'You know that guy you see outside that little hut…the shifty looking guy that is smoking death sticks at 9 am and you just know he could kill a bunch of 7 year olds without blinking. The guy that you think that maybe…if you got to know me…you'd find out that I'm really not that bad of a guy? Well…you are an idiot. Because I am just as bad as you think I am.
'Hi…my name is Anakin.'
&
2 years before the Fall of the Republic
Anakin groaned, pulling the dark haired woman he was with over to the wall of the Dex's Diner, trying to make out with her and drink his blue milk at the same time.
'About 3 years ago, I was out drinking when I ran into this firecracker.'
Anakin smiled stupidly. "Your ass got smaller, Sabe."
'That was not Sabe.'
"My name is Padme." The senator managed to get out, half wasted herself.
"…you got a huge ass, Padme."
Padme grinned. "Why thank you!"
'She kept buying me drinks and later that night, we got married. Now, you might think getting so drunk that you marry the most annoying woman in the galaxy would be a reason to stop drinking. I thought it was a great reason to keep drinking.'
&
1 year before the Fall of the Republic
Padme whimpered, the droids murmuring as they helped her as best they could.
'It wasn't long before we decided that it was time to have some children of our own.'
Anakin stepped forward to accept the little bundles the droid had delivered.
'There they were…'
Anakin quirked an eyebrow, staring at Padme, who blushed a bright red, then back down at the two very clearly black children, the boy bald and the girl with two afros, one on each side of her head.
'There they were…Luke and Leia'
&
Anakin sat in his room at the temple, Padme trying to iron his shirts while Luke and Leia crawled about the floor.
'Some people may wonder why I stayed with a cheating wife and 2 little brats that weren't even mind. Well, I know just as many people wonder why Padme stayed with a jerkass Jedi who had to hide his marriage from anyone.'
Anakin looked up. "Obi-Wan's coming."
Padme grumbled as she ducked down behind a counter, Anakin shoving Luke and Leia under the couch.
"Hello there." Obi Wan said, looking around. "Did I hear babies in here?"
"Nope." Anakin said.
"Squee!" Leia let out.
Anakin tapped his chest with his fist. "er…excuse me."
&
'Yea, life was good. But then the Emperor came to me with a deal: Join the dark side, and I would get all the money and power I could want. I was on easy street…until…'
&
"I HATE YOU!" Anakin screamed at Obi Wan as the Jedi Master left his friend and former Padawan to die at the bed of a lava river.
&
'I awoke in a medical center several weeks later. At first, I thought the Emperor had saved me and brought me here. Turns out I was half right. The Emperor had brought me here, but then he'd been captured by Obi Wan. Turns out my old master realized that maybe the reason Yoda lost to Palpatine was because Yoda was 800 years old. When Palpatine fought someone young, it turned out he wasn't that good at all.'
&
Anakin groaned, half doped up from the morphine. He stared up at the ceiling, his entire body encased in bandages.
"Hey hubby!" Padme said happily, skipping in.
"Hi Padme." Anakin said lazily.
"HEY ANAKIN!"
Anakin blinked. "Mace…Mace Windu?"
"HOW'S IT GOING, ANAKIN?"
"Why are you shouting, Mace?"
"I AIN'T SHOUTING! WHEN YOU AND THE EMPEROR THREW ME OUT THAT WINDOW, IT DAMAGED MY VOCAL CORDS! THIS IS HOW I TALK NOW!"
"Oh…sorry Mace."
"NO PROBLEM ANAKIN!"
Padme handed Anakin a legal document. "Hey, could you do me a favorite and sign this little piece of paper for me?"
"Sure…" Anakin said, eyes glazed over. "Anakin…J…Skywalker…"
Padme grinned. "Thanks. Oh, by the way, you need to come get your stuff. Mace is moving in with me…I think we might even get married."
"But…we're married." Anakin argued.
"Not anymore." She tapped the papers. "It's for the best…Luke and Leia should be with their daddy." She patted Anakin on the head, the former Jedi screaming in pain. "Bye Anakin."
"BYE ANAKIN!" Mace said.
&
'Now, I've never been a complainer…but laying there, burnt to a crisp and with no arms and legs…with no home or wife…and shunned by the galaxy…I might have cried if I weren't afraid of someone seeing me.
'But then it happened. I was flipping through the channels when I say…it.'
Up on the television screen, Anakin watched as Max Rebo, the blue elephant-like alien, was interviewed by some reporter.
