Wounded
"You've been staying indoors for too long."
Those were the words that blond carrier was saying to Akagi when I came across them together in the courtyard, two days after that night happened.
Graf Zeppelin touched Akagi's hand and continued, "Look at how pale your skin is. It's been two days. When can you come back to the battlefield...?"
Akagi pulled away from her and replied hesitantly, "I don't know. Admiral allowed me to rest until I felt better."
"A little exercise might do you some good, Akagi," Zeppelin insisted, "I'm worried about you."
"Do you think so...?"
Looking at that shy smile on her face was enough to reopen the deep gash in my heart right at that instant.
The softness from Graf Zeppelin's usually cold, hard expression only rubbed more salt in it.
Just as I couldn't bear it anymore and turned away, I heard Zeppelin's voice behind me.
"Kaga?"
My heart leapt out to my throat.
It was hot, full of burning poison...And it spread to choke my breath when I saw Akagi's reaction.
She recoiled in apparent fear, hiding herself behind Graf Zeppelin's back while clutching her cape and avoiding my eyes.
It felt like a horrible punch to the gut.
However, the only thing I showed on my face was utter indifference.
"Do you hear me?"
Zeppelin's voice was crisp, grating, challenging...and at that time there was probably nobody I hated more in this base.
And yes, more than even the incompetent 5thCarDiv.
Of course I knew how childish that was, and Akagi's timid expression peeking over Graf Zeppelin's shoulder deflated me completely.
So I tried to compose myself...despite how hard it was to pretend that nothing happened between us.
"Yes, Zeppelin-san?" I said, feeling that my tone came out as a little cocky.
"Let's talk, shall we? Just the two of us."
My eyes fell on Akagi, who was clinging to Zeppelin's cape like her life depended on it.
She bit her lip and stared at the ground, as if she was ashamed of herself.
It took all my power to look away from her and face Graf Zeppelin without any noticable change of expression.
"...alright. Just tell me the time and place."
That afternoon, I dragged my feet to the rooftop of the naval building.
Zeppelin was already waiting there, leaning against the rails with her arms crossed while watching the setting sun.
I stood next to her, and although she definitely had heard of my footsteps, she didn't look at me.
We kept gazing at that haunting scarlet color at the horizon for several minutes, before she finally spoke.
"...you are aware of what you have done, aren't you...?"
I had promised myself that, if I got a chance to have a private conversation with Graf Zeppelin again, there was one thing I needed to make sure of.
"...did she run to your place that night...?"
"Yes, she did," she replied, "I never would have expected that you were the reason she acted like that. Do you really love her...?"
"That wasn't even a question..."
She glared daggers at me. "If that is how you treated someone you love, it's a wonder anybody would want to be loved by you," she spat, "And don't give me the 'I can't help it because I love her so much' bullshit. I thought you are the inheritor of a great cultural tradition."
"You don't know my culture then."
"Well, I apologize for thinking you are better than that then," she scowled, her tone growing insolent, "Did you enjoy it? Doing that to her?"
Akagi...always makes me fall deeper in love with her in her own inumerable, inimitable ways.
And that is no exception.
"You worthless sack of filth."Her icy, bloodthirsty glare reminded me of a blizzard over the seas. "You'd better swear that you would stay away from her from now on, before I ripped that filthy mouth off your face."
"I might be able to guesshow that would be done."
"Then guess this."
She didn't even give me time to blink.
All I felt next was a sharp, sudden pain on my jaw when her thick glove made contact with my face, instantly knocking my head sideways.
My innate fighting instincts immediately took over.
My first response merely grazed her chin. She noticed too late it was a feint though, because my second punch hit her ribcage with a force that sent her hat flying and expelled the last bit of choked air out of her lungs.
That kind of jab should already made any human doubling over in pain...but Graf Zeppelin is not a human.
She stood straight, gave a quick pat on her shoulder as if she was just experiencing a minor discomfort, and came back to me with her eyes bulging with rage in less than a second later.
That surprising change in tone costed me a stinging haymaker on the side of my head.
"Bastard...!" I jerked backwards, feeling fresh ripples of pain from my left temple.
