My fingers dance along the keys of the piano. I'd never gone into the music room but I was always interested in it. I'd walked by it many a time on the way to my Physiology class. I feel a shudder run along my spine at the thought of the class. Of the stupid professor who tried to fill me with empty promises. And to think I almost believed him. I scoff in the empty room before I sit down on the piano bench before sighing. I think about everything that's happened this new school year and shake my head. Between the professor, Kitty, and everyone else I can almost forget about her, almost. Santana.
I'd been trying not to think of her. I had. But when she called my crying after she broke up with Brittany I couldn't not be there. We've always been there, even when we hated each other. Though we never really hate each other, we're just passionate people. I think people forget that before Brittany came along me and Santana were inseparable. We were best friends and I miss her. I really do, but for more reasons than people think. She was there with the pregnancy, with the Beth thing, with my parents. No one knows how much she actually cares about people. I know why she made me catch mono from Finn all those years ago, because she believed in me and I was ready to throw everything away. But she pushed me to try harder, she's the one who pushed me towards Yale. She was there in the hospital when I woke up after being in my accident. Made sure that her father took care of me. She was always there, expect when she was with Brittany. Brittany, the girl I was jealous of. Jealous because she wasn't afraid to love Santana. Jealous because she got to have Santana.
When my professor came onto me I let it happen because I would never have her. A blind man could see how much the two of them loved each other. When they broke up I was there because I had to be. We've gotten closer even with the whole slapping thing at Thanksgiving. Then again it made me realize how stupid the whole thing is and when I came back I broke it off. Another thing to thank her for. Then we went to save Rachel from making her mistake. I could see how she was still broken from the break up. That night after we all sang she cried herself to sleep in my arms after finding out about Sam and Brittany. I held her together like she's held me so many times. Every dark thing from her past caught up with her that night and I held her through the entire thing. Everything with Brittany, her abuela, Kentucky, and her past no one but me knew about. Her past that consisted of self-harm, drugs, and alcohol to numb the pain and the fight against her sexuality. To help I told her that I don't think that I'm straight. That I told my mother I was bi-sexual and that my mother didn't care. Santana seemed almost proud of me. She laughed through her tears and called me a "Baby gay". She told me that she was going to go back there and sort everything out. And then she kissed me.
Her lips molded against my own and I felt myself stop breathing. Kissing Santana was everything that I ever imagined it would be. Her pouty lips were soft and absolutely amazing. She tasted like spearmint and mangos. Oddly enough it tasted really good. It was soft and sensual, her hands gripped the back of my head softly, holding me in place. She wasn't forceful or demanding like all the other people I've kissed. Finn was always sloppy, Sam was always too leading and forceful, Puck was rough, and my teacher well it was just gross. She went slow and when I felt her tongue against my lips I didn't hesitate to let her in. When our tongues met we both moaned. We both switched off with who lead the kiss. It was nice and felt natural. I swear I felt fireworks, my heart beat against my chest harder than it ever did before, I focused on breathing and listening to her breaths.
The kiss came to a natural end and I felt her lips curl against mine causing me to do the same. Her hand cupped my cheek and she pressed one last soft kiss on my lips. I finally opened my eyes and met her smoldering brown ones. Her smile reached her eyes, which is a rarity for her, and nudged my nose. My chest was heaving and she pulled my hands into her lap. After I came back to the real world I gave her my classic what the fuck face. My eyebrows reached my hairline and I set my hazel eyes onto hers. "I always wanted to do that. You always seemed like you'd be an amazing kisser. I also may or may not have had a small crush on you." She gave me another real smile. I blinked a few times and felt my mouth gap.
"I-I um I don't know what to say, Santana." She smiled and kissed our clasped hands.
"Then don't. Just listen. I'm going back there to sort things out, to figure out where my heart truly lies. To figure out what I'm going to do about everything. I can't promise that things with us would be easy or that I'll magically be over Britt in a few days. But, I can tell you that I really do care about you Quinn. I really do. I know we're weird, we fight like hell, but in the end we're always there for each other, right?" I smile and nod. "Isn't that what's important? I think that we fight so much is because we're both really passionate people and for some reason I think that things between us will always be that way. I also think that if we try, we could be really amazing together. I'm not making you any promises right now but I just want you to know that I really do care about you Quinn." With one last smile and another small sweet kiss she got up and left.
We haven't talked since then. I've tried, but she hasn't answered. Finn told me about what happened back in Ohio and I guess I now know where we stand. She might care about me but Brittany will always win. Rachel has called to check up on me and so that I know how Santana is settling in. She told me about her diva episode and I asked her about how her and Brody were. I always thought that since me and Santana were a no go that maybe Rachel and I would work. I guess not. Rachel and Santana have apparently gotten close again. She doesn't tell me much but Santana apparently has started to open up to her. She's apparently gotten quiet and is more distant than usual.
I sigh and brace my forehead on the smooth glassy black of the piano. I start to rub a hand on my forehead to fight off the headache that wants to break out in my head. I can feel my heart thudding in my chest. Thinking about Santana has always triggered these emotions. The emptiness and the confusion. Things have only gotten worse since that kiss, that magical kiss. I would give anything to have another one. I start to press a few keys and slowly lead into a song. I recognize the song as one that I'd sing about Santana, funny thing is that it still fits, if not it's more appropriate now than ever before. Of course I made minor changes to accommodate for gender.
