I don't want to love you but I do Chapter 1, a glee fanfic

A/N; Okay so I really ship Jyder so I just couldn't stop myself from writing this. I have just fallen completely in love with Ryder and to be honest with Jake too but I love Ryder more. I really just couldn't stop myself from writing this like I said. I am not really sure where it will go but let's just see eh? I apologise if any of the characters seem a little out of character. I don't mean for them to be too out of character. And I ended up starting this story after 'Dynamic Duets' so that is why the New Directions still have the choir room and just so it doesn't get confusing, I am just going to keep it that way.

Jake walked through the McKinley corridors, he was headed toward the library and walked past the choir room and saw Ryder in there. He seemed to be annoyed at something. Jake walked into the room and saw that Ryder had papers all over the piano and was just staring at them all.
"Dude, you alright? You seem kinda…..lost" Jake said to him as he walked over to him.
Ryder just looked up at him "It's just this stupid English. I can't do it. I've got to read this paragraph and then answer the questions about it but….I can't"
Jake just smiled slightly "Want me to help you?"
"Why would you help me though?" Ryder said to him.
"Because you're my boy and I've got you're back remember?" Jake smiled at him.
Ryder just smiled back at him in thanks. The two of them just stared at each other for a few moments before they heard someone walk into the choir room.
Jake turned around and smiled as he saw Marley.
"Hey guys, what you doing?" Marley asked.
"I was just telling Ryder that I'd help him with his English." Jake said to Marley.
"You're doing that here? And right now?" Marley asked.
"Does it matter if we are?" Ryder asked her.
"Just because Glee is in about 5 minutes guys" Marley told them. "Couldn't you just do it later? Like after school?"
"Yeah we'll do it after school" Jake said as he then turned to look at Ryder "My place after school?"
Ryder just nodded and smiled "Yeah that's great" he said as he then put all the paper back into his bag and took a seat at the back of the choir room. Jake then took a seat next to Ryder and Marley sat next to Jake. Whilst the New Directions piled into the choir room, Ryder found himself glancing at Jake every so often. He just couldn't keep his eyes off him. Not that he wanted to though. He just found Jake Puckerman absolutely gorgeous and he couldn't stop himself from falling in love with him.

"Okay guys. What I would like us to do today is to find a song that you feel expresses your feelings toward a certain person. You don't have to say who the song is dedicated to but I want you to sing it as if you are singing it to the person." Finn said to the New Directions. "Yes Brittany" he smiled as Brittany's hand shot up.
"Does it have to be a love song? Because I don't think I would feel comfortable lying to everyone and pretending that I love someone in this room because I don't love anyone but Santana. We might have gone on a break or whatever she calls it, but I don't want to serenade someone I don't love with love songs. It wouldn't be fair to her. I might be a lot of things, like stupid, but I am not a liar" Brittany said.
"No, it doesn't have to be a love song. It can be a song that is about a great friendship if you want it to be" Finn said with a smile which then seemed to make Brittany a lot happier.
"So, has anyone got a song already in mind that they want to sing to someone?" he asked as he looked at all of the students.
Ryder stood up "I have a song which I want to sing to someone." He said and when Finn gestured for him to come to the front he smiled slightly and walked to the front.
"I won't say who the song is for but I think the lyrics just really say what I feel about the person" Ryder said.

Hearts break too fast when they're sentimental. Won't stay, won't last when its love at first sight. So why are my convictions blinded by your spot light? Can't breathe, can't sleep need some medication. I've kissed goodbye to my reservations. I know there's all the fish in the sea, not for me I want you.

If I can't have you then I don't want anyone.
If I can't have you then all the damage has been done.
Baby, we can break these rules if you wanna have some fun.
Think of all the love that you will lose if I can't have you.
If I can't have you.
If I can't have you.
If I can't have you.

Heartbeat, cold sweat, thoughts slipping under. Can't fight no threat cuz there's just no use.
One look, no hesitation I'm slipping into you. Forgive these eyes, these lips you're tasting. No time to waste on an invitation. My shame, my self control has suffered enough and everybody wants to be loved.

I haven't seen the best that love has had to offer. They say perfection's always right around the corner, could be true. But if I can't have you.

After he had finished the song a single tear rolled down Ryder's cheek. He wished he had the courage to just say who the song was dedicated to but he couldn't face Jake saying anything about it. He knew that Jake probably didn't love him back and that was the reason behind the single tear that rolled down his face.
Seeing the tear, Sugar seemed rather upset and stood up and hugged him. Rory then just glared at Ryder. He had only come back from Ireland a few days ago and already had to deal with Sugar being suspiciously closer to Artie. After a few moments she pulled away from the hug that she had given Ryder and sat back down next to Rory and placed her hand on his leg.