Then some blood started trickling down from that spot.
...a fistfight between fleet girls is certainly not a good idea, I thought as Zeppelin readied her defensive stance, This flesh and skin was stronger than metals and made to withstand explosives. Physically damaging each other like this would only lead to mutual danger. But...
"You might want to inject yourself with painkillers after this," she cracked her knuckles, "I hope with that you have gained some insight into my mind."
...like I would ever give up to this jerk...
I took a lurching step forward, watching how her shifty little eyes followed my movements. On the third, I swung. I noticed too late that my blow was too sluggish, and with a smirk she ducked under it, responding with a nasty gutshot to my stomach. Between the blinding nausea and the taste of iron in my mouth, I swiftly kneed her head that was still underneath my arms. I felt that sickening crack of a broken nose before her body hit the ground with a loud thump.
I heard her curse furiously in German, blood flowing down to her mouth and shirt.
Alarms were blaring inside my head, telling me that I had to take this chance to end her once and for all, to finish her before she could stand back up.
I raised my fist to deliver a beating...but then I remembered Akagi.
When Graf Zeppelin saw my lowered hand and my slumped shoulders, she let out a hoarse laugh.
Then I realized that...she was probably letting me win in the first place.
"Well, well, you do have some self control after all. What would Akagi think if she saw this scene...? Or if I come back to her all beaten up and bloody...?"
"...she'll never forgive me."
No matter how much I had innovated new ways to torture her in my head, I couldn't bring myself to do any of it.
"That's absolutely not true."
"How so...?"
"Even if I accuse you of breaking my bones to pieces, the moment you protest your innocence, she would immediately side with you," she chuckled bitterly, "Aah, I will never win over you, will I...?"
"You've already won."
"Are you an idiot...?" she asked in disbelief, "All she ever talked about was you."
She wiped the blood off her lips and rested one elbow on her knee. "She is filled with so much of your venom, it's disgusting," she sighed, "And I can never hope to cleanse her. I feel so...insignificant. I have to live with that injustice."
The pain from Akagi's slap was still fresh in my mind. And everytime I remembered it, I hated myself with every fiber of my being.
"But even if I despise you so much for what you have done to her to the point that I want to kill you, it's just not a viable option for me."
"What stopped you then?"
"Because Akagi would hate me..." she stared emptily at the sky with an insincere smile, "And that is the last thing I want."
"Have you broken up with Akagi-san...?"
Of all people who could ask me that question directly, the first person who did it was none other than the annoying twin-tailed girl of the 5thCarDiv when we happened to be drinking at the same night inside Houshou's bar.
Both her sister and Houshou gave us a look of horror.
"Zu-Zuikaku! You don't just say something like that to someone's face!"
Zuikaku's ears were red. She was probably already a bit drunk. "It's a problem, Shoukaku-nee, so I have to address it! Since absolutely noone refuses to indicate anything about the matter! Look at her, sitting there all high and mighty, as if she was innocent of today's failed sortie! Listen up, 1stCarDiv, whatever it is that is bugging you and Akagi-san, your performance has been suffering because of it. You're ruining everyone's morale, so grow up and get over it."
"Don't speak like that. We don't know anything."
"Well, them never seen speaking or going everywhere together again is clear enough indictment for me. She used to be inseparable from Akagi-san, and now they showed every indication of a couple breaking up."
"Zuikaku!"
"Both of you..." I mumbled, "Shut. Up."
There was a pause as I gulped down another drink.
I really didn't feel like arguing with anyone right now.
If only these two were more inoffensive and less inquisitive, my mood would be infinitely better.
They were insensible of my well-being...that I had been drinking like mad and turned into a ghastly insomniac.
"Kaga...I think you should go back now," Houshou said, "If you drink more than this you won't be able to sortie tomorrow. Hangover and plane engine sounds don't go well together, you know?"
"Relax, Houshou-san. The 5thCarDiv girl is right. With my current track record, there is no way I would be sent on a sortie."
Zuikaku continued to babble about something incoherent, while Shoukaku gazed at me and said, "Kaga-san...you are hurting yourself."
