A/N: So this is a little bit of a risky piece, I feel, in terms of character portrayal but stick with it (pretty please?) because hopefully it's okay. It probably would never happen on the show, but that's what writing is for – to explore avenues that wouldn't otherwise be considered. I'm not going to lie, Rachel is really quite OOC here but I saw a video about Effy from Skins a couple of weeks back and well, this idea sort of grew and grew the more I wrote. I mean eventually, she's back to the Rachel we know and (sometimes) love but this is way off characterisation-wise.
I guess I just wanted to take a more in-depth (and completely overdramatic) look at how far Jesse (and Shelby) really could have affected Rachel. And how, after realising this, Jesse would try and mend all he's broken.
Warnings: A few swear words. It's also un-beta'd (as is all my work) and though I've re-read it twice, I'm sure there are countless errors, for which I apologise in advance. I also apologise for this crazily long note, which I don't tend to usually do.
Disclaimer: I own nothing (I never do). Song title comes from I'll Carry You Home – James Blunt.
Sometimes, in order to fix something, you have to find the root cause of the breakage. And the root cause of this one is Jesse St James.
He showed her what it felt like to be loved and be wanted and just as she was finally opening her eyes, he was closing his heart.
-StB-
When she turns up to school with smudged make up and bloodshot eyes, Santana's got enough of a heart not to rip it out of her (yet.) Instead, she shrugs at Brittany and then places an awkward arm around Rachel's shoulders and quickly guides her to the choir room, before rapidly removing her arm as if she'd catch rabies or something as equally hideous. The irony lies in the fact that she's probably already caught much worse from half the jocks in the school, but that's pretty much irrelevant given the way Rachel sits and stares, like she's not really there.
"Oh sweet Lord, what do you look like?" Kurt walks in and manages to bypass the genuine looks of concern on every other member's face. "No seriously, Rachel, what is this? Dress like the dead day?"
Kurt's next sound is a little higher than usual and the girls turn round to see Puck exacting some form of legal torture to Kurt's most intimate parts. Puck doesn't quite know what's going on, but when Rachel's not talking and she looks like she does, he knows something big is going down.
"Are you, like, out of your freaking mind? Rachel's obviously going through some shit right now; don't go getting all powder puff on her."
No-one quite knows why Puck's being so protective over Rachel but they put it down to the fact he's now a dad (of sorts) and although his love for causing pain is unlikely to be relinquished, he has found a greater sense of meaning to the word responsibility. Kurt looks sheepish enough to turn himself into a lovely knitted jumper and takes a seat at the far end, trying to overcome the immense pain he's currently feeling. Think before you speak, Kurt, think before you speak are the words he mutters to himself as the others worry about Rachel, who's still not saying a word.
"Are you okay, Rachel?" Tina crouches beside Rachel and places a hand on her thigh, which Rachel just stares at, as if she's never seen a hand before.
"Well, of course she's not okay!" Finn's understandably worried: he broke up with Rachel three weeks ago and somehow, he feels this is all down to him. It's a little big-headed of him, granted, but the concern is very much genuine.
"Well at least Tina had the decency to ask." Quinn's cutting remark silences them all for a while and once they all start talking amongst themselves, they fail to notice when Rachel ups and leaves.
"Rachel's gone," Santana points out unhelpfully but it's only on the third time of saying it that anyone takes a blind bit of notice. Puck grunts in anger and Finn looks like he's close to tears. Quinn rolls her eyes and decides they need to tell Mr Schue, when he turns up that is. Which he does several minutes and four arguments later.
"Mr Schue, we need to talk to you."
"This sounds ominous," he laughs but he can tell in an instant from Quinn's face that this is not a laughing matter. "Is everything okay, guys?"
"It is far from okay," Puck takes charge now and Quinn's glad she and him have shared something as beautiful as their baby because she sees a different side to him now. "Rachel's acting really weird; she didn't say anything and her make up was totally wack."
"Quinn?" Mr Schuester wants to get the full story right before he does anything rash.
"Puck's right, she was like a zombie and she'd obviously been crying."
"And she didn't say what was wrong?"
"Mr Schue, weren't you listening? She didn't say anything." Finn's getting agitated now and he can't stay in the same spot for more than a few seconds.
"Well has she said anything to any of your recently? How she was feeling, that sort of thing?"
"She was pretty pissed about regionals." No one's quite sure how Puck knows all this but they let him continue, each a little bit ashamed they haven't a clue what's going on. "And about that Jesse kid. He totally screwed her over. Even I wouldn't do that to a chick."
It's clear that Jesse is still one thing that can unite this group if all else fails, and the mutters of disapproval grow as they remember more and more about Rachel's time with Jesse.
"I bet you he's messing with her head again," Finn's fists are starting to clench and Kurt, who's finally stopped nursing his own pain to worry about Rachel's, offers some insight into it all.
"From the rumours going around the school, it seems Jesse's moved on from Rachel a little faster than she might have hoped. That, coupled with her mother's second abandonment and our failure to place at regionals, has probably sent her into another funk." Kurt still looks a little pale from Puck's helping hand but his voice is gradually returning to normal. "I'm sure she'll be fine in a couple of days."
"Maybe we should ring her dads just in case." Mercedes, ever the grounded one, is finally speaking sense to Mr Schue and he agrees, quickly making his way to Figgins, searching for Rachel as he goes. Her dads are away on a business trip, but it was sorted that Rachel's aunt would come and visit twice during the week. She hasn't come to visit once.
"I don't like this," Mercedes adds once Mr Schue's left, shaking her head and pursing her lips to the side. "This is not giving me a good vibe."
"Nothing gives you a good vide unless it's soulful R&B." It seems Kurt hasn't learnt from earlier or he just can't help himself. Either way, he votes himself to go and look for Rachel, just to get out the choir room and away from Puck's extremely strong hands.
