Disclaimer: I do not own The O.C. I'm coping.
A/N: Sort of an internal monologue set during "The Ties That Bind." Un-
betaed because I'm impatient and my betas are slow.
Transference
Kirsten clutched Ryan's dirty sheets and sobbed at the loss of her son.
He would have been 18 if he had lived, if he had ever been allowed to live.
She had been twenty and drunk. Before Sandy and after Jimmy there had been a one night stand. Kirsten never knew his name, could hardly remember his face.
Kirsten hadn't thought of any of this in years. Not since they had left Berkley and she no longer had to fear running into him in a grocery store or at the park.
Then Sandy brought Ryan home and asked if he could stay. Kirsten agreed for Sandy's sake, but when Ryan defended her in juvie something stirred in Kirsten. She looked into his eyes and years of repressed guilt flooded her.
Ryan had nothing, like her baby had nothing. Here was Kirsten's opportunity to be mother to two sons. It felt a little like destiny.
At twenty Kirsten hadn't seen any other options. Unlike Theresa she hadn't had anyone to talk to. Unlike Theresa Kirsten couldn't turn to her baby's father.
But with Ryan, she was getting a second chance. All the feelings of love and guilt and duty Kirsten locked away for a fetus nearly twenty years ago were transferred to Ryan. Kirsten grew to love Ryan as himself. For Ryan, as well as for being a symbol of the child she had never given birth to.
Sandy had asked her to let Ryan in, but he never told her that she would have to let Ryan go.
She didn't want to. Kirsten wanted to hold Ryan tight and beg him not to leave. She didn't want to lose another child.
Kirsten had thrown away her first son though, she didn't have a right to cling to her last.
Transference
Kirsten clutched Ryan's dirty sheets and sobbed at the loss of her son.
He would have been 18 if he had lived, if he had ever been allowed to live.
She had been twenty and drunk. Before Sandy and after Jimmy there had been a one night stand. Kirsten never knew his name, could hardly remember his face.
Kirsten hadn't thought of any of this in years. Not since they had left Berkley and she no longer had to fear running into him in a grocery store or at the park.
Then Sandy brought Ryan home and asked if he could stay. Kirsten agreed for Sandy's sake, but when Ryan defended her in juvie something stirred in Kirsten. She looked into his eyes and years of repressed guilt flooded her.
Ryan had nothing, like her baby had nothing. Here was Kirsten's opportunity to be mother to two sons. It felt a little like destiny.
At twenty Kirsten hadn't seen any other options. Unlike Theresa she hadn't had anyone to talk to. Unlike Theresa Kirsten couldn't turn to her baby's father.
But with Ryan, she was getting a second chance. All the feelings of love and guilt and duty Kirsten locked away for a fetus nearly twenty years ago were transferred to Ryan. Kirsten grew to love Ryan as himself. For Ryan, as well as for being a symbol of the child she had never given birth to.
Sandy had asked her to let Ryan in, but he never told her that she would have to let Ryan go.
She didn't want to. Kirsten wanted to hold Ryan tight and beg him not to leave. She didn't want to lose another child.
Kirsten had thrown away her first son though, she didn't have a right to cling to her last.