maybe it's not so ridiculous?" Red gulped as he tapped his friend on the back.
"What do you mean it's…?" Purple turned around. He saw Rarl Kove and seven medium to tallish Irken military leaders with some soldiers pointing weapons at them. "Oh."
"Tallest, since you refuse to do anything to run the empire I feel that it is our duty to relieve you of the responsibility of doing so," Rarl Kove huffed.
"You can't do that! They can't do that right?" Purple asked. "For one thing you're all shorter than we are!"
"Yes but we're the ones taking care of the empire and doing all the work while you two fools just sit around eating snacks!" A general snapped.
"Rarl convinced us that since we do all the work anyway, why not just take over?" Another general agreed. "Not like too many people are going to miss you!"
"Miss us? We're the freaking Tallest! The people love us!" Red snapped.
"No, we don't! We just don't want to get killed!" A turncoat soldier shouted.
"Don't worry Tallest. We won't harm you. Just put you two somewhere where you'll be out of the way," Rarl Kove said.
"This is treason!" Red snapped.
"It's not treason to defend and protect the Irken Empire from lazy slobs like…" The first general began.
Suddenly there was a huge roar. A very large squid like creature broke into the room landing right on the Tallests' platform. Before anyone knew it, the creature grabbed several of the generals and soldiers with it's tentacles. The Tallest, Ik and Rarl Kove dodged out of the way of the tentacles. The remaining soldiers and generals were knocked off the platform by the squid when it jumped to the floor below.
"Let me guess," Red sighed as a couple of security Irkens ran up to the Tallest. "Zim's package?"
"Yes, My Tallest!" One said. "We tried to burn it as you ordered but…"
"I can see why that didn't work yeah," Red sighed.
"In fact the creature's ink made an even bigger fire in one of our hangars," The other explained.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! AHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAHH!" The generals screamed as the Squid Monster strangled them with his tentacles. One or two of them had their heads smashed repeatedly against a wall.
SLASH! TEAR! SMASH!
All the traitorous generals and their soldiers were soon dead and in messy pieces on the floor below the Tallests' podium. "Well that was convenient," Purple blinked.
"Yeah for once Zim did us a favor," Red agreed. He looked at the security forces. "Do you guys mind getting that?" He pointed to the monster below them.
"At once my Tallest!" The Soldiers saluted and then went to fight the monster. More security ran in to take on the giant squid. Some more soldiers came to protect the Tallest.
"This is impossible! This can't be happening! This…" Rarl Kove shouted. Then realized he was being glared at by some very angry Tallest. "Uh would you believe this was all a joke?"
"No," Purple folded his arms.
"Didn't think so," Rarl Kove gulped.
"I think we should put you somewhere out of the way!" Purple growled.
"Now how are we going to punish you?" Red glared at Rarl Kove who was trembling. "Shoot you out of a cannon? Send you to Foodcourtia? Have you torn limb from limb by the vicious Hologulus Snorklesmirt?"
"Ooh! Maybe we should send him to wherever Zim is and have him become Zim's assistant?" Purple cackled.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO! Not that! Anything but that!" Rarl Kove fell to his knees and begged. "Mercy Tallest! Mercy!"
"Oh very well," Red waved his hand. "We the Tallest shall show mercy. Throw him to the Hologulus Snorklesmirt."
"Thank you Tallest! Wait…NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Rarl Kove screamed as he was dragged away by soldiers.
"Cheese puff my Tallest?" Ik snapped his fingers and got a tray of cheese puffs. He gave them to the Tallest with a bow.
"Thank you Ik," Red ate them.
"Loyal trustworthy new Advisor to the Tallest Ik," Purple grinned.
"Thank you, my Tallest. Oh one more thing my Tallest," Ik pulled out a data pad. "Here's a list of my own personal enemies who by the way are very likely to have sided with the traitorous Rarl Kove. May I be so bold as to ask that they be executed?"