Ryder then went to sit back down next to Jake.
"That was great Ryder. That's what I mean guys. I want you to sing it with all the passion you can" Finn smiled as Ryder sat down.
Kitty then turned around and flashed Ryder a smile "Wait for me outside the choir room after Glee club" she whispered to him and then turned back to face the front.
Ryder was confused, why would Kitty want him to meet her after Glee club?

After Glee club Ryder walked out the choir room with Marley and Jake. As soon as he stepped out of the door, Kitty took his hand "I need to talk to Ryder without you two listening in to the conversation" she said as she then pulled Ryder away from Marley and Jake.
"What was that about?" Marley asked Jake looking confused.
"Don't ask me" Jake said in answer looking equally confused.
Kitty pulled Ryder down the corridor and turned the corner before she pulled him towards her and kissed him. Ryder pushed her away almost instantly "Kitty, what are you doing?" he asked her.
Kitty just smiled "Oh come on, I know you sang that song about me and you are kind of hot so I thought I would see how things went between us" she said flirtatiously.
Ryder just stared at her. She thought the song was about her? Should he tell her that it was or not? He definitely didn't want to tell her who the song was really dedicated to.
"Kitty it wasn't about you. Why would you think it was?" Ryder said to her with a confused look on his face.
"Who was it about then? Is it Marley? It is isn't it?" Kitty said folding her arms across her chest. Ryder just shook his head "No it wasn't about Marley either." He said to her.
This just made Kitty very confused "Well who then? If it wasn't for me or for Marley then who was it for? Was it for Sugar? Oh my God. It was Sugar. I mean she did hug you afterwards" Kitty smiled before she just walked off. Ryder couldn't be bothered to go after Kitty and tell her it wasn't Sugar because then Kitty would make him tell her who it was and he didn't want to say that it was for Jake, so he decided to just let her think that it was for Sugar.

Ryder walked back around the corner and bumped into Rory.
"I heard you and Kitty talking" Rory said to him "You might like Sugar but you can't have her. She's mine and I'm not letting you take her away from me"
Ryder just sighed "I don't like Sugar. I just let Kitty think that I did because I don't want anyone knowing who it is I do like just yet" Ryder said to him.
Rory didn't seem convinced "Whatever you say. Just stay away from my girl or you will be sorry." He said before walking off.
Ryder just watched him leave and then looked to the floor. What if Kitty told everyone that he liked Sugar? Why couldn't he just admit that he was in love with Jake? What was he so scared of? If Jake didn't feel the same he would still be his friend. He needed to tell someone. But who could he tell? It then hit him. He could tell Finn, because he felt that he could trust Finn.

Ryder walked into the choir room and smiled slightly as he saw that Finn was in there.
"Finn, can I talk to you about something?" Ryder asked him as he walked towards him.
Hearing Ryder's voice, Finn looked up "Yeah sure dude. What's up? Is everything okay?"
"Yeah it's just that I'm not sure what to do about something and I thought that you might know what to do about it" Ryder said to him as he then bit his lip.
Finn just smiled slightly "What is it? You're not in trouble are you?" he asked, seeming slightly concerned.
"No it's not that. It's just that I'm in love with someone and I'm too scared to tell them and I don't know how to pluck the courage up to tell them." Ryder said to Finn.
Finn just sat down on a seat "All you have to do is just say it to them but if you can't pluck the courage up to tell them then do what we all used to do. Do it through music. Tell them through music. I'll even help you find a song if you want me to" Finn said to him with a smile.
Ryder just smiled gratefully at him "Thanks Finn. How do we even begin to think up a song though?" he asked.
"Well to be honest that all depends on who it is that you're in love with. Because you need to think about the situation that they are in and if they're dating anyone. Do you want to tell me who it is? You don't have to if you don't want to" Finn said to him as he stood up again.
Ryder looked to the floor and took a deep breath before looking back up again "It's Jake" he told Finn.
Finn just smiled "Well maybe you could just choose a song that just hints at loving someone so it's not a full blown love song, just like, I dunno suggesting that you like him and then just see if he catches on." he said as he then placed a hand on his shoulder "Don't worry about anything dude. Even if Jake doesn't feel the same way about you, he will still treat you the same and he won't judge you, he's a good friend to you and no matter what happens, he always will be."
Ryder just smiled "Thanks again Finn. I know I have to but I'm not ready to just yet, I mean I just have to think of a song and then pluck the courage up to actually do it." he said to Finn.
"Whenever you think you're ready, just tell me even if it's in the middle of Glee okay?" Finn smiled.
Ryder just nodded and smiled before giving Finn a small hug and walking out of the choir room.

