It has been roughly three months since Augustus' passing and I've begun to grow weaker and weaker ever since. A recent PET scan had showed that the Phalanxor has stopped working and the tumours in my chest were growing rapidly again and my lungs were filling up with water. It was becoming increasingly hard for me to breathe and the pain was a constant reminder of what was to come. The doctors had declared me terminal and I didn't have long to live. There was nothing they could do now. I knew I was ready. No longer would my mum have a daughter that holds her back. My dad won't have a daughter to cry over at every false alarm. I'll give them closure and they'll be able to move on and live their lives. I know that I want to fall into oblivion. I want to join Augustus at wherever I end up. But the thing is, I can't. No matter how hard I want to go, no matter how hard I try to slip into darkness, my lungs that suck at being lungs try to breathe in as much oxygen as they can. I thought about not telling anyone until it was too late to tell anyone. It's almost impossible though. It's like there's another person in my head that forces me to cry out for help against my own will.
I lay in my bed counting the tiles on the ceiling of my hospital room for what feels like the billionth time when I hear familiar tapping and footsteps. I turned my head towards the door just as Isaac's mum pushed the door open for him and shot me a sad smile. Isaac made his way over to the little chair next to my bed and smiled in my direction, "Hey, Hazel."
"Hi," I croaked, "how are you?"
"Oh you know, blind. What about you?"
"I'm fantastic." He must have noticed the sarcasm in my voice because he let out a small laugh and shook his head slightly.
"Look, Hazel, I want you to know that you and Gus were, are, really the only friends I've ever had and if you need to let go then don't let me or your parents hold you back. I'll support you the whole way through just like you did with me."
I could feel my eyes welling with tears as I reached out to grab his hand, "Isaac, thank you so much for everything. You're also one of the only friends I've ever really had and I wouldn't trade you for the world." My voice sounds hoarse and struggled. Which it is. Every breath is difficult. I smile as best I could at him even though I know he can't see me.
"Well, I've got to go. See you later, Hazel." I watch him walk out of the room until he's gone and then I look up at the ceiling and let the tears fall down my cheeks. If I died Isaac would be left with no one but his mum. Both of his friends would be gone and he'd be alone. We had still gone to Support Group together after Augustus died but then I got too sick and couldn't go anymore. He still went though and he always came to visit me afterwards to give me updates on everyone and tell me what it was like. We still joked and talked about all the good times we have had together, but whenever Augustus was mentioned the room went silent and tears threatened to flow.
I go back to counting the tiles on the ceiling until I my eyelids become heavy and sleep takes over.
"Hazel Grace," I spin around on my heel to see Augustus standing just metres away from me, unlit cigarette hanging from his mouth and everything.
"Gus… you're here," I jog towards him and wrap my arms around him. I nuzzle my face into his neck and feel his arms hold onto me.
"I've been watching over you all this time. I saw you at my funeral and watched you get sicker and sicker. I hate seeing you like this. I hate not being able to help,"
"Gus, it's okay. It's not your fault." I feel him inhale against me and place his fingers under my chin so he can lift my head.
"You can let go, Hazel. You're parents have accepted it. They know what's going to happen. Stop fighting it,"
"I love you, Augustus Waters."
He kisses my forehead and looks me in the eyes, "And I love you, okay?"
I look away from him; I don't want him to see me cry. Not now. I swallow the lump at the back of my throat and look up at him again, "Okay." Augustus wraps his strong arms around me and pulls me into his chest. He rests his chin on my head then slowly pushes me away.
"I'll see you soon, Hazel Grace." He turns around and starts to walk away.
"Wait, Gus, please don't leave. Not again," he's starting to fade now. The tears that I had been holding back now run freely down my face. Even through my pleads he not once turns back to look at me.
"Hazel, Hazel wake up. It's okay. It's just a dream." My mum is gently shaking my shoulder and trying to soothe me.
"Gus…" I look at my mum and she shakes her head.
"Hazel, he's not here. You were dreaming."
"I want to go see him." I say as sternly as I can manage.