"I don't need your sympathy."
"I never give you any. I just feel it's such a shame," she shook her head, "If you continue being pathetic like this, we 5thCarDiv would surpass you."
Back then, words like that were enough to light me on fire.
But nowadays I just felt...empty.
Complete indifference was the only emotion I could express after that night.
Even when I saw Akagi and Graf Zeppelin talking to each other, I couldn't react with anything. I was utterly insensible.
"Although I don't think you have given up yet," she went on, "From how hard you have been holding that small box since you came here."
I quickly hid it from her sight.
It was just something I bought on a whim when I remembered that today would be exactly one month after Valentine's Day.
I couldn't even think when I bought it...the lid ended up being inlaid with silver and her name was inscribed on it in golden letters.
But I was too much of a coward to give it to her.
I couldn't give it even until night time, so here I was, drinking miserably with the last people I expected to see.
I wanted to rip my poison-laden heart out of my chest and ask it.
What is it that you really want?
Even after obeying Houshou and heading back after several drinks, my body couldn't deny that I was taking a much stronger alcohol than I could usually handle.
I stumbled alone into the night, my hazy mind floating in the air. Ever since that day, it felt like life was pretty much pointless.
Akagi was avoiding me.
Graf Zeppelin was confusing me.
And my sorties were an absolute disaster.
Then there was this wrapped gift box with expensive chocolates inside that I had been carrying around the whole day.
What in the world am I doing...?
I had hurt the only person that ever mattered to me.
Wouldn't she be better off with someone who could treat her better, like Zeppelin...?
My legs wobbled and there were blank spaces in my head... before I looked up and realized that my feet had unconsciously brought me to stand in front of an inlaid wooden door.
What...? This is not my room...
The alcohol slowed so much of my thought process.
This is...
I could hear voices from inside of the room.
One was Light Carrier Ryuujou's disgruntled one, and the other...
"...I'm telling ya, this new standard procedure for escorting the injured back to the base is ridiculous. You should do something about it, Akagi."
"I thought you've already done that."
"Yeah, and they just told me that everything's been "inked in". Like what's that supposed to mean?"
Their voices were getting louder."But what can I do?"
"Well, they might appreciate your input since you're from the 1stCar-what the heck? !"
I was so drunk that I didn't see the door opening and hit my forehead so hard I fell to the floor.
"Ka...Kaga...? ?"
"Kaga-san...!"
The last thing I saw was Akagi's distraught face.
And I couldn't expect for anything more before my consciousness faded.
It's...dark...
I feel so...
Sick...
So...
So warm...
Warm...?
The faint sunlight from the window and the grayish ceiling of the dorm room greeted me when I opened my eyes.
Where am I...?
My hand felt...so much warmer than the rest of my body.
Why is that...?
Then I turned to see Akagi on my bedside, sleeping soundly on her arms while holding my hand.
She was still as bit as beautiful as she was back then.
This was the closest I had ever been to her in weeks.
Her long eyelashes, her dashing black hair, and her pink lips were all still as mesmerizing as ever.
And after what I did, here she was, holding my hand when I fainted.
Why did I have ruin her heart like that...?
I just want this gorgeous woman all to myself...even now.
I am selfish.
A piece of garbage like me is not worthy to stand beside Akagi.
I was not ready to face her.
My fingers unconsciously moved toward her head, putting a strand of hair behind her ear so I could see her face more clearly.
When I realized just how much I had messed up, my sight became blurry with tears.
I sniffed, quickly wiping them away before Akagi could see, but I guessed the rustling sounds I made actually woke her up.
"Kaga-san...?"
It was my turn to recoil away from her, so much that my back was pressed flat to the wall.
I didn't want to see her...hiding from me again like she did behind Zeppelin's back...
That was such a mind-crushingly painful memory.
What followed was an incredibly tense and awkward silence in which neither of us could breathe properly.
And when I was devising innovative and increasingly outrageous ways in my head to escape, Akagi finally spoke.
"That scar on your temple...it's new..."
