So I might have said that I'd go on an internet hiatus, but this was a story that I've been eager to write for several months now.
This story is based off of the song 'See You in my Dreams," by We the Kings.
Tobias
It's been a year. A year without her, a year waiting, angry, in some vain hope that everything was a lie. A year being so naïve, unable to accept the fact that she's gone and there's nothing I can do about it, no matter how much it angers me. A year in the past went by in the blink of an eye, but this past year has felt like a lifetime. A year ago, almost to the minute, Tris took her brother's place; the ultimate act of selflessness and bravery, despite everything he did she put it all aside and died to save him. It should have been him, I don't hate him, I'm not angry at him, I'm angry at her; her impulsive decision lost her her life, like I said it would, and all she told him was that she didn't want to leave me. Anger floods my body, but there's nothing I can do about it, if I saw her again I would immediately forgive her, I would never be angry at her again. God knows how I would react, I'd want keep her tight and never let her go. But I've missed my chance and though it pains me everyday and shall do so for the foreseeable future, I can't change her decision, it was hers and I had no say.
I should have said more than 'I'll see you later,' I should have told her I loved her, I never said it enough, and I regret that. I love you, Tris, I always will. But she can't hear me, I saw the body for myself, it was lifeless, all the color once in her face was drained, the spark in her eye: gone.
Not even in my dreams have I seen her. Sleep has become a rare thing lately, I'm lucky to get two hours solidly sleeping. I can't move on. No matter how many time Christina has taken me out and tried to introduce me to a girl, I've not been able to make anything other than awkward small talk. I hated every second of that, it felt as if I was cheating on Tris, despite the fact that she'd never know. Everyone's getting on with life, adjusting to this future much unlike our past, even Zeke's moved on, or well more so than I.
For the first few weeks after Tris died, Zeke was broken as well. He'd just lost Uriah and there was nothing that could help him, he just needed time. Day by day he got slightly better, but I, for a month or so, got worse. Eventually, everyone went and got jobs, everyone except for me. In theory I'm supposed to get one by the end of this year, however I don't see that happening anytime soon. Christina tried to persuade me that I just needed time too, but here we are 365 days later and I'm still at square one. Caleb didn't mourn long, a few weeks and people were already distracting him. I can't comprehend how he was able to do that; he knew Tris all her life, I only knew her six months, but that was enough to change me.
I let out a choked sob which shakes my bed. I've attempted to stay strong, I haven't cried for three months; the last time Christina tried to hook me up with a girl, but today is the anniversary of the last time I saw her.
I miss you, Tris.
There was a moment eleven months ago where I wanted this all to end, and I tried to make it so, I tried to end everything so that I would be reunited with her, but Christina found me, much like the day where I almost took the memory serum.
But now it's late and whenever it's late the thoughts of misery and regret fill me more so than any other time of day. Today has been hard, everyone took me out to help to try to forget what today really is. This world, this factionless, empty world, is no distraction, only a reminder of what she accomplished of why she's gone. Before the sobs take over my body I need to go sleep, try hard to abandon this world.
I'm angry, so angry.
But tonight she's standing there, we're alone in a plain room much like one you could have found in the Erudite compound. The walls are white, the tiles seamless with the floor much the same, bright light floods the room from the industrial light hangings above. But she's here, her crooked smile plastered across a lively face. Everything about her is perfect, apart from the blood seeping across her torso from where David shot her.
"Tris, " I mutter and she runs at me full force.
"Tobias," she sobs, "Tobias, I miss you," I pull her as close to me as possible holding her and never wanting to leave this dream. Though it's all in my head, I can smell her, the smell comforts me and for the first time in a year, I'm happy. I don't want her to ever leave me again.
"I love you, remember that. I am so sorry for not telling you enough when you were here," I run my fingers through her hair, once so long before she cut up in the amity compound, small wisps fly across her face, clinging to the tears rolling down.
"I wish that I could be with you," she begins to control her breathing for a moment, staring at me with her storm grey eyes, not blinking.
"I wish you were still here, I wish that you didn't take your brother's place, God I wish I stepped in," I whisper before pressing my lips to hers, the feeling I've longed for, fills me with euphoria, I've missed this. But this isn't real. This is some dream because Tris is dead. Gone. And I'm a fool for hoping other wise.
YES! So you might know if you follow my instagram ( 10otp) that i have been eager to write this and though it seems quite sad right now, I promise you that it will get better and that it will make more sense after the next chapter.
But remember to follow, favourite and review!
-Lindsay