"Maybe we should ring Ms Corcoran too," Quinn muses, looking to Mercedes and Tina for encouragement on this. Santana and Brittany feel a little left out because they're never consulted on group decisions like this, but stay put because they've never seen Rachel look anything short of (warped, unstylish) perfection before and it's knocked them both for six. "She is her mother and I know I'd want to know if my daughter was, well, like Rachel was."
It's oddly poignant because she really does have a daughter now, only that daughter is with the woman who's also Rachel's mum, as if things weren't complicated enough already. But the rest concur and Quinn dials her number, finding an odd clogging feeling halfway down her throat as Shelby answers the phone and the sound of a baby crying can be heard in the background. Puck threads his fingers with Quinn and she finds the strength to continue.
"Ms Corcoran? It's Quinn. I don't know if you remember m-"
"I remember you Quinn, how could I not?" Quinn can hear the heartfelt appreciation in Shelby's voice and it proves to her that she's made the right decision, however painful it is when she goes to sleep at night. "Is everything okay?"
"I," Quinn doesn't quite know how to put this. It could, as Kurt naively suggests, be nothing but it's too unlike Rachel to not be something. "I don't know. It's to do with your daughter. Your other daughter," Quinn quickly adds, before Shelby gets the wrong end of the stick.
"Rachel? Well is she alright?"
"We don't really know, she's been a bit off lately. I don't really know what you can do I just-"
Puck takes the phone from Quinn and presses it to his own ear. "It might be that PMS thing chicks get, but could you give us a call if you hear anything."
Shelby agrees that she will and although Puck has done a little to reassure her, Shelby's more than a little worried that Rachel's finally lost it. From overhearing Vocal Adrenaline conversations in rehearsals to feedback from Jesse in the run up to regionals, it's pretty clear she was close to falling anyway. And Shelby can't help but wonder that maybe something's pushed her right over the edge.
-StB-
Rachel doesn't have a clue what's going on. This is so unlike her but it scares her how easily she's fallen into this pattern of self-hatred, of self-mocking. She doesn't really remember when she first started to slip, but once her footing was lost, the falling felt more than a welcome change. Her dads don't know what to do with her because she won't even tell them what's wrong, and each time they ask, her reply is along the same lines. I'm fine, I'm just tired. Or I had a long day at school. Sometimes it's I'm just not hungry tonight. And her personal favourite, you have nothing to worry about, I'll tell you when there is, usually coupled with a perfectly practised smile and an effortless hug. She doesn't remember when she became so goddamned good at lying either, but it's become a godsend just recently. And then, when they went away for the week and she no longer had to keep up the pretences, she finally let herself go wholeheartedly and since then, she hasn't seen the surface. She doesn't know if she ever will.
And there's something about the choir room that always affects her the worst. When she goes in there, she feels like she can't breathe, that something in there is taking her essence and pulling it away from her. She thinks it's because it reminds her of him and since he walked out her life without a second glance back, she's forgotten what it feels like to be alive. She (foolishly) thought winning regionals would cure that, but she couldn't even manage that. He showed her what it felt like to be loved and be wanted and just as she was finally opening her eyes, he was closing his heart.
And today in the choir room was worse than ever before and that's why she had to get out. Only today, she's got completely out of the school and she doesn't even know where she's headed. Usually she takes a time out in the toilet or hides in an unused classroom but the others were starting to ask questions and Rachel simply cannot provide the answers. So she bolts, running home because she knows it'll be empty. She heads straight to the shower and gets in fully clothed and just lets her head roll back as the water weighs down her garments and makes them stick to her body. She hears someone at the front door and quickly exits the shower, removing her wet clothes and drying herself before putting on one of Jesse's old t-shirts that comes half way down her thighs. It's only the postman at the door and she relaxes when she realises it's not someone looking for her. She puts some grey-coloured tights on underneath the top, slips on some pumps and then heads back out, unsure of where to go next. She's aware she looks a state but her own clothes feel too tight, too constricting and really all she wants right now is freedom. But she can't be around people, not now. She's already hurting herself and she can't do that to others too. She walks to places she's never seen before and she doesn't even realise how far she's walked before she notices the time and it's already three in the afternoon. She's lost in more ways than one and when her phone rings and she sees she has 47 missed calls, she decides making it 48 would be bad. Very bad.
"Hello?"
"Rachel, is that you?"
"Noah?" These are the first words that Puck's heard her speak in a while and her voice sounds different to usual.
"Where are you?" The others sit in anticipation as they strain to listen to what Rachel's saying but Puck walks away to try and listen on his own. He knows she can't see him, but he'd rather she thought it was only him she was speaking to, not the entire glee club, Mr Schue and Coach Sylvester (who's only around because everything else is too damn boring for her liking.) They've all been trying to get hold of her all day, in between lessons and whatnot, but up until now, they've had no such luck. Finn's a little peeved she didn't answer to him but from the grave look on Puck's face, he's a little bit glad she didn't.
"I-I don't know." She's looking around and it begins to scare her that she can't recognise anything around her. "Come and find me, please." And then she puts the phone down before she starts to cry as that feeling of foreboding that is always so very present begins to rise in her stomach. Puck's never heard her so desperate and he throws his phone to the floor because he feels so damn helpless that he can't even help a seventeen year old girl get home.
"Where is she? Did she say?"
"She doesn't know. She asked me-" His mouth becomes taught as he tries to regain his usual composure. "She asked me to come and find her, she sounds desperate."
"Mr Schue, this is bad. This is really bad." Finn keeps rubbing his hands together and checking his phone, neither of which are particularly helpful.
"Wow Finn, your knack for stating the obvious never fails to impress me." Santana's not exactly Rachel's biggest fan, but Puck's clearly worried and it takes a lot to get Puck worried.
"Santana, your sarcasm isn't helping either." Will takes over and decides this has gone far enough. "I think all of you should get home, it's getting late and Rachel's dads are out looking for her now. She's probably just a little sleep-deprived and a little antsy after her business with Jesse. It's understandable."
