I'm staring out the window with my nose smudged against the glass. I can't stop the tears from coming out. There's nothing I can do to better the situation. It's like Math, - one of the many reasons why I love it so much, - either it's right or it's wrong. There's no shennanigans in between. No gloating and guessing, it is what it is. Just like this situation, there's nothing I can do about it. It is the way it is.

But I can't help feeling the way I do. Mainly because there's nothing I can do to prevent it. I don't want any of my friends to know about this, I just want to keep it to myself, like I do with everything.

I'm watching my mom walk down the sidewalk with her bags towards a yellow cab pulled up beside our mailbox. Her stern hips sway from side to side. I don't know if Dad is watching her like I am. I don't know if he even cares.

I never got along real well with my mother anyway. It was like no matter how hard I tried she was never satisfied with the outcome. If I got an A she wouldn't congratulate me at all, she would simply throw the report card at my face and tell me to do better next time. Any time I was happy or doing something fun she would call me inside and make me study, even if my homework was finished hours ago.

I don't care what it is anymore. I'll never be as smart as Neutron and I don't give a damn. I'm smart enough the way it is, I don't have to be a freaking genius. I was so caught up on being what my mother wanted me to be that I hadn't even noticed my feelings for him until later. Much, much later.

So why are there tears streaming down my cheeks? And my hands are pressed firmly against the glass, like I'm trying to push the window out and jump to her.

Because she's my mother, that's why. Even if she's a total bitch and in order to get her requited love is to be the most perfect person in the world, she's still my mother.

I still have the shape of her face and the color of her eyes. And when I was born my hair was black like hers, but then it turned blond somewhere in between.

I watch the taxi man toss her things in the trunk as she climbs in the back seat. She doesn't even turn around and look back at the house. Not back at me, or my brother or anything she left behind. She's looking straight forward, on something new. A new husband, a new life, a new daughter to fuck up.

I blink and the cab was gone.

In fact, the cab had been gone for a few days now. But it feels like this memory keeps repeating itself everytime I look out this damned window. I get the same thing. The same gray sky and dead grass. The same green lights flashing from Jimmy's blinded window. The same cab driver.

I've got to get myself out of this memory. I can't let it keep repeating itself. I can't burst into tears everytime I look out this window. I've got to move on, already.

I turn around and find Humphrey fast asleep in the center of my bed. He's so cute. He knows everything about me. He knows everything there is to know about me. Nobody really knows me, for who I am.

When people look at me, or think Cindy Vortex, they think of a blond haired girl with green eyes. The same girl that harassed Jimmy Neutron in Grade school and the same girl who became the hottest girl in Junior High due to a grow spurt. That's all they see. Jimmy sees me as a threat. The other boys see me as a make out buddy. The girls try to hang out with me to catch boys attention. And Libby sees me as a troubled girl with emotions locked up inside. Well, she's right about that one. Because that's all they can see.

But there is so much more to me than that. I am a very complex person, but no one takes the time to find out what's really here.

I really messed myself up, especially when I dated Nick Dean when we were in 7th grade. He was such a tard, all he ever wanted to do was to swamp spit. And I continued to date him, continued to make out with him until his hand reached under my shirt and groped one of my breasts through my sports bra. That's where I had to draw the line. I broke up with him on the spot.

And then, since Nick Dean's ego was crushed he started making up horrible lies about me. Horrible lies that even, Carl, Sheen and Jimmy believed. He said that I was a complete whore and all I wanted to do was make out, he said that once I gave him a blow job, and that he broke up with me because I was cheating on him with some nineteen year old guy from a pub.

I mean, what kind of bullshit is that? What did I do to deserve such awful lies made up about me? Libby was the only person that didn't believe them. But everyone else? Oh yeah, that was major Hell.

My chances of being with Neutron were already slim. Like, a 30 percent chance. And then when Nick Dean made up all those retarded lies, that took away about 10 or 20 percent. Because Jimmy Neutron never looked at me the same again. Everytime he looked at me, he thought, Slut.

I wanted to tell everyone it wasn't true. I wanted to burst into Principal Willoughbee's office and yell into the speakers that Nick Dean was an idiot making up God damned lies. But I didn't.

Instead I just wandered through the school quietly. Trying to avoid eye contact with everyone. Barely talking at all, I never raised my hand in class anymore, or asked any questions, or volunteered to do anything. I was too ashamed, though I had nothing to be ashamed about. Now Jimmy was the only one doing everything in class, it was no Jimmy and Cindy thing. No, Jimmy versus Cindy for this, or Jimmy versus Cindy for that. It was Jimmy the genius does it again, over, Cindy the dumb whore who's done it with a nineteen year old from a pub.

