The Sound of War

Chapter 1

Every day is a war; a war between myself and the world, and I'm losing. Reality is shaking at my feet and making me fall into the cliché that is itself. At least, that's my perspective of my current situation.

Each time I look into those beautiful blue eyes, my heart skips a milestone. But then I think, "Is this how I'm supposed to feel? Towards another girl?" I'd tear my sight away from hers and she's just look at me with a confused expression. I want to tell her, I do, but anything and everything had its consequences.

It hurts; not being able to tell the person you love about your true feelings for them. So I kept it hidden; locked away from everyone until I was ready to face those consequences.

FRIDAY, 7:12 AM

"Brittany," hey eyes met mine and there it was; that familiar warm sensation in the pit of my heart that made my blood hot and head fuzzy. "Why are we walking to school?" I ask, averting my gaze to the cracks on the sidewalk.

"Well, Santana," she begun. Her soft voice rung through the crevice of my ears and overshadowed the muffled sounds of our feet making contact with the concrete walkway. "It's a beautiful day."

I smiled in disbelief. This was one of the things I loved about Brittany Pierce; she thought everything was beautiful, even the ugly things.

"It looks like it's about to rain, Britt." I said, looking up into the sky and acknowledging the building clouds.

"So?" Brittany challenged.

I just merely nodded, not wanting to ask further questions.

The clouds started building up faster, threatening us with rainfall. I looked into the sky once more to see the light blue replaced with dark grey. As I felt the first drop of rain, I looked over to Brittany whose arms were outstretched and tongue capturing the water falling from the sky. I couldn't help but smile at my friend, enjoying her ecstatic presence in this dead-like day. Her eyes were clenched shut as she spun around, her skirt parting and giving any observers a good view of her knickers.

"Brittany," I called out, grabbing her shoulders to stop her motions. She looked at me, flashing those white teeth that could blind anyone, and I couldn't help but smile back. Parts of her hair had fallen from her pony tail and were sticking to the sides of her face. "We're gonna be late for school if we don't go now." I said, brushing those few strands from her eyes as my heartrate increased.

Brittany nodded and offered her pinky. "Yeah. Plus, this rain isn't as cool as I though it would be." she said, grinning from ear to ear. I giggled and linked my pinky with hers as we ran towards the school, eager to get out of the rain.

School went by faster than usual, but I say that every day when I'm with Brittany. She just makes me oblivious to everything except her, which makes everything fly by. Maybe it's because I don't want to pay attention to anything else besides her.

We always stay by each others sides. We've done that ever since we were eight. That's why I keep the fact that I'm in love with Brittany away from her; I don't want to fuck up this special relationship we have. She's my best friend and if she disappears from my life, I don't know what I'd do. Even if the feeling was mutual, I'd never go public; fearing that we'd be banned from our homes. Well, my home, and I don't think Brittany could handle that.

SATURDAY, 5:32 PM

"Santana?"

I looked up and met her gaze. Brittany had this odd texture about her face that blatantly said that something mischievous was on her mind. I raised an eyebrow and closed the magazine I had previously enveloped myself in. "Yeah?"

"I can see your nipples through your top." she giggled and took my magazine before reading it herself.

Any normal person would feel embarrassed so such exposure, but Brittany and I were comfortable around each other. The warm atmosphere could make any awkward situation less awkward. I laughed and took the magazine away from her.

"You know you like it." I teased and winked playfully before opening the article back up.

Brittany shrugged and sighed, looking down at her hands and fiddled with her fingers. "Do you wanna go do something tonight?" she suggested, glancing up to meet my curious gaze.

"Like what?" I asked.

"I heard there's a party at Puck's house later."

I sighed reluctantly and rolled my eyes. "No."

Brittany leaned in and placed her hands on my bare knees, looking my straight in the eyes. My heart pounded in my head and I felt my skin get hot. Geez, if only this girl knew the effect she had on me. "Santana, you don't go to parties anymore. I don't know exactly why because you refuse to tell me straight forward, but I think it's because last time we got drunk and made out."