It's not, it's far from understandable when it comes to Rachel, but Will needs to reassure the rest of his kids that Rachel's going to be fine because he can't cope with more than one of them going off the rails like this. And given that Rachel was, in his eyes, the least likely to ever do something like this, makes him worry all the more about the others. Even Sue looks a little apprehensive at the grave faces that stand before her – this is unchartered territory and no one quite knows what they're dealing with.
They don't find Rachel that evening and she doesn't answer anyone else's calls. It's not intentional, not to start with, but by the time the day draws to a close, she decides she's better on her own. But she can feel herself becoming slightly hysterical as the moon begins to surface and darkness takes its hold on her again. She runs and runs to find her way, to find somewhere safe, to get herself home.
She never gets home that night.
-StB-
Everyone is in school earlier than usual the next day, just to see if there's any news on Rachel. And when the police are seen to be talking to teachers in the car park, they know it can't be good news.
"Mr Schue, what's going on? Have they found Rachel? Is she okay?" Will's bombarded with thousands of questions and that's from Finn alone. The others – even Kurt – are starting to worry now because Rachel's been out on the streets all night, or worse, someone's taken her in.
"Has anyone contacted St Jackass?" Puck can't believe he's about to go here. "She stupider than I thought if she's with him, but at least we'd know she was safe if she is."
A small flicker of hope passes through them all and they agree, non-verbally, that that's where Rachel must be. She's obviously got the plane to UCLA and she's staying with Jesse, blissfully unaware of the havoc she's causing here. Will rings Shelby to let her know how things are developing and Shelby feels sick to discover she still hasn't been found because she blames herself for not being there for Rachel, for turning her back and deciding that Rachel's better off without her. The minute she's off the phone to Will, she's ringing Jesse and she finds herself a little bit emotional when he decides not to answer until the seventh time she's rung.
"Jesse?" Her voice is frantic when he (finally) picks up and he's instantly intrigued. "Is Rachel with you?" If she's trying to get him to reconcile with Rachel so she can have a two-daughter household, she's got another thing coming. He ruined any chances he might possibly have with Rachel for Shelby, wasn't that enough? Jesse can't believe she's actually coming to him for more.
"Funnily enough, no, she's not. She hates me, remember?"
"God Jesse, grow the hell up. Not everything's about you, you know."
"No, because everything's always about you, Shelby! Look, is that all you wanted because I'm kind of busy and-"
"We don't know where Rachel is." Her voice is suddenly quiet and eerie and Jesse doesn't quite know what to make of it.
"What?"
"She's out there, somewhere, and no-one's heard from her in hours. We thought – we hoped she'd with you because Puck genuinely thought it would have been safer for her, safer to be with you than out there on the streets. But do you know what Jesse? I don't think he's right. You're dangerous and you're soulless and I think that's rubbed off onto her."
"Yeah? Well, I'm only that way because you made me like that." And with that, he ends the calls and embarks on a string of swear words that don't even begin to cover his anger. He knows he can pull off the guilt trip on Shelby as well as anything but he feels a little bit bad about this one. If Rachel's really in danger, he's never going to forgive himself because he knows that at least some of her pain can be attributed to him. But he can't take all the credit – there are so many who've caused her pain over this last year and they don't even know the half of it. He doesn't know the half of it either, and the decision's then made for him. He's going to have to go back and be the one to find her, because if he doesn't do this, he doesn't think he'll ever be able to fully atone for all he's done. So he packs a bag and books a flight and he is determined he's going to be the one to find Rachel. He'll be the one who brings her home, safe and sound, and the one who she showers with kisses when he saves her from herself. And these somewhat self-righteous yet endearing thoughts send him to sleep, with a smile tugging at his lips as he awaits the lengthy journey back. But he's not prepared for what he finds when he gets there.
No ones prepared for anything anymore.
-StB-
She finds herself running into a groups of boys late into the night and they sound like they could be from her school, but nothing appears clear in her mind anymore. But they refuse to take no for an answer when they offer her a drink, so she accepts a bottle of whatever it is they're offering and the cool liquid is instant relief on the burning fever she's currently nursing. She probably drinks it a little fast because the boys all laugh and hand her another, watching her place the full bottle against the back of neck in a vain attempt to try and cool herself down.
"Lady, if you're hot, why don't you take that top off for a little while?" One of the boys is quite clearly not lacking in confidence but Rachel has enough intelligence to realise this is not where she wants to go.
"You wouldn't be saying that if you knew who I really was," she informs them all and takes another sip from the bottle they've given her. She's finally getting the type of attention she's longed for (and lived for) but it feels bitter, unwanted.
"Well come a bit closer and maybe we'll re-evaluate that claim." It's a mistake for him to ask and for her to move because her face is pale and her make up wild and they begin to grasp the severity of this situation. "You're that Berry kid, right? The one who's missing."
"Missing?" Rachel's drunk both bottles now and she's having even more difficulty trying to focus than before. "How can I be missing when you know where I am?"
It's the drink and the doubt that's talking but the boys share glances as Rachel's breathing becomes laboured and the bottle in her hand drops to the floor and smashes into sharp segments. She places the other one back on her neck because the heat she's facing is becoming unbearable. They're drop outs and dead weights but they're not the devil incarnates, so they let her get in their car and drive them back to the only house they know for certain will be empty. Three of the boys congregate in the kitchen and the fourth slips an arm around Rachel's waist and guides her to the back garden. (If she's going to be sick, he'd really rather it was outside because so far, his parents aren't aware – or don't care – about what he does in his spare time, and he'd really like to keep it that way.) Rachel's looking more and more unsteady as the night wares on but she asks for another drink because she really needs to cool down. She's reluctantly handed another bottle of alcohol – it's all they ever drink – and she sips it slower this time. The fourth boy – Luke – takes her back inside and up to his room when she finally finishes her drink. He leaves her in the clothes she's in and places her on his bed, a glass of water next to her and a sick bucket, just in case. This doesn't seem like the same annoying girl who's usually wearing a slushie, not on oversized shirt, around school and it pains him to see her pretty face look so haunted.