"She drowns in her dreams,
An exquisite extreme I know,
She's as damned as she seems,
And more heaven than a heart could hold,
And if I try to save her,
My whole world could cave in,
It just ain't right,
Oh it just ain't right,
Oh and I don't know,
I don't know what she's after,
But she's so beautiful,
Such a beautiful disaster,
And if I could hold on,
Through the tears and the laughter,
Would it be beautiful,
Or just a beautiful disaster,
She's magic and myth,
As strong as what I believe,
A tragedy with,
More damage than a soul should see,
And do I try to change her,
So hard not to blame her,
Hold me tight,
Baby hold me tight,
Oh 'cause I don't know,
I don't know what she's after,
But hse's so beautiful,
Such a beautiful disaster,
And if I could hold on,
Through the tears and the laughter,
Would it be beautiful,
Or just a beautiful disaster,
I'm longing for love and the logical,
But she's only happy hysterical,
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle,
Waited so long,
So long,
She's soft to the touch,
But frayed at the end she breaks,
She's never enough,
And still she's more than I can take,
Oh 'cause I don't know,
I don't know what she's after,
But she's so beautiful,
Such a beautiful disaster,
And if I could hold on,
Through the tears and the laughter,
Would it be beautiful,
Or just a beautiful disaster,
She's beautiful,
Such a beautiful disaster."
I sigh after the last note and feel a tear drop down my face. I quickly wipe the tear trying to remove any trace of it. "That was really beautiful Quinn." No.. I turn on the bench and see Santana leaning against the door. She's wearing her favorite worn in leather jacket, black jeans, knee high high heeled boots, and a dark red flannel. I watch a grin take over her face as she slowly removes herself from the doorway.
"What, what are you doing here Santana? You haven't talked to me since we kissed and honestly I can't think of a single reason why you're here." She sighs before dropping next to me. She looks down to her hands where she's wringing her hands. A nervous habit that she's had since I've known her.
"I know that I should have talked to you but, I honestly didn't know what to say. You know I've never been good with words or feelings. I talked to B. She told me to go to New York." I scoff and get up from the piano bench.
"Santana if you're here just to tell me that you two are back together or that you'll never be over her or that you don't want to be with me I think that-" I'm cut off when Santana's lips press against mine. I push my anger into the kiss and she takes it, allowing me to take the lead in the kiss. I go to pull alway but she keeps me close by gripping the back of my neck. Her kiss is soft and full of something I can't place. She tastes the same, her lips still soft and pouty as ever. I inhale and I get a whiff of her perfume. I don't know exactly what it is but it fits her so well. My hands thread through her hair to bring her closer to me. She presses her body against mine and a moan slips out of my mouth. I wasn't expecting it but she moans in response to my moan. Her hands drift down my sides and she pulls me closer by wrapping her arms around my waist. Dear god this girl is trying to kill me, her body against mine feels like it should be sinful. I know her kissing is. She pulls my bottom lip between her teeth and sucks. My hips jerk and I moan. I pull away and rest my forehead against hers making sure to keep out faces close together. "Fuck Santana." My voice is husky and our chests are heaving. She chuckles and the sound could be categorized as pure sex.
"Well that can be arranged." Her voice is raspier than usual and her breathing is clearly affected. I shake my head against her slowly. She grins and places another slow agonizing kiss on my lips. I pull away and try to push her away by placing my hands on her chest. Her arms tighten, not allowing me to be removed. Her heart is racing under my palm.
"Santana, I need to know what this means. What is going on between us, what are we. I know how you feel about-" She presses another kiss on my lips.
"Jeez Q. Take a breath why don't you, Blondie? We can talk about it okay. Just, breathe." I smile and nod. She grins and pulls me back towards the bench and sits. She drags me down onto her lap causing me to laugh. Her arms around me make me feel safe. She's warm and I can feel the muscle she's built from cheerleading and her other activities. It makes me bite my lip knowing just how that muscle can be put to use. "Get comfy Quinnie." We share a smile and I snuggle further into her. I nuzzle my nose into her neck and I can hear her breath hitch. "I didn't just come to New York because B told me to. I ran into someone when I was on my way home. Someone who once upon a time helped me figure things out with B. Remember Holly Holiday?" I nod and she smiles. "She helped me figure things out two years ago with Brittany. I ran into her on my way there and we talked about how things are now. I talked about Britt, and about you. Apparently there's a very distinct difference when I talk about the two of you. With one of you, my eyes are dark and sad. The other my eyes light up and hold nothing but hope and love." I tense in her arms and she presses a kiss to my temple. "You're the one that my eyes light up about." She gathers a large breath. "Quinn, things with you have always been messy while things with Britt were usually clean cut and simple. I used my feelings for you, and for the most part, I put them on Britt." I pull away so that she can see the confusion on my face. She bites her lip and looks down, blushing. "Quinn, I-" She looks up and locks eyes with mine. "I think I've loved you since the moment I saw you. Brittany realized that, she knew that I loved you and she was always trying to help. Along the way I developed real feelings for her, but my feelings for you were always stronger." I feel a blush work it's way across my face and her hand that isn't holding me up cups my cheek. "Quinn, I-I love you. That's why it's always been so hot and cold. I could never just accept them and I never thought I'd ever have a chance with you. God I'm so stupid. You're probably scared of me now and I-" I press a hot kiss against her mouth before drawing away.
"San for someone who isn't good with words you really need to learn how to shut up more." She laughs before giving me that seductive smirk she's so famous for.
"So then shut me up Fabray."
"Gladly."