Title: Broken

Author: Cassandra Mulder

Feedback: Here or at danaunderscoremulder32atyahoodotcom. It is lovely and appreciated.

Rating: PG-13

Classification: Lost; angst; Jack/Kate

Spoilers: "House of the Rising Sun", "The Moth"

Disclaimer: "Lost" is the property of JJ Abrams, Bad Robot, and ABC. "Broken" is performed by Seether and Amy Lee (who is awesome!), and also does not belong to me. No infringement is intended.

Written: November 2 - 10, 2004

Distribution: My archive, Bound, Save Me, and Anyone else, please ask.

Summary: There was attraction. Electricity. Instantaneous and inexplicable, but ultimately there. Neither of them could convincingly deny it, because everyone else saw it. Jack/Kate

A/N: Jack and Kate won't leave me alone with the angst! So, however pointless, here's an angsty little ditty that nearly drove me crazy to finish.

'Cause I'm broken
When I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right
When you're gone away...
-Broken - Seether f. Amy Lee
Kate had thought they were on the same page. Only now, Jack had moved onto survival, while she was still waiting for a rescue that might never happen.

She knew how far off course they'd been. She knew if there was any possible tracking device left intact, someone would have found them by now. She knew that the possibility of the transceiver ever being properly fixed was remote, and they hadn't seen a boat or a plane since they'd crashed.

Kate knew all of this; knew that they had to do what they could to survive now. It was the only way. It just wasn't like her to give up hope. But whether she continued to sit there on the beach, or follow Jack into the jungle, it didn't really matter. Her fate would be the same, sooner or later.

When she finally tired of looking at the fire, she laid back on her blanket, almost desperate for sleep. Anything to keep her from thinking what she was thinking. She'd had no idea that anyone could mean as much to her in as short a time as Jack. It seemed impossible, but it was happening, and it seemed like there was nothing she could do about it. She wasn't even sure what it was she felt, but she tried to tell herself it was all necessity. She needed someone to lean on and so did he, that was all it was.

But really, it wasn't.

There was attraction. Electricity. Instantaneous and inexplicable, but ultimately there. Neither of them could convincingly deny it, because everyone else saw it. The teasing and the little jabs were always there, whether declared loudly or muttered under someone's breath. She didn't want to want him. She didn't want to need him.

Those things would eventually lead to something much more serious, and she didn't want that. Not now, and certainly not in this place. Kate had been to hell and back before she'd ever met Jack, and she'd be damned if she'd start depending on someone else now.

It's too late, a little voice in the back of her mind whispered. It was too late, and needing him had become as natural as breathing.

She let her head fall sideways, so that she was looking into the jungle. He was in there somewhere, hurt, still not really understanding why she wouldn't come with him.

She didn't want to be his Eve.

But she also knew she didn't want to be without him.

The cave-in had made her realize that more than ever. When Sawyer had finally told her about Jack being trapped, her adrenaline had shot so high that once she'd started to run, she wondered if she'd ever be able to stop. Technically, even once she'd reached the caves, she hadn't stopped running. Never in her life had she focused on one task with such intensity as she had when she was trying to dig her way to Jack.

She knew she was just making a fool of herself in front of the others. They all saw the feeling, the desperation that motivated each seemingly futile scrape of the earth beneath her hands. It was that same desperation that pushed everything else out of her mind. Why should she care if they knew? The only thing that mattered was Jack staying alive, and if she had to move every rock, every single ounce of dirt herself, she would do it.

The relief she had felt when Charlie and Jack had walked in was unlike anything she'd ever experienced. Throwing herself into Jack's arms came without a second thought, even as the others celebrated their escape around them.

Kate curled onto her side on her blanket in the sand, and tried not to think anymore. The others had all fallen asleep by now, and it was just her and the constant roar of the ocean. She would never have thought that sound could get so monotonous.

Minutes passed that felt like hours, and she turned over again, wanting sleep to take her as it had the others. She already knew that wouldn't happen. Not while he was in her head, making her feel this way.

She glanced again toward the jungle, and wondered if she dare venture into it again at night. It was dangerous enough during the day, but...

But what? she asked herself. Part of her wanted to be there with him, and frankly, she didn't know what was stopping her. Being on this godforsaken island wasn't exactly any way to live, but what kind of life would she have when she got off the island?

If a rescue boat ever showed up, she'd probably be arrested on sight. Someone knew the plane was missing by now, and someone knew who was on it. They would come prepared just in case there were any survivors. Chances were she'd be locked up, and this place would look like a happy alternative.

That was the scenario she most wished for and feared at the same time. If she couldn't clear her name, she'd never have any kind of life. If she was trapped here, she'd never have the chance to try to prove her innocence. Right now she wasn't sure which was worse.

Kate stood up and slowly wandered to the edge of the jungle. If she took her backpack... She turned around. It was far too dangerous to navigate at night. Her main concern was getting completely lost, as opposed to any strange creatures she might come upon. Seeing Jack would have to wait until morning. What she really needed to focus on tonight was sleep.

As she turned to walk back to her palette near one of the many fires burning along the beach, she heard a rustling sound coming from far closer than she was comfortable with. Startled, she stood still for a moment, listening, before whipping around and coming face to face with the object of her thoughts.

"God, Jack!" she stage whispered so she didn't wake anyone up. "What are you doing here? You nearly scared me to death."