But he tells himself it's not his job to worry and he leaves her sleeping to rejoin his boys. They drink until late into the night and pass out on the kitchen floor until dawn, not even awakening to hear Rachel leave the house as soon as she hears the morning chorus.
Her head appears to have a mind of its own and is far too sensitive to every sound she can hear. She feels a little bit sick and a little bit lost but she keeps walking because she assumes she'll reach home eventually. She should feel incredibly guilty that her dads will we worried sick about her, wherever it is they're away on business, but she's spent so long trying to please everyone else all of the time, it's finally started to wear her down and she's not sure how much more she can take. Her hair is limp and lifeless (a bit like herself) and the cool morning breeze is doing wonders for her temperature. Her feet are pounding with pain from the vast amount of walking she's done in the last 24 hours, so she slips her pumps off and wrinkles her feet whilst resting on a nearby wall. Putting the shoes back on involves too much pain, so she carries them in her hands and concentrates all her efforts on placing one tentative foot in front of the other, whilst trying to keep the contents of her stomach down.
She finds herself humming along to There are worse things I could do and she begins to remember what it's like to be Rachel Berry, the star in the making. But it was through being Rachel Berry that she got here in the first place. She was the one who wanted everything, but wanting everything comes at a price and she's paying for it fast and hard right now. In those blissful months with Shelby and Jesse and New Directions heading for regionals, Rachel had (naively) thought nothing could ever bring her down. She thought she had everything: the perfect (if a little egotistical) boyfriend, the support of her friends – actual friends – who she could turn to for anything, and the mother who'd been absent for so long finally wanted her back.
But then it all turned to dirt and she realised that she was just so tired. Tired of pretending it didn't hurt every time she saw someone kissing their boyfriend against the lockers at school. Tired of pretending she was fine with the outcome of regionals, fine with the way Jesse had barely acknowledged her existence that entire day (and every day thereafter.) Tired of being the girl who has to be the face of perfection, with her mid–length skirts and knee high socks and a smile to warm a thousand hearts.
It was inevitable, really, that she'd suffer some sort of breakdown. But everyone just assumed she'd have a hissy fit, cry a little and then swiftly become the glee club's new golden couple with Finn. If they thought that, then it was clear they had no idea who Jesse St James was. He was like a virus, taking over every cell in her body until she couldn't even breathe without thinking his name. He beheld an omnipresence that engulfed Rachel completely and she's drowning in his memory with no devices left to save her.
She's in a downward spiral and she just doesn't know how to get out.
-StB-
Shelby's turned up to meet Will and Quinn feels a little faint when she sees Beth asleep in her arms. Puck braces himself and slips an arm around Quinn's waist, his fingers thrumming against the side of her body. Will is just coming off the phone from her fathers who are, understandably, frantically worried. (But not worried enough to come look for her? Yeah, makes sense. Puck doesn't think much of fathers.)
"She's not with Jesse," Shelby informs Will breathlessly and Beth stirs in her arms as Shelby can't quite keep still. "I rang him this morning and he hasn't seen her."
"And you're sure he's telling the truth? He's not exactly what I'd call trustworthy." Will's more than a little sceptical (and rightly so.)
"He wouldn't lie to me," Shelby hopes she's right; she has to be right because if Jesse is lying, she really never will forgive him for this. "Not about this. He has got a heart Will; it's just hidden because it's fragile."
"Rachel's fragile," he gently reminds her and she can only nod in agreement because she feels she's to blame for her fragile state. But she can tell from the pained look on Will's face that he's feeling the same – that they're all feeling the same – each and every one of them can attribute at least some of Rachel's fragility to their own individual actions. If this episode has taught them anything, it's that they all need to be better people. Because Rachel was one of the good ones – one of the best people there was – and for her to be suffering like this is almost hurtful to hear. For Shelby and (unbeknown to the others) for Jesse, it is hurtful to hear.
So when he turns up at McKinley several hours later and Rachel still hasn't been found, and everyone at the school is starting to hear about the news, Jesse get more than a few derogatory looks. And if said looks could kill, Jesse would be buried at least thirty times over.
"I don't think you should be here," Quinn informs Jesse, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. Rachel may have let him in but she's making no such mistake. "Maybe you should leave."
Jesse contemplates Quinn's suggestion carefully and then takes even more care to choose his words. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe I can help her?"
"It didn't, no." Quinn turns her back on Jesse and it's an all too familiar feeling for Jesse. He's forever the heartbreaker, the good guy gone bad. Well he'd prove them wrong.
He'd prove them all wrong.
He leaves his bags on the bonnet of Shelby's car, which naturally sets off the alarm. He uses the commotion as a chance to escape unnoticed but Santana spots him and places a dignified hand on her hip. She doesn't have to say anything but he can tell he's not in her good books. Since Rachel's been out of sync, the entire hierarchy of New Directions has shifted and Santana's blaming it all on Jesse. No surprises there, then.
Jesse just looks her up and down and then disappears, with a brisk pace and a stern face. He's trying to rack every centre of his brain just to think where Rachel Berry would go. But then again, if being Rachel Berry has got her here, maybe she's gone somewhere where she doesn't have to be Rachel Berry anymore. He knows how that feels: why else would he be out the way in UCLA?
But Jesse has never not achieved all he's set out to get (male leads, Shelby's favouritism, Rachel's affections) and finding Rachel (first) is not going to be any different. Her fathers are sick with worry but Jesse, he's sick with anger. He's angry everyone has (himself included) let Rachel get in such a state, he's angry that no one has let him know about it until it might be too late but most of all he's angry he can't go back and change things. Because he thinks that if he could, he might be able to save this fading beauty, from him, from them, from herself.
He almost walks past her completely because the girl who's ten metres in front of him and walking towards him looks nothing like the Rachel Berry he knew. There's no spring in her step, no life in her eyes and no smile gracing the bottom half of her face. In fact, he only takes a second glance because he thinks he recognises the t-shirt and begins to wonder where his one of the same design has gone. And when she walks straight past him, still holding her shoes and ignoring her nausea, he has to take one more look back. And as he sees the heart shaped stain on the back of the shirt from an escaped blob of butter one afternoon, he suddenly realises that that is his shirt. And if that's his shirt, then that must be Rachel.