My mind reflected back on the memory and I rubbed my temples, feeling a headache coming on. I sprung backwards and laid sprawled out on my bed, which I immediately regretted once Brittany topped me.

"Get off me, Brittany." I demanded, trying to hold back a smile.

"No." she said. I tried to push her off but she took my arms and pinned them above my head.

I knew this game. She was going to hold me in that position until I gave her what she wanted. Sighing, I gave in and let the smile I was trying to hold back free. "Fine, we'll go."

The blonde grinned excitedly and hopped off me. I took my wrist in my hand and rubbed it tenderly. "Damn, Britt, aggressive much?" she rolled her eyes at me which I happily returned.

SUNDAY, 5:56 AM

"So how was the party?"

I scoffed and sipped on my coffee before answering with, "Boring."

I could feel her disbelieving eyes on me and I sat my drink down and turned to my friend."Really. I honestly can't remember half of it."

I decided earlier to take a visit to my friend, Alyssa Sinclair, whom I trusted with my life. She had been a life-long friend of mine, but never became best friend status. We shared secrets and kept them until they were forgotten. I leaned and rested my back on the fabricated lawn chair.

We were sitting on her back porch, admiring the beautiful day that was Sunday morning. The sky met the horizon of the houses in the distance. The smell of coffee and freshly cut grass filled my nostrils and relaxed my muscles. Dew on the grass made the green glisten in the rising sunlight and showed every flaw and perfection.

"I know its been a while since you've gone to a party." she stated, giving me "the look", which indicated that she knew something was up.

"Brittany convinced me." I said defensively.

Alyssa nodded and her gaze fell onto her hands, which were holding a mug filled with the same coffee as I. "Must have took a lot of convincing." she said.

We sat there in a comfortable silence, listening to the morning crickets chirping awake. A few car doors slammed shut in the distance, which caused more natural noises to arise. This was a rare occasion, me enjoying the early day. Usually, on the weekend, I slept until the afternoon. But since I couldn't get any sleep last night, due to a major headache from the alcohol I consumed, I decided to give up on sleep and stay awake. So here I was, spending time with my childhood friend and drinking coffee. It was nice, being normal for once. It was pleasant. I felt as if I could forget everything in the world. It was like a sanctuary. Maybe I should do this more often.

I took a deep breath and glanced down at my half-empty cup. My thoughts spilled from my mouth. "I love her." I said bluntly and without regret. "Brittany."

Alyssa laughed and sat her drink down. "And what are you gonna do about that?"

I pursed my lips in thought. "Nothing."

"Well, you've got to do something, Santana." she said.

"There's nothing I can do." I said, crossing my legs. "It's not like she loves me back."

"What makes you so sure?"

I sighed before realizing that she was right. I had never confronted Brittany about my feelings and I never planned to, but what if the feeling was mutual? No, not possible. Brittany dates boys, not girls. Why would I even try with a heterosexual girl?

"She's straight." I mumbled, twirling the liquid around in my cup with my index finger. "And I don't want to lose what we already have."

"Are you dating anyone right now?" she asked.

I shook my head and she laughed. Confusion rocked the center of my chest and I gave her an unsure look. She stopped laughing and frowned before leaning forward and resting her elbows on her knees.

"Why not?" she asked, shrugging.

I huffed in frustration. "I don't want anyone besides her. She just means so much to me and I don't want anyone else to make me happy. Honestly, I don't want to love anyone else. She's all I need, Alyssa."

Alyssa seemed a little taken aback at my ramblings. She nodded and leaned back once more.

"Please don't tell anyone." I said.

"I won't. Plus, no one would believe me anyway." she said.

"I bet they would."

"Would you believe me if I said I saw Quinn Fabray making out with that Jewish girl in the back of a Camry?" she asked skeptically.

I frowned. "No, no I wouldn't."

"Exactly."

I shrugged and glanced down at my watch which read "6:12". "I better get going. Britt's probably awake by now."

I heard her mumbled an "okay" before I stood up, set my mug down on the table, and walked towards the gate. "Thanks, Alyssa." I said and she smiled appreciatively.

"Anytime, Santana." she said.