"Why not? Better safe than sorry," Red signed the execution orders.
"Wow, there's a lot of guys on here," Purple noticed. "The Snorklesmirt is going to eat well tonight."
"Hold on a second, is that Goo on this list?" Red noticed someone.
"Goo? As in Grand Admiral Goo, hero of the Flemming Wars and in charge of running some of our most top secret and dangerous spy rings?" Purple asked.
"Uh well…Yes…" Ik coughed.
Red frowned. "You know…I never liked that guy."
"Me neither," Purple said. "Always so pushy."
"Yeah we almost got banned from taking part in the Great Choosing of the Tallest Ceremony because of him," Red snapped. "Said we were too selfish and incompetent to be Tallest!"
"Yeah I remember him now!" Purple said. "He called me stupid! I'm not stupid!"
"Of course not, my Tallest! Why do you think that he needs to be destroyed?" Ik asked. "He's a threat to your reign!"
"Okay you've sold us," Red signed the order. "Have him shot out of a cannon. Don't want to overfeed the Snorklesmirt."
"Excellent choice my Tallest," Ik smiled. "Once we clean house and get rid of all disloyal Irkens, I…I mean you can make this empire even greater and make it even more powerful than before!"
Ik smiled. Years of careful plotting and spying on his fellow coworkers had paid off. He was now the power behind the throne. All his scheming and sucking up to the Tallest had paid off.
Right up until the point where the squid monster grabbed Ik by the neck with one of his tentacles. "AAAAHHHKKKK!" Ik screamed in pain. Although not for long.
"Great. Ik's dead too," Purple blinked.
"Oh well, we'll kill all his enemies anyway," Red said.
"Yeah I mean it's the very least we can do," Purple said giving the orders to an Irken soldier. "After he went to so much trouble getting rid of Rarl Kove and getting us snacks."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Several Irken technicians ran for their lives away from the squid monster below. Several more Irken solders chased after it.
"You know I can't remember the last time we had some public executions. I mean really important Irken executions. Can you?" Red asked.
"Well I know it was before the first Operation Impending Doom," Purple thought.
"GET IT! GET IT!" Someone else shouted before a horrible scream was heard.
"Oh well at least it will be interesting tonight," Red winced as he saw the scene. "Maybe we should stay in our quarters until this whole mess is contained?"
"Or at the very least the blood splatters are off the walls," Purple winced.
2:00 PM-3:00 PM
More snacks and flying around on the Massive
"You still haven't killed that stupid creature?" Red groaned as he looked at an Irken soldier.
"No, My Tallest but we have it contained in the cargo bay," The soldier said. "We're pretty sure we can kill it off before the end of the day."
"Or we could just throw Rarl Kove to the squid to entertain us until we get home," Purple said as he casually munched on some snacks.
"Uh yeah about that…" The soldier coughed. "You see there was a lot of commotion and tentacles waving about and ink and…"
"And?" Red raised an antennae.
"And Rarl Kove kind of escaped," The soldier coughed.
"Escaped?" Red growled.
"Yeah grabbed a Voot Cruiser when his guards got knocked out and killed by the squid," The soldier coughed. "But we'll get him. We just sent out an APB and it's only a matter of time until…"
Ten minutes later…
"PLEASE MY TALLEST! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! AAAAAAAAAHHH!" The hapless soldier screamed as he was thrown to the giant squid in the cargo bay.
"You know, you gotta admit this about Zim. He does make good monsters," Red munched on his popcorn as the Tallest watched the squid tear apart the soldier on the monitor.
3:00 PM-4:00 PM
Ribbon cutting ceremony on Planet Marketbasketa, the new supermarket planet.
"And now it is with great pride that we declare this new supermarket planet open!" Red said cheerfully to a crowd of Irkens and other aliens as he cut the ribbon in front of a huge storefront.
The crowd cheered. Then screamed in fear and agony. Then they screamed some more as they were covered with ink as the Squid Monster rampaged among the crowd.