His throat goes dry and his hands begin to sweat and he rushes back in front of her and grabs her by both her shoulders. He's overcome with shock and sadness and he's at a complete loss of what to do. The stale alcohol and dirt in her nails is everything he hoped he wouldn't see and everything he hoped she wouldn't be. She inhales sharply and then lets her eyes sweep upwards to see who it is who's holding her. And then her eyes widen and emotion washes over her and she shakes her head whilst she tries to pull free. She doesn't want to see him.
She doesn't want him to see her either (not like this.)
-StB-
He grips on to her so tightly he's sure he's going to bruise her, but doesn't she realise he can't let her go? She resists for a while but soon it's too much effort and too much pain and she falls still and silent, just starting at the floor. He's not sure what comes over him but it's like an adrenaline rush because suddenly he knows he has to get her away from here, away from herself.
"Let me take you home," he tells her as he takes the shoes from her hands and slips a familiar arm around her lower back.
"No," she protests, tears forming but not falling. She's done with falling.
"Let me take you home." He's not taking no for an answer but as they walk, he decides his uncles house is nearer and so they head for there instead. She keeps herself stiff and as far away from him as she can manage, but it's hard because he insists on keeping his arm circulated around her body.
When they reach his uncle's – which is a small, modest building and so unlike Jesse – she heads straight for the bathroom and he doesn't need to hear it to know she's throwing up. He takes out his phone and sends a text straight to Shelby – he doesn't want to talk to anyone but Rachel right now, so ringing her is out of the question. Plus, he's now feeling guilty over the guilt trip he played on Shelby and frankly, his thoughts are too full of Rachel to focus on anything – or anyone – else.
I've found Rachel. We're at my uncles.
He debates over telling them were he's taken her but with the police already involved, he decides honesty is the best policy. (If only he'd been honest from the start, then maybe this would never have happened. If he'd been honest, this would never have happened. There's no maybe about it.)
"Jesse?" He quickly sends the message as a voice emerges from the bathroom and she's standing in the empty bathtub in just her bra and tights. It's croaky and quiet and it sounds so alien to his ears. This girl is broken and he's not sure he's got glue strong enough to mend her. He's not sure anyone has. His (sick-covered) shirt is crumpled in her hands and he takes it from her slowly and discards it in the corner. She doesn't know where she is (or who she is) but she wants to know that he's there. He takes both of her hands and laces his fingers with hers and brings his forehead forwards to rest against hers.
"Wait here, just for a minute." He reluctantly leaves her standing in the bath and runs to the front door, opening it slightly. That way if anyone arrives they can just walk in – Rachel's on edge enough as it is, without having the knowledge that people will be wanting to see her, speak to her. He returns to the bathroom with make up wipes and a towel and climbs into the bathtub to stand directly in front of Rachel and wipe the smudges away from her skin. It's an act of cleansing but it's rinsing the both of them of all their mistakes. She thinks he's just helping her because he feels guilty and blames himself, but the truth is, this entire act is helping him too.
He hears people entering downstairs but doesn't alert Rachel to it, merely continuing to wipe the cloth around her face in gentle motions till her face is free from the tear trails and mascara stains. He places a kiss on her forehead and goes to get out the bathtub but she grabs hold of his arm and begs him with her eyes to stay.
"I'm just going to the bin. I'll be right back." She nods, unsure, and watches him leave. He's going to quickly pop downstairs to see Shelby and tell her he's handling things. He doesn't quite expect the turn out he sees when he enters the room and it takes him aback a little to see so many faces. But he greets them all with an unsure nod of the head and sets about his business.
-StB-
"Will, I've got a text from Jesse." Shelby's heart skips and she almost drops Beth as she rushes to tell Will the news. "He's found her. Oh my God, he's found her."
The relief washes through them all as the news is scattered around and Shelby can't help but breathe and grin, clutching Beth tightly to her body. Will quickly lets Rachel's fathers know and informs the police that she's safe. They tell Will they'll be wanting to talk to her later, just to check she's alright and they give Will their number for later on. But Will just wants to go and see for himself that Rachel's alright and tells Shelby the two of them should go and see her and Jesse.
"Mr Schue, we're coming too." It's not a question but a statement from Mercedes. "Rachel's one of us now."
"I think it would be best if we gave her a little space, just for today."
"Have you ever felt so alone that you couldn't talk to anyone, Mr Schue?" Quinn has, many a time, and that's why she knows they should all go. Because maybe then Rachel will realise she's not alone, just like Quinn realised she wasn't either. "Rachel needs to know we're there for here, all of us."
Will hasn't got the energy to argue with all of them so between himself, Shelby and the school's minibus, they manage to take the whole glee club to Jesse's uncle's house. The journey is a little fraught, with Quinn, Puck and Santana in the back of Shelby's car, listening to Beth gurgle away in the front seat. Santana watches as Quinn shifts uncomfortably and Puck steadies her hand in his. She never has anything like that and it's almost enough to make her want to find it. Almost.
When they arrive, Shelby walks to the door first, Will holding Beth just behind and she finds the door's already unlatched. She pushes it and calls out for Jesse, beckoning the others to come and congregate in the living room. The house is small but they all fit in, sitting in an awkward silence as they wait for movement from upstairs. Brittany sits with her head on Santana's shoulder and Quinn rests daintily on top of Puck's lap. Finn and Will sit beside one another on the sofa because being next to Will gives Finn some sort of strength and being next to Finn gives Will some added sincerity. Tina and Artie are to join them later – Artie has a doctor's appointment and he didn't want to go alone. Beth balances on Shelby's hip and the rest of the glee club stand around, sharing concerned glances with whoever they happen to catch eyes with. They're all desperate to know if Rachel and Jesse are here, but no-one's brave enough to go and have a look (mostly because they're already haunted by images of a girl who's not quite Rachel but is entirely her too.)