Eventually, I pretty much stopped talking in school. Libby and I would go off to our own corner and talk occasionally. But other than that it was nothing.

At first I had to respond to a bunch of boys trying to flirt with me or get with me. I mean why not? I was the big fat slut of the school! I fucked everybody, right? So why not try and flirt with me? Who knows, maybe I'll give you a blow job in the janitor's closet. But then after I just stopped replying to them they gave up. But they made up even more lies.

Like take Abraham for a shining example. He was flirting like hell with me. I just stopped responding to him, so then he went off and bragged to his friends about him making out with me. He said that I let him lick and suck my breasts and some other shit like that.

God, what is wrong with boys? That is all I have to ask. That is such major bull, it's not even funny. And the thing that makes it worse? Oh yeah, everyone actually believed him!

After awhile there were so many rumors about me, the big fat slut, I just stopped keeping track. The last one I heard about was that I did a threesome with Butch and Arnie or something.

Y'knows some girls come up to me asking for advice. They think that I'm this totally experienced slut, who's gone all the way and I know everything there is to know about sex. But to be honest with you, I've never been any farther than French kissing. Except that time Nick reached under my shirt and groped me, but I didn't like it and it never happened again.

Things got kind of dull. With just Libby and I. We were always hanging out by ourselves and going to the movies by ourselves and everything. And we didn't dare try and tag along with Jimmy Neutron and his weird but entertaining adventures. He was totally sucked into the rumors. He would never let a slut like me go anywhere with him. And besides, why need me, the big fat slut? When he has Betty Quinlin. Oh yeah, those two hooked up shortly after Nick and I broke up.

I hope you know how devestated I was. I was really planning on telling him how I felt about him after stalking away from Nick. But then all these rumors happened and anyway, plan demolished.

See, my life is so great. My parents split up, I'm the school's biggest slut, which is making my crush stay the Hell away from me, so what else is new?

Well, see I've been pondering this idea for a long time, and I've decided to run away. I'm thirteen years old, I'm sure I can handle myself. I've been taking Ba Gua and Tai Qi Chuan since I was four.

All my bags are packed up and resting on my bed, next to Humphrey who is still fast asleep. I just needed time to make sure this is what I really wanted to do, so I looked out the window, and that's when all those memories came flooding back to me.

"Humphrey," I whisper quietly as I throw the duffle back strap around my shoulder. I touch the side of his rib and shake him a little. "Humphrey, wake up. It's time to go." There was no way I was leaving Humphrey behind. No way.

No one loves him like I do, and no one can understand what he's saying like I can. My brother won't take care of him and neither will my dad. Humphrey will just wind up in a dog pound.

I put on Humphrey's worn out torquoise leash, and gave him another tug. His eyelids shot open and he gave me a look. I grab my other duffle back and throw it around the opposite shoulder.

"C'mon Humphrey, we don't have much time." I say. Humphrey gets up and leaps off the bed.

We creep down the stairs, and go out the house.

It's mid October so it's pretty cold. I'm wearing a heavy coat and a black beanie over my blond hair. Humphrey shivers but then his furry body quickly adjusts to the new clement.

I let out a sigh. I can see my breath. It rises right in front of Jimmy Neutron's house.

Jimmy. The boy that I've had a crush on since he first moved here. That's an awful long time. And yet I've never had the chance to tell him the truth.

Another thing I forgot to tell you, I wrote letters. Letters to the people that somewhat mattered to me. I left a letter for my father, a letter for my brother, a letter for Libby, a letter for Jimmy and yes, even a letter for Nick.

But none of the letters were as important to me as Jimmy's was. I want to know what his reaction is going to be like when he reads it. It's my confession. But I won't be here to see him. In each letter lies an explanation, or in Nick's case, a threat.

In the past, Nick had tried to seduce me a few times, even after we had broken up. Like once, I was all alone in the locker room, after one of my figure skating practices and he showed up. With nothing but a towel on, drenched in water.

"Hey Cindy," Nick said. I had stared at him wide eyed.

"Uh, Nick, what are you doing in the girl's locker rooms?" I asked as I continued to fumble with my shoe laces.

"To see you." Nick said smirking.

"Sure." I said throwing my long banes out of my eyes. "Get out, Nick before I tell on you."