"Max…you have millions of dollars, several girlfriends, and no one has ever called you an emo Jedi-bitch…what is your secret."
Max shrugged. "I believe that if you do good things, good things will happen…you know…karma."
'There it was…Karma. More than the force, more than any belief taught to me by the Jedi…there was something I could hang my hat upon…passed to me through Max Rebo's nose/mouth to my burnt off ears.'
&
Anakin sighed as he sat on the hard sandstone bench inside moisture farm, a pad of paper in his hand.
'When I was able to get out of the hospital, I moved in with my stepbrother Owen. Good guy…'
"Anakin…oh God, Anakin…there is someone watching me threw the window in the bathroom…"
"That's a mirror, Owen."
'…just a bit slow.'
"What are you working on?" Owen asked, peering over Anakin's shoulder.
"A list."
"Of what?"
"A list of every bad thing I've ever done."
Owen nodded. "Like when you liberated that planet of puppies from that evil overlord?"
"That was a good thing, Owen." Anakin said.
"Not for the overlord…you should add that to the list."
Anakin considered this. "I'll think about it."
"Why are you doing that?" Owen asked, sitting down next to him.
Anakin sighed. "Owen, look at me. I'm a 22 year old with mommy issues whose wife left him for the head of the Jedi council, I have none of my natural limbs, and my body is still healing from getting a lava bath. If I didn't have my lush hair, I'd kill myself." He stood up, pacing. "I realized in that hospital that I haven't done nearly the amount of good things I wanted to. If I had, maybe I wouldn't have such a crappy life. If I want things to get better, I need to be better." He tossed the list to Owen. "I mean, just read all this!"
Owen nodded, unfolding the paper as Anakin headed out of the domed house. "Number 23…peed in the back of a clone shuttle."
"I'm no longer proud of that." Anakin said.
"Number 41…snatched some Jawas candy when he came to our slave quarters Trick-or-Treating."
"I understand that that was bad."
"Number 102-harmed or even killed people with second hand death stick smoke." Owen threw up his hands. "Now how the hell are you going to fix al this stuff?"
"I don't know…I'll start on the easy ones…like this one, number 64."
"Picked on Greedo? How are we going to even find Greedo…hell, how are we even going to manage."
"What do you mean?"
"Anakin…I farm for moisture on a desert planet…that's like trying to find a Kenny G album that doesn't suck. I barely make enough to keep the family in blue milk…and with you living here…how are we…"
"Anakin, Anakin Skywalker?" A droid asked as he rolled up to the door.
"Yes?"
"I am 7Y-T4D, of the messenger service Deus, Ex, and Machina. I am here to deliver to you this check for 100,000 credits…your paycheck from the Empire. Seeing as the Empire no longer exists, this will be your only check. Also, I am going to blow myself up just so no one can question where the money came from."
The droid then exploded.
"…that was easy."
&
'I decided I want to make things up to Greedo as soon as possible, to ensure my life got better. It already was getting better…I'd managed to buy a sweet speeder, and Owen convinced his friend Beru to join us.'
Owen sat in the back of the speeder, downing blue milk as fast as he could. Beru sat next to him, watching him go.
"Is that where Greedo lives?" She asked.
"Nah." Anakin said. "Greedo moved away, that's his parent's house. Owen will figure it out though." Anakin snatched the blue milk from Owen's hand.
"Hey!"
"That's 3. You can have more when you find out Greedo's address."
Beru frowned. "Why 3?" She questioned as Owen walked towards the home.
"Owen lies best when he's had three blue milks. Anymore and he tends to get a bit…crazy." Anakin wiggled his eyebrows. "Now then, since we ditched him…lets make with the kissing."
"What?" Beru exclaimed. "Anakin…Owen is my husband."
"But…I called dibs."
"We…are…married…"
"Did he call dibs?"
Beru sighed. "no." She grumbled, pulling off her shirt.
&
Inside the house, Owen smiled happily as Greedo's parents talked with him.
"So you are collecting stories for a book on Mos Espa?" Greedo's mother asked. "How nice…I'll get his address for you."
"I would be so thankful if you would." Owen said politely.
"Would you like a blue milk?" Greedo's father asked.
"…yes…yes I would."
&
Anakin adjusted his robes. "Don't worry, that will come right out if you Shout it."
"AAAAAA!"
"What was that?" Beru asked, her hair a mess. Anakin and her looked up in time to see Owen running back to the speeder, panic filling his features.