Eventually they hear someone descend the stairs and Jesse appears, a little shell-shocked to see so many faces staring back at him. He bypasses them all into the kitchen, disposes of the wipes and then comes back to face them all.
He hopes they don't ask if she's okay, because it's pretty clear she's not and he doesn't know what else to say if they ask. They don't, but Shelby's eyes watch him and he gives her another curt nod (it's the only form of speech he can muster) before returning to the kitchen to pour Rachel a glass of water. Shelby sighs heavily and hoists Beth up slightly, who grumbles and then quietens. The whole house is quiet until they hear the shower turn on from upstairs and a small, helpless yelp from what they assume is Rachel. Jesse hears it and runs back up the stairs, two at a time, leaving the tap running downstairs, and the glass he left dangerously near the edge wobbles before falling to the floor and smashing. It's Rachel epitomised and that's when Shelby decides she needs to see her.
Rachel's closed the door and is trying to clean herself up, but she can't get the shower to work properly and she's ended up sitting in the bathtub biting back the tears. She hears Jesse approach the door and cries out for him not to enter, but he does anyway, kneeling beside the bathtub, a look of unease and trepidation alienating his usual worry-free features. She's a little bit embarrassed to have him knelt beside her in the bathtub, him fully clothed whilst she's the complete opposite and though she's more than aware that he's seen it all before (albeit not on her), she can't help but feel her cheeks burn ferociously as his hand touches the bare skin of her back. She sits in the empty bath tub with her knees tightly bunched against her chest and her arms wrapped tightly around her knees. The side of her head rests atop her knees and she's resting it so he can't see her face because she doesn't want him to see her cry. He gently sorts out the shower and holds it against her back for a while, letting the water cascade down her skin. When she begins to visibly relax and not look so stiff, he moves the shower head up in an attempt to wash her hair. He doesn't quite know what's in it, but he knows he needs to make it clean, make her clean, to make her feel better.
Shelby leaves the living room and Quinn, Puck and Mercedes follow her up the stairs. Finn and Will want to go – it's clear from their faces – but if Rachel's having a shower, they decide it's possibly not the best time. Jesse's left the door ajar and it breaks Quinn's heart to see Jesse gently washing the water over Rachel's back. She looks so small sat in the bathtub and Jesse's height does nothing to help it. Shelby exhales a sigh of sorrow and Puck finds it hard to breathe. Mercedes quickly returns to relay what's she's seen and the silence resumes in living room below.
Jesse moves from the side of the bath to sit upon the ledge and gently lathers her hair with fresh smelling shampoo. His fingertips massage her head and her skin and she wants to cry even more because he's being so gentle, so caring. She gets a shiver as he runs his hands through her hair and down her sides and then back up again. She feels incredibly exposed but exceedingly safe too and she doesn't want him to stop what he's doing. As he begins to wash off the shampoo, she finally lifts her head and stares straight ahead whilst he strokes her hair down her back and rinses all the bad things away. She's stopped crying; he can tell from the way her body no longer convulses every so often, so he turns off the shower and fetches her the towel he brought earlier. He doesn't notice the three of them – four including Beth – on the stairs outside the bathroom and stands with the towel outstretched, his eyes tightly closed. It's clear he means for her to get out but he's doing her the decency of trying not to look. She stands up in the bathtub and he takes a gentle step towards her, opening one eye to guide himself forwards and wraps the towel underneath her armpits and all the way around her back. She lets herself fall into him and he manages to lift her out the bathtub and place her flat on the floor in front of him. Her wet hair goes straight through his shirt but he doesn't care: he wants to feel everything she's going through, and more.
They stand, merged, for a short while but they eventually hear Beth start to whinge and the door creaks further ajar. Shelby stands there, rocking Beth in her arms and Quinn stands behind, Puck's hands on her waist. Shelby's eyes are red and sore-looking and give her away completely.
"I'm sorry," Rachel breathes and Shelby motions towards her, handing Beth to Quinn who wants to protest but Puck shakes his head: now is not the time. Rachel needs Shelby right now and they all owe it to Rachel to be there for her. Jesse takes this as proof that his work here is done and goes to leave before they remember how much they all hate him, but a small hand takes a strong hold on his and suddenly, he's starting to grasp just how much of an effect he's had on this girl. He squeezes her hand and then lets it go because he done a lot of growing up during these months in UCLA and he's realised that sometimes, there's someone else better for the job. And right now, that's Shelby. Jesse ushers Puck and Quinn down with him and Quinn quickly hands Beth over to Jesse. He doesn't protest – he doesn't have the will power to – and merely enters the living room, kicking the shattered glass he dropped earlier to the corner.
"How's Rachel?" Jesse's not entirely sure who's speaking but he believes it to be Santana. He doesn't want to face them because he more than aware they all hate him (and why wouldn't they?) so he busies himself in the kitchen, trying to balance Beth on his hip and not let it show that this is actually getting to him.
"A bit of a mess," he doesn't see the point in lying – it's done him no justice in the past. "But she'll get there."
"What you did for her –" Quinn's a little choked; she never imagined anyone could be that gentle, certainly not Jesse.
"Anyone would have done it," he cuts her off quickly and dares a quick glance at Puck, who nods to show his appreciation. "Really, it was nothing."
It was far from nothing – it's never nothing when it's Jesse – but he doesn't want them to think he's some kind of hero (which they don't.) He's done some awful, unthinkable things but he's trying to put them right and if she'll let him, he wants to try and put Rachel right too.
When she finally comes down to face them all, after having borrowed some clothes from various other people (Jesse's shirt, a spare skirt of Santana's and Will's jacket), it's a relief to see the faint remnants of a smile on her face. She quickly searches the room for Jesse and the smile grows when she sees he hasn't even noticed she's come down because he's stood with his back to the living room, trying to amuse Beth who he's sat on the kitchen unit. It's a little overwhelming to have so many people stare at her and she wishes one of them would just say something. When someone does speak, it's not what she was prepared for, but it breaks the ice pretty well.
