A/N: Drabble which I wrote when I was feeling pretty angsty, I guess.
TW: Suicide.
Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to these characters or this show.
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The first time Dean goes to Sam's house, he can't do it. He breaks down before he's even reached the garden gate, and that's when he knows he isn't ready to do this yet. Castiel takes him back home, pours him a glass of water, and leaves him to cry it out.
The second time Dean goes to Sam's house, he makes it to the front door. It's not the smell of the flowers that does it, it's when Dean somehow forgets, and knocks. It's when no one answers that he remembers. He can't stop himself thinking about Sam's childish smile, the smell of his jacket, the constant support he offered just by being there. The little brother he couldn't protect.
It's almost 3am the third time Dean goes to Sam's house. He makes it into the bedroom, and then wishes he hadn't. It's been over three months since Sam decided to end his life, and Dean thinks he's just starting to get it together, but then he sees it, the note on the bedside table, propped up against a photo of the two of them and bearing the name 'Dean.' He fights against his own body, forcing himself out of the house and back into his car. He speeds home, racing through every red light he comes across. The rain smashing down into the windshield isn't loud enough to break the sound of his screams.
He makes it back in one piece, and Castiel is waiting for him with a blanket and a shoulder to cry on.
The fourth time Dean goes to Sam's house, he picks up the note and stares at it until his eyes go dry. He can't bring himself to stay in the bedroom any longer, so he takes it downstairs and into the kitchen. There is still orange juice and salad dressing in the fridge. The clock on the oven says August 25th, proving that time has actually progressed. The calendar – every day scribbled on up until the 7th of April – suggests otherwise. He leaves the note in the kitchen, opens the blinds in the living room, and drives back home.
It's October the 7th when Dean finally decides to read the note, six months after Sam's death. He knows that the letter is going to kill him, not matter what it says, but he figures that he can't possible feel more dead than he already does, so he opens it in the kitchen and reads:
'Dean,
Don't bring me back.
Jess says hi, and we'll see you soon. Just not yet, okay?
And please, let yourself be happy.
Sammy.'
Dean doesn't even cry. He feels his throat tighten and his stomach ache, but no tears fall. He gets up, leaves the note on the table, and locks the door on his way out. For the first time in a long time, he notices the sun is shining.
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