&
Several Minutes Ago…
Owen downed another blue milk, eyes crossed as he burped.
"I think I have the phone book right here…" Greedo's mom said, bending down to retrieve it. Greedo grinned, slapping Greedo's father's shoulder.
"Dibs."
'If you were wondering how many blue milks Owen has to drink to make a pass at another man's wife…who has already been dibbed…17 seems to be the magic number."
&
'I spent a whole week watching Greedo, observing him. I noticed that he had a lot of stuff, which would make me trying to make up with him harder. He had a good job as a bounty hunter, a nice house, and a powder blue Le Speeder. However, I noticed he was lonely, which made me realize exactly what he needed.'
"I need to get his blaster polished." Anakin said, entering the farm house.
"I have some blaster polish…" Beru said.
"I mean get him laid…sex."
Owen frowned. "I'm not sleeping with him."
"Oh…I have someone better in mind."
&
Anakin and Owen drove their speeder towards the Senate building, watching everyone leave. "There."
'After Padme, there was only one other woman who was the biggest slut in the galaxy: Mon Montha. She was so easy, she'd slept with droid she thought was Christopher Walken. Innocent mistake, sure…'
"Head Anakin." Mon said, nodding at Owen. "It Owen's birthday again?"
"Nah…we have something else in mind…"
&
Anakin and Owen were seated in their speeder, which was parked outside of Greedo's house, waiting for Mon to do her dirty deed. However, they were shocked when she emerge minutes later, a frown on her face.
"He thanked me for coming then showed me out." Mon complained. "I brought my nipple clamps for nothing!"
"What the hell…" Anakin muttered, storming towards the house and using the force to bust the door down. "Greedo!"
"AAAA!" Greedo screamed in horror.
"Why the hell didn't you sleep with Mon?"
"Uh…Anakin?" Owen called out.
"In a minute."
"I drove her here, bought her breakfast…paid for something called a double ended butt plug…and you don't hit that."
"Anakin…" Owen called out.
"Just tell me…"
"Anakin!" Owen shouted. "You're selling doors to a man that prefers hutts." Owen tossed down the Playhutt magazine, Jabba's nude form on the cover.
'Now…I know this may come as a shock…but I've never met a gay person before.'
"Uh…" Anakin used the force to throw Greedo into the wall, then ran like hell.
'I know now that was wrong.'
&
"That's it, Greedo's off the list." Anakin said as he, Owen and Beru walked back towards the house.
"Why?" Beru asked. "Because he is gay?"
"Yes!" Anakin shouted. "That's like…the WNBA. It doesn't count." He opened the door to the farm house, only to curse when he was hit over the head with a phone. "What the…"
"Who's the whore?" Padme screamed.
Beru's lower lip trembled. "Padme…you know I'm not a whore…we were really friendly when we saw each other that one time…"
"I'm a queen, everyone below me is a whore!"
"Actually, how can you be a queen and have been elected in threw a democratic vote?" Owen asked.
Padme hit him with the phone, knocking him out.
"Padme, stop!" Anakin cried out.
"You left your family, get 100,000 credits, and think you get away like that?"
Anakin's jaw dropped. "You left me!"
"Same difference." Padme stormed towards the door. "I want that money, Anakin…I want it!" She kicked at his speeder, then marched over to her own.
"HEY ANAKIN!" Mace called from Padme's speeder.
"Hey Mace." Anakin said as his ex-wife and her lover drove off. "Ok…so maybe Karma is sending me a message."
&
Greedo entered his house after a long day, ready to finally rest.
However, when he noticed Anakin standing in his hallway…
"AAAAA!"
"Stop that…" Anakin said softly. Greedo continued to scream, though. "Stop…I won't hurt you….stop…I SAID STOP!" Anakin reached out, force choking the alien. "Uh…sorry about that."
Greedo gasped. "What do….do you want."
Anakin shifted nervously. "Uh…the thing is…whydon'tyouhaveaman,Greedo?"
"What?"
"Why don't you have a man?" Anakin finally got out.
Greedo, still scared, decided to be honest. "I'm scared…scared to risk my heart…I mean…I put on a brave front, but I am so wimpy…I don't want to be the submissive one. I just want to be the one in control in one relationship."
Anakin sighed. "I'm not sure how I can help you…"
Greedo's eye lit up.
&
"Why are you clenching your ass cheeks?" Owen asked.
"Greedo's crossed off the list." Anakin whimpered. "And let us never speak of it again."