"Honey, I don't think you-"
"No. I want to go see him. Just for a little while. A doctor can come of that's what it takes. But I have to go visit him."
My mum sighs and looks me in the eyes, "You're sure about this?" I nod, "Fine, I'll see what I can do."
Once she left the room I found myself smiling. I don't know why I was so excited to see him but I was. I knew he wasn't going to physically be there, but that didn't matter at this point. I sighed and leaned back against my pillow. I closed my eyes hoping to fall back asleep again and when I woke up I'd be able to go see him. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't sleep again. My mind stayed focused on the dream I'd had earlier. On him holding onto me and then walking away. I missed him. I missed him more than I allowed myself to admit. He was too full of life. He had so much potential to be the great person he had always dreamed of being but life is cruel and had made us all think that he was better and would be able to live a happy life.
My mum came back into the room about an hour later to give me the news. She says that I can go but Dr Maria has to come with us and we're not allowed there for any longer than an hour. Once I find out that I can actually go I feel a range of emotions. I'm anxious, excited, happy and sad. Mum and Dr Maria help me get out of bed, hook me up to Phillip, my oxygen tank, and make it to the car. Once we get in the car Dr Maria turns around to face me, "Only for an hour. No longer than that." I nod in agreement and put on my seatbelt.
We drive in silence for ten minutes until I see the hill which will lead us to the cemetery when mum says, "Now are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yes. I need to talk to him. Alone."
"Okay, fine." I adjust myself nervously in my seat and wipe my sweaty palms on my pants. The lawn and gardens are perfectly manicured and tidy, making the place look a lot more cheerful than what it actually is. Mum parks the car then comes around to my seat to help me out, I know she means well but I can do it myself so I brush her off. My legs feel weak and wobbly under me and I almost trip but Dr Maria helps keep me steady. Both mum and Dr Maria give me concerned looks but I just smile at them and start walking up to where Augustus is buried. Even attached to Phillip I'm finding it more and more difficult to breathe, I push through though. I don't want to stop because then we'll end up going back to the hospital. I need to see him and nothing's going to stop me. His grave is just up ahead and when I see it I take a deep breath. He now has a tombstone it's a light grey stone and the words: Augustus Waters, beloved son, friend and brother. R.I.P are engraved into it. There are fresh flowers sitting in front of it and grass is only just starting to grow over the dirt mound that sits right above his body. I walk up to it and kneel right in front of him.
"Hey, Gus. Long-time no see. I was just- I wanted to tell you that I'm terminal now. The tumours are back and my lungs are filling up with water again. They don't know how long I have to live anymore. It could be any minute now but they let me come and see you," I look at the sky, grey clouds are starting to overtake the blue spaces, "I miss you. I wish I could have died in your place. Maybe then you would still be alive. But like you said, the world is not a wish granting factory. I was thinking about the first time we met, how you were staring at me at Support Group. I remember the two smiles you had. There was the flirty, crooked smile, and then there was the one that spread across your whole face. I loved them both equally." I pulled a box of cigarettes out of my pocket and placed it in front of me, "It's a metaphor. I thought you might like these. I convinced mum to buy a packet on the way here. Maybe you can not smoke them wherever you are." I put my face in my hands and let the tears roll free.
"Hazel, are you okay?" I heard my mum ask from behind me somewhere. I just ignored her. The pain in my chest was becoming even sharper and I was starting to feel weaker.
"I love you Augustus Waters. So does Isaac. We all miss you so much. The world just isn't the same without you here. I would do anything to have you back. I'm sorry that-" my chest was tight and I couldn't breathe anymore. I collapsed into the dirt and grabbed frantically at my chest. My mum and Dr Maria rushed over to see what was happening, but by then the darkness was creeping in. I knew what was happening. It was time. I stopped grabbing at my chest and felt my arms go limp against me. I could hear the panicked cries of my mum, could feel her holding me against her as Dr Maria called for help. I couldn't do anything except close my eyes.
I'm coming, Gus. I'm on my way.