"I'm sorry," Jack said quietly, his head hanging sheepishly. He didn't know what the hell he was doing here anyway. He must've finally cracked completely. Coming to seek Kate out in the dead of night wasn't exactly the brightest idea he'd ever had.

"You haven't answered me," Kate said.

"Huh?" He was more than a little confused now that he'd laid eyes on her. She had a tendency to do that to him.

"I asked you what you were doing here."

"I couldn't sleep," he answered lamely.

"So you decided a hike through the jungle would help?"

"If I didn't get eaten by something first..." he said, rubbing the back of his neck with his good hand.

She nodded, one corner of her mouth lifting slightly, bemused, but at what she didn't really know. She glanced at the night sky, looking for answers and finding none. They were really a couple of hopeless cases.

"I didn't mean to wind up here," he tried to explain. "It just sort of... happened."

Just like she'd been about to "happen" upon him. She nodded again, then shook her head slightly, looking down at the sand beneath her feet.

"It didn't look like you were sleeping either," Jack pointed out.

"Obviously not," she said, finally looking up.

This was crazy. Jack had just been through a major ordeal, neither of them ever got enough sleep anyway, and here they were talking about how they weren't sleeping.

"I'm, uh... I'm just gonna go now," Jack said, turning to head back into the jungle.

"Wait," Kate said, coming up behind him. "I'll walk with you part of the way."

He shook his head. "It's too dangerous..."

"I made it back here by myself, in the dark, just a couple of hours ago," she pointed out.

He gave in. "Okay... If you want to."

"I do."

Silently, they headed for the trees, both wondering what they really wanted to happen. If it was time to let go of thinking their connection was crazy, and just accept that everything was crazy as far as this island was concerned.

Several hundred yards in, Jack turned on the small flashlight he'd brought with him so they could navigate a little better. Once they were through some of the densest underbrush, he turned it off, conserving the batteries.

"You're especially chatty tonight," he said when he couldn't stand the silence, filled only by their breathing, any longer.

"I don't know if that's because I don't have anything to say or I wouldn't know where to start," she said honestly.

Jack stopped, putting a hand on her upper arm, and turning her toward him. The full moon was the only illumination, and it lit up Kate's skin, making her seem almost translucent. Her eyes sparkled, an indiscernible color in the dim light. She was possibly one of the most beautiful creatures he'd ever seen. Her appearance didn't belie at all the life she must've lived to end up in the custody of a federal marshal, if she had really been guilty of anything.

He had a difficult time believing that Kate could be a bad person. She had proven enough times already that she had a good heart, and she cared about the others on the island. Nothing made sense or added up anymore.

His hand slipped up over her shoulder to the side of her neck, cradling the base of her head in his palm. She leaned slightly back into his touch, looking up at him with her enigmatic eyes.

He had no idea where he was going to go from there, but his problem was solved when Kate made the first move.

She lunged forward, almost on her tiptoes, almost knocking him off balance. She grabbed his waist, steadying them both as her lips crashed onto his. He responded immediately, having guiltily wondered exactly what this would be like in the rare spare moments he'd had to think about something besides survival or further disaster.

Kate's body was completely on fire. She had no clue what had gotten into her, but the last thing she wanted to do was stop and think about it now. Her hands were clutching Jack's waist, her palms full of his shirt, her fingers somehow wound in his beltloops. She tugged him closer, while trying to remember his arm that was in a sling, and she felt his hand come away from the back of her head and trail down to the small of her back.

He pressed her closer, and she gave a little gasp inbetween kisses as her hips ground into his. This was way too much, way too fast, and suddenly she was torn between pushing him further or running away. She was drowning in him as she pulled away to gasp for air, and he did the same. But instead of running away, which she thought would've been the most logical choice at the present time, she disentangled her right hand from his shirt and pulled his head down for another kiss.

The close cut hair on the back of his head was softer underneath her fingertips than she had imagined it would be. He tasted of salt, and sand, and suddenly she couldn't get enough of him. She stumbled backward and ended up against a tree, so she braced her back against it, and wrapped both of her arms around Jack.

She knew she had an unfair advantage as he fumbled around with his injured arm, but he had deepened the kiss, and suddenly she didn't care. She hadn't felt like this in far too long. She hadn't felt exactly like this ever.

Jack pulled away and started trailing kisses down her neck, to her collarbone, and back again. At this point she was trembling, practically pinned between his body and the tree, and her lungs were struggling to remember the need for air. Her body was screaming for more, while her brain was screaming for her to stop. This wasn't the ideal place to go any further, and there might never be an ideal place. Either way, no matter what decision she made, she had no idea how she'd ever face Jack again. She knew she would hurt him, if not tonight, then at some undetermined point in the future. She couldn't stand the thought, much less the act, but she had to do something now.

Kate clutched the front of Jack's shirt with one hand, and cradled his cheek in the other, guiding him back to her lips. She kissed him desperately, like it might be the last time, because that might very well be the case. Tears streamed down her face as she finally pulled away, and she could see his questioning face in the dim light filtering through leaves in the trees.

"I can't," she whispered, willing him to understand, though she knew he never would.

"But -"

She put a shaking hand to his lips. "Jack, I just can't," she repeated, her voice breaking on his name.

Kate dislodged herself from the space between him and the tree, and started walking back to the beach. It would never work out for them, there was no future, and she couldn't risk her heart like that. Or his. He didn't realize how broken she really was.

Finis