Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to "Days of Our Lives."
-This idea came to me after reading Seth Grahame-Smith's novel Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I thought it would be fun trying in a DOOL setting.
Notice- Storylines/Couples might not be current- that's because this is a parody. This is made purely for amusement. I pray that you don't take any of it seriously.
Chapter One: Drool
Sami sat out on the terrace of her apartment building. She took a sip of coffee as she read the newspaper and sighed. Salem had very limited want-ads. After quitting her most recent job at Mad World due to lack of attendance- she had once again found her wallet a little too light for her liking. It was time to get practical; she couldn't rely on EJ to support all her kids. Heck, two of them weren't even his. And what if Rafe came back? What then? She might be in the mood for a hot, steamy hook up. But there was a problem- 2 out of the 6 trysts she'd had with ex-flames resulted in pregnancies. She threw the paper down in frustration. The odds were just too high.
"I really need to find a good paying job." She mumbled aloud.
-"Yes, you do." A voice spoke from behind her.
Sami whipped her platinum blonde head around. "Will, what are you doing up so early? It's Saturday."
Will shrugged and sat down next to her. "I just couldn't sleep. I was thinking about the lack of screen time I've had lately. I might as well not even be here…So I thought I should take Ally, Johnny, and Sydney on an all-expense paid vacation on a cruise line."
Sami smiled. "That would be a good idea. Having children in this plot line would only complicate things," Sami gestured for Will to follow her into the complex. Will complied.
She opened a drawer and pulled out EJ's checkbook. "How much do you think you need?"
"I have no idea how much things cost."
"Right," Sami nodded slowly. "Here," She ripped out twelve blank checks. "Just fill in whatever you need to."
Will nodded. "Gee, thanks Mom."
"Anytime son, and while you're at it, why don't you pick up Ciara, Theo, and any other child on the show? Take them with you…"
Will nodded. "Sure, can I take Chad as well? I might need a DiMera in name in case the check isn't cleared. Or if he's feeling particularly experimental. After all it is a cruise…"
"Why not?" Sami gave Will a hug. "I'll miss you son, be sure not to call or write."
"I won't!" Will waved as he left the room.
Sami smiled blissfully. It seemed she didn't have to find a job right away after all.
…
Hope woke up on the stairs of the peer. She looked around in confusion. How had she gotten here? What had happened?
Hope sat up slowly and rubbed her eyes. She looked to her right. There was a half empty bottle of Captain Morgan's and a pack of Lucky Strike cigarettes discarded next to her.
"What the eff?" She mumbled to herself and placed her hand on her forehead. She had quite the hangover. It was nothing like she'd ever felt. The only thing she was certain of what her hunger. Her stomach felt utterly empty, and it was growling in protest.
"Hey Babe!" A man walked up with a sack from McDonald's. He handed her a McGriddle.
Hope had no idea who this man was, but he did offer food. He couldn't be that bad.
"Thank you." She took the McGriddle and devoured it.
But the pure bliss of the food was a fleeting distraction. She quickly remembered the stranger next to her.
"So, who are you?"
"Its Dr. Baker baby, what's up with you this morning?"
Hope lowered her brow. "Baker? Are you supposed to be important to me?"
Baker sighed. "Uh oh. Did you go and switch personalities again? You'd think you would remember last night."
She shot Baker an angered look. "Look, I don't know who you are but you can't talk to me that way. I'm a cop."
"Really? Then why aren't you ever at work?"
"Why you…" Hope raised her arm to give Baker a big, melodramatic slap when she noticed a nauseating injury on her wrist. Blood and puss was oozing out of it profusely. It looked almost like a bite mark.
"Eww!" Baker pursed his lips in repugnance. In all his years of being a seedy doctor, he'd never seen something so disgusting. "What is that? Is that from that hobo last night?"
"What hobo? There are no hobos in Salem. If there we're, we'd euthanize them."
Baker shook off her oppressive, totalitarian comment and continued. "No, we had just whacked that cop on the head with a vase when that hobo came up and bit you on the arm. I'd patched it up last night, I thought it healed." Baker looked down to the wound strangely. "Weird."
He looked back up to Hope. His eyes widened in horror.
"Babe?" He spoke, his voice shaking in fright.
Hope's eyes had glazed over. They were now a brownish red. Blood was trickling from her mouth. She had a sinister smile painted on her crimson lips.
"Aw hell," Baker jumped up and began to run. But his efforts were in vain. Hope leaped up from the stairs like a cheetah. Her legs hurled her body forward as she tackled him. She snarled as blood and viscera fell violently from her mouth. It poured down atop Baker's face.
Baker tried to stifle his gag reflex. But none of that mattered. Hope angled her head and tore into his shoulder. Baker screamed with horror as his oily, grimy flesh was torn apart by her teeth. He then, proceeded to be eaten alive by Hope Brady.
…
Caroline was cooking in the kitchen of the Brady pub. She was humming along to "Naggin" by the Ying Yang twins when she got the suspicious feeling that someone was watching her. She looked down to the fryer and held the metal spatula down on it, making sure it was piping hot. She quickly whipped it around and pointed it towards the figure. Caroline jumped and grabbed her chest.
