The girl in the closet

(Hige)

I heard two knocks coming from the inside of my closet. It was May's way of asking me to fetch her some food. It was about a year ago that she began to live in my closet and, to be true; I was kind of tired to have to take care of her. But, it wasn't the worst of all… Since my sister had given up on the outside world, all the ambitions my parents had for her were left for me to fulfill. It felt like they were asking me to fill her shoes. One day, they'll have to understand that I am not her. I have my own dreams and they don't need me to have good grades at school. I want to travel and see the wold, but there is no way to convince my parents to help me with my project. They say I'm too young, that it's too dangerous out there, but I feel that if I wait too long, I'll spend all my life in this town. I decided that I would go on a trip by my own means for an undetermined time. I think they would say I'm running away from home, but since I'm telling everyone, I prefer the word "journey".

There is only one thing I will miss from my old life: my friend Jessie. But, it's not like I'm going forever… And I know it would be selfish to ask her to come with me… Furthermore, a personal growth journey as to be made alone.

(Jessie)

The name is Jessie Green. Don't dare to call me Jessica, only my mother calls me like that; she knows how to get on my nerves. Life is hell; it's like all was planned out for me by my mother. She wants me to succeed her at the head of her shop, but I don't like to interact with people much, plus I suck in math so I don't really see myself studying in Business Management. I would really like to find a job where I wouldn't be with my mom all day long; it's hard enough to cope with her as it is. And if I want to find a good job, I have to pass my math this year otherwise I might not get my diploma. So, I asked Hige for help and she said yes since she didn't work tonight. She told me that we should go at her house so her sister could help us. We made a stop at my house, so I could get my stuff. Suddenly, my mother yelled:

- Jessica, honey bee, is that you?

- Shit, it's my mom; we have to get out of here, I whispered to my friend.

- Jeesiicaa! Oh, you're here. I see you brought a friend or… Is she your girlfriend?

- It's not what you think! Why are you always acting like this? Stop trying to act like you're my best friend! I'm your daughter and I have the right to keep my private life private!

- You never talk to me about anything! When you come here, you always go directly to your room! Most time, I only know you're here when you play the guitar! You know I need help at the shop! I'm trying to hire someone else, but for now you could, at least, help me while you're here! And, how could I know your friend didn't know about your orientation! I was just trying to make a little joke! How could I know that she would flee…

- What, I interrupted her, she fled!? Are you happy now? Tomorrow all the school will know I'm a lesbian because of you!

- If she's really your friend, she won't do that…

My life was already hard like that; all I needed was a ticking bomb running around town. I really hope I can find her and convince her to keep my secret… Thank god, she's only waiting for me in the staircase.

- Sorry I fled…, she apologised. You were having a fight with your mom and I didn't want to get harmed in the crossfire.

I sat beside her.

- So, you really are a lesbian…, she continued.

- What, you knew? How did you guess?

- Beside the fact that you want everyone to call you Jessie, that you dress kind of boyish and that you seem to really like rainbows?

- Hey, Jessie is a really cool name, boyish is trendy and rainbows are very stylish.

- Well, there's also the way you look at me sometimes… It makes me blush and my heart goes: "pater, pater", she confessed whit the appropriate gestures.

- Hige, I pronounced as my hand reached for her hair.

She stopped my hand and said:

- I'm just kidding! I'm strait; at least I think so… You know, I could pretend to be bisexual just for tonight!

- I don't think that's a good idea.

- I was sure you would jump on the occasion…

- Hey, I'm not the type to jump on everyone, I explained. I don't mean that I don't think you're cute, but I know that even if we would do it, we would remain friends. For you it would only be an experiment, but I'm more romantic than that… Not that I would like to keep my fist time for the honey moon, but I want to do it with someone who loves me back.

- Such a shame… (She suddenly changed the subject.) While we're talking about it, how did your mother found out about your orientation? From what I gathered, you're not the best of friends…

- You saw her, so you have an idea of what she's like. She's always on my case like that. You know those annoying aunts that ask you every time they see you if you got a boyfriend? My mother is exactly like that, except she's my mom… So, after a while I blurted out that I was a lesbian. I was kind of hopping she would stop projecting her unachieved dreams on me.

- Did it work, she asked.

- In fact, she was worst for a while; she was really worried for my future. Now, she's back to normal or, at least, her definition of normal. I'm really happy that I told her. It's like I can finally be more honest with myself. Plus, because of that, I have a friend who knows about it and accept it! Now, can we go study?

(Hige)

It was the first time that Jessie came at my house. I knocked two times on my closet door while she was looking around. Two knocks came from the inside of my closet. I looked at my friend, she was all white.

- Don't worry, I told her. It's human. May, I said louder, I need your help to study for my math exam.

The door opened slowly. When the girl inside caught a sight of Jessie, she wanted to close back the door, but my feet was already in the way.