Finn just smiled as he watched Ryder leave. He was glad that he had been able to help him. At times Jake and Ryder reminded him so much of himself and Puck. They were great friends, who at first hadn't really seen eye to eye. Ryder reminded him so much of himself and Jake reminded him so much of Puck. He knew that no matter what happened Jake and Ryder would still be good friends in the end. Part of him was worried about Ryder in case he got hurt but the other part of him was sure that no matter what Jake said, he would be fine. He just hoped that nothing would go wrong. He didn't want Ryder to get hurt, and he would be the same with any of the New Directions. He loved the New Directions, they way Mr Schue had when he was the Glee club teacher. He wasn't sure if he should try talking to Jake, maybe if he did it would help. He then decided that if he was going to talk to Jake at all then it would be after Ryder had sung to him. Well that was if Ryder sang something and things didn't go well. If things turned out okay then what would be the point in talking to Jake? The only thing that Finn was worried about was that Jake might not feel the same way and the friendship that he and Ryder had would end up being awkward or even ruined and he would feel partly responsible if that happened, because he was the one that told Ryder to sing a song to Jake to help him express his feelings towards him.

Later on that day Ryder and Jake were up in Jake's bedroom and Jake was helping Ryder with the English homework. It seemed, to Ryder, that it was taking ages although it probably wasn't. Whenever he got confused or lost, Jake was never impatient with him instead he just explained it again. Once Ryder's English homework was done and Ryder had put it away, Jake turned the TV on and flicked through the channels. After flicking through practically every single channel he just frowned.
"Typical. So many channels and there is shit on every single one of them" Jake sighed as he turned off the TV.
Ryder just smiled "It's always the way dude. Why don't we just do something else?"
Jake then just looked at him "Like what though?" he asked him.
'Like make out' Ryder thought but of course he couldn't just say that so instead he just said "I dunno. Surely we can think of something right?"
Jake was just about to answer him when there was a knock on Jake's bedroom door, and his mother walked in with a small smile on her face "Are you boys alright?" she asked.
Jake just smiled at his mother "Yeah, we just can't think of what to do. I've helped Ryder with his homework and that didn't take as long I thought it was going to take, and now we've got nothing to do and there's just crap on the TV" he answered her.
"I'm sure you two will work something out. Would either of you like a drink or anything?" Jake's mother smiled.
"Yeah, Coke would be great mother" Jake said to her.
"Can I have some Coke too, please?" Ryder asked with a smile.
"At least one of you has manners" Jake's mother smiled as she then left the room.

A few moments later Jake's mother came back with two glasses of Coke in her hands.
She handed then to Jake and Ryder and just smiled when Ryder thanked her before walking out. Jake took a drink before placing it on his desk and sat on his bed.
"You know Marley thinks that you and her are dating" Jake said with a smile.
"What? Seriously? Why does she think that?" Ryder asked him with a small smile.
"Because you kissed her, when we were about to go and perform 'You're the one that I want' remember?" Jake replied.
"But that was just a kiss. I don't even like her like that, she's…she's not even my type" Ryder said.
Jake just looked at Ryder, slightly confused "Who is your type then? Kitty?"
"Really Jake, Kitty? I'm not insane" Ryder said with a slight laugh.
"Yeah good point, I mean her face looks like she lost a fight with an alligator" Jake said with a serious look on his face. Just at that moment, Ryder had taken a drink and when Jake spoke he ended spitting it out and burst out laughing. When he'd spat out the coke it ended up all over Jake's top.
"Oh shit. I'm so sorry dude" Ryder said as he put his coke next to Jake's.
"It's fine. I was going to have to put this top in the wash anyway." Jake smiled at him as he then took off his t-shirt and walked out of his room to go and put it in the washing basket for it to be washed.
Once Jake had walked back into the room Ryder had to look to the floor, otherwise he would end up just staring at Jake's chest. Jake looked to Ryder and saw him just staring at the floor and looked confused "Dude, you alright? Why are you staring at my floor?" he asked him.
Ryder looked up and saw that Jake still hadn't put on another top. "I'm fine. I just feel a bit…..sick that's all" he lied. Hopefully Jake wouldn't start asking him loads of questions and leave him alone. "I have to go" he then said as he stood up, picked up his bag and walked out of Jake's room leaving the Puckerman standing there looking confused. Had he done something wrong? He really didn't know what was the matter with Ryder. He was actually slightly worried about him.