"Victor, you scared me. Don't ever sneak up on a woman at the fryer."
Victor smiled. "I'm sorry, Caroline. I didn't mean to startle you."
"That's okay." She smiled a friendly, matronly smile. "What can I do for you today?"
"I actually stopped by looking for Hope. She hasn't been around the mansion for the past two days. Ciara kept crying and asking me to feed her. I didn't know what to do."
Caroline tilted her head. "How strange. Well, I guess I can cook something for her."
"No need, she went off on some cruise with Will, Sami's son."
"Oh, well that's nice she isn't bothering you anymore."
"I just thought you should know."
"Really Victor? Because I think you just wanted an excuse to say hi." Caroline flirted.
Victor rolled his eyes. "Oh Caroline, you see right through me."
"Oh Victor, if that were true I could see into the front and all the customers."
Victor rolled his eyes. Caroline wasn't the flirt she used to be.
"Well I best get going. You take it easy, Caroline!"
"I will, Victor." She waved as he left the kitchen. Caroline went back to frying her burgers and humming "Naggin."
Victor walked to the bar and ordered a Cosmopolitan. It took him several minutes to realize that his son's jailbait ex-wife was sitting in the booth directly behind him. He gave Melanie a small wave. But she was busy playing with her Tamogotchi to notice. To his left he saw his Godson Daniel. Daniel was with his histrionic bride-to-be Chloe. The pair were enjoying a banana split. He gave them an appropriate nod.
Daniel waved to Lexi, who was playing Texas Hold em' with Kayla at the next table.
Abe had just polished off two orders of steak fingers, chili cheese fries, and the Brady Pub's version of the "bloomin onion." He informed Lexi of this and ran straight to the bathroom.
Lexi shrugged and went back to concentrating on her game. She had the hand to win, but the blind was already up to fifteen hundred. And Kayla really needed to pay off her bookie debts. Knowing this, Lexi politely folded.
…
Sami walked up to the pub pushing her stroller along. She stared at it perplexedly when she suddenly realized all her kids were gone and it was empty.
EJ was close behind her. He'd been following her every move all day with his camera, unbeknownst to Sami. His eyes lit up in false surprise when he saw her.
"Why Samanther, what are you doing here alone? Where are your kids… err, our kids?"
"Will took them on a cruise." She explained as EJ opened the door for her.
"Oh!" EJ blinked several, several times. "So, do you have plans for this weekend?"
Sami shrugged. "Nope. Just sitting back and relaxing. Suckling off a man that I profess to hate's wealth."
"May I… join you?"
Sami looked to him confusedly. "What are you saying?"
"Samanther, you know I've loved you ever since the day that I met you and lied about who I was."
"I know. And I've been back and forth about my feelings since that very same day."
EJ nodded. "I know."
Sami slapped him across his left cheek. "You bastard!"
EJ shot her a wanton glare.
Sami shrugged. "Want to get a cup of coffee?"
"Sure," he smiled. What a woman.
Just then, Nicole burst through the door. Her face was pale white. She secured the lock to the pub and fell down to her knees.
"Good God." Chloe gasped. "Nicole, you look awful. Where's your makeup?"
Nicole slowly caught her breath. "I put some on earlier; it just didn't stay on after I physically exerted myself."
"That's why I always wear waterproof." Chloe shook her head in disapproval. "You mean you exercised?"
"No, I mean running for my life. Have you ever tried running in platform heels?" She looked to Chloe, but she was really talking to Daniel. She was just curious of what he'd look like in drag.
EJ, just realizing Nicole was there rolled his eyes. "Nicole, what are you blabbering about?"
"Just trying to turn the focus to herself, as usual." Sami screamed.
"Damn it, Nicole!" Victor added to the jeering.
"Shut up! You people never listen! I'm only trying to save your lives."
"Wait!" Daniel lifted his arms and stood up. "I think we should all listen to what Nicole has to say." He gave Nicole a non-flirtatious wink- which she wildly misinterpreted. "What is it, Nic?"
"Well, I was down by the pier, doing some very super important reporter's work, when I saw it."
"Saw what?" Melanie asked politely. Being she was the only one listening.
"A dead body." Nicole crooned.
After that statement, she had everyone's full attention.
"Did I hear 'dead body'?" Caroline ran out of the kitchen. She threw her dish towel over her shoulder.
"Well, what's left of a dead body anyway…"
"Don't keep us in suspense, who was it?" Sami asked.
"That's the thing. I couldn't tell. The body was so mangled. It looked like it had been, been, oh never mind."
"Been what?" Kayla raised her eyes from behind her playing cards. "Don't be a pansy, just say it!"
"It looked like it had been eaten, partially; Mostly the face and upper torso." Nicole moved her finger around her body to show what she was talking about. "See the skin from its cheek was hanging off partially, flapping like an eyelid."
Abe, who had just emerged from the bathroom, ran right back in.
"So, you're trying to tell us that someone is out there killing and eating people?" Lexi placed a finger on her lips, trying to distract Kayla from the card game.