- Tut, tut, you're coming outside; I said taking her by the hand to the exit. As soon as she was out, I locked the door, so she couldn't go back where she came from.

- You lied to me, complained my sister on the verge of tears.

- Come on, don't be such a drama queen, I only forgot to mention that I brought a friend with me.

- My name is Jessie; she introduced herself as she shook my sister's hand. Is it me, or did we already met somewhere?

- Oh, I realised, did I forgot to mention we were twins?

(May)

And, just like that, Jessie started to study here when my sister was there, but it wasn't enough for her. I suppose that is why she is here today while Hige's working. I won't open the door for her.

- Come on, May, get out of there.

I kept silent.

- Please, I really need to study…

Again, I didn't answer. Maybe she'll give up thinking I'm not there.

- I will go then…

She's really giving up that easily. I knew I was a lost cause.

- Are you crying?

She's still here!

- I don't know why you're locking yourself away in that closet, but I'm not mean; I wouldn't hurt you. You're safe here, in this house. I'm friend whit your sister, I don't see why I couldn't be friends whit you.

- No more friends, not again… I was trick by people who pretended to be my friends; I can no longer trust people so easily. Friendship is so fragile, so easy to fake… If I have to trust someone, I need something more to unite us. Hige is my twin sister, so I can trust her completely, but you, you're no one and I don't even know you.

- Exactly, why would I hurt you? I don't even know you. I have no reason to hate you. If you don't open that door, I will understand, but I will be so disappointed and even if I might be upset against you for a while, I'll know that you couldn't help it. I'm able to study by myself even if it might not be as useful, but I thought you actually wanted to help me, that somewhere, you wanted to be useful to someone instead of staying like this, away from life itself.

Being useful to someone…

- Okay, I will try to help you.

(Hige)

Recently, my sister May started to act weirdly. Since Jessie came in my absence, she began to ask a bunch of questions about her. I'm happy that she's trying to make a friend, but if we consider Jessie orientation, it could lead to something more than friendship and I don't like the idea. I mean: I like Jessie and all, but I would be really uncomfortable if she were to be with my sister. It's not that I'm not opened enough, but I'm sure it would be kind of awkward since May looks like me a lot. So, to be assured that nothing would happen between them, I told my sister that Jessie was my girlfriend. I avoided the most obvious flaw of that lie by telling her that we were discrete in public, for obvious reasons, but that when we were alone together I was all over her (which was mostly true). I told her that we began to go out together recently and that we were trying to keep it secret because we were afraid of people reactions. I told her how I kissed her while she was asleep and how it got us from friends to something more. I had a lot of fun to tell her about some parallel world where Jessie and I would be together.

I confessed to my sister that I would work all summer so I could elope just before the beginning of the school year. She wasn't so happy to hear the news.

- Jessie could take care of you in my steed, you know.

- I cannot ask her to do that!

Is it me or May is suddenly being reasonable?

- I not angry with you because you're leaving me alone, she said. I can understand that you might be tired of taking care of me, but I cannot tolerate that you're throwing out your ideal life like that! You have an awesome girlfriend and many friends at school, I'm sure; you have a good job; you're good at school, even if you need my help sometimes. I don't understand what you want more!

- Adventure!, I declared.

- I'm so jealous of you! My life was destroyed, burned down, broken into small pieces that I now have to glue together. It's hard for me to let you throw your life in the garbage hoping to find a better one. One day, you'll surely regret doing that!

- But, if I don't go on this personal growth trip now, I might regret it all my life! And, if you're so jealous of my life, try living it in my place!

- It's okay, I understand, I said. Your decision is already taken; there is nothing I can argue that will change your projects. I would only like to be independent by the time you're gone, could you help me with that?

- No, I have to work, but I know someone who might agree to help you.

(May)

My sister Hige somehow convinced Jessie to help me with my project.

- Are you sure you're okay with that?, she asked. I mean, I'm not your friend or anything…

- It's okay, I answered. It's your way to repay me for all the tutoring I gave you. Plus, I'm trying to be more sociable.

- Can we be friends, then?

- I'm not ready yet.

- So, I'm only your body guard or something like that?, she asked.

- Yeah, that would be perfect. You can consider it like a job; I can even pay you for it.

- Don't worry about it; your sister will pay me.

Oh, it's true, she's Hige's girlfriend… I guess she's only helping me because my sister asked her to do it. I should be able to trust her; after all she really must be receiving something in exchange… She's only trying to be my friend because she thinks it's better to have good relationships with her girlfriend's family… I would have like to always be able to count on my sister, even if I know it's not okay. Now, she's going far away from me. I have to take this opportunity to grow up. For the first time, I feel like I stayed in my closet for too long.

- Are you ready to go, Jessie ask me.

- Okay.

She took me by the hand and guided me outside. Outside, at last. Will I be able to find my dream life there?

To be continued…

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