A/N-I thought of this when I was listening to "All Apologies" by Nirvana. I started thinking about Kurt Cobain's suicide in '94, and then I just started thinking about suicide in general. So here you go, another one-shot. Read and review please!
Disclaimer: I do not own Zoey 101 or any of its characters.
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Do you think people have regrets right after they pull the trigger?
Do you think their life flashes before their eyes before that bullet hits them? Or before they swallow that handful of pills? Do you think they wish they didn't do it?
Why would you kill yourself? Why would you endure so much pain just to disappear? Do you want people to grieve for you? Do they want people to cry? Do they think of all these people that they are letting down, and that little bit of a person they are taking with them?
You hear about suicide everyday, and you think to yourself, 'I'd never do that!' But some of those people do, and somehow you always think, 'If I killed myself, would anyone notice?'
Of course they would notice! Why would anyone ever, ever, think that! Do they really think people would smile and say 'Well it's about time!'
Is this how all these people want to be remembered? As the person that killed themselves, the person that jumped in front of a car? They really want to be known as the person that took a handful of drugs, or the person that smoked too much coke, or cut themselves too deep?
Is this how you wanted to go down in history Dana, is this how you wanted to be remembered? I guess this is what you wanted people to think of when they hear you fucking name. 'Oh, that poor girl that killed herself!' Is that what you want people to think? Because I know if you were alive, you'd punch someone in the face for thinking that. You're just a damn hypocrite. That's what you are Dana, a hypocrite.
And even though I hate you so fucking much for doing this to yourself, I still cry sometimes. You think 10 years would make a difference. No, Dana, it doesn't. It still hurts like hell to think of you. Maybe this is what you wanted? Is this what you wanted, for people to miss you? So you could feel missed and wanted and loved for 3 seconds. Because you got what you wanted, Dana, you got it all. You have it wrapped up in shiny paper. This is what you get, Dana. You get to look down at me, having a miserable life, married to someone I don't even love.
She wants to have a kid with me, Dana! What am I supposed to tell her, 'No, sorry, I can't have a kid with you. I don't even really love you all that much.'
I know this sound horrible and cruel, but if I had a kid with her, I wouldn't love them half as much as I would love a kid I had with you.
Maybe because I love you so fucking much Dana, maybe that's why I can't love her.
And you know what kills me Dana? You know what fucking completely kills me? The fact that you couldn't even leave me a note, one fucking piece of shit suicide note, that's all I would need. No, you couldn't even tell me that you loved me. Even if you didn't mean it, I don't even care. You could be pulling the words from you ass for all I care. You killed yourself, and you owed me that much, and you couldn't even do that.
If you would have been alive one more day, you could have been my fiancé too. I don't even know if that would make a difference to you, but it would have meant the world to me.
I sometimes think about killing myself, but why would I want to be like you? Everything I hate about you is what you did to yourself. Why would I do the same and sink as low as you? I don't want people crying about me, and wishing I was alive. No, that might float your boat, but it defiantly sinks mine.
Sometimes I dream about you Dana. Sometimes I dream that you are alive and happy and married to me. I dream that we have a family and kids and we're both so fucking happy. And then I get up, go to work, come home, and I dream about you again. And it hurts so badly. There are only a few night that I don't dream about you, and those mornings I wake up and I'm genuinely happy.
I wish you were never alive, I wish I had never met you, because now I am truly miserable.
If you're in heaven right now, I hope I go to hell.
I'm completely honest when I say you're the worst thing that ever happened to me.
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You know what's weird? When I was writing this, I was in a really, really, good mood. Oh well. This is just a random ramble in Logan's POV. Kind of depressing, huh? Well review.