"Eh...? Oh..." My hand flew to the unsightly serrated line, "This...was nothing..."
"It looks pretty big."
"I got it from someone."
I wished I could just settle the conversation at that, but Akagi was sharper than I thought.
"...was it Zeppelin-san?"
That succeeded in making my jaw drop.
"How..."
"She told me she had a fight with someone. I could pretty much put two and two together."
I was relieved that Akagi didn't seem to look at me in a bad light, which meant that Graf Zeppelin wasn't accusing me of anything in front of her.
However, the image of Akagi caring for Zeppelin's injuries that I caused...nearly burned me with jealousy once again.
And at the same time, I resented it.
I resented that jealousy.
"She thinks I'm filthy," I said in a hoarse voice, fighting my throbbing hangover, "And she is right, you know...?"
I was so nervous, my insides were like jelly.
It was so difficult to look directly into her eyes.
The eyes that I so lovingly adored just a month ago in Valentine's Day.
"I am sorry."
An apology that was too long overdue...and no more excuses came out from my shaky lips.
"What I did was unforgivable. I deserve to be caged."
The Navy was still out of touch of rules of sexual nature for us fleet girls.
Akagi could be gang-raped by several girls and they would still never be punished.
That was why I wished I could hurt myself and sink into the depths of the sea.
...And then she said the last thing I ever wanted to hear from her.
"...I am sorry too."
Those words opened the floodgates that had been prevented the overflowing inrush of tears from for so long.
Her figures were blurred in my eyes when I looked at her and she spoke again, "I didn't think of your feelings..."
"No," I exclaimed, "Please don't apologize."
"But... I didn't think of your feelings. You aren't exactly in good terms with Zeppelin-san, and yet I..."
"No. No. You must not make excuses for me. All I did, it is all my fault, not yours. I shouldn't have given in to that...horrible, insatiable..."
"Okay, okay, I understand. I understand that you..."
"If...only I could just...throw myself into the sea and..."
"Kaga-san..."
"...die the most painful death after doing such a despicable..."
"Kaga-san...!"
Before I realized it she had climbed up the bed and held my face between her hands.
My body reflexively ordered me to pull back, but her mesmerizing serious eyes stopped me.
"...Kaga-san...I don't want you to die..." she said quietly, "I need you to understand that what you did was wrong."
"It was beyond wrong...and our relationship..."
"Yes, but we could still fix it, we could change. This whole thing...we..."
She shakily released me and directed her sight to the ground, as if she just noticed how daring she was to touch me like that.
"We are fleet girls. We will survive any damage."
"That...doesn't change the fact that I was the cause of that damage!"
"Do you love me...?"
I couldn't bear that stare...the heat of a million suns that seared me from the inside.
I'm...
"...I'm never sure of anything else in my life..." I sobbed, "And I was so stupid...so loathsome...I wish I could go back in time and kill myself before I could do such a vile thing..."
"Damage heals," she told me abruptly, "We know that better than anyone."
"But this is unlike the damage that can be easily healed in the docks."
"I know, but we will manage it...!"
"Why are you so kind to me? ?"
I wanted her to hate me.
I wanted her to hate me so, so bad.
I wanted her to elope with Graf Zeppelin and leave me to die.
And I also knew that in normal circumstances, she would already be hugging me at this very moment.
The fact that she couldn't bring herself to do it anymore was more heartbreaking than anything.
"Can you still love me, Akagi-san...?"
The insertion of my fingers into her that night...her moans...her anger...everything was still fresh in my memory.
I wanted her to torture me if she could...so I tried to make her do it with words.
And Akagi...with a smile so bitter that I almost could see my venom dripping from the corner of her lips, let out the brittle words that never ceased to haunt me for days to come.
"How can I not...?"
"Kaga-san..."
"Kaga-san..."
Akagi's voice that passed through my dreams afterward...was very soothing and calming.
But that was not the only thing I vaguely remembered...
...my box being taken away from my grasp...
...being replaced by her hand...
...followed by the cracking sound of a chocolate shell being bitten...
"...thank you for the White Day gift..."
"...we can still try all over again."
"...let's get out of this together."