"Okay we really need to get rid of that thing," Purple moaned. "SECURITY!"
4:00 PM-5:00 PM
Even more flying around on the Massive
"On the bright side we finally got that squid thing off our ship," Purple said as the Tallest stood on the bridge of the Massive. "And we've got all the blood cleaned off the floor. That's got to be worth something."
"It's going to take weeks to repair all the damage on Marketbasketa," Red moaned.
"Yes, but now their sushi department is well stocked," Purple said.
"At least that's all over with," Red sighed. "So what do you want to do now?"
"I dunno, what do you want to do?" Purple asked.
"Not this argument again!" Red snapped.
"Well I'm open to suggestions!" Purple said.
"Sirs, we are getting a transmission from Fighter Squad B-26!" A technician said.
"Aren't they on patrol on the eastern boarder of the Irken Empire?" Red asked.
"No, Sir. The Western Boarder."
"Same difference," Red waved. "Put 'em on."
An Irken pilot shouted. "My Tallest! We're under attack by the Resisty! We need reinforcements!"
"The Resisty? Yeah right! Nice try! But this isn't the day to make prank phone calls!" Red snapped. "Cut the transmission!"
"But My Tallest…?" The pilot gasped before he was shut off.
"The Resisty. Seriously. Those losers?" Red scoffed.
"As if the Resisty could do anything against the might of the Irken Empire! Ha!" Purple laughed. Then Red laughed with him.
Far away on the Western Border…
"My Tallest! It's not a joke! I don't know how but…" The Irken pilot's eyes widened as a huge ship loomed over his. "Oh no…"
"How do you Irken slime like our new ship now?" Lard Nar cackled as he and his crew easily blew apart the Irken fighters. "Looks like there was one more Vortian ship you forgot about!"
"Yeah lucky for us we crash landed on that moon that used to be an old Vortian base!" Shlooknktapooxis, the triangle like second in command squealed. "BLOW THOSE SUCKERS UP!"
"Yes I guess before we only had the second to last Vortian ship still in existence," Lard Nar grinned.
"Wooo Wheeeeeeeeee! This sucker is almost as big as the Massive! And more weapons and stuff!" Shlooknktapooxis cheered. "I say we call it the Pirate Monkey!"
"What is it with you and that name?" Lard Nar snapped. The second in command gave him a look. "Okay fine! We'll call the ship the Pirate Monkey! Happy now?"
"YAY!" The triangle alien cheered.
"Yes! Yay for us and doom for the Irken Empire!" Lard Nar cheered. Suddenly there was an alarm. "We're being hailed!"
"It's an Irken Voot Cruiser!" Another alien shouted. "WE'RE DOOMED!"
"No we're not!" Lard Nar snapped. "Put it on the monitor."
The image of Rarl Kove was seen. "Are you the Resisty?"
"Who wants to know Irken?" Lard Nar snarled.
"Wait! I come in peace! My name is Rarl Kove, former assistant to the Tallest," Rarl Kove told them. "I want to join the Resisty!"
"Why should we let you in?" Lard Nar snared.
"Because I know everything about Irken defense systems, planetary conquest weapons and all the strengths and weaknesses of the Irken Empire," Rarl Kove explained.
"Okay that sounds like some pretty good reasons," Lard Nar blinked. "But why would you an Irken want to help us?"
"Because the Tallest have betrayed our people and tried to kill me," Rarl Kove said.
"Revenge huh? That does sound like a pretty good reason," Lard Nar thought. "Okay we'll let you on board. But you have to tell us everything you know!"
"Of course, including some interesting information about an invasion on a little known planet called Earth," Rarl Kove smirked. "Where the Empire's most dangerous Invader is stationed."
5:00 PM-6:00 PM.
Cocktail Hour
"Now this is good nectar," Red sipped his drink. "Just the thing we need after a long day!"