"Oh not just someone… someone in particular, someone we all know."
Sami threw her coffee cup at Nicole. "Come on. Just spit it out!"
"It's Hope Brady!" Nicole shouted nervously.
Everyone in the pub simultaneously burst into laughter.
"Hope?" Lexi laughed. "Like Hope would ever hurt anyone!"
"Well, I don't think she was quite herself."
"Wait!" Caroline shushed everyone in the bar. "You mean, she's Princess Gina?"
Everyone stared at Nicole for an answer.
"No, I kind of mean Princess Zombie."
"Zombie?" EJ pursed his sexy lips incredulously. "You think Hope Brady is a zombie?"
"Something of the sort, Like I said, I went down to the pier, you know, doing reporter stuff... That's when I heard a sound to my left. I went to investigate, and I saw Hope leaning over a body. She was eating its arm."
"Are you sure? She might have just been hooking up with some stranger she'd never met by the pier. I know I've been there..." Victor started.
Abe, who had just emerged from the bathroom, ran right back in.
"No, she was eating him."
"How do you know for sure, Nicole?" Sami got up to challenge her. "How do we know you're not making this up?"
"Look, Sami- if you don't believe me feel free to go down to the pier and check for yourself. In fact, you all should go. I'm sick of people thinking I'm some kind of dishonest person."
"Right." EJ stood up gallantly. "Samanther and I will go to the pier. We'll find out what's going on. Which I'm sure is nothing." He gave Nicole an incredulous look, again.
Nicole shrugged. "Fine but be careful. A zombie's hunger never goes away. If she sees you, she'll eat you. That's all I'm saying."
"Well more of us should go." Daniel started. "Just in case, Chloe and I will go with you. Kayla, will you come?"
Kayla shrugged. "Naw, I've got places to be."
Daniel nodded. "Fair enough, any other takers?"
Melanie shrugged. "Well, you're going without me, Dad and that's making me feel abandoned. So I'll go with you. Also in case anyone wants to hook up with me and regret it forever…?"
EJ shrugged at her proposal. Samanther might do something to betray his trust. It never hurts to have a plan b.
Melanie smiled. "Okay then."
"Aren't you coming, Nicole?" Sami raised her brow with ferocious fabulosity.
"I think I'll stay here. I'd rather not get eaten alive."
"Suit yourself." Sami shrugged and pushed her empty stroller out the door behind the rest.
...
The pier looked deserted. The imaginary tide that looks suspiciously like the imaginary tide in Passions was coming in a little heavier than usual. The sky was gray and ominous.
The group huddled together nervously, looking around for the alleged Hope zombie.
"Wait a second, I thought zombies were made up or something?" Melanie furrowed her brow in confusion.
"They are, Melanie." Chloe answered condescendingly.
"Then why are we huddled up so close together?"
"Just in case what Nicole saw was… a rabid animal or something." Chloe affirmed.
"Nicole didn't see anything. I don't even know why we're here. This is ridiculous." Sami led the front of the group. She wanted to believe her own words. But her gut was telling her something was up.
Several barrels fell behind them. The whole group jumped and turned around.
"Jeepers!" Chloe yelped and grabbed onto EJ. She looked at him strangely. "Sorry, wrong arm." She quickly switched to Daniel.
"Who's there?" EJ called out. "Show yourself now!" He looked to Sami to see if she was impressed. Sami shrugged.
A dark figure emerged from the shadows. It was tall, slim, and hopelessly clueless.
"Brady!" Sami placed her hand on her chest. "What the hell are you doing out here?"
Brady shrugged as he placed his hands in his pockets. "I heard none of you believed Nicole's story. I came here to make sure you did."
"Wait, how did you know about it?" EJ inquired.
"Nicole called me. I came to look for Zombie Hope."
Everyone was silent.
"Well," Chloe started. "Did you find it?"
Brady shook his head. "Sadly no, all I found was this mangled carcass." He pointed his thumb behind him.
Everyone ran over to where Brady pointed. Melanie got nauseous and threw up on Chloe's jacket. Chloe seethed.
"Oh God, poor dog." Melanie cried.
"How do you propose to make it in the medical field? I swear someone dropped you as a child." Chloe threw off her jacket in anger as she looked to Daniel.
He held his arms up. "Don't look at me, I wasn't there for her childhood! But Chloe's right, Melanie, that's a human carcass."
"Oh." Melanie and Brady spoke simultaneously. Brady had thought it was a narwhal.
Chloe realized it was now appropriate for her to scream. "Oh my God! Who is it?!"
Sami rolled her eyes. "Hello! Mangled corpse. Kind of hard to do a positive ID. No one here's a cop."
"Hope is!" Brady pointed and waved. "Hi, Hope!"
Everyone whipped around. Hope was standing on the opposite side of the pier. Her head was slightly slanted towards the crowd.
Sami squinted and began to walk forward. "Aunt Hope?"
"Samanther!" EJ yelled dramatically and dove in front of her.
For your ear's pleasure-
watch?v=l8uBc18jOU8