Never Let Me Go

Hi everyone. :) This is a quick Egoshipping one-shot - it was actually a diary entry of mine, which I turned into a fan fiction. Hope you enjoy. Pretty please leave me a quick review when you're done.

"'Cause those who get to know our hearts the most / They always seem to be the ones we'll never hold."

~ Kate Voegele

Sometimes life takes unexpected turns. Sometimes, things turn out completely opposite from how you thought they would.

I met Gary Oak when I was a child. He was my best friend's, arrogant rival, and because of that, I automatically despised him. I was totally devoted to Ash from day one, though I never would have admitted it. As teenagers, Ash and I acted upon our feelings and finally started dating. This was a dream come true for me, but life soon got in the way of our happiness, and our relationship only lasted a little over a year. Meanwhile, Gary started dating Dawn Berlitz, one of Ash's friends from Sinnoh. She broke his heart a few years later. When Gary and Dawn broke up, Gary moved to Cerulean City to start research on what was thought to be a pre-evolution of Seel. I bumped into him one day at the Poke Mart, after not having seen him in about eight years. Needless to say, I was very interested in his research, and as it turned out, he wasn't such a bad guy after all. He had grown up, and nicely - both physically and mentally.

We started hanging out after that, he would come over to the Gym and stay for hours, and we'd just talk and watch TV and have a lot of fun. We had a lot in common, which I think was a surprise for both of us.

In October, he invited me to his 24th birthday party at one of Cerulean's bars. I was hesitant to go because Ash, back in Kanto, was attending, and though we had remained close friends after our breakup, he didn't know that Gary and I were friends, or even really knew each other. I decided after much deliberation to go, because Gary was my friend, and Ash didn't control my life.

Something, that night, changed. I had never thought of Gary as anything more than a friend, though I found him extremely attractive in many ways, because he was Dawn's ex boyfriend and Ash's best friend. But after everyone had left, and only Gary and I remained, we walked through the streets of Cerulean together on the way back to the Gym. I was shivering from the cold, so he put his arm around me playfully. His touch was electrifying, and I felt feelings stir within me, feelings that felt wrong because of who he was, and yet so right.

When Gary encapsulated me in that kiss, I fell in love with him. The next day he said he just wanted to be friends, that it was a mistake, and at the time I accepted it - the two of us were an unlikely match, and we had to consider Dawn and Ash. Friends - I could do that, I told him, despite being extremely disappointed.

But as time went by, as I kept seeing him, it got harder and harder to be around him. I didn't want to be friends, I wanted to be his girlfriend. I kept wondering how he felt about me - did he truly not feel a thing for me? Or was he just afraid of being hurt again to get involved in another relationship? Was I reading too much into his mixed messages? At times I felt like a fool for believing we could ever work, and the next moment I would long to see him.

I love him. Wrong or right, right or wrong. I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop thinking about the way he kissed me that night, so full of passion, and wanting more. I can't stop driving past his apartment in the hope that I might run into him. I cried for days when I saw him around town with another girl. All I think about is how I can get him to think about me. I've become a slave to the idea of us, and unable to move on.

I know there are others to think about, other feelings to consider. But for once, I want to be selfish. I always try to make other people happy, but in the midst of my efforts I have lost myself, my dreams, what I want. Is it such a bad thing that I want him? That he is on my mind every second of every day. Even if I am focusing on something else, something reminds me of him, and I am brought spiraling back into the web I have created for myself.

This morning I went to the beach and ran, I tried to outrun my feelings, my love, my desire for him, but it caught up to me no matter how fast I willed myself to go. I love being by the water, but not even that could comfort me today. The only person I wanted to comfort me was Gary.

I want him to hold me within his strong arms and never let me go. I long to feel his embrace, for it is the only place where I feel safe, where I feel like I belong. No one else can make me feel this way.

Yes, I love Gary Oak, more than anyone before. I just need him to tell me that he doesn't love me back. Then, perhaps I can move on, perhaps I can focus on something other than him. When he kissed me he took a part of my heart and if he doesn't plan on being with me, he needs to give it back. I truly can't live my life knowing that I love him, and knowing that he doesn't know. Life is too short, and so here it is. My big confession. The words that have been brimming within me, tearing my heart apart with every moment he crosses my thoughts.

One day soon, I'll tell him, but until then, he will remain in my dreams and my thoughts - the man I love the most, and the only man I can't have.