"Yes so long and tiresome," Purple agreed as he drank his nectar. There were also snacks on a table nearby them.
"Incoming transmission from Earth," A technician remarked.
"And it's about to become even more tiresome," Red winced.
"HI THERE!" Gir was shown on screen. "You seen my pig?" He shoved a confused looking pig into the screen so it's snout mashed up against the monitor.
"What in the…?" Purple coughed.
"Say hi to the pig! Hi pig!" Gir said cheerfully.
"Is that stupid thing calling us again?" Purple moaned.
"ZIM!" Red yelled.
"Master went out! See my pig! See the pig!" Gir said cheerfully.
"Oink?" The Pig blinked.
"Maybe giving Zim that defective SIR Unit may not have been the smartest idea we ever had?" Red sighed in agony.
Unknown to the Tallest they dropped a large bag of donuts and some chips on the floor. When they weren't paying attention, some technicians grabbed them and ate them ravenously.
6:00 PM-7:00 PM
Dinnertime
"See my pig! See my pig!" Gir still was on screen with the pig.
"Can't you shut that stupid transmission off?" Red snapped. The Tallest were trying to eat their supper. "We're trying to eat here!"
"Sorry Sir but for some reason we can't," The technician said as he worked furiously. "Somehow that SIR Unit hijacked the signal."
"LOOK AT MY PIG'S BUTT!" Gir turned the pig around and mashed the behind right into the monitor screen.
"Oh! That's it!" Purple spat out his food. "I just lost my appetite!"
"I'm starting to miss the squid monster," Red groaned.
7:00 PM – 8:00 PM
Flying back on the Massive to Irk.
"It took two hours and ruined our dinner but that transmission is finally cut," Red moaned as he lay in the couch in their personal quarters.
"We really should change our number or something," Purple moaned.
"I just want to relax before we go to the executions," Red sighed.
The monitor in their quarters turned on suddenly. "SEE MY PIG!" Gir shouted as he shoved the squealing pig to the monitor so close they could see up it's snout. And there were some disturbing things in it's snout.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" The Tallest screamed. Then Purple threw up.
8:00 PM to 9:00 PM
Flargday Night Executions
"No more pig…" Purple rocked back and forth in a corner. "No more pig…"
"Purple, it's okay. There's no pigs here," Red said soothingly. He put his hands on his friend's back. "There, there. The bad pig is gone."
"No pig…Yes…No Pig," Purple stood up shaking.
"It's all over," Red said. "Now let's go watch some nice calming executions now, shall we?"
"Yeah, yeah that will make me feel a lot better," Purple nodded. They sat in their chairs in the royal box. They overlooked a giant indoor arena.
Several formerly important Irkens, mostly generals and other administrators had been shoved into the arena. "Welcome everyone to the Flargday Night Executions! Now usually we execute enemy aliens but tonight is Traitor Night! These are all enemies of the empire! And now here's your favorite monster…The Hologulus Snorklesmirt!"
"YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!" The crowd cheered.
"Why am I here? I'm just a level two pencil pusher!" One Irken wailed.
"You fools! Don't you see that the Irken Empire is at it's breaking point?" Another condemned general shouted. Then a huge shadow of a giant beast loomed over him. "Eep!"
"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Chomp them down good!" Purple cheered.
"Feel better?" Red asked.
"Much," Purple grinned.
9:00 PM to 12:00 PM
Party at the house of Irken Minister of Science Ish.
"And then we shot him out of a cannon," Red smirked. A group of important slightly tall Irkens laughed as they stood around him. "I know. Funny story."
"Red have you tried these pastry puff thingies?" Purple stuffed his mouth with some pastry he took off of a short Irken that had the tray tied to his head. "These are heavenly!"
"You think that's heavenly feast your eyes on this!" Ish, a medium height Irken with green eyes and green robes pointed to a pool of gelatin in the middle of the room where some multi colored fish danced on it. "The Dancing Fish of Inrori, the only fish in the universe that survive in gelatin and only gelatin!"