"Can someone get Shelby; I think the baby needs changing."
-StB-
Jesse turns around, holding Beth away from his body at arms length and suddenly sees Rachel staring back at him. Shelby takes Beth upstairs and Jesse takes Rachel by the hand and leads her upstairs too. He shuts them in his uncles bedroom because they really need to talk in private, but it's pretty much a given everyone else will be crowing outside the bedroom door after three or so minutes. (It's not quite everyone, Will protests he holds a moral high ground over the matter and Brittany's fallen asleep so they stay put downstairs.)
Jesse manages a brief, fleeting smile as he sits atop the bed, his legs crossed and his hands in his lap. She copies his position completely (minus the smile) and waits for him to speak.
"Feeling cleaner?" It's such a stupid question and no way to speak to the girl whose heart he broke, but words aren't exactly coming thick and fast in this situation. She nods, a little sheepishly and attempts a smile, which falters almost instantly. He takes both her hands and runs his thumbs over the tops of her knuckles, keeping his eyes on her hands and away from her face. She straightens up, lifts her own head and blinks a back a few tears.
"I feel I ought to thank you for, you know, what you did earlier." It's harder talking to him than she thought it would be, because she's kept this bottled up for so long, to finally speak with him is not giving her release she thought she'd reach. Instead, it feels stalled and erratic and a far cry from the easy conversations they used to share. He hates the fact she's thanking him because he doesn't deserve it at all. They're both clearly aware that they have a lot of unresolved business but right now, he's just glad she's safe (and alive.)
"I wish you'd have called me, Rachel." It's a weakness to cry – they both firmly believe that – but it's a revelation to her that he still holds some sort of candle for her.
"I couldn't –" She sits with bated breath because these words are the hardest she's ever going to have to say. "Not after-"
He lifts a hand from hers and places a finger on her lips, which tremble at the touch. Her eyes flicker upwards as she tries to stop a tear from falling, but it's inevitable and he catches it on his forefinger and smoothes down her skin with his thumb. He can feel the difference in her – and not just on her skin. He's not sure who she is right now but he knows who he is and he's going to mend her. Whatever it takes.
"How long?" How long have you felt like this? How long has this been going on? How long were you going to keep this up for? How long would have had left if we hadn't found you? He doesn't quite know which question he's asking, but he's scared to say too much because he knows the answers aren't what he wants to hear.
"A couple of months." Since he left for UCLA in other words. "It's not always this.." She deliberates, deciding how best to put it, until she realises, there's no easy way to put it. "It's not always this bad; it fades sometimes, rises at others. And Jesse?"
He finally looks at her – right at her – and he swears she can see his soul. "Jesse, it wasn't all your fault."
No, but a lot of it was and he can't ever forgive himself for that. He whisked her away into his world of wonder, taking her away from all she'd known to show her his way of life. And then he left her, expecting her to just slot back in as if nothing had happened. Well he'd learnt the hard way that that just isn't possible. Her eyes are so tired he thinks his heart literally breaks and he rests his forehead against her neck because he can't bear to see her face. She rests her chin on top of his head and feels just the smallest drop of liquid fall just below her collar bone: Jesse's letting just a few tears drop in her lap and if it weren't so ironic, it might even have been mildly humorous. It's a heartbreaking picture; the broken girl and the boy who broke her.
"I really messed up, didn't I?" He's not really sure if he's speaking more to himself or to Rachel, but she replies anyway, mainly because the silence that she's grown accustomed to is usually what sets her off on her one way path to self destruction.
"Yes, you did." He thinks he hears a smile as she says it and he lifts himself from under her head to see the briefest glance of teeth, tongue and lips. "We all did."
"You didn't do anything." Well he's got that wrong. Rachel's aware of her input in the thoroughly trivial Run, Joey, Run debacle and the love triangle(s) she vested herself in. But it's more than that.
"I stopped believing in myself, Jesse. I've never done that before. I've never been that.. that weak before, you know? And I hate myself for it."
What she does next surprises him the most. She laughs, and though it's a little bitter and little contrived, it lights up her eyes just for a second.
"It's ironic, that, if you think about it. When I fall Jesse, I fall hard. And I don't just mean for you, I mean in every aspect of my life. I fell in love, I fell out of love, I fell out of sync, out of touch, out of-"
"Sight?" He wants to tell her how worried he was when Shelby rang. How he felt physically sick that something awful might have happened to her. But then, when he looks at her face, really looks at her face, he sees that something awful did happen to her. More than once.
"I needed to get away; it's just so stifling all the time. There were so many expectations before regionals, my dads, Mr Schue, myself and when that didn't happen, it was like everyone was waiting for me to falter. At least I didn't disappoint."
Another laugh, more moist and heartfelt this time. He guesses that all this time, she's just needed to talk. And since he was the one she always used to go to, his absence meant her talking just stopped.
"You bloody scared me, Berry." He's trying to sound a little nonchalant but Rachel's no fool. She's baring her soul to him right now; the least he could do it give her the same. "Don't do this again, will you?"
His brow furrows just a little and he waits on her answer with bated breath. He needs to know she won't ever do this again and the fear in his eyes tells her he's being terribly serious about this.
"I won't let it get this far again, I can't. I don't think I'd survive another trip." It's not a promise but it's a start and that's enough for him for now. He mimics their position from earlier, replacing her head under his neck, resting his cheek on top of her freshly cleaned hair. And as they sit in silence he realises he's not going to sit and tell her she's the best girl in the world and that he can't live without her. He's not going to tell her she's worth more than anything because he really shouldn't have to. And she'll figure it out in her own time anyway. He doesn't plan to profess his undying love to her or insist they reunite; instead, he plans just to kiss her gently on the lips and whisper goodbye, before he catches his plane and gets on with his life. It's not what he really wants, but he's learnt that not everything is about him anymore.
