"Have fun singing with no lyrics" the little blonde girl spat, crumpling my butterfly song and making an attempt to rip it apart with her teeth. No exactly happy with the violations of my well known rule, I reminded her that there was no eating in the classroom; taking the song back. Then the tantrum started. Tilly started jumping and screaming at a very high pitch. So high and loud, my hands automatically went to my ears. Still her screams pounded their way through my oh so protective shield. It actually hurt. The screaming echoed in my head, banging against the walls of my skull. It was soo painful; I squeezed my ears tighter, shutting my eyes with just as much tightness. My body automatically hunched over from that pain, hoping that it'll drive it away.
None of the other kids were reacting that way. All they could do is make fun of Tilly's tantrum and my strange behavior. At that moment I didn't care, but when you're fifteen and looking back at that day in kindergarten, you'd rather not talk about it ever again. I only covered it up by saying it was a special day for me. Well, that's not exactly a lie. I discovered my songwriting talent that day. It shaped who I was today. But I will never forget the humiliation that came with that reaction. No matter what.
Over those ten years, that feeling replayed in my head like a tape recorder, and I just wanna form that protective shell once again. Of course I do so, when it's in private. I'd sit in my bed and think about it, then just do what I did back then. When around other people, all I could do to avoid embarrassment was try to contain the pain and frustration, taping my fingers against my leg like crazy. No one would notice that compared to having hair for lunch, thus making it one great way to release any anxiety.
"Hey Ally" greeted a certain voice. I jumped in shock at the intrusion of my private thoughts. "Austin! Don't scare me like that!" I squeaked, trying to calm the heart attack. Would you blame me though? I was soo deep in thought; I forgot I was even working at my dad's store. I forgot that I was staring at the drum kits across the room. I forgot that my shoulder rested on the counter. I just forgot everything. All there was were those thoughts. Then his voice came in unexpectedly, causing quite a shock to return to reality.
"Sorry" he apologized, putting his hands up in defense. Taking some deep breaths to calm down, I accepted the apology. "So what's up?" I asked. "You called me over so we can work on that new song, remember?" he reminded like it should've been obvious. I then did my signature "whaaaaat?" "Of course I remembered. I was just testing you, to see if you remembered" I said awkwardly. He gave me that look that clearly meant that I was weird. "You pass" I added. He just shrugged his shoulders and excused my behavior. "So yeah, let's get to work" I announced, abandoning the desk.
After quite some time, the song had been finished. "Another great song Alls. Up top!" he held his hand up in the air. Up top, does that mean he wants me to climb to the top of something? I don't know, I'm sure it had something to do with being up high. Wait a minute, he is holding his hand up high, like a high five. Is that it? "Don't leave me hanging" he reminded me. I did space out trying to figure out those social ques. Still not sure what situation I was in, I smacked my hand against his with a hint of awkwardness. It actually hurt a little. While Austin lowered his hand, I clutched that hand. "C'mon, you didn't smack my hand that hard. I'm surprised it wasn't a tap" he commented on the look on my face that clearly showed my pain. Realizing my behavior, I simply told him that I was fine and forced myself to resume my normal activity; ignoring the faint pain in my hand.
"Guess who got a job at Build a Bear Workshop" Trish greeted in sing song. She had on a blue t-shirt and brown pants. I'm guessing that's the uniform. Her shirt was decorated in badges and what not. Trish had her dark curly hair up in a ponytail and sparkly blue headband. Dez then came in being, well, Dez.
We exchanged greetings, though I was going through some emotional trauma myself. You know how Dez always dresses like a clown? Usually the wild colors and patterns were on his pants. This time they reached his t-shirt, only wilder. I honestly don't know what he was thinking with his clothing choice. Usually when its with his pants, Its easier for me not to look down on them when I have a conversation to make. But with his shirt, its right where I can see them. It used just about every color of the rainbow, and there were soo many shapes and patterns organized on the cloth, it actually made me dizzy to just look at it. It was very overwhelming to look at.