"Ooh, she's going to tell on me." Nick mocked to the air. I got up and began to walk by him but he put his arm out in front of me just in time to grab my waist. "Cind - ,"

"Let go!" I slapped his hand away and glared at him. "We're not together anymore, Nick." I snarled. "And you have some nerve, making shit all rumors about me, so don't you dare touch me."

"I'll touch what I want to touch." Nick knew he had an advantage over me. Or so men seem to think. They seem to think that since they're taller and wider than women, they can over power them, which often is the case, but not with Cindy Vortex, whoa no. He did keep me pinned to the wall for a while, his thumbs pressed hard into my shoulders as his eyes bored into mine. "And right now it's you."

"Whatever," I said. "Don't make me hurt you, Nick."

"Right," The threat didn't register into his brain. He grabbed his towel and whipped it off. "Like what you see?" I laughed hysterically, but in truth I didn't really know. I mean I was only in 7th grade, I haven't seen many penises to start off with so how the hell was I supposed to know what's big and what's not big?

Nick tried to move in for a kiss but my fist slammed into his balls before his lips got close to mine. He howled in pain as I stomped out of the locker room and never looked back.

I know now that his penis is very small. And I'm going to use it to my advantage. When Nick and I were dating he had given me pictures of himself in the nude. That that I ever looked at them, but I am so glad I kept them. Nick is too stuck on himself, that's all I have to say.

In the letter, I told Nick that he better straighten up my name, as straight as a damn pencil. I scribbled, he better tell everyone the damn truth about those stupid rumors and lies. And if he didn't, I'd have Libby post up pictures of his tiny little penis all over the school.

Sigh. I'm thinking the Cindy Vortex name should be cleared by next Monday.

As for Libby's letter? It's pratically just telling her how sorry I am that I wasn't a better friend and how my reputation was screwing up hers and what not. I also told her about the Nick Dean thing and that he'd better clear up my name, and I asked her to make sure he cleared it up right.

Libby's letter also included the pictures of Nick Dean in the nude and beside it I wrote, and if Nick Dean doesn't do it right, you post these pictures of his nano dick all over the school.

Knowing Libby, she may even do it anyway. And to be honest with you, I wouldn't give a damn.

In the letter to my brother, Patrick, it just expressed how sorry I was to leave him there. And how sorry I am to be leaving him at a time like this.

And in my dad's letter? Yeah, go fuck yourself.

Jimmy's letter was the complicated one. The confession one.

Dear Jimmy Neutron,

By the time you receive this letter, I won't be here. I don't have much time so I'll break it down for you nice and simple. The truth is Jimmy, I've had a crush on you since you first moved here. I guess I never had a chance to express the way I felt about you because I was too caught up on being the smartest kid in Retroville. Or maybe I was too caught on my mother's obsession with me being the smartest kid in Retroville, either way, they both have the same endings. But I guess I can't blame my mother for everything.

In a few days, you will find out that I am not really a slut. That those were lies made up by Nick Dean years ago. I have never done any of those crazy things people have been talking about. Lies and rumors, nothing more.

The truth behind the story is, I broke up with Nick Dean because once he had tried to go too far with me. He touched me under my shirt and I didn't like it, so I broke up with him. I didn't realize it hurt him that bad, but obviously he did because he started making up those horrible lies about me.

You're probably wondering why I didn't do anything about it. Why I didn't try and convince everyone they were lies. Why bother? Everyone was already stuck on the lies and rumors, there was no way I could try to turn it around. But at least now you know the truth.

I've been wanting to go out with you for quite some time, though now my chances are about two of ten. Maybe not even that. I was going to tell you how I felt about you after I broke up with Nick Dean, but then the lies started and you believed them. Why would you go out with the slut? Maybe the slut was lying? Who knew. And besides, you seemed pretty happy with Betty Quinlin, and I hope you still are.

Things happen, Jimmy. People always told me I can't just sit on the porch and watch the world go by. But that's exactly what happened. Before I dated Nick Dean I had many chances to tell you how I felt. But I never did. I just watched you slip right out of my grasp.

And anyways, I'm also sorry for picking on you all those years. I guess that was another way of me trying to convince myself that I didn't really fall for you. But I did. Fall for you, I mean. And hard.

I've liked you for so long that I'm beginning to think that I love you. How stupid is that? A person you barely even noticed in love with you.

Well, I'm going to stop before I embarrass the Vortex name any further.

I love you, Jimmy Neutron. I always have.

- Cynthia Vortex.