"Oooh! Ahhh!" The Irkens cheered as the fish danced.
"Pant…Pant…" The fish jumped back into the gelatin after they finished their routine to literally take a breather.
"Who said you could go on break?" Ish snapped. "Keep dancing unless you want to be sushi!" The fish went back to dancing above the gelatin. "That's better."
"Ish you always do throw the best parties," Red said.
"And you also get the best snacks!" Purple stuffed his mouth some more.
"Thank you my Tallest," Ish smirked. "Say do you want to hear some really juicy gossip?"
"Depends on how juicy it is," Red gave him a look.
"Well you know Invader Smirk? I heard from a very reliable source that he's been juicing himself with extra hormones to gain extra height," Ish smirked.
"Why does that not surprise me?" Red snorted. "Oh wait, by the way. Smirk is dead."
"Dead?" Ish gasped.
"Yeah got blown up by Zim. But feel free to repeat that story to anyone and everyone you know," Red told him.
"Serves him right," Ish nodded. "I always thought he was a juicer."
"That's what you get for cheating," Red agreed.
"Hey! Where do you think you're going Pastry Puff Boy?" Purple snapped at a snack tray Irken. "Back over here! Right next to me! Until you're empty and then you can go and get more pastry puffs! Got it?"
The short Irken walked next to Purple. "That's more like it!" Purple snapped then ate pastry from the tray on his head.
"Speaking of the little defective, what juicy gossip can you give me about him?" Ish asked Red. "I'm dying to hear about his latest failure."
"Oh don't get me started on Zim," Red moaned.
"I can just imagine what he's put you through," Ish sighed.
"You can't Ish! You just can't!" Red groaned.
"Really you can't," Purple said as he ate. "This time it involves a squid monster and a fish suit."
"Oh stars does his depravity and insanity know no bounds?" Ish gasped.
"Probably not," Red sighed. "I'll tell you later. Right now I just want to relax and forget about the day."
"I understand. I know you hate to talk business at a party. However there is one thing," Ish coughed. "You might be getting a call from Minister Stinge about me. You see I borrowed just a teeny tiny bit from the Treasury of Irk to fund this party."
"How much is a teeny tiny bit?" Red asked.
"Oh not much. Just a couple of million moneys or so," Ish waved. "But I told him it was an important party. I mean you're here right? And I had to get those pastry snacks Purple likes! I know they're a tad more expensive but they're worth it!"
"Oh so worth it," Purple munched. "You can't skimp on snacks!"
"Yeah and it's for us, the Tallest!" Red huffed. "That's a legitimate business expense!"
"I know! That's what I told him!" Ish said. "And he still wouldn't give me what I needed. The meanie. So I hacked into the system and got it anyway. I know I should have asked you first but…"
"Oh Ish! Come on Ish! You didn't have a choice! You had a party to plan and complete on time," Purple said.
"So you do forgive me for this little…breach of protocol?" Ish asked.
"Breach! Ish, Stinge should have just given you whatever you needed the second you told him this party was for us!" Red huffed.
"I know. And the ministers and other important Irkens here!" Ish said. "It's not like I ordered the most expensive Nectar and crystal goblets for myself!"
"Of course you didn't! Hasn't Stinge ever heard of networking?" Purple snapped.
"I just wanted to make sure…" Ish said.
"It's not a problem Ish," Red assured him.
"I know you don't like to talk about business but I thought just to be on the safe side…" Ish explained.
"Ish, Ish! How long have we known each other?" Red put a chummy arm around Ish. "Why the three of us were all smeeted together! We grew up together! We cheated off each other's tests together! We go back a long way!"
"Yeah if you say you need money for a party for us, we'll let you have some," Purple agreed. "Hey! I'm out of snacks! Okay now you can go!" He snapped at the living snack tray. The Irken fled for his life. "And don't come back until you're full of snacks!"