"ALLY!" a rather loud scream filled my ears. Trish did love to shout. I rubbed my ears in pain from the scream. I wanted to hunch over like I did in kindergarten. Of course I didn't though. "We're waiting" Austin pressured. The three leaned in expectantly. What did they want? My hand automatically grabbed my hair, and before I knew it I began chewing. Other than that one stimming action, I was frozen. My words trapped in my throat. My muscles stiff with anxiety and eyes widened in horror. My head still spinning from Dez's shirt and ears ringing from Trish's scream, my chewing speed increased. "I should go" I excused myself through my hair. I forced those stiff muscles to get me out of this place.
My feet carried me over to the mall fountain. The chewing speed decreased. I looked and listened to the rhythmic splashing of the fountain. It always found a way to calm me. I breathed in the mist, finally releasing those locks of hair. The confusion and anxiety just evaporated away. Every breath calmed my nerves one by one. The gentle splats of the water told my ears to relax, because I knew what the following sound would be. The waves churned gently, and the coins littered the floor like polka dots. It was much simpler and calming compared to Dez's shirt. Uggh, just thinking about it is overwhelming. I put my attention back to the fountain.
This was what I liked about being alone. I could do whatever I wanted to. Being surrounded by those noisy people, just that has a way of setting some unclear rules. Thus driving me a little insane. I liked being by myself like this. I make my own rules that are as crystal clear as the water. No one to disturb the peace.
A shadow loomed by mine. "Allygater," my dad greeted. If the shadow didn't give me that warning, I probably would've freaked out. "Yeah dad?" I responded. "I just got your report card back. Since when did you start reading college level books?" he showed me the papers. I gave him an annoyed look. "Since the 6th grade" I reminded. "I know, but I still can't help but be proud that my little baby is reading so many grade levels ahead of the other students. You should be so proud" he told me. I rolled my eyes. I've heard those words soo many times, it gets annoying. Plus I'm not really that proud of my intelligence anyways. It just simply gives you high expectations that you don't really wanna live up too. And its kinda of a pain watching the other kids learn at much lower levels.
My watched then beeped out of nowhere. After a little squeak of surprise, I announced that I had to get to cloud watching club. I immediately left my dad and the fountain, rushing over to our meeting place. No matter what my friends said, I loved cloud watching. I got to use my imagination to creatively assign shapes to each cloud. It was something quite simple I can focus on, just like the fountain. Usually I preferred doing it alone, but then one day Dad said I needed to be around people more and signed me up. Sure I still prefer being alone, but being with the club is still fun. I don't have to socialize with these people, just look at the clouds. Perfectly simple.
Nothing new happened with Cloud Watching club. And I liked it like that. I went home to watch the store. It was actually rather boring. There were basically zero customers around dinner time. I had already had a subway sandwich on my way back. Thankfully I finished my dinner before entering the store, or id be tempted to break my own rule and maybe end up on a gossip blog. Me eating in the store would kind of be a big deal. I don't know what the others were up to, but I'm betting that Trish got a new job at a restaurant of some sort. As for what Austin and Dez are doing, your guess is as good as mine. Bored out of my mind, I got out my book and started writing about my day.
Dear Diary,
Today was boring and interesting at the same time. Eventfully, nothing changed. However, the everyday strangeness I'd always write about found its way into my life once again. From spacing out in thoughts of "that" memory, to feeling a little overwhelmed at the sight of Dez's clown shirt. Of course there were some highlights of my day. Austin and I finished a new song, Dad's proud of my educational status as usual, and Cloud Watching Club went great. Of course, I do wonder if there is something wrong with me. As explained over a thousand times in this book, my senses seemed quite enhanced in comparison to everyone else. I mean, I was in pain just at a gentle high five with Austin. Anything busy always made me overwhelmed, like that shirt I mentioned earlier. There were soo many colors, shapes and patterns to look at, is normal to feel dizzy like that? I always seem to lose myself in something that I focus on; any interruption doesn't get a happy reaction. Not to mention that I can't seem to interact like the rest of my friends. I think they were taught how to socialize when they were little, and my Dad simply didn't give me such instructions. All in all, one question remains: am I normal?