Wrote this one-shot because I needed to take my mind off of things. Tried a slightly different style - I think it worked out nicely. It's based off of the song What Sarah Said by Death Cab for Cutie. Keep it playing while you're reading this. Put it on repeat if you have to. Hope you like it, and don't forget to review.
Disclaimer - I don't own What Sarah Said, Death Cab for Cutie, or Kingdom Hearts.
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Roxas gets shuffled back and forth all throughout the night. The waiting room. The ICU. The waiting room again.
Axel's awake, back to the ICU.
The doctors are busy. They need to pump more medicine into him. Back to the waiting room.
He's awake again. Stuck in a drug induced haze, but awake. Time to go see him, to hold his hand and stroke his hair until he passes back into unconsciousness.
Back to the waiting room.
He's tired of the waiting room, so he goes outside, over to his car; a royal blue Honda Civic. Or maybe it was cerulean, or sapphire. Roxas had always left the color names to his sister, Namine. She had an eye for different shades.
Every time he sees the car, he thinks of Axel. Roxas had picked the model. Axel had picked the color.
Roxas remembers the conversation clearly, like it had happened yesterday and not five years ago, when they had first gotten together.
"Why'd you want this color? You like red more than you do blue."
Axel had smirked, and a mischievous fire lit in his eyes. "Simple. It's the same color as your eyes."
Roxas fought down his laughter, and had only let a smirk slip through. "That has to be the sappiest thing I've ever heard. You must have gotten that line from one of Kairi's magazines."
Axel took the insult in stride, like he always did. It was one of the things Roxas loved about him. "I have to check to make sure that my precious little cousin isn't reading anything unsuitable for her age, after all."
Roxas had never told him, but he actually thought the gesture was sweet. Sappy, and a little dumb, but sweet.
He grabs his cell phone from inside the glove box. He checks to make sure that he hadn't gotten any messages or calls. There aren't any – after all, the only person who ever calls him is Axel.
He goes back inside, and a nurse pops her head out to look at him. She knows his name by this point, after calling him all night long, and refers to him by name. "Roxas? You can come back in now."
He walks through the door she opens for him, and falls back as he rushes through the corridors. He knows what room is Axel's. Room 71. He has it memorized, just like he has that stupid catchphrase memorized.
He's memorized everything about Axel. Even if his memory is nothing more than a faulty camera, he's memorized everything. And he won't let himself forget anything about Axel. Ever.
He opens the door, and gasps softly, like he does every single time he walks into the room. The sight always takes him by surprise, and it always brings tears to the corners of his eyes.
Needles and tubes and IV's in his thin, lanky arms. Arms that held him tightly at night, when they only had each other for company.
He can't see the full damage, but the gashes and bruises on his face and arms are enough for Roxas to be afraid. A plain, standard white hospital sheet covers the rest of his body, and even if he could peek under the sheet to see the extent of the injuries, he wouldn't.
He's almost as pale as the sheet, Roxas notes with a small frown.
He takes a step forward, but a doctor rushes by to check on Axel, and Roxas settles for staring at his shoes. Oversized, worn-out tennis shoes covered in checkers. Axel bought them for him on his 14th birthday. It's a wonder they still fit.
He can smell it now – piss and cleaning chemicals, just like every other hospital he's been in. It's disgusting, and he hates it, and part of him wants to leave, but another part of him refuses to leave Axel here. He refuses to let him wake up to an empty room.
The doctor – the first doctor to see him, and the only doctor to stay here ever since he was admitted that morning – checks a few monitors. Roxas follows her gaze, and his eyes settle on a machine emitting a steadily decreasing beat. A heart monitor, he thinks.
The doctor turns to him, her face set like stone, in a tight-lipped frown. Her eyes remain emotionless, but he can tell it's a practiced look. She clouds them with a professional indifference, because that's her job. To save lives, not hearts.
Roxas speaks first, and he's vaguely surprised at how small his voice sounds. "...is he going to be okay?" He squints at her name tag, but she raises a hand to stop him.
