Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.
A/N: This fic will make more sense if you've read the book/ watched the movie The Fault In Our Stars.
He called me and asked, "Have you ever written that eulogy I asked you to prepare?" and all I could think of were the tears which left tracks on my cheeks, which dropped down from my chin and landed on the paper, smudging the ink. It felt symbolic because everything seemed to be a blur. I was living in a haze, stuck in a bubble and couldn't get out.
"Will you come over?" He didn't even need to ask. The strength to say no vanished, left me weak when it came to him. I wasn't able to tell him no; I will never be, I never was.
Questions flooded my mind, wanting to be answered, but when I expressed my wonder in words, he just said "I love you, Katherine Beckett" and hung up.
I suddenly felt nervous as I stood in front of him even though there was no need to. It was silly, but I couldn't help it. My heart was beating fast, my palms sweating and I was fumbling around with the note in my hands. I was tracing the creases of the crinkled paper with my fingers, trying to find an end but there wasn't even a beginning.
As always, looking at him calmed me. The encouraging smile on his face and the sparkle in his deep blue eyes were enough to make me stand taller, relax my, because of the nervousness, tense muscles and unfold the note. I took a deep breath and began.
„Hello, I'm Kate Beckett. I'm Castle's fiancée and supposed-to-be wife." I huffed out a laugh even though it wasn't funny at all, but the grin on his face told me that he didn't mind.
"Castle taught me something important: If we want the happy ending, giving up is no option. We have to fight for it, get through the hard times to reach the good times, walk past the shadows to see the light. And what's a great love story without obstacles to overcome, right Rick?
"Ours certainly is a love story.
"I've written one eulogy before, when I was nineteen, for the funeral of my mother. I've been shot by a sniper at Captain Montgomery's funeral. I've been water boarded in an undercover mission. I was in so many life threatening situations, I have lost count.
"I'm not telling you this because I want you to feel sorry for me, no. I just want to show you that I'm still breathing and standing here in front of you because of Castle. I'm still alive because of him.
"After my mother died, I was reading his books and they helped me through my suffering. There was something about his books, maybe it was his sense of humor, maybe it was the earnestness with which he portrayed his characters, I don't know. But it felt like he understood me and it was the only thing that kept me going. It was the one thing that I needed, not pity or sympathy but understanding.
"When I was lying in the grass, shot, bleeding out, he held me and told me to stay with him. And as I slowly passed out and the world around me faded away, my eyes were only focused on him and the last words that I heard before everything went black were his. I still remember the look on his face and the quiver in his voice as he told me, 'Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate.'
"I may haven't acted like it afterwards and I may have been frightened by his declaration at first, but I'm pretty sure that these words were the only thing that pulled me through, that kept me alive.
"When I was water boarded, the only thing that kept me going was thinking about him, about our future.
"He probably was by my side in every life threatening situation. He always was there. Even when I told him to stay in the car. I tried everything to make him stay away from these situations, hell, I even handcuffed him to my car, but there is just no way of getting rid of him. And if I had gotten rid of him, I probably wouldn't stand right here.
"He saved my life in all possible ways.
"Now I can't save his." My voice cracked and a single tear rolled down my cheek. I wiped it away and with that the feeling of injustice that had hit me.
"Let me tell you a story:
I have three scars from the shooting, one small right next my heart and two larger ones at the sides of my midsection. They don't hurt anymore but sometimes they itch because of the weather or the like. It's not a bad sign, it doesn't mean anything but it makes me feel uncomfortable.
So, one day we were just lying in bed at night, talking about the day or about a case, I don't really remember anymore. Nothing out of the ordinary but of course he noticed my discomfort. He notices everything. He scooted closer, put his hands over the two larger ones and just held me like this for a few minutes.
When I randomly said, 'They're so ugly' he then looked up at me and with raw honesty in his eyes he said, 'No, they're beautiful. They are part of you, Kate. They are the proof that you survived a bullet to the heart. They show that you are a fighter, that you are strong. Behind every scar is a story and that's what makes them beautiful. There are no faults in our scars.'"
I paused for a second and thought about this memory while his voice echoed in my head. There are no faults in our scars. This beautiful, beautiful man.
"Living without him will be different and hard for a while, but I know that I have two other Castles and one Beckett at my side and I will do my best to support them, too, and I know that we will get through this hard time together." I wiped at the wetness on my cheeks and tried to maintain strength.
"Life will be different but my feelings won't change." Breathing got harder, I was gasping for air as if I was drowning in a sea of tears.
"His passing away won't change my gratefulness or my love for him and…" I trailed off. Tears were clogging my throat, catching the words and not letting them out.
"Hold on," I whispered. Sobs were shaking me, leaving me weak. I needed to regain control, I wouldn't break down in front of him but deep breaths didn't seem to help and all I needed was-
His touch.
I needed his touch and of course he knew.
He had rolled with his wheelchair in front of me, had taken my hand and rubbed circles on my palm, comforting me in the way he knew it calmed me.
I took one last deep breath, ruffled through his hair and kneeled down, so that I was face to face with him where my flooded eyes met his watery ones.
I stroked over his temple as I framed his face with my palms and whispered, "It won't change a thing."
He needed to know that I will hold the promise of forever, the promise of always. He needed to know that I wouldn't lose myself. I had a real family again, I wouldn't let them down.
His nod was confirmation enough for now.
"This is why ours is a great love story. We never gave up. We've overcome hundreds of obstacles, at least it feels like it. We always were looking for that happy ending. I guess we didn't find it because I don't call this a happy ending. Or maybe it's just not the end. Who knows what happens next?
"Rick, I'm so grateful for you, our partnership and our relationship. I love you so much."
The tears streaming down my face match his. He doesn't even bother to wipe them away, he lets me see it all: the love, admiration and awe shining in his eyes as he mouths it back.
I love you too.
A/N: One chapter to come. Reviews are greatly appreciated.