Disclaimer: Girl Interrupted does not belong to me.
.Sometimes.
Sometimes I can help but imagine what it would have been like to be a Disney Princess with her, to have actually made it down to sunny Florida and get lost in the magic. Sometimes I just lie in bed and pretend that everything that happened after we left Claymoore was just a dream- a bad, bad dream and that we had actually made it down to Florida without anyone catching us or anything going wrong. We were princesses in the fairytale world that only Disney could create for sick kids like us who wanted to get lost in youth forever and forget the world. But there is always one detail that always made it through the erasing of time. The kiss. The sweet, soft kiss we shared made it through each fantasy wit the vibrant memory of her soft lips massaging my own. Yet, in these fantasies many more of these kisses were shared along the way.
She would have been the best Cinderella Disney has ever seen. I would have been just a mediocre Snow White, but I never was fond of her anyway. But Lisa, oh Lisa could fit right into the setting. This was her dream, and her dream had somehow become my dream. In my dreams, I could see her prancing around in a large blue dress demanding attention in only the way Lisa could, terrorizing the park but stopping for photographs with the children she emulated. I would always be right there with her, dress never as gleaming and pictures never asked of me. For who would ask for a picture with Snow White over a picture with Cinderella? Nevertheless, we were happy; we were together.
Sometimes, these dreams carry over to the morning where I wake up with a start and wonder why Lisa's blonde hair isn't attacking my face, as it had been when I laid to sleep in the dream. Those are the days that it was hard to keep moving. It is these days that I find myself mourning for Daisy. It is those days I think and do nothing else. Think about my friends, the only real ones I ever had. Think about Toby and if he ever made it to Canada. Think about Valerie and how she is doing. Eventually, I think about Lisa. I hold that off for the longest time, but it is always inevitable to think about her.
There is something about Lisa, something that demands your attention and respect upon meeting her. It could be the initial intimidation of her craziness and violent nature. It could be the way she'll send you seducing eyes from across the room with a smirk and when you blink, she's looking innocently at something else as if you don't even exist. It might just be the aura she gives of power and freedom. She just lures everyone to her, then she takes over you. I won't say that she is to blame for my behavior prior to our attempted escape, but she definitely influenced it. Lisa gets in your head and twists things the way she wants them and then sets you off with that new frame of mind. If you let her, you'll become her walking talking dummy, completely under her control. When I get angry over the past, I blame it all on her, everything. She is the cause of everything and everything played out just the way she wanted it to be due to her manipulating. She never liked Daisy, she knew she got under her skin, but she kept pushing until it happened. She knew that I was dependant, she knew it and she used it to her advantage to make me into her puppet, where upon all hell broke loose and this mess happened. It was all a game to her, even the kiss. It was all meaningless.
But that mentality only takes hold sometimes. Those sometimes aren't the times I like. To me, Lisa still holds some draw, some appeal. Even after cracking her hold and realizing the falsities that she imposes and the bullshit she commands, I can't seem to fully disconnect us. I like to think that although Lisa did control us all in her own way, we still held our own selves and not her. Under everything, I'd like to think that it was more than her attracting power that caused that kiss and it was more than Lisa's words that resulted in Daisy's death. We all had a hand in the game even if Lisa could move us.
Lisa, to me, will always be the fairytale princess of our dreams. Even though sometimes I want to blame her and scream and curse her, I can't see her as anything but the Cinderella to a magical land. I even visited the park once Justin hopes of catching a glimpse of Cinderella and having it be her, head held high due to her rightful crown and a smirk in place to spite them all. That day, I couldn't bring myself to find Cinderella, but did catch a glimpse of my princess counterpart, deciding that she was much more fitting for the job than I ever was or will be.
Sometimes I feel that my entire life has been one big dream. Sometimes the only real part is our escape. The time in Claymoore was just a blur of isolation and escape. The time before that was no more than a haze of boringness and drugs. Now, now I'm just living off memories and hoping tomorrow brings something more than what I have. I suppose I'll have to move on soon, I can't dwell forever. I'm almost ready to wake up from all of this and start life. Sometimes I fear that I haven't been living at all and died a while back. Sometimes I wish that was true.
But when I lay in my bed, with the pillow clutched tight against my body, I can lose all these sometimes in the fantasies of tomorrows and cold haves. These times I can smell the familiar scent that belongs to the blonde of my past and my dreams and can imagine her facing forever with me. These are the times that nothing matters and I can truly just live. And while I sometimes see this girl in more than my dreams for a spilt second before I crash back to reality, I know that we're still connected. Through it all, I know that this connection is what I need and I don't want to leave the comfort or sleep.
But someday soon, I know that these sometimes will fade and I'll be able to face things again. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the hope of living. Living without all these ties and memories. And some day, some day I'll be able to think back on this all with a fond recollection, shake my head, and laugh because it is a new day. Some day I'll truly escape and while I may not become Snow White, I won't be looking for Cinderella at every turn of the way. I'll become myself.