"Just call me Xion." She says. Roxas realizes that this is the first time he's heard her talk. She wasn't the one barking out commands earlier; no, that was a man with youthful eyes and a mess of brown hair on top of his head. She speaks the same way she looks though, with a concise, even indifference. "And honestly, I'm not sure your friend will make it to see morning."
Roxas can feel his heart break inside of his chest, but anger overtakes his pain, and he snaps. "He's not my friend! He's my fiancee! We..." His voice falters, but he finds it again before long. "...we were going to get married next month."
Her measured look breaks, and her eyes shine with sympathy. "...oh." She squeaks, and she looks away. "I-I'm sorry. It's tough to deal with all of this, I know."
Roxas can feel his brow knit together, and he hears the venom in his voice, but he doesn't care. "No, you don't know. You just stand by and watch as they die."
She looks taken back, and he can see that even though he can only see her profile, but she curls her hands into fists. "No, I do know." She looks at Roxas, and he can see iron, steadfast and sturdy, in her eyes. "My brother meant the world to me. I loved him so much, and I was always with him, even as he died in this very hospital." Her voice breaks, and he can hear her choking back a sob. "I-It felt like my world collapsed, and I wanted to die too. I became a doctor because of him – because I never want anyone to feel that way."
Roxas pushes away the guilt building up, and he nods dumbly.
A machine beeps, but Roxas can't tell which one it is, since there are so many of them around. Any weakness Xion showed vanishes in the fraction of a second. She rushes to one of the contraptions, and pushes a button, making an electronic buzz sound off.
She glances back at him, and frowns slightly. "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to wait outside."
Panic flutters in his heart, and fear soon accompanies it. What if this is the problem that will end him? What if these moments are his last? He doesn't want to leave, because this might be the last time he ever sees Axel alive and the thought makes him want to scream.
Roxas opens his mouth to protest, but Xion speaks first. "He'll get through this episode. I promise."
The words are packed with finality, and Roxas decides to trust her, so he nods again and leaves the room. He tries to wait right outside the room, but the sudden stream of doctors forces him back to the waiting room.
He believes Xion's promise – he really, honestly does. It's all he can hold on to right now, and without it he'd be lost.
But he can't think about Xion right now, or about brothers dying, or about lovers barely hanging onto life, or promises or watching the person you treasure most die because they don't want to be alone in their final moments. He knows that if he thinks about it any longer, the tears will come back, and he'll be crushed under the weight of death.
So he focuses on the others in the room. Now, at this early hour in the morning, the only people who remain are the ones like Roxas: the ones who refuse to leave their loved ones.
They all share the same serious, downcast look, to one degree or another. Some are sobbing freely. Others are enraged, and some try to numb out their distress. They all look down at the ground though, and leave the tv to entertain itself.
They don't have comfort like he does, because there is no comfort in the waiting room. There's only statues frozen in time, and nervous pacers, bracing for the bad news they're sure to get.
It's not long before the nurse comes back, and every single head turns toward her, all silently hoping and dreading that she'll call their names next.
"Roxas." She says, and Roxas hops back up and dashes back to Axel's room. He stops when he sees Xion blocking the doorway.
"He's awake. Just barely, but he is. I'll give you some time alone with him, but I'll be waiting right here. Call me if anything happens."
She moves, and Roxas rushes in, straight to Axel's side. Xion wasn't lying – his eyes are open, and acid green slits follow him as he kneels by the edge of the bed.
"Hey, Rox." Axel smirks, but it no longer carries its usual flare. Roxas wants to cry at the sight, but he refuses to let it get to him. He has to be strong. Not for himself, for Axel. Because he will make see the morning, and they'll watch the sunrise together.
"Axel..." Roxas chokes out, reaching over to take Axel's hand in his. He squeezes it tightly, and the gesture is enough to convey all of his feelings and thoughts.
"You look like someone drowned your puppy. Try to cheer up." The smirk doesn't leave.