There's not a dry eye outside the door, though Kurt insists it's the dust that's affecting the moisture in his eyes. They know they shouldn't eavesdrop but they're as bad as Jesse: they need to know she's alright if only to lessen the pain of their guilt. Shelby's at the door too, having left Beth down with Will. She's got no right to ask Rachel all she needs to know, so she settles for listening like the rest of them.
"You know, when you walked out on me that day in glee club, I thought I was never going to smile again. And then when you walked out of my life altogether, I-" She trails off because those sorts of thoughts aren't going to get her anywhere. She takes a deep breath, steadies her voice and finally admits all that was haunting her (and all that continues to do so today.) "You'll never know how hard it was not to cry so many times. In the car park, on that stage, in Shelby's dressing room."
She swallows and bites her lips to keep the tears from falling. She's kept them in this far – she's not going to surrender to them now.
"For a moment back then, I had everything I'd ever wanted. I had friends and dreams and goals. A boyfriend and best friend all in one. A mother, two fathers – a life worth living."
Shelby's not sure she wants to listen anymore because she knows what part comes next.
"And then I lost it all in the space of a day. I could have got through losing you if we'd got regionals in return. And I could have forgiven Shelby if I hadn't lost you." He wishes she wouldn't carry on because he already knows what she's feeling. It was too much to lose and the memory of her face when they announced his team as champions will haunt him to grave, he's sure of it. The way she struggled to swallow a sob and how the tears burnt at her eyes and though she willed herself not to look, she lost an internal battle and saw him hug Shelby – her mother, not his – as they took everything she'd ever wanted without a second thought for how she would feel. "Sometimes you can want something too much; I realise that now."
"I didn't mean to take it all from you." He needs her to understand that not everything that happened was planned. Not really. Some things just happened and he might be Jesse St James, but he can't control everything (try as he might.) "Shelby, the trophy, I'd give them back if I could."
"But you can't." A sad smile is etched on her face and sewn on his heart.
"Would you believe me if I said I never wanted you to get hurt?" She doesn't answer until he opens his eyes because she knows he needs the reassurance, or else he'll end up like she is now (and she wouldn't wish that on anyone.) She envelopes him in her arms and squeezes him so tight like she's scared that if she lets go, she'll end up back where she was and she's not sure she can face those demons again. She beckons him close and whispers in his ear, a string of sentences he never thought he'd hear. The others wait at the door except Shelby, who's not sure how much more heartache she can face in her life. They don't know what she whispers and they probably never will.
The two emerge several minutes later, heavy eyes and heavy hearts. But she's mending – bit by bit – and he's told her he'll be there to keep applying the (metaphorical) glue.
And they all will be too, however long it takes.
-Epilogue-
It takes her three months to become that opinionated, flawless, outgoing girl again. But she reaches it steadily and never looks back. Her demons lay to rest in a box called 'The Year That Never Was' and she's not tempted to look in it, not once. Why?
Because she realised she still has a purpose. That she still has friends and dreams and goals (her glee club, that trophy, those standing ovations.) And she's learnt that in life, you should only ever compete for yourself, not for anyone else because no-one will give you as much recognition. Quinn drives her to school and Finn walks her home; her dads are reluctant to ever leave her alone and Tina and Artie always check she's okay to the point where she almost wants to tattoo the words 'I'm fine' to her forehead. But that would be silly, because she's not always okay.
And on days like those, she dials his number and he picks up the phone and she's already half way to feeling better. It's not quite perfect and it's by far not the best solution, but he's her boyfriend and her soul mate and he's never going to let her down (never again.) And Quinn's decided she's not going to let her down either. In fact, none of them are.
"You know, you could have told us how you were feeling." What Quinn's really saying is you could have told me. "I would have listened, eventually."
Rachel dares a grin and nudges Quinn with her elbow. "And then relayed it back to everyone else in glee club."
"Those days are far behind me," Quinn admits with a tightened smile. "Thankfully."
"And my worst days are far behind me." Rachel can finally admit that they are because she hasn't felt that low in so long, it's almost like it was all just a bad dream. But Quinn's silent because she still doesn't understand how Rachel can let Jesse back in, after everything he did. But Rachel's become quite the expert in reading people's mind, especially since they spend so much of their day just staring at her to ensure she's alright. "You still don't trust him, do you?"
"I'll admit he was a godsend when we lost you but.." She licks her lips quickly as she pauses. "I don't wholly trust him, no. But then again, I don't wholly trust any man Rachel, so if he's what you want, then I'm happy for you."
It means a great deal to Rachel who beams and then yawns. But never again will she be tired of being Rachel Berry because she's discovered being Rachel Berry is a pretty good person to be. And she has forgiven Jesse for all that he did because hitting rock bottom and seeing no way up really puts things into perspective.
She calls Jesse most weeks and he visits when he can and it always takes them a little while to adjust every time they come face to face. But as the months go by, it gets easier every time and before long the awkwardness is over with a quick embrace and they're back to being two teenagers, overly lightheaded in the early throes of love.
And she'll never forget how he saved her and he'll never forget how he broke her, but sometimes in order to fix something, you have to find the root cause of the breakage. And when you've fixed that too, everything becomes stronger as a result.
And that's what they are: stronger. And when they're together, they're strongest of all. And because no-one thought they'd get here – that she'd get here – it's makes it all the more uplifting that they have.
A/N: I know, I know, it's so not Rachel it's hilarious. But this idea kept itching at me to be written and so I obliged (I never am very good at saying no.) And I know the ending is a little vague, but if I didn't write it like that, I don't really know where I would have stopped it, so sorry about that.
And I know there are millions of other, stupid little things wrong with it, like the fact it's pretty unlikely Jesse's uncle has make up wipes in his house (unless he has female friends over to stay a lot) but I'd get too bogged down with pointlessness to explain where they came from. Jesse just happens to find them. (This is Jesse St James, he could probably find Atlantis if he wanted.) Not to mention the missing reconciliation with Shelby and conversations she undoubtedly would have with Will when she returned to school. But I figured it was long enough at it was (I'm still in awe myself) so you'll have to forgive me for my (many) mistakes and I hope you enjoyed it.