Author's Notes: This is a belated Father's Day story. I think I made a misstep somewhere :/ Well, I hope you all find it okay.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Katamari series.
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Katamari Father's Day
King of All Cosmos,
The Saturday before this past Saturday was Father's day, and even if it's late, I felt I needed to tell you how I feel. Honestly, you're a horrible parent, and it is an insult to all other parents to call you one.
You wear tight pants, tight purple pants tighter than any man ever should. Do you know how much therapy I needed for just that? You also can't handle something as simple as giving gifts. You hide them, expecting me to search all over Earth for them. I don't think peacock feathers qualify as a thoughtful gift. The only good one was that crown. It was perfect before the Queen of England started calling about it. You refer to yourself in the first person plural. Is there medication you haven't been taking? You get so drunk you can't see straight, and from the way you act you're probably smoking something.
The worst is the party and what followed. You destroy all the stars even though everyone told you not to drink and fly. Then, you expect me to clean up your mess. I'm a centimeter tall, and you ask me to run around rolling balls trying to gather a bunch of crap. You're what? Five, ten kilometers tall? Why don't you just pick up just take about five seconds to pick up like a dozen houses and call it a day? That's right. It would be too practical.
When I agree to actually do so, you give me a one meter katamari, and expect me to make it five hundred meters in fifteen minutes. As outrageous as that already is, you decide to constantly interrupt throughout the whole ordeal over my iPod. Do you think I like listening to a bunch of animals squawking? The only reason I listen to that pitiful excuse for music is to tune you out. I honestly don't care about your midlife crisis. I care even less about what a boxer and matador do. On second thought, the boxer and matador sound far more interesting than your midlife crisis.
Then, you spit out that stupid rainbow of yours and drag me away. I turn off my iPod and give you that katamari, which I brought up to one thousand meters from one, one measly meter. You sit there, bouncing it in your hand, rambling on about some random crap. Then, you say "this is far too small" and "we could have made it larger".
Despite everything previously mentioned, I want to thank you. You are half of the reason I exist, and I am grateful. Also, from watching you, I now know what kind of man I want to be: nothing like you. And, as rare as it is, you can be decent when you're not high. Plus Mom won't let me back in castle unless I gave you something.
Happy Belated Father's Day from your son,
The Prince of All Cosmos
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The giant placed his magnifying glass down, and carefully placed the card on his nightstand. He spoke to himself aloud: "Young Prince, we are overjoyed that you remembered. But, we have no idea what you're talking about."