This is my first attempt at FanFic. I am a serious Castle fan. I love everything about the show and the characters, so I thought I would give it a go. This will be pretty fluffy. I don't enjoy too much angst, but it won't be all bunnies and sunshine either, life isn't that perfect.

This is set about a month or so post "Countdown" and will incorporate the Fundraiser that Castle is hosting in honor of Beckett's Mom. I figure this to be a long one, I tend to romanticize almost everything, so if it is too sappy for you, let me know. Again, this is my first time; I hope I don't screw it up too badly.

I guess a disclaimer is customary, but I don't do anything normally, so here goes...

I own my dog but these characters aren't anything like my dog except in that I love them both...

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Kate's face flashed to red instantly at the news Josh just gave her. He knew he was in for a tongue lashing if he didn't talk quickly.

"Look Kate, I'm a Doctor and my patient needs this surgery. I can't put it off any longer. I tried to schedule it as early as possible, but I do have to consider the surgical team, you know."

Kate opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off again, "I know I promised I would attend the Fundraiser with you tomorrow night but things come up, work gets in the way. You of all people should know that. Now I am done arguing about this. I will get to your little event if I can, but I don't see what the fuss is all about!" Josh's rant ended at a much higher decibel than when it began.

His callousness caused the words in Kate's head to die before they made it to her mouth. She was too emotional to speak. Instead she stomped across her living room right past Josh. After crossing the threshold of her bedroom, she slammed the door behind her. She hoped the overdramatic action would have the desired effect and he would leave. She flopped down on her bed and began to cry. She wasn't crying because of the words Josh had said. She wasn't crying because she knew she was about to end the relationship with him. She cried, just as she had done every day for the last month, because of the time she knew she was wasting.

Kate closed her eyes and thought back to just the month prior, she and Castle were sitting across from each other in the HAZMAT tent. Had she really just poured her heart out to Richard Castle? Had she really just told him that she was looking for someone that would be there for her and her for him? Then she flashed to their time in the freezer. Did she actually finish her sentence? For the life of her she couldn't remember. Even now, sitting on her bed, she shivered at the memory of the cold as it seeped into her bones, but her cheeks warmed at the memory of how good it felt to be wrapped in Castle's arms. She realized that it wasn't just the imminent threat of death that prompted her to confess her feelings to him; she just needed him to know. But she couldn't remember if she actually said it, or if she had, she wasn't sure if Castle was even conscious to hear it.

"Castle, I want you to know how much I lo..."

That's all she remembered. Did she finish the sentence? Then just ten hours later, together they faced almost certain death again. There was no time for words, just the mutual need to hold each other's hand and face eternity in each other's eyes. When Castle pulled the wires from that bomb, saving them and half of Manhattan in the process, she wanted to hold onto him forever. Later that day while recounting the events of the last forty-eight hours to the team, she could feel the emotion in Castle's voice when he told the group the he knew exactly how lucky he was. Bur it is what happened a few minutes later that has haunted her every day for the last month.

Josh!

How could she have even thought of trying to make things work with him? She knew he wasn't her one and done. She had known that since the beginning. Why else would she have one foot out the door? Sure, he was fun, handsome and successful. Of course his busy life allowed her to be independent, but deep down independence wasn't what she wanted anymore. Now she knew what she wanted. Someone to be there for her, someone to have fun with, but also someone to be able to share her sadness with. Someone that would enjoy the little moments in life just as much as the big ones. Someone whose loyalty and dedication to his family was unwavering. Yes, she knew what she wanted, who she wanted. But after all of her repeated rejections, did he want her? There was a time she was sure he did, but what about now? She saw the look in Castle's eyes when Josh walked into the precinct that night. It was the same look he had when she dated Demming last year. The same look he had when they teamed with Will to solve a kidnapping case two years earlier.

Wow, two years. She almost couldn't believe it had been that long. On one hand it seemed like just yesterday that he had come into her life. A whirlwind of childishness full of inappropriate humor and bucketfuls of sexual innuendo and drama. Kate chuckled out loud at the memory of herself calling him a nine-year-old on a sugar rush. Two years of him invading her personal space both physically and emotionally. But then again, she couldn't remember what life was like before Castle. She knew that now she laughed allot more and that he made her job a lot more fun. But he made differences in other ways, as well. As a self professed home body, Kate didn't let people in very easily. Those she did let in only saw what she allowed them to see. She spent eighty hours a week working; delving into the darkness of the Human Condition. The rest of the time she spent harboring the pain of the loss of her Mother. Somehow Castle even managed to breakthrough those walls, as no one else before him had. Now he was the only one that she trusted with the pain of that tragedy. Rick Castle, the man whose books helped her through the darkest time in her life was now the only man she wanted, needed by her side whenever a new lead broke in the decade old case. Actually, it was because of him that she was closer to solving the murder of Johanna Beckett than she had ever been after years of investigating it on her own.

Kate threw herself down onto her back. She'd stopped crying but there was still an ache in her chest. She knew what she needed to do. Knew she needed to find out once and for all if Rick Castle wanted her as much as she wanted him.

But first, to get rid of the obstacle currently sitting in her living room.

Kate stood up, took a deep breath, dried her eyes and took a moment to gather up a few things. She walked out of her bedroom and across the living room to where Josh was sitting watching TV. Clearly he hadn't taken the hint she gave earlier. Actually, she was glad he hadn't, she wanted to get this over with. She didn't like the idea of hurting him, but she had no choice.

Josh looked up as she approached and began to speak, "Kate, I'm sorry I..." His words trailed off as he caught a glimpse of the items in her arms. "What is this? Why do you have my things?"

"Josh, this isn't going to work. You're a sweet guy but you aren't the one for me. I am sorry that I wasted your time by not ending this sooner." Kate's voice was calm but held a great amount of conviction.

"You're dumping me because I can't make it to some stupid work party? Seriously!" Josh sounded both hurt and angry at the same time.

Kate's breath hitched in her chest for a moment. Not because Josh had called the fundraiser being hosted in her mother's honor stupid, but because she felt guilty; guilty that she'd wasted almost a year of his life. She realized now that he had no idea how important this night, how important her Mother's memory was to her, because she had never told him. This relationship was ending for many reasons, but most importantly because she'd never actually let it begin in the first place, and for that she was truly sorry. She took a deep breath and began to explain as best she could.

"Josh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I never gave you a chance. My heart belonged to someone else long before I met you. In a way I was using you to deny my own feelings. I truly apologize, but please, you need to take your stuff and go."

Josh's eyes flashed to anger in an instant. The hurt Kate had seen just a few minutes ago was nowhere to be found. Instead of leaving, Josh stood ready to fight. Kate had a feeling the fight was more for his ego than it was for her.

"You're dumping me for HIM!" Josh's voice dripped with disdain.

Kate tried to keep things civil but her voice came out an octave higher than she'd anticipated, "Look, this isn't about him. This is about me and I say we're over. Please leave!"

Josh grabbed his things from Kate's grasp and flew out the front door. She felt a sense of relief. Now she needed to figure out what she should say to Castle. How she would say it. It soon became evident that an early morning visit to the morgue would be in order.