Roxas smiles back, tender and sweet and full of love, but his words betray his emotions. "I'm so scared...I don't want to lose you."
The smirk fades, and Axel grows deathly silent. Roxas feels his throat close up, and he wants to cry again.
The words hang over their head like storm clouds. Roxas doesn't want to admit it, and he refuses to acknowledge it, but Axel knows that he won't make it to see the morning.
They stay silent, and Roxas squeezes his hand tighter. After a few minutes, Axel speaks again. "...do you regret it?" He asks quietly.
"Regret what?"He wonders. Regret not being there when the truck slammed into your beat-up jeep? Yes.
Regret meeting you? No. Never.
"Regret...us?"
The reply was instantaneous. "Never."
The smirk returns, and Roxas wants to jump in joy. "Neither do I." Axel's eyes never leave him, but Roxas listens eagerly as more words form on his lips. "I don't think I ever told you..."
"Told me what?"
The smirk grows into a grin – the same grin Axel loved to wear. The teasing one. The one that drove Roxas crazy. - and Axel moves his head slightly, gesturing for Roxas to come closer.
Roxas obeys, and leans in closer, until he can feel Axel's breath on his face – weak and unsteady. The corners of his lips start to tug downward in the beginning of a frown, but stop when another set of lips meet his own.
The frown turns into a smile, and Roxas closes his eyes and kisses back. It's gentle and tender, and it reminds him of their first kiss, back when Axel was hesitant and nervous and it didn't fit him at all. Axel had moved in first, and Roxas remembers hearing once how Axel didn't think he would ever kiss back, and how afraid he was that it would ruin their friendship.
Back then, all those years ago, Roxas had kissed back, hungry and wanting, finally glad to have what he had dreamed of for so long. Now, it was gentle and caring, a silent plead to hold on to life with all his strength.
When they finally separate, Roxas keeps his forehead against Axel's, ignoring the blood on his face, seeping into his bangs.
"I love you." Axel says, and the words feel like a final sentence.
"I love you too." Roxas leans back, and checks over Axel. The steadily decreasing beat in the background slows to a crawl.
"Promise me one thing." Axel asks, and Roxas can hear his voice growing weaker and weaker and he can see the struggle Axel has keeping his eyes open.
"Don't go, please! You can't!"
Axel's face darkens, and he purposely ignores Roxas's plea. He wants to go call for help, so maybe, just maybe, he can be saved even though Roxas knows its futile, but Axel keeps him in place. "Promise that you'll never forget me."
The tears finally spill, and Roxas clutches Axel's hand, squeezing it tightly. "I promise...you can't leave me. Please...please don't!"
Axel smiles again, this time peaceful and serene as his eyes slowly close shut. The monitor flatlines, and the long, continuous buzz is a death sentence.
Roxas goes numb. He doesn't notice the sudden stream of doctors pouring into the room, or that Xion's voice is the one giving commands. He doesn't notice as they try to usher him out, and he refuses to budge as they do try.
A single memory comes to him, breaking through the fog and haze.
It was a warm summer day as Roxas and Namine walked through the park. She clutched her sketchbook to her chest, and a harsh sob tore out of her throat, disrupting the peaceful silence.
Roxas looked over at her, worried. "Nam, what's wrong?"
She burst into tears and embraced him, clutching to his clothing as she sobbed. He wrapped his arms around her fragile body, waiting patiently for her to manage to force the words out.
Several minutes passed before she spoke in a quiet voice, "...who's going to watch me when I die, Roxas? Who will suffer through seeing me die? I don't want to be alone then, Roxas. I don't."
Roxas gently ruffled her hair. "Nam, don't worry about it," he said, vainly trying to comfort her. "You know I'll always be there for you."
She looked up at him, using the sleeve of her shirt to wipe away her tears. "Will you really?" She asked, demanding something more, but he couldn't grasp the subtext behind her words.
He nodded solemnly. "Yeah."
It finally clicks inside of Roxas's head, what Namine meant that day. What she realized that day.
Roxas realizes it too.
That, love is watching someone die.