"You know I don't like to cause waves," Ish said.
"Ish it's okay," Red assured him. "I will take care of it."
"You will?" Ish asked.
"I will personally have a long talk with Stinge in the morning and tell him exactly what his priorities should be," Red told him.
"Oh thank you so much Tallest Red! You have no idea what a weight it takes off my shoulders," Ish gushed.
"Think nothing of it," Red waved magnanimously.
"Let me get you some more sparkling nectar," Ish said. "But first I have to start the entertainment!"
"There's more than dancing fish?" Purple was surprised.
"Oh much more! I got some interesting specimens from our alien dissection lab. You'll see!" Ish moved away.
"Ooh this is gonna be good," Purple grinned.
"And now for your entertainment! A little battle to the death between a Vortian and a Gloxskloobian!" Ish clapped his hands.
Part of the floor moved away, revealing a small arena. Two aliens with spears and collars were thrown by guards into the ring. "Kill 'em! Kill 'em!" The Irkens chanted as the two aliens sparred.
However no one noticed the two aliens give each other a look. Without warning they turned as one and shouted. "DEATH TO THE IRKEN EMPIRE!" And threw their spears right at the Tallest.
Well it was supposed to be right at the Tallest. Their aim was off and they hit Ish who was standing right next to them. "Security!" Red screamed. "Those aliens nearly killed the Tallest!"
Security zapped the collars on high frying the two aliens instantly. "He's dead!" A security officer looked at Ish.
"Oh…Hey! I want those crystal glasses!" Purple yelled.
"DIBS ON THE DANCING FISH!" Another Irken shouted. Soon the entire party had devolved into a looting mob. Irkens running over themselves to take anything that wasn't nailed down.
"Give me those drapes!" Two Irkens were in a wild tug of war with some drapes.
"Hey! Tallest here! Tallest gets first dibs!" Purple got into the fight.
"Why is it we can't go to any party lately without some nut throwing deadly weapons?" Red moaned.
12:00 PM to 13:00 PM.
Relaxing at Tallest Manor and watching the Evening News.
"Well other than Ish's horrible death and the assassination attempt it was a lovely party," Purple sniffed. The two were sitting on a couch watching the Irken News Network at their personal mansion.
"Got some good stuff in the looting afterwards," Red agreed. "And tomorrow we now have another party to go to. Ish's after the funeral buffet. I personally instructed Stinge to spare no expense."
"I kind of like state funerals," Purple said. "Everyone is so sad but so elegant. You feel so classy and dignified wearing those ceremonial robes. And we haven't had a decent one since the last Tallest kicked the bucket."
"Yeah since Zim left those really slowed down," Red sighed.
"I'm going to miss him too," Purple said.
"Well yeah I mean…He was one of the few Irkens that understood us after we became Tallest," Red sighed. "He didn't suck up to us for power. He just liked throwing parties. And he threw a lot of them."
"I'm glad we're giving Ish the Irken Medal of Valor at the funeral," Purple sighed. "I mean he took two spears for us that's gotta mean something!"
"Yeah," Red nodded.
"Uh you are taking it back after the funeral for us right?" Purple asked.
"Well yeah. I mean it's not like Ish is going to need it is it?" Red said. "And we could always use an extra medal of honor for our collection."
"So it hasn't been a completely horrible day," Purple said brightly. "I mean we did conquer a planet, have a lot of good snacks, went to a party and got stuff and got rid of some traitors didn't we?"
"I suppose so," Red sighed. "Tomorrow is going to be such a hassle. In addition to the funeral we gotta find some new generals, a new Minister of Science, a new personal advisor to the Tallest. A new personal secretary to the Tallest. A couple more technicians for the Massive…"
The monitor came to life. "HEY THERE! SEE MY PIG!" Gir shouted cheerfully. He waved the pig around again.
"A new alarm clock…" Red gritted his teeth.
"I have a suggestion for that last one," Purple growled.